My Yoga/ Christian Journey : When There is a Void ... I Pray.. Let There Be Light

As I said, I have  never planned out a blogging sequence. That is until now.

I can feel in my gut that there is something missing.  A portion, an articulation, an essence of which, desires to find expression.  I am not so brash as to say I have the fullness of  such a thing.  I do believe I am a pilgrim upon a journey of discovery.  I do believe, that as I walk this narrow dusty path that which I behold is bringing transformation.  I do believe, that there are people, places and postures along the way that have much to teach me and are teaching me much.

I begin with this posture.
I begin in this place.

I humbly come before my God, who I believe created me in the very heart beat of His essence.
I humbly come before you, who I believe I am connected to... Holding the high priestly prayer of Christ so close to my heart. The reality of Oneness.  Oneness of all things and of all people... I read the words of one of His last earthly prayers and am so moved by His hunger for humanity to understand our Oneness with each other and with the Divine.

This... this posture is the one I begin this intentional conversation within.....
Humbly coming... laying all that I think I thought I knew down and uttering an expression .. In my knowing I did not know and now that I do not know I am beginning to know.

In the beginning of all things there is a story and as it goes, there was void and things were formless and Spirit hovered .... There was no form. There was void and there was darkness.

When chaos and void and darkness reign what do we need?
Spirit to Hover.
Spirit to be engaged.
Light

When chaos reigns in our hearts, in our bodies, in our minds what do we need?
We need to find a greater order, we need to find light and peace and yes.. Spirit!

Let there be light.............

Light brings that illumination through which we see.

Was that "let there be light," a big bang of instant spoken word from Divine Creator sparking a revolution of beauty and wonder and fullness?  Did that expression of let there be light bring forth a wonderment and awe and revelation?  An expression that says chaos can be brought to higher order, voids can be made full, and darkness can be eradicated by light.

As is true for the natural world, so is true for the human life... the human heart.

Let there be light... Let a greater order by which we can see come and fill that which was once empty and dark.  May we learn from the void, the darkness, and the emptiness and touch fullness, light and creativity.

What came after the utterance of light was a burst of creative power and expression, exploding time and time again. This expression kept expanding and expanding as the ever widening circle of reality went from good to very good and then to holy.

Creative expression in the form of the water, land, sky, earth, creature filled the space as did human. Clay was taken into hands and breath was added. Breath!!!!  Very good was declared. Clay was formed into substance. Clay was formed. A body became.  A body became and was still until the breath came.  Then there was life.

Light. Creativity and fullness. Body. Breath... In the beginning of all things, as it is written in ancient Hebrew texts. We weren't left to be floating spirits without a body. We were given the gift of body. Body is house and temple and can be home. (More on that subject..lots more on that subject to come.)

Then came holy.  What is holy?  The very first thing that the Creator ever pronounced as being holy was rest.
Sabbath and rest and trust would become the crux of the journey between God and that which He spilled His image into, us! 

So in the proverbial beginning and in this beginning I see so much  to lay a foundation upon.

Spirit ... energy, vibration, frequency, sound, light, breath
Voids being made full with creative wonder
Rest being enacted as an act of holiness.

Yoga comes from a Sanskrit word, a derivation of the word yuj, which means yoking as in a team of oxen. Another way to read and understand it is to think of union.  The practice of yoga is said to be for the union of body, mind and spirit. In the creation account that I know Christians and Hebrews look towards there is that union.  The divine yokes His essence with Creation, calling things good, very good and holy.  In all essence in the beginning there was the yoking together, the union of The Divine Presence, Creation, woman and man, light, breath, energy....

There is nothing in that list that is separate or other than what I find in the very heart beat and practice of yoga.  A space created for me to step into, to discover the void within, to strengthen and feel the strength of my body that houses me, (We are now the Temples of the Spirit.... I find that as much in New Testament reading as I do in other sacred texts.) to grow in awareness of my need for breath and movement and to bring alignment with all that I am into a space that will help focus my mind upon whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is good. I am told to think upon such things. The practice of meditation and yoga brings together a peace and a stability within so that I can grasp a hold of the peace that passes all understanding and bring that off the mat and into my life.

  I wouldn't start my yoga practice until December 2014, however in July of 2014 I was asking within the pages of my journal that I would be led into a deeper understanding of the body, mind and spirit connection.  I could feel the pull of something upon my soul, yet knew not what it was and then came the practice of yoga.  There was such an intense hunger within to touch understanding.  Why a body? What does it mean that we have a body? How can I be more fully in my body? What is my soul, my mind, me? What is my Spirit? How do the three come together?

Void met form
Breath met dry bones
Light entered my eyes and my soul igniting my spirit and brought deep life into my body 
Rest was found

The practice of yoga isn't to be made christian but a Christian can do yoga.
The practice of yoga isn't Buddhist but a Buddhist can do yoga.
The practice of yoga isn't Hindu but a Hindu can do yoga.

The practice of yoga transcends the specific expression of any one religion and can be as varied as there are people. Some use the straight forward posture driven practice to grow strength and be more present within their own bodies. Others incorporate a more meditative stance.

Step by step....  I take this journey.
Finding an articulation that is expansive and inclusive and rings true and lives in union with all that I know of the Lord's nature and character.  There is nothing I see in the beginning of all things that would deny the basis of holding a yoga practice deep into my heart and my life. There is nothing I see in the beginning of all things that says I must first call something "christian" before it can be holy or safe or "right."   I see there was a void. I see Spirit hovered and then after the passage of time spoke and came energy (What is light?), creative power and humanity full of breath......

How we should have been taught... Continuing the Conversation and further plans to do so

Ascribe to me not an intentionality that knows that which I am doing.

It is  more liken unto Abraham setting out for a land he knew not, but knowing he had to take the journey.

I am not a systematic writer.
I have not planned out blogs.
I have not learned the way of the 21st blogger successful strategies.
I have tried to become more consistent in my writing but other than that I come to keyboard with or without the inspiration. I place my fingers on the keys. I close my eyes. I open my heart. I hope. 

However there is a push to become more systematic in this arena.  There is a hunger pulsating upon the winds of change.  You.. me, we are walking with it. Maybe being blown forward bit by bit is more like it.  I've finished and am editing and re-editing a book.  The title so far is "The Girl Next Door."  The subtitle is what has got me stumpedt.  Those things get changed over and over again anyway.

The premise of the book is finding your voice and your courage.  It takes me from a childhood riddled with abuse into a young adulthood and an adulthood found walking in ministry.  All that I saw in all those phases and never said a word. All I saw and didn't say, "no," or "you can't treat people like that," or any million phrases that could be said.  I bought into many lies and some for my own temporary benefit. However I've seen the allure of temporary benefit only to feel its immense sting in the ass. The story, my story will be about vibration, the song of life and finding ones own voice.

It is said that when one goes to write, the "why" should be known.  In knowing the "why" of writing there is clarity of purpose and communication.  It is getting clearer and clearer to me, the "why" of my writing. So much so that yesterday as I  was meditating; I  paused and grew in quiet and  I knew it was upon me to overcome natural tendency of my regular flow of writing.  It was upon me to become more systematic in my approach.

I have this friend.  She'll read this and  smile.  A most unlikely friendship we will say. We do say. There are moments we couldn't be more far apart on the way we view things, but the most precious elements of life keep us connected.  What I have realized about this friend is that in her wisdom she will (in kindness not judgement) help me see how others perceive my journey.  We had this really great conversation the other day.  She bore her heart.  She acknowledges it is for me to journey.  She wants me to learn how to bring back the realities of it in a way that empowers more understanding not less. She communicated in a beautiful fashion that I am able bring an articulation to  this path that can be helpful.  She was right. I need to care. I have taken steps. I knew not the way. I knew only the hunger.  It has taken everything for me to journey this way and if in going back I can set out a few bread crumbs to make it easier for the next hungry soul, then that is what I can do.

I can learn a more systematic approach. On the forefront, however, I will say time and time again, this wasn't a planned out journey. It was a bumbling, haphazard, "I sure hope this right, and please stop me if it isn't," kind of journey.  I leaned on the promise of the good shepherd, that he comes after the ones that need Him to bring correction to path.  That is why any of you, who have thought I have diverted, haven't carried the weight of your words. You see I have looked to the Heavens and there is no "shepherd" coming (having left the proverbial 99) to come get me, telling me I have been led astray.  If anything there has been a shove in the fanny that I'm not moving fast enough.

The more I find my articulation. I can feel the courage growing.  It isn't without fear. At times the fear is immense.  I'm working it out.  The beauty and wonder and awe of it is, however found in  the realization of the immense hunger that is in you too.  We are hungry.  Our eyes have seen, our ears are hearing and our hearts are yearning.  We know there is more than the spoon filled, entitlement based religion that we bought into.  We have to admit it served us. It served us or we wouldn't have stayed.  Maybe we were needing to belong so that we "put up" with the behaviors that ran prevalent. Maybe we didn't trust that without the "label," of this or that ministry, church or organization we wouldn't be much on our own.  Maybe it was just enough to be a part of something larger then ourselves that we were willing to undermine our own spiritual growth to listen to the said "expert," though in the depths of our hearts we knew something was off or we knew that we had known ourselves what was being taught.. we just weren't confident to really believe it.  We were fed company line that this DNA or that way of doing things put us ahead.

Did we ever stop to think, ahead of what?

Each other?

The Body of Christ, the fellowship of all believers?

In our spiritual arrogance and pride we dished out milk and left the meat alone or ate it secretly in our closets.  We've gone starving waiting for someone else to teach us, when we negated that in the Holy Spirit we have the greatest counselor and teacher within ourselves.

Maybe it isn't all like what I've written. You see, I refuse to throw the Bride of Christ aka the Church (big C) under the bus.  There are huge political and social issues that we get wrong. There are places where we fuck up more and are so inbred, that  our socially minded counterparts of society show us up daily for being more humanitarian and loving.  There are places, more than naught, that we only confirm Ghandi's words. When asked by E. Stanley Jones how Christianity could come to India, Mr. Ghandi replied; "I would suggest first of all that all of you Christians, missionaries and all begin to live more like Jesus Christ."

I lived a veneer. I want depth.  I have drank milk for far to long, I have heeded the songs of the ancient past that yearn for me to turn towards solid food, to grow and mature.  I am no longer an infant. I am not longer a child. The version of Christian scripture, called The Message, writes it this way; "When I was an infant at my mother’s breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good."

We have watched a whole generation of leaders, let us stay in infancy, as they lived privileged and entitled lives. In our immaturity and fear we have seen behavior and known the man or woman behind the pulpit, seen the behavior in the staff meeting or private lives, bought all the identical clothes as to "be the brand" of a specific church staff team, and so many other horrors.  Have we empowered each other to live lives more congruent with Christ, as He really is, not as the American church would make Him?   Have we risked our own lives and our ministry identities, positions, etc for something more? Are we playing it safe? Are we touting company line because we know it will move us up the chain of command within our specific sect?

There isn't anything I write about that I haven't participated in or seen.  Covering up indiscretion because money needs to be made and books need to be sold and a church needs to be a platform for such things!!!
I'm sorry I never did think that was the heart of Christ for His church, matter of fact I think He once upon toppled tables as He shared His heart about His Father's temple.

We can scream about the proverbial pole of yoga in the eyes of others, but as Christians we need to take a look inward first.  It's time to clean house.  We have created a whole industry that benefits off the backs of widows and orphans. Instead of serving them we have been served by them. Asking them to pledge the little money or time they have so that some immense ministry can build another building.  It is not looking good.  We have grown irrelevant, and there really is nothing irrelevant about who Christ was as a man and as the expression of divinity walking upon the face of the Earth.

I do digress.

I'm going to get systematic about the discussion of Christianity and Yoga.  I find my past within the circles of Christianity that I walked an interesting foundation in which to enter such a conversation.  I was found by Christ through a visitation. I absolutely adore the reality of the Spirit.  I have taught empaths, seers, and revelatory people for decades on how to use their senses to go beyond the physical world and see and feel and know the unseen seeable realm.  This journey isn't new. It is a continuation.  I have taught Christians how to leave religious language aside and find an expression that touches heart beat and truest reality of Spiritual things and places. It isn't really a new walk. It is the way of my life.  I want to make it clear I am not defending yoga.  Yoga needs no defense.

I am willing to help with an articulate and intelligent, spiritual  conversation that has life and depth within it.  There is more that we all have in common then that which separates us, and it is fear and pride that fill any gulf of separation.  I want love.  A strong not patsy love.  A more perfected love that has a light so bright that all darkness and shadow are burned away.  The spirit of religious fundamentalism comes to kill, rob and destroy. It does not bring life.  It cares not what form it comes in either.  Religious fundamentalism steals the very freedom of choice that the Creator imbued humanity with,  it says my way or you are the infidel and are to be feared, taught against, and killed. That is not the heart beat of the Ultimate Divine reality that is found in the Spirit of all things.

There is so much yet to say. This journey will take us a while.  There is no place for accusation here, this is a place for dialogue and conversation.  Step by step we will learn together discernment, growing up in love we will find a pathway to walk upon. There is a place where in maturity we can see and hear and know.. no longer clanging gongs being noise to a world that doesn't want to hear anything we have to say, there will be a city of light upon a hill where life is lived in exemplary love.. there will be a resounding sound full of life and beauty, wonder and love, joy and peace and it will be well................


Is this a Christian worshipping? A yogi doing Sun Salutation? A man? A woman? Can you look at this picture and see beauty and wonder and awe as a human being takes a stance of praise? Can you see similarity and not fear?  This isn't about getting it right or wrong... this is about love!

Walking upon the spectrum....

I noticed him immediately.

It was his eyes that drew me into his world.

I recognized the gaze.

It landed on my heart and I smiled.

A precious and amazing little guy, amidst a sea of 50 children.

No one had to tell me about him.  I knew.  I could tell from his eyes that this human being was walking upon the spectrum.

I want to tell you what that look says to me... Maybe more like it I want to tell you what that look doesn't say to me....

It doesn't say to me he isn't focused.
It does make me wonder what it is he is focusing upon.
It doesn't say to me he can't relate.
It does say to me I wonder what he is relating to.
It doesn't say to me something is wrong or broken.
It does say to me here is a magical human being who has loads to teach me.

I get lost in his gaze.... it is beautiful
I get lost in my thoughts wondering about his
I get lost in his world as often as he would get lost in mine

Entering his space
Sitting next to him as close as he will let me
Waiting upon him
Learning to be still and quiet
Learning more by waiting then I ever thought imaginable
Learning joy in simplicity
Holding that minimizing input is a beautiful reality, one that should be practiced by more of us more often...

Waiting
Quiet
Gazing
Wonderment
Awe
Simple Pleasures
Joy


The statement, walking upon the spectrum, entered my heart in a new way this morning.  I thought about the light and color spectrum.  And I wondered.  I wondered about my friends and the individuals and families I love and work with that touch the Autistic spectrum ... It's a wondrous journey full not lacking ...  I looked at pictures of spectrums of light and color. I wondered what are we missing.  I wondered about "normal," and how crazy that word is.... I wondered about labels and corrections.  I wondered what I could learn  from simply sitting more and being in their presence not expecting them to sit and be in mine.  I began to realize in even deeper ways that I have far more to be given then to give.. Far more to learn then to teach...

And I smiled and thought of my young friend and his eyes and I smiled all the more... I finally think I am learning... Yogi Bhajan said to "understand" one must stand under.... That is definitely where I'll be found...It is a beautiful view from there...

Choices...................

Her smile lights up any room I have ever seen her occupy, and commanding a space is what this woman does amazingly well.  This Summer I got to spend a couple weeks with her as we worked towards our 200 hour yoga teacher training certificate.  But it is her story that won't let go of my heart.

I live in a small town.  But still on any given day there are numerous places I can go and do yoga.  The studio I go to is amazing and open to many types of yoga.  I have learned of a variety of forms, through excellent teachers who articulate breath cues, body postures and encouraging words within the framework of each way. Then there are other yoga communities or studios that I could go and check out, and am actually encouraged to do so by my teachers.

I took it for granted.  It didn't feel like a choice. It didn't feel like a luxury.

Then my friend's story, she lives in South Africa.  The yoga program I participated in has a large heart to bring yoga to the people there, all the people there.  It is still a very class/race issue.  There aren't necessarily the choices and opportunities I have.

Not only did her story impact my heart, but I would find other stories as well.

 I heard about how yoga was being brought to individuals with ADD,ADHD, and Autism and their families/support system.  I heard about how yoga was  being brought to incarcerated youth. I found my heart was being awoken to yoga for people who wouldn't necessarily find their way into a yoga studio.  Yoga would have to come to them.

To the homeless
To the veteran
To the elderly
To the sick

 I stay up at night, reading story after story.  It wasn't about any one person being anything in particular. It was about all becoming..  It wasn't about the program. It was about people.

Give a person a mat
Empower some one towards a mind that is more at rest.. more at peace
Teach them that their body is their own and that it can move and breathe and awaken and grow in strength

Relate to each human being as an individual in their own right
Experience the wonder of sharing space and energy
Accept that which a body and mind can do and allow for the wonder of how different we all are
Live.... live each day and each moment for that which it is, with whatever the circumstance.. Life is a gift..

Today... I am grateful
Grateful for choice
Grateful for my mat
Grateful for space

Grateful for a modality that has empowered me to know...
My body and mind and spirit are mine first....
I can breathe.. It might be harder then I ever anticipated but I can really fill myself with breath
I can find stillness and peace and joy and strength and weakness and all at the same time
I can modify when I need to without shame or doubt or fear
I can use supports (bolsters, blocks, straps, blankets... friends, teachers, therapists, family) to help me
I have choice

So for those who don't have the choices I have in life.. whether through life circumstances or whatever events have come their way, I want to open up a door of choice to them. It is hard to feel cornered and not know where and how choice is going to come. It is frightening to want something and not know the path to walk upon.  It is hard to face the world when the way your body or mind is wired is different then whatever agreed upon existing "norm."        

Yoga on and off the mat has taught me more than I could articulate.  It has definitely set me up for choices. For that I am very grateful.

When you don't feel you have any choices left....  breathe, find child's pose (a heart like a child), and breathe some more...  Find where to place your foot and breathe again.

I am not confused....

I want to introduce to the music I have been sitting with... Leaning into...  As the lyrics and music fill the air around me I am found happy.

I want to talk ....I will give you the link... I will give you the words...

So much of my journey has brought me into a place of understanding the stories of wheat and tares, of being careful of what one calls good and what one calls evil, of how the Spirit of the Lord exists in freedom and love far away from fear and restriction.  I would have you  notice the name of this blog.  The place is Samaria.  It is a place in Christian scripture where the religious faithful were told not to go, except we find Christ there.  We see Christ letting lepers touch Him, letting a woman with the issue of blood touch Him, letting children come unto Him.  The first of those two encounters would have made the Christ ceremonially unclean.  The religious of the day struggled.  How can this be? Isn't this of the devil? This is foreign?  They were afraid. They were threatened.  They enjoyed post and title and lifestyle.  They enjoyed the feeling of being the exclusive "holy people," except Christ ruined that by showing up on the scene calling tax collector, fisherman, plain folk to Himself.  Redefining "holy people," forever.

I just ask you before you think round peg round hole in regards to Yoga, and quickly negate the reality of the wealth that it brings to our bodies, our minds, our very beings, I would ask you to pause.

So here is one of my favorite new songs. I worship to it as if it was Misty Edwards or a song out of Bethel. Yes, I DO!  I am made full of Spirit and life and love as the words and music fill the space around me....

Here is the song:  Aad Guray Nameh   Sung by Snatam Kaur

Here are the words: Aad Guray Nameh, Jugaad Guray Nameh, Sat Guray Nameh, Siri Guroo Dayvay Nameh

Here is the interpretation of  the Lyrics....

I bow to the primal Guru
I bow to the truth that has existed throughout the ages
I bow to True Wisdom

I bow to the Great Divine Wisdom

Here's why I am not confused....

I do bow to the primal guru!

I do bow to the truth that has existed throughout the ages

I do bow to True Wisdom

I do bow to the Great Divine Wisdom...

I know who my teacher is (aka meaning of guru)  

I know the truth that has existed throughout the ages

I know True Wisdom

I know the Great Divine Wisdom

I am not confused as to what and who that is....... I am not afraid. I am full. I am touching joy and beauty and life and light.  I am not confused... I stand upon my mat and I know to whom I am grounded into .. I know to who I abide in... I am confident of this that having begun a good work in me there is a capacity of the Godhead to bring it to completion and that NOTHING separates me from the LOVE found in that place.

Our God is expansive. Our Spirit is so free. Our lives are so blessed.

Christianity and yoga.... Sharing my heart and resources.

It is upon me to not avoid this conversation.

It is upon my life daily.

Some of you ask me, some of you are concerned for me and some of you out and out think I have fallen away from a faith I hold precious and have served for decades. Through this journey with you, whichever group you fall into, I have come to a place of peace.   In entering into conversations and a dialogue I have found my voice.

This isn't the conversation I would be wanting to have.  I wouldn't want to have to have my yogi friends see your posts, see your questions, see your fear.  I don't think it represents the Christ we follow.  But I've heard your heart.  Now I'd like you to hear mine.

It is upon me to speak about this subject.  I walked among you and still do.  Jim and I stood in public places of ministry leading in a variety of venues for decades. Yoga hasn't changed my affection for Christ. It has enhanced it and grown it.

I want to share a couple things.  First I want to share a resource with you. Why rewrite something?  While I can't say I have read through every article upon the site, I have read some. Some I agree thoroughly with and others I would add or take away specific points.  But why recreate the wheel completely. Read and think and discern for yourself.

So a resource I have recently found is this website/blog.  Christians Practicing Yoga.  

 One article I have really liked upon the site is an interview with a woman named, Joanne Spence.
Her words and the book titles she mentions are ones I am working my through.

I didn't want to bring a defense to yoga into my Christian community.  But we don't always get to choose such things.

I am one who loves Christ deeply.  I was brought to faith not through the words of a man or woman but through a direct experience that I can not negate nor do I wish to.   I love Christ deeply and have served church and para church organizations for most of my adult life.  What I would say to those so struggling with my yoga practice, is that we should be struggling and attempting to sort out in house issues with such diligence and such motivation.  The horrors and sorrows I have seen within Christian organizations have brought such harm, and affected the lives of multitudes.  It is to those things I wish that you wouldn't turn a blind eye. But you like the preachers you like, and at times could care less about their actual lives as a man or a woman. Affairs go justified. Arrogance goes unseen. Pride and envy and jealousy and greed go through and through while we keep our heads in the sand, buying the books and going to the conferences and feeding gluttonously at the expense you understand not.  Those are some of the things I wish you would address with such fervor as how Christians should feel about yoga.

But it is easier to reach out and strike at yoga.  It is always easier to look at the poles in others eyes. But I think there's a story about that somewhere in the Gospels that we read.

Secondly, besides giving to you resources and not re creating the wheel, (so appreciative of others who have walked this road. So grateful for those I know and have been recently introduced to and those I have just met via sites like this one listed.)  I want to express to you what yoga has meant to me.

You have trusted me for decades to be discerning, as we would call it within our circles; prophetic/revelatory, seer, intuit, empath.  I really haven't changed.  About a decade and a half ago when I was standing before you teaching you how to drop "Christianese" as a language,  teaching you how to speak plainly about spiritual realities, teaching you how to see and touch those that needed love and affection and spirit and truth.. I was no different, teaching you to know and understand your dreams and what they were saying to you and how to interpret the dreams of others and bring understanding and life to friends, co-workers and family

Some of you even told me I was going to hell back then.  But to those who could touch and catch the vision of what was happening, we found life together. We explored and we found the places to live a natural way understanding supernatural phenomenon, but carrying it forward into our lives in ways that brought forth life and peace and joy.  This journey is no different. It truly is a continuation. A search to touch what it means to live in a body.  To know that Christ came in a body.  To join understanding and live a holistic life of Body, Soul and Spirit.  To be strengthened in my inner woman and find Spirit and life and light there.  

Mainly I wanted to say, I started yoga for two reasons and I kept it a private journey until I could feel the push of Holy Spirit to share.  To share my yoga journey publicly.  I knew it would be a can of worms. I knew not the depth nor the degree. But I have no regrets.  The reason for that has a lot to do with my two fold reason for beginning yoga.  First, if you have read any of my blogs or have ever heard me speak, there is an awareness of past abuse. I will leave it at that for this posting.  I have never touched a modality of healing liken to yoga.  Physical movement touching breathe touching being intentionally in the now moment spurred me on and created in me the likeness of which Ezekiel talks about. Dry bones coming to life with the Breath of Spirit reverberating deeply.. I found peace living in my body in ways I never had touched before. 

While Yoga is not a religion, it is a method through which Body, Soul, and Spirit find union and I have never .. Hear me.. NEVER existed so thoroughly in my body as I have since starting my yoga practice.  This is not deception. This is life in the richest form.  I will not stand by and hear my community of faith call good evil and that is partially what you have done.

Secondly and I take this to heart.  I lost my person almost a year ago to this date.  She loved yoga. She had mats.  I never got to ask her what her favorite posture was, although my mom will say she loved the mediation.  I can imagine that of her. My mom gave me her mats.  I went to yoga, with a mat, never having watched a YouTube Video. I went to yoga, with her mat. I went to yoga in those days because my heart ached and I missed her beyond expression. I went to yoga in those days, oblivious to what would happen within my community of faith. Oblivious to that loss that would come because the loss my heart was enduring was beyond great.  So no loss of you could even touch, even the slightest bit the immense loss of that person.  I stand in a place as a woman of faith, fully convinced that my God loves my yoga practice and smiles upon me as I stand and breathe and move.  I stand in a place as a woman of faith having lost friends, community, and in some cases credibility.  But I stand in a place as a woman of faith having stood.  I stand in this place as a woman of faith loving yoga and loving Jesus and knowing that I know that I know that I know that it is well with my soul.

I stand at a moment of almost touching the year to the day this magnificent human being ceased to walk the face of the earth. So I get it.  I get what you think about me and yoga. I get what you think of yoga. What I am asking of you is that you would read and educate yourself. People perish for lack of understanding and fear creates divides.  

I think it is time to cease looking at and for  the poles in the eyes of others.....  I think it is time for a intelligible discussion not based on fear and lack of knowledge but insightful gathering of truth.  

My yoga practice has transformed my life on and off the mat.  My faith stands firm. My heart stands strong. My entire being is resolute.

Breathing is easy... Yeah, right

It should be a no brainer.

I have kids. I have six kids. I've heard myself over the years. "Breathe," I would say. A shot for a vaccination. (Breathe) Heck, giving birth to each one of them, what did the nurse, doctor, midwife or doula tell me to do? BREATHE.

I've watched different children react to circumstances in their lives.  On the cusp of different moments, I've watched them hold their breath.  I've looked them gently in the eyes, "Breathe," I've said.  "You've got this," I've said. "Just breathe," we've all said at one point in our lives to ourselves or another.  I've also watched anger and reactionary moments and thought, "breathe," this too will pass. I've heard the first breath a human being has taken, I've stood beside sorrow, suffering and death and watched one I loved deeply gasping for every single breath. and I've gotten the news that one has ceased to breath.  

No, breathing isn't easy.

I have never thought so much about breath and my history with it, as I have these days.  How much I've held my breath.  When have I held my breath? Where am I breathing? When am I not breathing? Deep and powerful intakes of new, fresh breath with corresponding exhales, or gasping for breath as I hold it, waiting for the next proverbial shoe to drop.  Shallow, chest breathing filled my life. This reality was something I discovered very quickly as I started my yoga practice, I recall saying to my husband that my body felt airier. I felt space course into my spine.  It was noticeable.  There was this one moment where someone even approached me and expressed how differently I was carrying myself, how different I was walking.

Breath, movement and coming to terms with my body and receiving it more fully. Letting breath in.

Letting breath in means making space for it.  Seems like a simple enough statement.  But making interior space for something means something else is going to be displaced.  Interior self doesn't always navigate that so well.  Taking in a deep breath of fresh air, holding it within one's body, and then exhaling breath might seem like a no brainer. But taken consciously it is a very intimate act that connects body with spirit and soul. Breath connects oneself to oneself and to Holy Spirit.  At our origin breath and dirt were what brought us into being.

In that light, the importance of touching and understanding breath takes on a new relevance. I have never known just how many ways there are to breathe and take in breath. From breath of fire, to three part breathing, to alternate nostril, to my personal new favorite (thanks to an amazing yoga teacher) is bee breathing.  I've experimented. I've struggled. I've not been able to figure a method out and needed help.

Needed help breathing?

Absolutely!

My therapist and I will touch on a subject that well, goes to places my whole body doesn't want to go.. What happens? I stop breathing. What needs to happen?  BREATHE! Breath needs to enter my body. What really needs to happen?  I need to be able to relax and take in air and let it saturate my being bringing calm and reassurance. A gentle vocal reminder, "breathe," is spoken. Eyes close, breath is inhaled into my being, and I sit quietly letting those places in me absorb the new, fresh breath. I let my soul be saturated by clean, fresh air. I sit.  I remember. I am encouraged to breathe.

When I couldn't do Breath of Fire during my Kundalini (aka uses Breath of Fire alot) training, I finally just admitted, "I can't do this." The kindest of men stilled a class and brought instruction, grace and a moment forward teaching me to be gentle with myself and let even that breath come.  In trying to do three part breath there are places in my body that don't want to open. There are places in my body that struggle to take in new air.  The old air might be stagnant and stale but how to convince my body to let go and release?  Again another's kindness empowers me towards kindness to self.  Another's kindness teaches me to listen to my body and allow it the space it needs to learn how to relax and how to receive breathe, life, healing and joy.

Breath is a powerful component to our living.  One that maybe we don't spend enough time upon.

I've learned to notice the quality of my breath. I've learned to just let my breath be what it is in the moment, and I've received tools that empower me to receive breath deeper and fuller into my body.  I am grateful.

If we don't breathe, it is proven, that a person will  pass out and the  body will, in normal circumstances, take over. But what happens if in life we are breathing just enough that that doesn't happen? We can live a long time on in a shallow place. I lived a long time in a shallow place.  My body, blood, heart and soul hungering for more air then I was allowing in, so grateful for the grace that carried me on and whispered in my ear....  

"Breathe!"

Knowing and being known... When you should have been "afraid" for my "soul," you weren't....

I told my good  friend about the planning for this post. I told her what it felt like to be thinking about writing this one. I showed her pictures, I told her stories and I cried.





These pictures are almost exactly a year apart.

What is obvious would be the weight that was lost.  What isn't as obvious but the same words could be used is the weight that was lost.


I won't go back and rewrite a history that was lived.  What I have come to begin to touch is that the journey of life takes us upon a very wild ride.  What I will believe about myself is that I attempt to live as honest of a life as I can day in and day out with the understanding and revelation I have in the season and time.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that I would ever emerge as the person I am today.  Never in  my wildest imagination would I have been able to conjure up the life I am living and loving and relaxing into.  Never in my most far out thoughts of myself would I have ever thought I could be on the brink of touching such a settled feeling in life. Never.....  But in a year's time I am awe struck at what possibility, hope and just plain not giving up can do.

The best comments I have gotten back recently is you like the "How tos.." I get that. The nuts and bolts of how this all works.  The thing is ... one of the wisest people I have met this past year doesn't give me as many of the nuts and bolts that I would want and that has been the greatest "How to," I have ever learned.

So here is a story for you....  We all have seasons in our lives that feel like the earth is shaking and the landscapes that we have known and trusted are shattering.  What I have learned isn't new to anyone and is a tad more cliche then I care for.... But simply put, if one just keeps going, relaxes as much as possible and breathes.. the day called tomorrow will come and the day after that and the day after that and the day after that.....

If one wants change. If one wants something to change and is willing to stick through the actual process when the wanted change starts to come (one might realize that the change that was seemingly wanted isn't wanted as much anymore.) BUT...

I knew I wanted something different
I didn't know exactly what that was
I didn't want to live in the negative.... Like when I was thinking, "I can't do this anymore,"  I knew I didn't want to live in the what I couldn't dos I wanted to discover the what I could dos.
I knew I needed help
When I quit or wanted to quit or when I did quit I learned humility and found my way back to the journey and unquit. I have had very gracious people in  my life who understand that it is a process that takes time and the pacing out of that process is what it is and that that is ok, more than ok.. it is as it should be...

I want to use a futuristic story that is written in the Christian gospels.  I want to use that story and a conversation to give you the foundation for change.

So as the story goes... Jesus is teaching

Do not judge.
Keep precious what is precious ie don't throw pearls to swine .. (your heart to those who won't understand)
Be one who asks
Be one who seeks
Be one who knocks
Treat people the way you would want to be treated
There are few who will spend the time to find the ways of life, most want a quick fix.. spend the time. The way is narrow.. few people go there but be one who journeys upon that road of discovery.
Be aware (Beware) of those who teach falsely.  Good things can not come from a bad tree. Examine the fruit of one's life. There are the proverbial and not so proverbial wolves in sheep clothing.. I've met too many of them. They look like sheep, they smell like sheep.. they even sound like sheep but they will never bear baby sheep and the flow of their lives will eventually tell you what's what.

Then comes this story...

Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter. Many will say to Me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?’ And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me,

Ok.. there's that story from the book, Matthew.

Here's another story.

I sat at a table in a coffee shop.  There were three of us.  There was a conversation.  I listened. They listened. We went back and forth talking different points about what it might mean to live a life of Christian faith.  I had been on this journey where I knew that I had been influenced by culture in a way that was not as true to the heart of God as I wanted.  Living in America and being part of this culture as a Christian we have a very different "gospel," at times.  At times I would say the "christ," that is followed is no different then the Golden Calf idol formed in the desert in the times of Moses.Making a version of a god that is more palpable and golden delicious then the actual Divine Man that walked the face of the earth as the age of the world went from before Him to after Him.  I wanted something different.  I didn't know what, I just knew that after twenty-two years of serving in churches and para church organizations something had to be different.

I listened to concerns about listening to empty philosophy's of men and different Pauline teachings. But what was rattling in my heart was the other story I just told you.  Whatever your beliefs are I had spent what seemed like a life time, since the age of 19, walking one certain road.  What that gave me was wisdom and depth and breadth of experience.  I knew some of what I was talking about.

While not verbatim, this would be the gist of what I would say...

I would express that I heard what was being said, and then I would share that my deepest concern was that there will come a day according to Christian scripture that all will stand before the Christ.  Some He will have known and others He will have not.  In our audacity at times as Christians we want to say who that is and who that isn't....  I took this moment to share that my largest concern was this, I had spent a life time in ministry, aka... "casting out demons, healing the sick, etc."  And I thought that the who that is and who that isn't might be very different than anything we have ever thought.

You see what I realize now is this... When you should have been afraid for my soul you weren't. That is what I wish I would have said succinctly.  When you thought I was doing all the right things, and living a life that people thought was godly and full of spirit and gifting and life, I wasn't knowing nor was I being known. But in the West, and in the American culture we care more about the doing and the results. I could prophesy, foretell the future, speak over and into the lives of many. HOWEVER  I was more on the road to a proverbial hell and not being known by God during a time when the church and the religious faithful would have said I was sold out and wanted to emulate my life and the way I flowed in the spirit.

Hear me on this... especially if you are of the Christian faith AND even more especially if you are in ministry or want to be in ministry.  I was doing all the right things.Except I wasn't
. 
That day at that coffee table what I would say is I get that in Christian belief there is an idea of many will depart from the faith, aka "fall away.".  What I said is I think that that has happened and I believe it has happened with more of the people that stand behind the pulpit then sit in front, and we are those that that story I shared speaks of.  I gestured to the three of us sitting there at the table, including myself.  I knew that I had spent decades dangerously and precariously doing all the right things and yet in being busy and being in the business of the doing of the ministry, I wasn't being known.  I was setting the agenda. I needed to be doing and thinking that I was building  for God, maybe more of what I was doing was keeping busy for self.

The greatest difference between those two pictures I first shared is I lost a life I thought was what I wanted only to find the way to Life and living in love in such a way that grounds me into Spirit and humanity in ways that I have never known.

I found stillness
I found silence
I found quiet

Again both Christian and Hebrew scripture will emphasis rest, trust, quiet... those concepts are NOT just beautiful truths lived out by those more of the faiths that come from the East.

Cease striving and know God
Be still and know God

Meditate upon the things of Creation and Spirit.
Separate from the events of the day and go to lonely places and learn to be just with self and Creator.. The Christ we follow or say we follow did... (Even if it starts with 2 minutes... learn to sit with yourself. A prayer I have told you about that has filled out my journey these past two years is attributed to St. Francis of Assisi.. Lord, my God who are you and who am I?  ) I have sat, paused, struggled, wept, laughed and fought for the answers and some I get, the more important ones I don't for they are to be lived and trusted in the mystery that they are... Again in the West/ in America.. we want to KNOW.. we want to be CERTAIN.. we want to have the answers....  It is in the unknowing that we can learn to know, it is in uncertain times that trust is grown and in the lack of answers comes living.

Again some simple how tos... they too come from Hebrew text...

Love Mercy
Do Justly
Walk humbly


Sometimes I  shake my head these days because in the midst of concern that I am dabbling into things that are taking me away from orthodoxy of belief I have actually found the most true expression I think I have ever walked in the twenty three years I have followed the Divine Man, The Christ.

Maybe we should take a very careful look at when you should have been concerned for my soul and you weren't, are the care takers ( ie pastors, priests etc, ) of your souls taking care of their own. If such a day does occur do you really want to watch as they were told they weren't known? If such a day does occur do you really want to have lived  a life of  correct religious activity only to hear you weren't known?  This is important t and it has caused me to tremble and work out what does it mean to live a life towards Spirit, what does it really mean? And then what am I going to do about that...

She saw the laughing Buddha ... My Christian faith and yoga life. Yes those two things can be in the same sentence.

I'll be honest a few months ago I wouldn't be able to write this post.  So I smile as I start typing away. It isn't that there aren't still the moments where my heart beat loses it's regularity and a defibulator or brown paper bag or reminder to breathe is called for immediately, its just that I am finding my feet a tad bit more upon this journey that is my life.  Oh these days have me pausing often. To share... Not to share. How does one make wise decisions about a public and personal online profile? And when the wisdom that would scream in my head, "NO don't share that." wants its way and the wisdom that would sing into my heart whispers, "share that." I feel the conflict. Grab the brown bag or need the reminder to breathe, as I share.

I think the thing about me that I am discovering is that I have seen the detrimental affects of being silent and not speaking or using my voice.  And these are real issues. Real issues often need a frame work for discussion. Full of love, respect, kindness, gentleness and listening ears more than speaking mouths.  I am not being flippant or coy with people's hearts or understanding of how they perceive faith, life and yoga.

We must all journey with the understanding that we currently possess.  So whether you do yoga and are a Christian, or do yoga and aren't a Christian or only do Holy Yoga or think yoga well is somehow harmful... I want to say Namaste.  I want to say that that which is light and truth and life and beauty in me recognizes, honors, cherishes that which is light and truth and life and beauty in you.  Sat nam, you are seen.  That which comprises the most essential you that you are is that which I see as the expression of your life.  I respect your journey. It is yours to have.

 For anyone who knows me, really knows me... My passion for and love of the Spirit and the life with influences from sensory input from the unseen is at the core of my very being.  I see the world through the lens  of an Empath, an intuitive human being, a contemplative Christian, a Seer.  Pick whatever word your tradition affords you an understanding,

 I look and watch and wait upon Spirit, light and wonder to lead and guide me through my days. It is the way I am intrinsically wired. I see people more as light then of flesh at times.  Living with my senses wide open and receptive is like breathing, it happens whether I am mindful of it or not. I do not struggle with nor deny the existence of Spirit or the unseen seen.  It is that it just is within my frame of reference and world view.

I have a barometer of sorts that I use to align myself to the day, because I am not one who is looking to live a hyper esoteric life.  It becomes a specialty of mine, within my spiritual direction practice, to work with Empaths, Christian intuitive contemplative types, and people of all different faiths;  and walk with them as they discover how to be wired the way they are while also being grounded upon the Earth. Personally if there needs to be a label for understanding or "boxing" in, I would say I live with a contemplative Christian framework that has a lot of nuances to it. Ever hear the good ole Texas song, Don't fence me in. That might be my motto for spirituality these days.

Ok... slight background given. Back to the post.

My email or message box are full of two types of correspondences these days.  First, seemingly there are Christians coming out of the closet. Not the one you might be thinking of (that's a different topic for a different day.) This closet is the yoga studio.  I remember the day I stared at Facebook and could feel that my yoga practice was no longer just going to be mine.  I could feel it in my bones.  I knew the choice. I actually did understand the can of worms I was opening.

Yoga had been changing my life, healing my soul, restoring my body... me, being me and my life being what it is.. felt the time to share was upon me.  Instantly the two fold response was in play.  There was no middle ground I was either going straight to hell and being damned for leading the faithful astray or there was a huge sigh of relief from closeted yogis who would profess to love Christ.  In those moments I am not sure which reaction bore grief more upon my heart. There was also many an opportunity to learn to not fuel into flame an anger and hostility to the faith that I had served for over two decades.  It was quite the tight rope for my  heart to walk and who I am joking, at times can very much still be...

There isn't an argument I haven't heard and many a well wisher was now inviting me to "coffee", whether in person or online, to help this backslidden, fallen away "sister" get things right.

What they couldn't hear and I couldn't say cleanly back then was this... Christ and Spirit and Breath and Light and Love were meeting more on the yoga mat in the yoga studio day after day then I had found in the physical church building for months, maybe years.What I couldn't share cleanly back then, because my heart wasn't in the right place (I was hurt and angry and frustrated with the fear and religious smallness that was anything but Christ like), was that the Spirit of the Lord was meeting me day after day on the yoga mat in the yoga studio as I spoke Sanskrit words and prayers; speaking that as my Lord and Savior He would decide where and when He would meet me. It has never really been about a building.

The day I will never forget was a day at a restorative yoga class.  It is what I affectionately call my "lie on a bolster and breathe," class. I was in a reclining position. Leaning back upon bolsters. When all that I know to be of God and the voice in which I am spoken to (and the way so very many of you have trusted in the past for me to hear and receive from... just saying.. promised myself I wouldn't get snarky in this post.. that is so not my heart nor my intention. I want to honor another's journey as I would want mine to be honored.. but I digress) began to speak.

"Do not call good evil or evil good.  There is good in places where people would see only evil and there is evil in places where people would call good.  Do not call good evil or evil good." It rang in my ears so much that I sat straight up.  I knew with lack of understanding people perish and harm is done and fear gets in and I also know that a love so perfect and beautiful and divine washes all that fear away.  I have seen the "evil" in supposedly "good" places. Green rooms and hospitality suites of some of your favorite speakers before they go on to share the "word of the Lord," I have seen jealousy and envy that would kill and actually did. I've been in the world of Christian ministry for 23 years, I've seen a lot of evil in the name of good and God.
I haven't been in yoga for even a year but I have tasted and seen the goodness of God in the land of the living and have been brought back to life with breathe and postures and meditation.  I'm not naive in thinking the land of yoga is a land of utopian bliss without the affects of humanity upon it. I have found immense kindness and generosity of spirit and openness within said culture and community and am profoundly moved.

This dialogue bears down upon my heart and I lose clear articulation at times.  I'm on a journey. I have seen where I have stepped into a place where I am not "Christian" enough for many of my friends or people who knew me through our organization.  I have met wonderful people who try and grapple with my understanding of how I perceive and receive life and have seen where I am not "secular" enough. I have also met the most wonderful of people  who have had coffee (not the come back to Jesus kind) and walked with me in this season with listening ears and open hearts.  I have learned that I would rather discern my way through something and feel frail and small and strong and courageous, all at the same time, while trying to remember to breathe then give into fear. I've lost more than I ever thought would happen but in so doing the old adage has been confirmed. In losing a life I could not hold onto I gained a life I would have never imagined possible.

Yoga and Jesus have given that to me....  A life of light, breathe, beauty and sound. It is well...

So the title of the blog post is probably the epitome of my life right now.  A dear friend, who knows my love for Madeleine L' Engle, who is best known for being the author of A Wrinkle in Time, gave me the most beautiful necklace a couple weeks ago.  You see L'Engle tells a story of a white laughing Buddha upon her desk that reminds her not to take her life so seriously. I NEED THAT REMINDER CONTINUOUSLY!!! The necklace is this beautiful turquoise necklace with a laughing Buddha head as it's center piece.  I get immense joy from wearing it.

I was wearing the necklace this one day and upon a trip to the store entered into this conversation with someone; who, it would be quickly discovered knew some of the same people I have known.  A woman of Christian faith (as I am as well) and I entered into a conversation that would be indicative of two well versed people within said tradition.  Both engaged, both enjoying the conversation, both enjoying the new meet up and then....  her eyes grew a bit big and she shook her head and then looked at me.

 I could feel what was happening.  In me not taking myself so seriously and an apparent contradiction to all that our conversation had just held (said necklace) this new acquaintance was trying to grapple with what I touch every day.  A seeming contradiction that isn't a contradiction within my heart. A discrepancy appeared on the horizon and in a moment I went from being peer to not being "christian" enough.

 I really suggest reading Richard Rohr's The Naked Now, it is brilliant in its articulation upon these issues of faith, contemplation and how mystics see.  She very politely expressed how nice it was to meet me and that maybe we would see each other around.  She left as did I and as the reverberations were to be felt for the next few minutes (or more) in my world, I knew one thing... I was not taking the necklace off... I was not giving up my yoga practice.  I was and am becoming a yoga teacher who desires to use the modality of yoga therapeutically. I will also celebrate the life of Christ and the mystical, contemplative side of Christianity while holding a "both and" non - dualistic world view that says beauty and truth and spirit and God are found in all things.

I had recently written a blog post about my journey and excitement about taking my 200 hr teacher training this Summer, and a comment that was written back was, "why would I want to do such a thing as become a yoga teacher?"  I read it. Deleted it. Then thought to myself ... "Why would you want to do such a thing as breathe?"  For me it is one and the same............


Sat Nam............

Part One: Life off the mat...

Off the mat is where yoga has really taken me.... There are 10 statements I want to share... tonight I will share 5....


1)  Whatever you do in life ..... Breathe... Breathe deep... Inhale.... Exhale.... Repeat

 Might sound so easy. Right? I mean if we didn't do it we wouldn't be alive.  Except I wasn't breathing. And in many places I had ceased to live. Really live... Really Breathe

I couldn't remember when  the last time I had  stopped and taken a purposeful breath, or when had I  paid attention to how shallow I was breathing. 

 SO right now.  Pause.... Pause right now.. Get into a comfortable position.  Sit. Sit still. Still your mind and your body.  Wait a minute.. OK.. at least 30 seconds..

Now .... Now take a deep breathe in from your nose... Hold it..... Slowly let it out...A teacher of mine would say that one is to breathe deeply and intentionally 3 times every 31 minutes.  I might not make it every 31 minutes, but throughout the day; I stop, pause, and take three deep breaths.  If something is stressful or I am not sure how I would really like to respond... I stop, pause and take a few deep breaths.  My mind feels clearer. My soul feels steadier. My body feels more at ease.


2) Seriously now... After breathing... Here is the number 2 absolute favorite thing yoga has taught me.... When things get hard........................... Smile ........ Smile big ...

I hear it in my head now and this I have to say has revolutionized my life.  When I remember this one (maybe even more than breathing..lol) my life is soooooo sooooo sooooo  much better.

On the mat... when the pose gets hard and my ego wants to get it right, and get it "right" without having to make any modifications... oh the ego dies hard.  I take a deep breathe in and I put a smile on my face and even let myself fall out of my attempt. I give myself a break. I smile. Take myself less seriously....Surprisingly enough... actually once the smile is on my face, the posture is seemingly easier...

Off the mat this has been amazing for my soul and for my daily life.  I feel like a different person.  I will actually just use the word "smile," as a mantra on some days and it is AMAZING at what that does.... Well, Mims what if it isn't a "smiling" kind of moment. Oh, there is an essence to this that transcends what the moment contains.

For instance, it is August 8, 2015... On August 8, 2014, I was in Rhode Island. On that day I was sitting next to a most precious person to my heart and my life. I could touch her still. I could look at her face. I could hear her voice.  On that day, while days were slipping away, I did think we still had many more days.

Today has been a hard day.

This morning I sat and thought that in less than three weeks, I will touch a day that will mark the one year passing of my most beautiful auntie. A woman who was my person.  A woman who could make you definitely smile and certainly calm your heart. She was a strong and beautiful and immense human being. Her absence has stolen my breath and knocked me in the gut pretty significantly.

But  this morning as  I sat, and I breathed .. exhale  one... two.. three.... four.... inhale one... two... three. four... Tears would slip down my face but a smile would emerge as I looked up into the clouds and closed my eyes and let the smile sooth my soul.

Smile... Smile when the posture is hard, smile when life is hard... smile. It is a stance that as I have brought into practice I have been stunned by the transformation of self.  I am more at ease in my own skin.  I am less tightly wound. There's something about it....

Don't take my word for it.... Put it into practice...ON and OFF the mat... Smile more... Walk around with a gleam in your eye and a smile on your heart and face. Watch what happens inside. 

3) It isn't always hard... "Lie on a bolster and breathe." Sometimes you have to go easy on yourself... This is good for you.. And very good for your ego. (OK.... very good for my ego) and my body and my soul and my mind .... you get it... :)

There are a couple classes  that I make time for during the month even if I can't weekly.  They are what I affectionately call.... "Lie on a bolster and breathe class".. aka Restorative Yoga.(So excited for this to be my next modular of training.. I believe in this modality of yoga practice.) There  simply are not the words. I won't even try to explain what this one hour does for me.  A) I don't leave feeling like I worked up a sweat = ego thinking if schedule is tight it is the class I can miss.  (FYI ego is wrong... If life schedule is tight this is the one class I shouldn't miss!)

The body, the mind, the soul... needs to lie on a bolster and breathe and feel supported. Give yourself a break. 

4)When you want to look to the left or to the right and compare.. close those eyes... This is your practice.. aka your life... Live and enjoy
Perhaps one of my favorite statements in yoga class. "This is your (YOUR) practice."  It is mine!  Compare not... There will always be someone whose body is more fit, there will always be someone whose body is less fit, there will always be a yogi/yogini in class who can move their body in the most magnificent of ways, there will always be a first time student or a beginner or someone just trying to do their best.

Close your eyes if you have to... this is the moment where it gets to be about you... MAKE SURE YOU TAKE THIS ONE OFF THE MAT!!!!!  Make moments where in life you live your life. Compare not.  It is deadly. That stinking thinking will only mess with your heart and your mind and everything else.  Find a mantra... Oh, I know! How about ... "SMILE!"  Just that as your mind wanders as it will as do your eyes... close eyes and repeat after me... "SMILE!"  "SMILE!" "SMILE!"

5) Sometimes you just can't do something... modify..... There's always a way.. Give yourself options.. Modify!

I'm pretty spoiled. I have great teachers who know all kinds of tricks. Whether it is using a prop; such as a strap or a bolster or a block or a blanket modifications rule.  Not to the ego but that thing needs to go anyway....  It has taken me a while to be really ok with when I need a block or a strap.  Oh, I've used it.. BUT my mind and those gremlins. Except that is what modifications are for... and I wish that in life grabbing a block or strap or some other "prop" would be so easy.

When I just can't do something.. a question, that can be substituted into my being instead of berating myself, is what can I do? And is there something that can help me? Find the something or someone and ask... Ask for help...

My yoga training had a lot... and I mean A LOT of Breath of Fire... and I sucked at it...  So finally I just spoke up... A) I wasn't the only one who had questions and B) it felt exposing at first and amazing after I got over myself.....

When in life something just can't be done ... ask yourself what can and go do that.... and ask for help and support along the way....  Blocks and bolsters and straps and blankets come in all shapes and sizes... Friends and family and teachers and peers and therapists.... You might have to ask or get up and go get one from the "prop" wall but make the effort (both on and off the mat) it does wonders.

I might spend hours in the studio but I live off the mat.... That life on and off is expanding and I am full of joy and wonder and awe ... OH... and smiles and breathe and new friends and loads of support......

When unsure... When full of questions...
Breathe....Lie on a bolster...Get Support, Smile.... Relax  and breathe..........

Ahimsa... A question on a test birthed the question of a lifetime...

I quickly scanned question after question. I let  myself get a feel for what was before me, one test and a couple more assignments and my 200 hour yoga teacher certificate would be a reality.  My thoughts were so small. They were too small. They were about to be enlarged.  It would cease to be a test, a certificate, a "job opportunity," and it would be become a new starting point for life, for living.


There was this one question on the concept of ahimsa.  Easy enough. Right? No twelve part question upon that subject.  Just two sections presented.  Describe the concept and three ways you apply it to your life.  Pause. There was no yellow blinking light for caution or proceed slowly.  But I can't tell just yet if it was a green light or a red one.  There was most certainly both a definitive stop and a most elaborate go.

How do I apply ahimsa to my life?

First.. There is a simple definition that is anything
 but simple in its application.

A Sanskrit word; it means, cause no injury, do no harm, compassion.  D. Djenab, in an article on the subject, communicates it this way; "The essence of ahimsa is non-violence of our own heart."  When I read those words, answering the question of how I put this beautiful concept into reality became that much harder.  Oh, could I write about how I care about my animals, my home, the environment, others? Yes.  But I knew that this question upon this test was alive and speaking directly at me.

Answer it honestly, Mims Driscoll.  That was what the test was saying to me.  "Answer it honestly."  I was going to have to move forward and answer other questions.  Because the truest answer that at that moment that would have been written down was, "I don't."

I don't practice non-violence when it comes to self.  The foreign nature of the actual word, matched the foreign nature of the application to self.

My words, attitudes, thoughts if ever geared towards another would be hideous BUT towards self I allowed them.  If I, overhearing another ever speak to one as I often spoke to self, my mothering instincts, liken unto a bear, would be furious.  But not so towards myself.  Not so towards self-hatred, or criticism geared at how I did something or spoke something or wrote something.  A critical and judgmental stance towards myself was eating my heart alive, empowering fear and limiting my life in extreme ways.

The ricocheting of the question would touch and kiss another question that would be presented to me, "How does having that thought serve you?"  Within a recent conversation, I would be asked that question point blank.  How do thoughts that are destructive/violent in nature serve me?  What would it be like to pause, stop and then go?

What if I paused and captured the thought and called it intrusive instead of true?
What if I stopped and rerouted the train of thought onto another path that was exiting self not making a home at the station of my life?
What if I went ahead with a different thought?
What if the what ifs weren't of  catastrophe and disaster but what if the what ifs I let reside within me were of hope, light, life and dreams?
What if failure wasn't so scary? What if I could touch missing a mark as an opportunity to learn and not an indictment upon myself?
What would I then do?
What would I then be?

That traffic light I mentioned in the beginning..

It actually was all three colors...


Yellow--- Slow down enough to actually take account of what you are saying to yourself.  Slow down enough to actually realize how cruel to self we all can actually be.  Slow down enough to know that acquiring one more "whatever," at the expense of self and soul will never be worth it.

Red--- Stop! For me I was carrying on patterns that I hadn't even started.  I had allowed. But I was letting the thoughts and opinions of others dictate false truths. I was allowing fear to limit and constrict. I wasn't releasing myself to life's fullness because I was letting detrimental thoughts towards self and about self be true. I was believing all sorts of lies about myself.  What I realized is that they did serve a purpose though.  It was upon allowing that drop of water to touch a dry sponge like heart, that will begin a new flow.

Stop!  If I think that of myself (fill in the blank) it won't hurt so much if another thinks that too.  If I think that because of (fill in the blank) that I can't do thus and so, then when I can't or if I fail.. well, I knew all along I couldn't.  Having negative, violent thoughts about ourselves do serve us! In a limiting and horrifying way. But why else would we keep them around?

Green--- GO!!!! Go for it!!!! Live!!!  It doesn't mean there isn't fear or thoughts or doubts... It just means that the desire to GO and  to LIVE get to override those fears.  It means that the one step forward towards (fill in the blank for yourself) is taken. It means the thoughts and doubts don't override the decision to take the first step. It means you let the first step be the first step.  A first "hello," of sorts.  A first class, a first shared smile, a first meeting, a first try.... It means you keep going even if the first was hard or bad or you realized maybe that first isn't the first you want to have.

I don't know what your "gos" are going to be like but I can say my recent "first steps," my recent "GOs" have been amazing.  I have met new people, done new things, followed new passions, changed self thoughts and yes, I have begun to touch, taste, try ahimsa.....

I like how it fits on me.
I like how I smile more now.
I like that when the "gremlins" of thought come (as they always will) I have new abilities that are growing stronger and stronger to silence them.
I like how the days hold promise, challenge, struggle, victory, defeat and a dusting off and a getting up and a heart that says I am trying again.

So how are the ways I am practicing ahimsa... That answer causes not just a smile to spread across my face but to fill out my heart.

Mangaliso..... What Yoga Means to Me.

I was sitting in a room full of light and beauty, new friends coming in and going out.  The back doors had been spread wide open, a beautiful fragrant breeze was making its way into the space. A space that had been filled with laughter, tears, teaching, games, bodies, song, dance and yoga.  I had called this place home for a couple weeks, soon it would be ending.  Actually soon it would only be beginning.

I've written in the past about many a journey.  I have watched myself touch level after level of vulnerability. I have then discovered the immense lack of true vulnerability.  I have metered out what I wanted to say, still within my heart attempting to discover what this journey can be about.  I have touched more questions than answers. I've learned that most answers are fleeting. Walking with the questions is where the real journey lives.

Upon this day, I wanted a word.  I wanted a word. A Zulu word to be exact.  I had met this vibrant and beautiful South African woman.  Her smile lit up any room she stepped into, her spirit immense, her strength a wonder.  I wanted a word for life.  A word that would embody a concept that would capture energy, light, truth, beauty and wonder.

I will never forget when the sounds danced off her tongue.  "Mangaliso!"  I asked her to repeat it numerous times.  It is such an immense sound.  The meaning of it will capture your heart and hopefully cause you to soar.  "You are an amazement."  Such a fabulous word! Such a delicious sound!  The reality of it penetrated my being as I sat with it.

Yes, this is what I will bring into my Spiritual Direction practice.  This is definitely what will form out the life of yoga within me and as I step into teaching.  To watch and view and hold each human being with the eyes that see" Mangaliso," in each and every one.

Tonight as I rested, I remembered a  vision, a story.  Not at all unique to me whatsoever.  There is a story in Ancient Hebrew text of a man named Ezekiel.  He took a journey with the One who had created man. One can read the story where it is said that the Creator bent down and taking a piece of earth breathed into it and man became. Breath!  Ezekiel would step upon other soil watching Creator once again breathe forth life back into the dryest of bones.

The story is found in a book baring his name, in the 37th chapter.  As I thought about the familiar story I found a new joy.  As I took a deep breath in and let the words of the story course over and into my being.  I found amazement.

In December 2014, I stepped upon a yoga mat for the first time.  Dry bones. Dry bones meeting new soil.  Dry bones being added to... Dry bones having muscle and life touching their frame once again.  Dry bones needing breath and having a new and fresh wind of Spirit blown into them.  I would come to the mat time after time.  I would bring my dry bones to sacred ground, my mat.  I would receive breath into my body.  Deeply into places that hadn't touched life and oxygen and breath for ions.

Within months I would say to my husband, "My body feels airier. I feel lighter, I feel more alive." I touched the reality that I had not breathed into my being, truly breathed into my being for far too long.

That Ezekiel passage reads like this:

The hand of the Lord was upon me, and He brought me out by the Spirit of the Lord and set me down in the middle of the valley; and it was full of bones. He caused me to pass among them round about, and behold, there were very many on the surface of the valley; and lo, they were very dry. He said to me, “Son of man, can these bones live?” And I answered, “O Lord God, You know.” Again He said to me, “Prophesy over these bones and say to them, ‘O dry bones, hear the word of the Lord.’ Thus says the Lord God to these bones, ‘Behold, I will cause breath to enter you that you may come to life. I will put sinews on you, make flesh grow back on you, cover you with skin and put breath in you that you may come alive; and you will know that I am the Lord.’”
 
So I prophesied as I was commanded; and as I prophesied, there was a noise, and behold, a rattling; and the bones came together, bone to its bone. And I looked, and behold, sinews were on them, and flesh grew and skin covered them; but there was no breath in them. Then He said to me, “Prophesy to the breath, prophesy, son of man, and say to the breath, ‘Thus says the Lord God, “Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe on these slain, that they come to life.”’” So I prophesied as He commanded me, and the breath came into them, and they came to life and stood on their feet, an exceedingly great army.

I will never forget those first days and weeks, when time after time I would bring my body into a beautiful space with  beautiful people.  The question that was reverberating deeply in my own heart echoed Ezekiel's words... "Can these bones live?"  I needed breath to enter me so that I could come back to life.  Places in my heart and life had had a metaphoric slaying. The breathe wouldn't be metaphor.  

There is power in breath.  There is dignity in a body. There is beauty in essence and light that make up humanity.  I would touch Namaste.  I would touch Sat Naam. I would feel breath and strength and light and love and Spirit touch my body and empower life to reenter dry bones.

This journey has been walked forward. It has not been without tears and sorrow but it has also had the most immense joy and strength and life.  Yoga has brought Mangaliso into my days and into my life and into me.... 

 I have been reminded that I am an amazement.  I am light. I am strong. 

 Yoga has awoken my eyes to the light and beauty in each one I pass, see, journey next to and love.  People.. humanity stands simply and profoundly as an amazement.  The reality of us all is that the light in each one of us is amazing and offering that light and life and breathe to one another brings dry bones back to life. 

 Ever so grateful for each one who has walked alongside me in this journey.  Each one.. all have added.  Those that have understood and cheered me forward and those that have carried concern and wonderment of what this process actually was.  I am not being coy here... nor am I being flippant.  Each one who has understood, attempted to understand or has journeyed with their own struggle... You.. each of you are an amazement to me.... The beauty of yoga and this life is that the light that grows strong in me recognizes and honors and cherishes the light that is beautiful and grows strong in you... 

Sat Naam... Means I see the essence of that which you are.. The truth of your name.. The truth of your being... You are seen. I am seen. Let's discover together the beauty and wonderment and live amazed.