Recovering from trauma: Our bodies.....

Welcome to a multi post series.

 One which I have thought quite a bit about.  Recovering from Trauma will touch upon issues that people face as they live in their bodies, with themselves and the realities that they have faced.  These posts will touch upon stories and give examples and exercises in regards to  body and breathe and meditative techniques that will empower us all to live a richer and more full life, overcoming fear and pain and empowering each other towards a deeper wholeness then maybe ever thought possible.

There are so many things we don't talk enough about it.

 In a book entitled The Girl Next Door, I am writing about that very thing.  We live in neighborhoods, next to people; we live and work and walk among each other and pass each other on streets and in buses, in restaurants and malls. Presentation  dictates that which we think about one another.  Exterior vestiges displaying that which we choose to portray to the larger world.

I used to watch people drive around the cul de sacs of the neighborhoods I grew up within.  I used to hear how people wanted to move to this part of town or that part of town, the best schools, etc... I used to watch out of my window, as if I could hear their deepest longings to live upon streets like mine.  Perception of what life is like upon those roads, within those houses.  Perception is as people would make it to be, it isn't reality. 

So much happened in those "perfect," suburban neighborhoods, stacked with perfectly manicured lawns, beautifully painted shutters, and mail boxes lining drive ways measured exactly same width and distance from street and curb.

Perfect.

Perception. Very faulty.....

The stories that I share in The Girl Next Door, are shared to empower people towards knowing that they have a voice and learning how to use it.

How am I going to use my voice this evening?

I want to talk about how yoga, unlike anything else I have experienced, in almost 44 years of living, has empowered me to live and exist in my body. A place, I would rather normally be caught dead in, then ever live fully within.  I've negated my body most my life.

This past weekend I took an amazing Restorative Yoga Teacher Training class.  It reminded me of when I started yoga, when I went for my 200 teacher training, when I would walk for the first times into a studio and lay down upon a mat and begin to a move a body that I had hated all my life.  Somewhat, ok totally not somewhat, actually completely 100% oblivious to my own body and how it can move, how I can live within it, what it can feel.

As a very young child, I became master at disassociated living. I became an expert on how to leave my body, and float above it, living far away from it, completely disconnected from every reality that happened, within or without.  The sad part of that existence,  one at least, was that it became to the degree that it didn't matter whether the events were good or bad. I had conditioned myself to survive. I had taught myself not to feel. I had learned how to negate all sensation.

To that reality I still pretty much existed when I stepped upon the yoga mat back in December 2014.  My body and I are not friends. I am not saying that in ten months my body and I have become BFFs. In some ways I still struggle very much on a daily basis.  I'm almost 44, I am 5'2", I weigh normally around 140ish (can I just say information that I haven't even told my therapist, nor am I willing to go in and stand and be weighed blind) But tonight I have felt the importance upon this post and the ones that will follow.

Yoga is the one modality that is getting my butt in gear towards touching life; within the framework of bones, tendons, tissues etc.  Yoga has been the path that has brought recovery beyond my wildest imagination.  Yoga has put me back into my body; not always and not every time but more then not I have laid, stood, sat upon that mat and been transformed. I have opened up my heart and mind to receive the physical reality of me.  Christianity doesn't talk about the body as much as it should. It talks about the evils of the flesh. It talks about this or that, but it didn't, in my case, ever talk enough about the precious reality of the embodiment of God within Christ and how our bodies are truly temples that hold the Holy.  (Christianity isn't the only world faith that teaches that about our bodies being the temple, and sadly it probably does one of the poorest jobs of doing so.)

So I lived.  During my stay within one organization it was known that the world known leader had his thoughts on people who were heavier. It was image issue. Something he believed reflected upon himself and his organization. Other churches I have known, have their staffs order out of the same catalogs for clothes as to present a look that was and is congruent with what they wanted to be perceived as being.

Why is this relevant to a conversation about trauma and body? Because even in places that need to be safe, messages of image f#%@ with people's heads. F&*%ed with my head. And it shouldn't be so. It re-traumatizes people and it is wrong.

There are enough messages out there about bodies, body types, beauty, small versus large, etc....

Yoga broke that down for me...
Want the low down on my psyche?
Oh I will tell you, you don't...
You really don't but here goes unedited for a few minutes...

Why? Because I have some need to self-reveal to the degree of humiliation?
NO...
Because I am struggling right now in life to even put any food in my body. I negate hunger. I over exercise. I go days without eating and I think that is strength. It isn't strength. It is stupidity. I need to stop. Guess what? I can't. I am not in control of food or body image or what my eyes see or what I feel.

When I first went to yoga and had to see my body in a mirror, the disgust and horror I felt daily was at times beyond me.  I would say to myself, "today I might look hideous, and that won't change tomorrow but soon.. hopefully soon it will."  The fact of the matter is that though lighter in weight now, that feeling didn't go away. Doesn't just go away.

But yesterday I laid upon my mat after a Hot Yoga class followed by a Restorative one. I was so grateful that it was one of my absolute favorite teachers, and I felt safe. I felt so safe with her presence and instruction filling out the studio.  I relaxed into my body during each class. I stretched and breathed, I laid still and allowed breath to find its natural rhythm.  I felt solid within my body. I felt relaxed. And I knew.  I knew that posts like this one and the ones to come had to be written. Unedited. Raw. Real.

It is said that one out of every three girls have known some sort of physical or sexual abuse, and one out of every five boys.  There are lot of people walking around in life devoid of the reality of what it feels like to feel safe within one's own skin.

I know I have a voice and experience to help with that, not as an expert or one who has gained solid victory. But one who is fed up with the messages and lies I tell myself about my body, about me.  Facing fear down these days has opened up the invitation to exist physically within the world.  As I do so, I need yoga. I need a safe place where I can come and move and breathe and be. Yoga puts me into my body. Yoga has been a restorative pathway through which I have entered my body, stayed put more than ever before and lived much more fully then I ever have.. Physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I still have a long ways to go, but step by step I'm moving there. Even upon the weeks where it isn't so much 5 steps forward, its more like 2 miles back. But then I know there's a modality I can touch that will ease me slowly and surely back. I can lay, sit, stand upon my mat in a safe place and feel what it feels like to be a human being within a physical reality.

I want to brag upon the studio I'm a student at, and if you don't think this would be your reality at yours, you need to change.

So one of the ways that verbal cues were given to students who were in stretching poses, such as Warrior II, was to stretch arms out as if you were being pulled apart.  For reasons I won't go into in this post, that verbal cue, literally produced hives and would cause immense ripples within my being. After talking about that reality with my therapist, I went into the studio. I approached the owner. I expressed that I knew I was only one student out of the hundreds that that studio sees, I said that I didn't expect that there would never be another utterance of those verbal cues but that for personal reasons wondered if there were other ways such cues could be given.  Let me tell you, that was pretty early on in my yoga experience.. Basically in December. You want to know something? From that day to this I have never heard those verbal cues ever again, multiple teachers, tons of students and yet upon that day to this day.. I was not only heard but my heart's desires (NEED) was listened to and acted upon.

Talk about safe places!

One component that is very large in my heart in starting Living Mangaliso and Yoga Therapy and my work as a Spiritual Director is to create safe places.. Physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I have been given that in Yoga. I have been given safe places to explore what it can be like to live an amazing life within my body.  I have been taught that one can be free with their body, that I can listen to my body, that I can express myself through my body.  I have been taught and shown and strengthened towards the reality that my body and I can be acquaintances for now and that bit by bit we will grow into a friendship. I have been taught that all of this can happen in its own time, at its own pace as it should have always been.

In posts to come I will share some exercises I have created and others that are just out there to help assist you back into a very full life and friendship with yourself and your body.

For now just begin to notice. Just begin to be real with yourself. How does it feel to be in your body? Where does your breathe land most days? What do you want?

Speak loving kindness and blessings of life into your body. Begin to own that you are a you and you are a beautiful you at that, gifted with a body. You are a precious gift. Learn to be that for yourself and you will live that more fully for yourself first and also with and for others. 

My Yoga/ Christian Journey : When There is a Void ... I Pray.. Let There Be Light

As I said, I have  never planned out a blogging sequence. That is until now.

I can feel in my gut that there is something missing.  A portion, an articulation, an essence of which, desires to find expression.  I am not so brash as to say I have the fullness of  such a thing.  I do believe I am a pilgrim upon a journey of discovery.  I do believe, that as I walk this narrow dusty path that which I behold is bringing transformation.  I do believe, that there are people, places and postures along the way that have much to teach me and are teaching me much.

I begin with this posture.
I begin in this place.

I humbly come before my God, who I believe created me in the very heart beat of His essence.
I humbly come before you, who I believe I am connected to... Holding the high priestly prayer of Christ so close to my heart. The reality of Oneness.  Oneness of all things and of all people... I read the words of one of His last earthly prayers and am so moved by His hunger for humanity to understand our Oneness with each other and with the Divine.

This... this posture is the one I begin this intentional conversation within.....
Humbly coming... laying all that I think I thought I knew down and uttering an expression .. In my knowing I did not know and now that I do not know I am beginning to know.

In the beginning of all things there is a story and as it goes, there was void and things were formless and Spirit hovered .... There was no form. There was void and there was darkness.

When chaos and void and darkness reign what do we need?
Spirit to Hover.
Spirit to be engaged.
Light

When chaos reigns in our hearts, in our bodies, in our minds what do we need?
We need to find a greater order, we need to find light and peace and yes.. Spirit!

Let there be light.............

Light brings that illumination through which we see.

Was that "let there be light," a big bang of instant spoken word from Divine Creator sparking a revolution of beauty and wonder and fullness?  Did that expression of let there be light bring forth a wonderment and awe and revelation?  An expression that says chaos can be brought to higher order, voids can be made full, and darkness can be eradicated by light.

As is true for the natural world, so is true for the human life... the human heart.

Let there be light... Let a greater order by which we can see come and fill that which was once empty and dark.  May we learn from the void, the darkness, and the emptiness and touch fullness, light and creativity.

What came after the utterance of light was a burst of creative power and expression, exploding time and time again. This expression kept expanding and expanding as the ever widening circle of reality went from good to very good and then to holy.

Creative expression in the form of the water, land, sky, earth, creature filled the space as did human. Clay was taken into hands and breath was added. Breath!!!!  Very good was declared. Clay was formed into substance. Clay was formed. A body became.  A body became and was still until the breath came.  Then there was life.

Light. Creativity and fullness. Body. Breath... In the beginning of all things, as it is written in ancient Hebrew texts. We weren't left to be floating spirits without a body. We were given the gift of body. Body is house and temple and can be home. (More on that subject..lots more on that subject to come.)

Then came holy.  What is holy?  The very first thing that the Creator ever pronounced as being holy was rest.
Sabbath and rest and trust would become the crux of the journey between God and that which He spilled His image into, us! 

So in the proverbial beginning and in this beginning I see so much  to lay a foundation upon.

Spirit ... energy, vibration, frequency, sound, light, breath
Voids being made full with creative wonder
Rest being enacted as an act of holiness.

Yoga comes from a Sanskrit word, a derivation of the word yuj, which means yoking as in a team of oxen. Another way to read and understand it is to think of union.  The practice of yoga is said to be for the union of body, mind and spirit. In the creation account that I know Christians and Hebrews look towards there is that union.  The divine yokes His essence with Creation, calling things good, very good and holy.  In all essence in the beginning there was the yoking together, the union of The Divine Presence, Creation, woman and man, light, breath, energy....

There is nothing in that list that is separate or other than what I find in the very heart beat and practice of yoga.  A space created for me to step into, to discover the void within, to strengthen and feel the strength of my body that houses me, (We are now the Temples of the Spirit.... I find that as much in New Testament reading as I do in other sacred texts.) to grow in awareness of my need for breath and movement and to bring alignment with all that I am into a space that will help focus my mind upon whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is good. I am told to think upon such things. The practice of meditation and yoga brings together a peace and a stability within so that I can grasp a hold of the peace that passes all understanding and bring that off the mat and into my life.

  I wouldn't start my yoga practice until December 2014, however in July of 2014 I was asking within the pages of my journal that I would be led into a deeper understanding of the body, mind and spirit connection.  I could feel the pull of something upon my soul, yet knew not what it was and then came the practice of yoga.  There was such an intense hunger within to touch understanding.  Why a body? What does it mean that we have a body? How can I be more fully in my body? What is my soul, my mind, me? What is my Spirit? How do the three come together?

Void met form
Breath met dry bones
Light entered my eyes and my soul igniting my spirit and brought deep life into my body 
Rest was found

The practice of yoga isn't to be made christian but a Christian can do yoga.
The practice of yoga isn't Buddhist but a Buddhist can do yoga.
The practice of yoga isn't Hindu but a Hindu can do yoga.

The practice of yoga transcends the specific expression of any one religion and can be as varied as there are people. Some use the straight forward posture driven practice to grow strength and be more present within their own bodies. Others incorporate a more meditative stance.

Step by step....  I take this journey.
Finding an articulation that is expansive and inclusive and rings true and lives in union with all that I know of the Lord's nature and character.  There is nothing I see in the beginning of all things that would deny the basis of holding a yoga practice deep into my heart and my life. There is nothing I see in the beginning of all things that says I must first call something "christian" before it can be holy or safe or "right."   I see there was a void. I see Spirit hovered and then after the passage of time spoke and came energy (What is light?), creative power and humanity full of breath......

The articulation takes flight... Finding my way

I really didn't know how to begin. So I just began to try and find the articulation
I don't feel articulate in this matter at all.
I know I have my bias.
That's not where I want to write from... 

I want to discover what to say that is well spoken, and universal enough.  I don't want to castrate yoga to make it appealing to Christians but I still (regardless of thought out there) have Christ as the corner stone of my life. Personally and this is just a personal (while acknowledging that I'm making it public) stance.. I don't think putting the word "holy" or "christian" before something makes it any more holy and any more christian.

What it does is this.......

It makes it more marketable for a population. 

But I have seen that industry destroy too many lives to go down that path.  The marketable "christian" label.. aka man or woman of the hour, that isn't really cared about just the fact that they can sell products, books, grow a church, be an amazing orator even when their personal life is falling to shit and nobody cares about the person behind the pulpit, sometimes even sadder not even the person behind the pulpit, what was once said? You can gain the whole world but what?????

I get off on a rabbit trail.

I refuse to castrate Christ and put a "christian" label on yoga just so you all will stop telling me I'm going to hell, or leading the faithful astray.

Remember in the last post when I said I was behaving myself... Uhm... This post not so much. Remember when I wrote about self-editing... This post .... not so much.

I'm a reader... yet sadly there is much lacking to even be read in this area...

BUT...

On that last point I realized that that is part of this new journey of mine.  There's isn't much to read in the Yoga/Christian conversation.  There is a  lot if you want to believe Christians don't do yoga.  There is even places where what is written is how to make yoga Christian.  I don't fit in either of those categories. I can feel in the depth of me that there is a conversation missing.  Where it ceases to be about yoga and it ceases to be about Christian and it becomes about what is life giving and true and real and abounding in the spirit if we will just let our bias and our preferences that separate us fall to the ground.   So even when I have found the  few sources that are  out there, I couldn't quote them, nor really share them without putting a disclaimer.  There were things written that for me didn't feel right.  I didn't want to go toe to toe. I didn't want to give excuses for, there is no excuse needed. There is no defense needed. 

There is lack of understanding that, as is written in Hebrew text, causes the people to perish.  I want to find an intelligible conversation that is full of spirit and truth and life and bridges the gap. I know there is one. Those before me have found the way. I am no pioneer.  Just read the likes of Thomas Merton and others like him. (I wish I knew the names from other traditions to point to as well.. the likes of Thomas Merton who could see the cross cultural and inter faith dialogue and with brilliance and incredible articulation bring to life that which I feel in my bones but can't fully find the expression yet.)

I want to share this point.... Because I think for many of us, Christians... and yes, I say us... That has been a hard path too.... Because as much as many of you would disown me from the expression of my faith tradition, this Summer I questioned in ways I rarely, if ever had.  What kept me in?  (Oh behave yourself, Mims Driscoll. Behave yourself. So much I want to say here... More in regards to what wouldn't have kept me in... but I honestly believe the conversation is more important then my personal ranting.)  I wish I had stayed with what kept me in all my faith journey BUT I didn't and that IS on me.
What kept me in was that I couldn't disown my experience.  When I was 19 and not knowing anything spiritual, but only knowing death and destruction,I went to a window and prayed and what transpired did change everything.  No person, well... no human being living at the time led me into faith.  What happened in that room is for another post but important here because of what I didn't do... I didn't stay true to those initial moments. I veered into religious expression more than spiritual truth for a long time.  I stopped listening to essence and allowed others to dictate beliefs and behaviors.

The larger picture became this, I believed the form of Christianity that the Vineyard Christian Fellowship believed for eleven years. They said this was the way to interpret scripture, live the "Christian" life, etc I was on board hook, line and sinker... ( Sunk)  I was on the fringe of some of their limits with the reality of understanding how mystical and spiritual things work, but we walked together. Pastored, helped to church plant, led ministries within... I had what they called their DNA.  When the reality of differences of philosophy became a breach, there was already another affiliation to take their place and again for another decade (some overlap.. I was a mixed breed even back then.) I stood in company line of Streams Ministries and allowed myself again to hook line and sinker buy company line after line after line.  (No tattoos.. even no yoga.. no this.. no that......and that list kept growing except when I look back the incongruities of what was and wasn't allowed startle me.What is said? Having eyes they do not see. Having ears they do not hear. Wow! What the irony.)  But I bought and drank all the kool aid without  enacting discernment on my own... That.. hear me.. that is on me. I take responsibility for not enacting my own self. I didn't show up. A version of me did... a politically correct for the situation, wanting to fit in, needing to fit in, wanting to belong version of me showed up. But I made those choices. I saw all the crap at times and stayed anyway. The things we didn't do as good christians but the things we would allow.  The jealousy and envy that I watched crush a whole organization but dammed are you if you get a tattoo. Really? And even if we weren't buying the totality of the shit, we bought enough that we stayed.  We viewed the organism as a means to self progress into spiritual understanding or personal benefit. Do I exaggerate? Not as much as you want to think I am....  We want to see white wash because it brings comfort to think its all white and there's an all black. There is an all good and there is an all bad.  BUT nothing is ever black and white. NOTHING.

But again I digress... This is the continuing of the beginning of me finding what I want to express for the Yoga/Christian conversation

It is about yoga but It ceases to be about yoga
It is about christian but It ceases to be about christian

I am finding my way. For the first time planning out a series of blogs! I want an articulate, intelligent, spiritual, beautiful expression for this conversation. I know it exists. Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. I can listen to Snatum Kaur and Misty Edwards and worship my heart out to both. Same spirit. SAME SPIRIT!!!!! 
There is an expression where it ceases to be about what would divide us, that which is of the proverbial Paul and Apollos doesn't matter.  

When I was a child in my faith I thought and acted as a child, but it is time to put childish things aside and grow up into a maturity and sight that sees. When I think of the me back when I was wearing label after label of Christendom, I think... Wow, if that self could see this self... that's how I get it when certain segments of the population want to remind me of such things... you see I'm not a stranger to such ways.  The list of taking up "company line" went  on and on until it stopped...

What happened? What's happening?

Yoga taught me that when I step on the mat, it's MY practice.  It is my expression. On the mat yoga taught me to listen to myself, to listen to my body and to hear my heart and take care of my breath. Yoga taught me that I didn't need a label or another person's vision or belief. I learned that what I could do in the moment was what I could do even if yesterday I did more.  I learned in the practice of yoga, in the scientifically proven basis for bringing breath and body together to calm the mind and that I was an I. To listen to that more and to follow the breath, the spirit, (Not new age here.. think creation people.. garden. Breath brings life. That hasn't ever changed!) and to follow that was what would lead me into all life.

  The lessons I learned on the yoga mat propelled me to a life I would have never dreamed of and the Spirit of the living God was always there, because the Spirit is everywhere...

In the beginning I was a tad disconcerted that I was being engaged by God more at the yoga studio then in church. I would come to my mat before a class and as presence would engulf me I began to cry. OFTEN.  Why? Why here?  I had been going to church for months and months and not feeling anything liken to that and while not confused I was sad.  I was.....

I will tell you what I know to be true of Spirit's response to me in those moments.  He is the I am. He will meet us where He meets us and He is in all places.  Where the Spirit leads He will ask us to follow but we don't have to... It is an invitation.  We will always have choice.  I didn't enact my choice time after time in other places and in other times.....  But I do now.. I will choose to follow the Spirit even when I am led away from all that was familiar into the unknown.... 

learning to live as label free as it gets.....  and that will be part of my next post.....  stay tuned... I am finding the articulation for this step by step.. There is a path where Spirit and truth kiss and life erupts in the most beautiful fashion.. 

There is a convergence .. It is just bigger than ever thought....

 

Know thy enemy: Fear... the multifacted one............Week 4 Comes along to another victory of sorts...

This week the reality of fear took a very interesting twist.

What I find enlightening is when one steps into a journey like this, it ends up taking upon itself a life of its own.  There are things I am already learning about myself, fear and fearlessness that I really never touched before.  Step by step, I am living my day. I am taking new chances. But this week I learned something about fear and myself that has catapulted me ahead.  What was that last week 5 steps forward a proverbial million back.. well, this week definitely made up ground.

So what? What is it?

Human know thy self and to thy own self be true! What?

This week I sat with my journal and for the first time wrote the honest truth of where I would like to be a year from now.  I didn't self edit. (So much more on that in a minute.) I just let myself go.  I let myself go and express.  What do I want? Who do I want to be? What do I want to accomplish? In three months? In six? In nine? Upon this day next year where is that I want to be standing?

Sadly, I learned extreme propriety at an early age. Appropriate manners and appropriate behavior in most circumstances or one was being told where the faux pas happened.  In so many ways I edit my life before I get a chance to live. I have let fear of ridicule, embarrassment, and failure hinder me and my dreams.  I edit myself. I keep my mouth and heart closed. I watch life instead of participate.

I once had to find my voice because it was a matter of life and death.  My life and death...  I once had to find my voice because of things I was seeing were just wrong.  Both occasions were accompanied  by much loss. Again I face in the present a time and season where to find my voice and make choices to speak and act are upon me, again they are being accompanied by great loss.  But still...... This journey, now four weeks in, is changing my life. And it really has only just begun!

Fear is a worthy adversary.  One with so very many different facets.  This week its whispers went something like this:

Who do you think you are to want that..
There are so many people more talented or better than you
Better not let anyone know
Failure is immanent and a given

Statement after statement attempted to land and still I wrote in my journal.

In 3 months, in 6, in 9, in a year.....

When I think back to 3 months ago I was facing down an evening where I was staring at the cost, the child care needs, etc of a three week retreat and thinking; "no way. It won't happen."  Three months later...  Not only did the retreat happen but I stand having finished every post training mentoring requirement. That is three months for you!!! I didn't even know a year ago I was going to be doing yoga, let alone teaching it and meeting people one on one for therapeutic sessions.

With these new victories of what time can hold within its passageways, I stood against the whispers of fear this week and said... I want to write! I want to write and speak and share and find my voice and most importantly empower others to find theirs ... I want to find my way through the Christian/Yoga conversation in a way that is intelligent and articulate and spiritual, I want to find my way through this journey of Spiritual awakening that I am on and not ever go back to any type of dogmatic religious fundamentalism while holding space for all who want to walk their journeys and letting all be where they are and love, serve and enjoy each other....

I want to face each day and get up on my feet and breathe and believe that upon those moments, upon that day, I have what I need to walk out the dreams and desires upon my heart, to meet each obstacle, each fear and to stay the course while also being aware that courses altar themselves and one needs to be flexible.

I want to face times of upheaval and challenges and change with a courage not a bravado. I want to face these times with humility all the while being aware that true humility isn't self-deprecation.  I want to be able to hold my weaknesses and limitations side by side with my strengths and giftings and be OK with each grouping.  I want to be able to hold the detractions that come alongside the accolades that come and remain neutral, grateful for the lessons of each.  I am glad my life is speaking and encouraging those while also realizing it isn't pleasing to many and yet let neither the proverbial stars or mud touch my life, change me or really  matter....

I want to dream without fear and keep dreaming in the light of failure....

Week four has birthed a determination and smile that has coursed through my life at moments bringing new waves of resolve.  I have watched myself for a very long time, self edit.  I edit myself before the truest expression of me can be heard or seen. I have morphed myself into a place to be more pleasing, more appropriate, more aligned to another's vision. I self edit before I would even let myself be aware of what I would want to say... Why?  I was afraid of the cost! I was afraid of what I knew  the losses would be... But here's the interesting thing.  I wish I had been more afraid. But not in the same way.  What did I lose of myself in the process? What dreams went shelved? What words went silent? What tasks went postponed? Self - editing isn't living!  Taking moments to say F&#$ it! I am going to try. Screw that I am going to share from my heart regardless of what happens the second after.  I am more willing to lose X, Y, or Z then I am to lose myself into oblivion.  I must find the way to let go and release the truest expression of who I am and let that soar!  Self edit no more!

Grateful for the whispers and words  from heaven and earth that keep me going....  And that is where I will end.... This journey is teaching me it is OK to be afraid.  It really is ok to admit that I am afraid. I am afraid I will fail. I am afraid I am going to care about something and it won't come to pass, it won't be successful.  But then... what if it does? What if the one next step brings the dream to pass? I won't know if I don't try....

What's worth failing at in your life ?  I would rather try and fail at writing and serving others through the modalities of yoga, spiritual direction, and the  personal articulation through speaking, writing, or leading retreats then not try!  What is worth trying even if you fail? Find that... let yourself admit that and take one step.....

How we should have been taught... Continuing the Conversation and further plans to do so

Ascribe to me not an intentionality that knows that which I am doing.

It is  more liken unto Abraham setting out for a land he knew not, but knowing he had to take the journey.

I am not a systematic writer.
I have not planned out blogs.
I have not learned the way of the 21st blogger successful strategies.
I have tried to become more consistent in my writing but other than that I come to keyboard with or without the inspiration. I place my fingers on the keys. I close my eyes. I open my heart. I hope. 

However there is a push to become more systematic in this arena.  There is a hunger pulsating upon the winds of change.  You.. me, we are walking with it. Maybe being blown forward bit by bit is more like it.  I've finished and am editing and re-editing a book.  The title so far is "The Girl Next Door."  The subtitle is what has got me stumpedt.  Those things get changed over and over again anyway.

The premise of the book is finding your voice and your courage.  It takes me from a childhood riddled with abuse into a young adulthood and an adulthood found walking in ministry.  All that I saw in all those phases and never said a word. All I saw and didn't say, "no," or "you can't treat people like that," or any million phrases that could be said.  I bought into many lies and some for my own temporary benefit. However I've seen the allure of temporary benefit only to feel its immense sting in the ass. The story, my story will be about vibration, the song of life and finding ones own voice.

It is said that when one goes to write, the "why" should be known.  In knowing the "why" of writing there is clarity of purpose and communication.  It is getting clearer and clearer to me, the "why" of my writing. So much so that yesterday as I  was meditating; I  paused and grew in quiet and  I knew it was upon me to overcome natural tendency of my regular flow of writing.  It was upon me to become more systematic in my approach.

I have this friend.  She'll read this and  smile.  A most unlikely friendship we will say. We do say. There are moments we couldn't be more far apart on the way we view things, but the most precious elements of life keep us connected.  What I have realized about this friend is that in her wisdom she will (in kindness not judgement) help me see how others perceive my journey.  We had this really great conversation the other day.  She bore her heart.  She acknowledges it is for me to journey.  She wants me to learn how to bring back the realities of it in a way that empowers more understanding not less. She communicated in a beautiful fashion that I am able bring an articulation to  this path that can be helpful.  She was right. I need to care. I have taken steps. I knew not the way. I knew only the hunger.  It has taken everything for me to journey this way and if in going back I can set out a few bread crumbs to make it easier for the next hungry soul, then that is what I can do.

I can learn a more systematic approach. On the forefront, however, I will say time and time again, this wasn't a planned out journey. It was a bumbling, haphazard, "I sure hope this right, and please stop me if it isn't," kind of journey.  I leaned on the promise of the good shepherd, that he comes after the ones that need Him to bring correction to path.  That is why any of you, who have thought I have diverted, haven't carried the weight of your words. You see I have looked to the Heavens and there is no "shepherd" coming (having left the proverbial 99) to come get me, telling me I have been led astray.  If anything there has been a shove in the fanny that I'm not moving fast enough.

The more I find my articulation. I can feel the courage growing.  It isn't without fear. At times the fear is immense.  I'm working it out.  The beauty and wonder and awe of it is, however found in  the realization of the immense hunger that is in you too.  We are hungry.  Our eyes have seen, our ears are hearing and our hearts are yearning.  We know there is more than the spoon filled, entitlement based religion that we bought into.  We have to admit it served us. It served us or we wouldn't have stayed.  Maybe we were needing to belong so that we "put up" with the behaviors that ran prevalent. Maybe we didn't trust that without the "label," of this or that ministry, church or organization we wouldn't be much on our own.  Maybe it was just enough to be a part of something larger then ourselves that we were willing to undermine our own spiritual growth to listen to the said "expert," though in the depths of our hearts we knew something was off or we knew that we had known ourselves what was being taught.. we just weren't confident to really believe it.  We were fed company line that this DNA or that way of doing things put us ahead.

Did we ever stop to think, ahead of what?

Each other?

The Body of Christ, the fellowship of all believers?

In our spiritual arrogance and pride we dished out milk and left the meat alone or ate it secretly in our closets.  We've gone starving waiting for someone else to teach us, when we negated that in the Holy Spirit we have the greatest counselor and teacher within ourselves.

Maybe it isn't all like what I've written. You see, I refuse to throw the Bride of Christ aka the Church (big C) under the bus.  There are huge political and social issues that we get wrong. There are places where we fuck up more and are so inbred, that  our socially minded counterparts of society show us up daily for being more humanitarian and loving.  There are places, more than naught, that we only confirm Ghandi's words. When asked by E. Stanley Jones how Christianity could come to India, Mr. Ghandi replied; "I would suggest first of all that all of you Christians, missionaries and all begin to live more like Jesus Christ."

I lived a veneer. I want depth.  I have drank milk for far to long, I have heeded the songs of the ancient past that yearn for me to turn towards solid food, to grow and mature.  I am no longer an infant. I am not longer a child. The version of Christian scripture, called The Message, writes it this way; "When I was an infant at my mother’s breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good."

We have watched a whole generation of leaders, let us stay in infancy, as they lived privileged and entitled lives. In our immaturity and fear we have seen behavior and known the man or woman behind the pulpit, seen the behavior in the staff meeting or private lives, bought all the identical clothes as to "be the brand" of a specific church staff team, and so many other horrors.  Have we empowered each other to live lives more congruent with Christ, as He really is, not as the American church would make Him?   Have we risked our own lives and our ministry identities, positions, etc for something more? Are we playing it safe? Are we touting company line because we know it will move us up the chain of command within our specific sect?

There isn't anything I write about that I haven't participated in or seen.  Covering up indiscretion because money needs to be made and books need to be sold and a church needs to be a platform for such things!!!
I'm sorry I never did think that was the heart of Christ for His church, matter of fact I think He once upon toppled tables as He shared His heart about His Father's temple.

We can scream about the proverbial pole of yoga in the eyes of others, but as Christians we need to take a look inward first.  It's time to clean house.  We have created a whole industry that benefits off the backs of widows and orphans. Instead of serving them we have been served by them. Asking them to pledge the little money or time they have so that some immense ministry can build another building.  It is not looking good.  We have grown irrelevant, and there really is nothing irrelevant about who Christ was as a man and as the expression of divinity walking upon the face of the Earth.

I do digress.

I'm going to get systematic about the discussion of Christianity and Yoga.  I find my past within the circles of Christianity that I walked an interesting foundation in which to enter such a conversation.  I was found by Christ through a visitation. I absolutely adore the reality of the Spirit.  I have taught empaths, seers, and revelatory people for decades on how to use their senses to go beyond the physical world and see and feel and know the unseen seeable realm.  This journey isn't new. It is a continuation.  I have taught Christians how to leave religious language aside and find an expression that touches heart beat and truest reality of Spiritual things and places. It isn't really a new walk. It is the way of my life.  I want to make it clear I am not defending yoga.  Yoga needs no defense.

I am willing to help with an articulate and intelligent, spiritual  conversation that has life and depth within it.  There is more that we all have in common then that which separates us, and it is fear and pride that fill any gulf of separation.  I want love.  A strong not patsy love.  A more perfected love that has a light so bright that all darkness and shadow are burned away.  The spirit of religious fundamentalism comes to kill, rob and destroy. It does not bring life.  It cares not what form it comes in either.  Religious fundamentalism steals the very freedom of choice that the Creator imbued humanity with,  it says my way or you are the infidel and are to be feared, taught against, and killed. That is not the heart beat of the Ultimate Divine reality that is found in the Spirit of all things.

There is so much yet to say. This journey will take us a while.  There is no place for accusation here, this is a place for dialogue and conversation.  Step by step we will learn together discernment, growing up in love we will find a pathway to walk upon. There is a place where in maturity we can see and hear and know.. no longer clanging gongs being noise to a world that doesn't want to hear anything we have to say, there will be a city of light upon a hill where life is lived in exemplary love.. there will be a resounding sound full of life and beauty, wonder and love, joy and peace and it will be well................


Is this a Christian worshipping? A yogi doing Sun Salutation? A man? A woman? Can you look at this picture and see beauty and wonder and awe as a human being takes a stance of praise? Can you see similarity and not fear?  This isn't about getting it right or wrong... this is about love!

Once again I visit the Christian/yoga conversation.

I'm a stream of consciousness writer. I get that about myself.  At times within my life I have had great editors. I need great editors.  The reality of stream of consciousness is that I have to be willing to sink into my gut and close my eyes and write.  If I feel inhibited in anyway, the words won't flow.  And right now in life, I want the words to flow.  I want them to flow in a way that brings life and not confusion.  I want peace and not contention. I hunger for understanding and growth as a person and for people I love. However I don't want to settle.  I have tasted and seen the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living and it is amazing!

So I close my eyes and I breathe in deeply and with my writing begin to slowly exhale.

I'm going to make an audacious statement. I make it not to piss you off, but I make it because it is true.  I stand at a place in my life where  I've never known and loved Christ the way I do in these days. I have seen where in my life I was the proverbial pharisee.  I have seen where I stood so precariously on an edge of thinking I was doing all the right things however not knowing nor being known as a person before God.

In these days I have learned to stand and feel strong.  What is that? Having done all stand.  Mountain pose.
In these days I have learned to be like a child and allow myself grace.  What is that? Become like a child. Child's pose.
In these days I have learned to (ok. tried to learn .. this one is hard for me) ground down and grow roots. What is that ? Being rooted in good soil.  Tree pose.
In these days I have learned to see things from a different perspective. What is that? It's a upside down reality of a kingdom where the poor are rich, the weak are strong, etc... Head stand.  Be willing to see from a different perspective.


What has been the path? Well... for me and my life I have found the foundation of spirituality to be in Christ. But as He is not as anyone would attempt to make Him.  There is so much more of God to know.  Having eyes to see I really want to see, having ears that can hear I really want to hear, having been given a heart that can comprehend I want to receive understanding even when it comes in a package different than I ever anticipated.  I think that is how the founder of my faith entered Creation as a human baby, turning the religious world of His time on its head.  I don't think the struggle to understand, receive, and grow as Spirit is leading is a new one. I don't think that opposition to the reality of that leading is a new one either.  I also don't stand having many answers.  I don't. I am on a journey, and the stopping points upon the way are unknown. I have more questions than ever before, and am learning that to live in the place of unknowing can be unsettling at best but it is a great place to stand for personal and spiritual growth.

What I do is  I live with the intention to keep two prayers ever before me... Lord, my God who are you and who am I? (St. Francis of Assisi) and Spirit of the Living God, as it was said of you, to be your task.. please, lead me into all truth.  Those two prayers are my compass, my road map, my orientation....When having begun to pray them over the last couple of years, I would have never (in my wildest imagination) been able to picture the life and love and liberty I touch now.

So yoga? Yes! Yoga.... I stand firm.  Listen, Peter had a vision as he laid upon a roof top and in a moment there was no longer clean and unclean food.  The people of that age struggled over what it meant for a whole other people group to be coming into Spiritual awakening without being circumcised first.  People were coming to life and being made full in Spirit and the religious of the day stood gasping. I can imagine screaming, "wait.. wait." The ways once known were being disrupted.  Spirit was being poured out upon all flesh.

So I go to a yoga studio.  I partake in all aspects. I have never felt more alive or more free within my faith or strong as a person who loves God.  The constraints of a religious life have fallen off of me and I have found and am finding the freedom of Spirit. Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom.  I have found an interior life, that is more resounding with the Christ I said I served for decades, but didn't fully touch. I have left (as much as I can and am trying to do so more) exterior facades of faith for an interior reality that is more faithful to the ways of God.

I have written and please, God, hope to write even more for any spiritual community that can hear and feel Spirit in the words that I hunger to put to paper, (web). I will walk into proverbial samaria and every place it would be said that, "we don't go," because the founder of my faith did just that.  I love people more than I ever have and I meet more of them now that I ever did, I sit with people now without agenda and begin to know them and let them begin to know me...

I am not out to convince anyone that they have to do yoga.  I do believe that as a population we need to understand how to breathe in a way that actually brings life to our bodies. I do believe that bringing movement and breath and practice together helps calm the mind, take every thought captive, and bring forth a mind that is more at peace.  I do believe discernment and not fear is the way of love and life and liberty.

I will end (for now) with a story...

It was a poignant moment for me. Maybe because so many of you have told me I'm going to hell. Oh please.. tongue in cheek there. Although many of you have. I'm smiling and understanding the journey as best as any of us can.

I want you to picture the scene with me; huge meeting tent, torrential down pour of rain, lightening and thunder and speakers that were still plugged into a live source of electricity. I stood with two others as we were attempting to wait out the storm.  The conversation drifted into a place that would open my eyes to reality of spirituality in many traditions.  A portion of the conversation was upon Sanskrit and the pronunciation.

My experience into yoga has been beautiful.  The places I partake in yoga practice are open and flowing. I hadn't nor have I ever encountered a rigidity of thought or practice.  It doesn't mean it isn't out there.  It just has not been my experience. So within the conversation, there was a statement made that there are some within yoga community who the exact pronunciation of words means so much to that to mispronounce a word would send said person, who mispronounced, to hell.  The moment was a "taking in information," moment for me. When one prays to the divine do the words matter? The words matter? Maybe to some but what is what? I did also think for a moment upon how the religious of all traditions sound a like. This way (my way of this way) or hell. Gosh, what options. (We have that in Christendom. For as many YouTube videos anyone can find about yoga and Christianity and what that's all about, there are plenty of videos within the "tribe" Baptists saying Charismatics are going to Hell, Charismatics and Pentecostals saying that  unless one speaks in tongues they are going to hell. I mean.. misstep and its fire and flames for us all I guess.) Ok I soooo got off topic.  But instead of focusing on hell and who is and isn't going there, I want to pour my heart out and love, I want to set my gaze rightly and love and see people for the light that each one is....

Finishing up....  In the midst of the conversation, the most beautiful words would be spoken. It was a remembrance of what was taught to them. Would a mother chastise a toddler for mispronouncing a word? Love triumphs over all.
Isn't that the basis of all true spirituality? Love one another! For the world is so loved!

These aren't my most articulate pieces. They just aren't.  I'm sorting through myself. I'm wanting to walk with love and wisdom. I don't want to be angry or afraid. At the same time resisting the urge to be trite and petty. I'm human. Part of this conversation pisses me off. And I could easily go off on a tirade. I know myself. Except that isn't what my heart really wants.  I understand there is new ground and that this person says this and that person says that and what are you to believe?  I'd say trust and know that asking for bread you will not be given a stone.  If you seek true understanding it will come. Search out and seek for yourself, be open ... I choose to believe that all of us want to have eyes that really see, ears that really hear and hearts that really can ever so slightly comprehend the ways of The Spirit as much as humanity can.

Maybe we can lose the "hell" talk for a while and just talk......... That would be my greatest heart's desire...

Know for yourself.... Or as Jesus said... "You've heard it be said..."

Those have been the words that have circulated within my heart all week.  I look forward (not really) to writing about the third week of a year without fear.  It will go down as the week that fear began to say, "oh really."  But that is not this post.

"You've heard it be said," those are the words that are recorded as coming from the mouth of Christ.  He took the letter of the law.  For He had spoken it was not to abolish but to be fulfilled.  So He took what they knew and started there... So amazing.  He did that for the lawmakers, the prostitutes, those that would think themselves righteous and those who never dare such a thing.  He met everyone where they were at... Leper colony, women, Samaria... He would go to them.. Not expecting them to come to Him. Though they did.

"You've heard it be said," He would say.  He would then talk about an action.  Murder, adultery, false witness, vengence and the question of who should be loved.  He spoke, "you've heard it be said," meeting each listener in the moment, and then He took it further and further.

It was not to be about action. It was to be about the heart.  It wasn't any longer going to be what you put into the body.  It was what was now going to come out of the heart.  No longer could an external set of behavior "save" a soul.  Now one must see one's own heart and deal with what is seen there by the Divine, who is never blinded nor fooled.

So I got an email talking about a "late, great" somebody. I was being told, that which I already knew. But the person was saying, haven't you heard it be said.  I know many things about a "late, great" human being.  I understand that person's thoughts on many matters.  I have seen first hand some of the wreckage too. Such as that "late, great" somebody's opinion on yoga, on tattoos, on many subjects. I will momentarily refer to a West Wing Episode where Jeb Bartlett addresses such a thing.   I was being told, "you've heard it be said,"  but that was all that they had.. the letter of the law.  Which isn't actually a letter of the law but a person's personal opinion and preference.  What I say back is this... "You've heard it be said."  I will continue however and not just stay there....  You see I don't want you taking the "late, great" one's opinion.. I don't want you taking mine.  I want you to think for yourself.  Understand that spirituality is more about the flow of the heart then anything else.

It isn't what my body does or doesn't do, it isn't what I eat or don't eat, it isn't how I worship or if I worship, it isn't if I do yoga or if I don't.. Yoga isn't ever holy.  I am.  Yoga is a modality that brings together the body, the mind and the spirit in such a way that I find peace and union with self and the Divine.  I am not confused at what that Divine is... and neither is that Divinity confused about what the nature and character of its Divine self is......

When Jesus goes into Samaria.. a place that the Jews of that age would not go.  This is what He eventually says to a woman He meets at a well.  "But an hour is coming, and now is, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth; for such people the Father seeks to be His worshipers."

You've heard it be said!  There and then again in the book of Acts reiterating what the prophetic voice of a Hebrew man named Joel once spoke... Upon all flesh will the Spirit of the Lord be poured out...

I implore you... It matters not to me that which you say about me, my practice, my life and embracing of yoga... It should matter to you.. There was in the times right after the Christ would ascend the question of food. Peter had a vision. Paul would teach.  Meat having been scarified to idols was now no longer the problem. It would be what a person's heart would lead them towards. What a person's conscience could bare up under.  Weaker, was the world used to describe the one who couldn't see that it was just meat.  But the onus was upon the stronger to watch over and not use one's own liberty for gloating or anything like that.

You've heard it be said.. that there is an hour where true worshipers will worship in spirit and in truth. I'm telling you I'm seeing it .. I'm seeing it at a yoga festival with dance and beauty and mantra, and I'm seeing it in the yoga studio with practice and patience and rest.  Worship looks different.. to some it is a hymnal, to others its a rock band, to others still it is silence, and for others it incorporates the body. Some won't think one way is for them. That is ok.  But let's not be as the religious of old and insult and condemn.  Let's find the place of worship where it is in freedom we follow the Spirit of the Lord into love, laughter and life...

Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom not fear....  It did start with "You've heard it be said..." but it didn't stay there... Let's not either!

Choices...................

Her smile lights up any room I have ever seen her occupy, and commanding a space is what this woman does amazingly well.  This Summer I got to spend a couple weeks with her as we worked towards our 200 hour yoga teacher training certificate.  But it is her story that won't let go of my heart.

I live in a small town.  But still on any given day there are numerous places I can go and do yoga.  The studio I go to is amazing and open to many types of yoga.  I have learned of a variety of forms, through excellent teachers who articulate breath cues, body postures and encouraging words within the framework of each way. Then there are other yoga communities or studios that I could go and check out, and am actually encouraged to do so by my teachers.

I took it for granted.  It didn't feel like a choice. It didn't feel like a luxury.

Then my friend's story, she lives in South Africa.  The yoga program I participated in has a large heart to bring yoga to the people there, all the people there.  It is still a very class/race issue.  There aren't necessarily the choices and opportunities I have.

Not only did her story impact my heart, but I would find other stories as well.

 I heard about how yoga was being brought to individuals with ADD,ADHD, and Autism and their families/support system.  I heard about how yoga was  being brought to incarcerated youth. I found my heart was being awoken to yoga for people who wouldn't necessarily find their way into a yoga studio.  Yoga would have to come to them.

To the homeless
To the veteran
To the elderly
To the sick

 I stay up at night, reading story after story.  It wasn't about any one person being anything in particular. It was about all becoming..  It wasn't about the program. It was about people.

Give a person a mat
Empower some one towards a mind that is more at rest.. more at peace
Teach them that their body is their own and that it can move and breathe and awaken and grow in strength

Relate to each human being as an individual in their own right
Experience the wonder of sharing space and energy
Accept that which a body and mind can do and allow for the wonder of how different we all are
Live.... live each day and each moment for that which it is, with whatever the circumstance.. Life is a gift..

Today... I am grateful
Grateful for choice
Grateful for my mat
Grateful for space

Grateful for a modality that has empowered me to know...
My body and mind and spirit are mine first....
I can breathe.. It might be harder then I ever anticipated but I can really fill myself with breath
I can find stillness and peace and joy and strength and weakness and all at the same time
I can modify when I need to without shame or doubt or fear
I can use supports (bolsters, blocks, straps, blankets... friends, teachers, therapists, family) to help me
I have choice

So for those who don't have the choices I have in life.. whether through life circumstances or whatever events have come their way, I want to open up a door of choice to them. It is hard to feel cornered and not know where and how choice is going to come. It is frightening to want something and not know the path to walk upon.  It is hard to face the world when the way your body or mind is wired is different then whatever agreed upon existing "norm."        

Yoga on and off the mat has taught me more than I could articulate.  It has definitely set me up for choices. For that I am very grateful.

When you don't feel you have any choices left....  breathe, find child's pose (a heart like a child), and breathe some more...  Find where to place your foot and breathe again.

I am not confused....

I want to introduce to the music I have been sitting with... Leaning into...  As the lyrics and music fill the air around me I am found happy.

I want to talk ....I will give you the link... I will give you the words...

So much of my journey has brought me into a place of understanding the stories of wheat and tares, of being careful of what one calls good and what one calls evil, of how the Spirit of the Lord exists in freedom and love far away from fear and restriction.  I would have you  notice the name of this blog.  The place is Samaria.  It is a place in Christian scripture where the religious faithful were told not to go, except we find Christ there.  We see Christ letting lepers touch Him, letting a woman with the issue of blood touch Him, letting children come unto Him.  The first of those two encounters would have made the Christ ceremonially unclean.  The religious of the day struggled.  How can this be? Isn't this of the devil? This is foreign?  They were afraid. They were threatened.  They enjoyed post and title and lifestyle.  They enjoyed the feeling of being the exclusive "holy people," except Christ ruined that by showing up on the scene calling tax collector, fisherman, plain folk to Himself.  Redefining "holy people," forever.

I just ask you before you think round peg round hole in regards to Yoga, and quickly negate the reality of the wealth that it brings to our bodies, our minds, our very beings, I would ask you to pause.

So here is one of my favorite new songs. I worship to it as if it was Misty Edwards or a song out of Bethel. Yes, I DO!  I am made full of Spirit and life and love as the words and music fill the space around me....

Here is the song:  Aad Guray Nameh   Sung by Snatam Kaur

Here are the words: Aad Guray Nameh, Jugaad Guray Nameh, Sat Guray Nameh, Siri Guroo Dayvay Nameh

Here is the interpretation of  the Lyrics....

I bow to the primal Guru
I bow to the truth that has existed throughout the ages
I bow to True Wisdom

I bow to the Great Divine Wisdom

Here's why I am not confused....

I do bow to the primal guru!

I do bow to the truth that has existed throughout the ages

I do bow to True Wisdom

I do bow to the Great Divine Wisdom...

I know who my teacher is (aka meaning of guru)  

I know the truth that has existed throughout the ages

I know True Wisdom

I know the Great Divine Wisdom

I am not confused as to what and who that is....... I am not afraid. I am full. I am touching joy and beauty and life and light.  I am not confused... I stand upon my mat and I know to whom I am grounded into .. I know to who I abide in... I am confident of this that having begun a good work in me there is a capacity of the Godhead to bring it to completion and that NOTHING separates me from the LOVE found in that place.

Our God is expansive. Our Spirit is so free. Our lives are so blessed.

For what will a man give in exchange for his soul

I was in the ministry/church world for a very long time. Actually for more years of my life than I wasn't.  In some ways I will always be "in." While unexpected shifts and twists and turns have entered my life precipitating immense change, one thing has only grown stronger.  My passion for The Church.  My deep affection for what Christians call "The Body." What biblically, historically and affectionately within my own heart is The Bride. 

There have been seasons in my journey where cynical waves won out in the depths of my heart. These are not those times.  There have been seasons in my life where I would have said, "I love Jesus, but not the church." That statement doesn't make one spiritual, it shows up one's ignorance. For Jesus is beyond passionate for the Church; to love Him is to love what He loves or it is not to love Him or yet expose the shallow, immature, selfish  nature of said love.  I walked there.  I don't want to ever again.

In this season of space, silence, stillness and much more; I have grown in perspective.  In the pop culture song from Frozen, there are two lines of lyrics that have propelled me forward in this season and  while the reality of those lyrics playing in my head (thanks to an immense 6 year old) can be a bit much at times, their message rings true.

It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all

Perspective has been granted.

Some space granted perspective.

Space allowed observation from a distance.

Tonight as I sat with certain images and thoughts, the realizations that have been saturating my being went deeper.

I've seen too many "games" played in the context of corporate churchianity. I've seen too many squander or sell out their gifts, or use them for profit. I watched too many people be affected by shallow, what would be called "prophetic utterances," and had to pick up the pieces. In my own immaturity gave some of those words.   There is a time to be a child and a time to grow up.  These are the days of maturity calling out to stop "play acting," and know and be known.  

The images that played in my  head today is the all too common one found in the context of some of the spheres I have most walked within; which would be on the more nondenominational side of life on the spectrum of Christian expression.  As I thought about the ambition that guises itself  in pious religious language, as I thought about the exhaustive pursuit of "happenings," as I saw pictures of the soulish needs screaming out to "be someone," ie a "gifted one;" I grieved. I grieved. As I grieved, the verse from Mark 8, filled out my being and I grieved all the more.

For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel's will save it. "For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world, and forfeit his soul? "For what will a man give in exchange for his soul

I've seen too many trying to gain too much, calling it Kingdom work and yet it is no different than the great tower of Babel. That then sadly a work that was supposedly done for god ceases to be because God actually shows up and exposes the vanity of the builders.  I have seen too many Cains killing their brothers. I have seen too many selling out real actual birth rights for a momentary bliss. I have seen too many striving after an experience. I have seen too many exhausting self, family, congregation for the pursuit of trying to achieve something in the Kingdom that isn't that which the Father is doing. I have seen ambition and jealousy and envy. In the words of a fabulous friend who knows that which he speaks of, "Ministry is a harlot, it  comes to rob, steal and destroy."

These words aren't coming from a place of bitterness. I am not saying that those places didn't exist once upon a time. These words aren't coming from a place of anger or hurt. Again, will concede that that has been part of this journey. Emerging from those places and getting "some distance," has made everything look so small. "And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all."  I watch beautiful sons and daughters of God think themselves less than because they can't do, fill in the blank, like so and so can.  I watch them strive to "become" someone. I watch them as they touch success and I cringe.  Because the question really is "For what will a man give in exchange for his soul?"  For some I have watched it be no more than Esau's proverbial bowl of soup.

That's sad. 

That is worth grieving over.

In another favorite Disney movie of mine, the ghost father of Simba comes in upon a cloud speaking; this is the interchange between son and father.

Adult Simba: [looks into a pool of water] That's not my father. That's just my reflection.
Rafiki: No, look harder.
[touches the water, as it ripples Simba's reflection changes to that of his father]
Rafiki: You see? He lives in you.
Mufasa's ghost: [from above] Simba.
Adult Simba: Father?
Mufasa's ghost: [apears among the stars] Simba, you have forgotten me.
Adult Simba: No. How could I?
Mufasa's ghost: You have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me. Look inside yourself, Simba. You are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the Circle of Life.

A time to remember who we truly are and take our places sitting at the table of the Father. Not because of any outward experience or explosive moment of "gifting" or genuine movement of Spirit; but because we are that we are that we are who we are, and that is not to be sold cheaply. That it is time after time is grievous.  One is not more honored because a prophetic utterance fell out of their mouth and happened to be right, one is not more preferred from Heaven because they can write a moving worship song, pray an effective prayer, or stand in a gift.  One is not more... one is not less.

In the words of a man who raised my husband and I up in ministry, We are no more and no less than that which we are.  And what we are is an image bearer of divinity. The dignity of humanity was given and restored by the One who loves us ever so deeply. May we not sell that out nor our very souls for a cheap bowl of soup.

Christ gave up His life in exchange for souls.  I see too many souls being exchanged for a cheapened and false rendition.

Sometimes there is no title................. Maybe that's the most important lesson to learn after all

"I wouldn't diminish those who have actually had the experience by saying that I'm emerging from a cult, but what I would say is that in some aspects of my life it feels like it."

"Would your husband say the same thing?"

"Uhm... good question," I said back to my therapist. "No, I don't think he would use the word, cult, but we have talked a great deal about ghettos, in relationship to where we have been in organizations. And how we don't want to live that life any longer. "


This was part of a conversation I was having with my counselor as I was trying to process where I've been, where to go and where I am.

It is said of me I write raw.  I've been holding off on this piece well, because... I was hoping to have more understanding but this morning, I realized this is not a place to walk alone. The finishing sentence or neatly tied up concluding paragraph won't come, that the process is just that a process, a journey, a moment by moment discovery.  I haven't been walking this journey without help, I have welcomed in and sought after insight and wisdom from those that are upon my path and I have spent hours in silence and solitude.  Daily I pray for the Holy Spirit to do that which He was sent forth to do and lead me into truth.

But there are moments where I don't know what to think and I don't know what to do and I don't know the paradigm to sync my heart, my feelings, my thoughts to.... and I come back time after time after time to the prayer attributed to St. Francis... "God, who are you?  God, who am I?" 

 And I linger over Merton's prayer:

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. 

I do not see the road ahead of me. 

I cannot know for certain where it will end. 

Nor do I really know myself, 

and the fact that I think I am following your will 

does not mean that I am actually doing so. 

But I believe that the desire to please you 

does, in fact, please you. 

And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. 

I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. 

And I know that if I do this 

you will lead me by the right road, 

though I may know nothing about it. 

Therefore, I will trust you always though 

I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. 

I will not fear, for you are ever with me, 

and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

I want to know Him.
I want to know Him as He is..
I want to be that which He formed and fashioned me to be...
I don't want to abide by some dogmatic this is who we are because I am a Christian and this is what I am to believe...

It grieves my heart at times when I see postings on social media that do not resemble the biblical Christ and yet with pride and certainty the poster pontificates their position.  Grieve is not an overstatement.

I want to touch the heart of Christ and know that heart beat. I want to lean upon Him and not my own understanding.  I want to trust Him when He leads me to the proverbial Samarias.  I want to be the good Samaritan not the religious fool who is in a hurry to get to some meeting or participate in that which they think "god" is doing and miss the very opportunity that is before me.

BUT I DID...

I was that fool... I did miss out...

Folks.. here, here is the truth... here is the confession... I spent 23 years in Christian ministry only to look back now and say many are dangerously close to coming face to face with Jesus and hearing that they were never known. I was there. I was there. Consumed with the doing and not stopping to listen, to be, to wait... Consumed with my own thoughts and vision and not pausing long enough to see that I left that which the Father is doing twenty miles back.

 Listen, I will give that I am in process.  I am processing through and in a great deal of paradigm shift.  I know not where this is going.  I know this I can't do that which I have done before.... Not the whole baby out with the bath water but the bath water must go..... It doesn't work...

I tried to keep up not wanting to be left behind or left out, and the truth of the matter was that in all that striving I have realized I did miss out on the most precious moments that can not ever be gotten back.  Ever so grateful for redemption and time now.

The fact of the matter is I love and hate that I have come to a place where I just don't know... I don't know what life with Christ is supposed to look like, the "guides" I have seen or followed said this or that and then some of them said we don't do this or that and others have said this or that is acceptable.  I think the fact of the matter is we don't know....  Liken unto Peter sitting on a roof top about to encounter the reality that it doesn't matter what food people eat. Liken unto the Judaizers who thought all needed to be circumcised to be accepted in. Liken unto those who were horrified that a woman was breaking a bottle of perfume and washing Jesus feet with her hair and tears. Liken unto the fact that He who cleansed the lepers, (on the sabbath), allowed women to be in His company, hung out with tax collectors, perpetually unclean in the eyes  of the religious; does things that the religious communities of every time say is heresy.  

That is the God I follow.  The One who did not come to abolish but fulfill the law is the One who time after time after time left the religious with their mouths on the floor as He left the people feeling and knowing God and His love.

There's a new song coming out by Bethel's Jenn Johnson and I couldn't ever be more grateful for the timing of a song.....  The lyrics are amazing...

My only prayer these days is that my heart would not faint and that courage would reverberate within me and keep me strong to walk this road, where the truth is I just don't know... But to sum it all up... I'm beautifully in over my head.... and that's ok

Then You crash over me and I’ve lost control but I’m free

I’m going under, I’m in over my head

And You crash over me, I’m where You want me to be

I’m going under, I’m in over my head

Whether I sink, whether I swim

It makes no difference when I’m beautifully in over my head

Whether I sink, whether I swim

It makes no difference when I’m beautifully in over my head

I’m Beautifully in over my head

I’m Beautifully in over my head