I must admit not even a quarter of a way into this journey, I am a bit tired. I must admit not even a quarter of a way into the journey, I am more than a bit curious. More than a bit exhilarated. More than a bit still afraid.
There have been weeks fear has been a very worthy adversary, and there have been some weeks in the mix that I have stood in ways I have never seen before.
I honestly didn't know what to hope for, think upon, desire.
I couldn't foresee what would happen.
I just knew that this was a journey that needed to happen.
So some highlights both personal and professional...
I started a brand! LIKE REALLY...
During yoga teacher training I inquired about a word, and heard back "MANGALISO!" A word with Zulu origins, it means you are an amazement.
So I let myself dream. I let myself quench the thoughts of "who do you think you are?" And I stepped upon the stairs of an idea and have watched it actually become something! Facing the fears of failure, humiliation, being embarrassed, the what ifs of if it doesn't work were turned into what ifs this does work? What if I can create something that brings together many streams and modalities of health to empower people into their own amazement, not because they are being told BUT because they really believe it for themselves! Gosh!!! I had to be willing to at least try!
What other things happened?
I cleaned out the past. Literally a project I had been dreading for over a year was completed in 3 days! Within two weeks most of the lingering details were taken care of and I'm finishing crossing the last "T" and dotting the last "I."
What was the largest victory of those moments?
I faced not just the project but the emotions that came up. I allowed myself to admit sorrow, frustration, and anger. I turned to safe places and said, "I can't process this alone, I need help." I let myself feel and experience an ending. I let myself be vulnerable.
I've journeyed these weeks and months moving step by step ahead and weathering the steps that threw me back a mile or two or three. I picked myself up, reminded myself of what I am doing and placed one foot back upon the ground and then the other and began to walk again. OR not. Some days I let myself just sit. I've learned much in silence and quiet. I've met lots of new people. But so very interestingly unexpected, I've been meeting myself. I've actually been showing up more in my own life. I'm trying to not edit myself or my voice, I'm speaking my truth and living it and that has been amazing!
I've faced the fears of "what if no one shows up," lived through the times when that happened, and faced the fears of "what if no one shows up," only to then have to face the fears of SHIT, someone showed up, now I've got to too.
I've talked about things that I would rather let lie in some dark, forgotten basement closet, and lived in the reality that sometimes facing dark, forgotten basement closets are just the thing one needs to do. I've gone to more first coffees that have turned into second and third coffees and are becoming friends. I've allowed myself to explore curiosities and found out who I am and who I am not. Having realized that I'm changing, I have faced the things I thought I was, and said good bye.
I'm letting myself have a journey of discovery. An exploration into the unknown. I have laid down what I thought my life was going to be, and am letting it become. I let go of places I had built up that weren't healthy any more and in so doing lost more than I ever thought imaginable. Except the old adage is true in losing a life so much more is gained. I white knuckled it in the beginning. Totally white knuckled it. I had only known one way of living for over twenty years. It was scary. I didn't know what to expect. It took time. I had people in my life saying that that was ok. It is ok for things to take time. It is ok to walk slowly. It is ok to let becoming be becoming.
There still is much to face...
Launching a new website
Finishing a book
Expanding my yoga teaching and therapy experiences
Getting more training
Meeting more people
Putting myself out there time and time again
Facing lonely times
Facing confusing questions
Sitting with myself
Admitting I am pretty amazing
Showing up to life daily
Loving people who are hard to love
Allowing others to have their own journey (not being afraid of differences)
Waiting.. Just that Waiting
Dreaming.. Just that never stop dreaming
Admitting when I need help
Being willing to scrap something that isn't working and go back to the proverbial drawing board
SO MUCH TO FACE!!! So much living to be done!
How about you? What are your steps today? We always think big.. website, book, scale the mountain but what is the small first step for you today? Telling someone how you honestly feel about something? Saying hi to someone you have wanted to meet. Taking a walk by yourself. Shutting off all noise aka phone, computer, etc and sitting in a moment of silence. What can you do today that brings you further into the life you want to be living? Maybe facing the reality that you aren't quite there yet? Maybe admitting that you need time, that grief or sorrow or life has knocked you down and you aren't ready to get up yet? You know what is courageous and amazing about that? Letting yourself be ok in that moment! That takes great courage. We don't give each other enough permission to be with the dark and ugly and unwanted stuff. Give yourself permission today. You will step forward. I know you will. If not today nor tomorrow, a day will come. For now give yourself permission to be amazing in that you face this day with all that it is or isn't and you breathe.
Facing fear and the giants that come with them and all the details takes time... ten weeks in and the journey has only begun.
