Christianity and yoga.... Sharing my heart and resources.

It is upon me to not avoid this conversation.

It is upon my life daily.

Some of you ask me, some of you are concerned for me and some of you out and out think I have fallen away from a faith I hold precious and have served for decades. Through this journey with you, whichever group you fall into, I have come to a place of peace.   In entering into conversations and a dialogue I have found my voice.

This isn't the conversation I would be wanting to have.  I wouldn't want to have to have my yogi friends see your posts, see your questions, see your fear.  I don't think it represents the Christ we follow.  But I've heard your heart.  Now I'd like you to hear mine.

It is upon me to speak about this subject.  I walked among you and still do.  Jim and I stood in public places of ministry leading in a variety of venues for decades. Yoga hasn't changed my affection for Christ. It has enhanced it and grown it.

I want to share a couple things.  First I want to share a resource with you. Why rewrite something?  While I can't say I have read through every article upon the site, I have read some. Some I agree thoroughly with and others I would add or take away specific points.  But why recreate the wheel completely. Read and think and discern for yourself.

So a resource I have recently found is this website/blog.  Christians Practicing Yoga.  

 One article I have really liked upon the site is an interview with a woman named, Joanne Spence.
Her words and the book titles she mentions are ones I am working my through.

I didn't want to bring a defense to yoga into my Christian community.  But we don't always get to choose such things.

I am one who loves Christ deeply.  I was brought to faith not through the words of a man or woman but through a direct experience that I can not negate nor do I wish to.   I love Christ deeply and have served church and para church organizations for most of my adult life.  What I would say to those so struggling with my yoga practice, is that we should be struggling and attempting to sort out in house issues with such diligence and such motivation.  The horrors and sorrows I have seen within Christian organizations have brought such harm, and affected the lives of multitudes.  It is to those things I wish that you wouldn't turn a blind eye. But you like the preachers you like, and at times could care less about their actual lives as a man or a woman. Affairs go justified. Arrogance goes unseen. Pride and envy and jealousy and greed go through and through while we keep our heads in the sand, buying the books and going to the conferences and feeding gluttonously at the expense you understand not.  Those are some of the things I wish you would address with such fervor as how Christians should feel about yoga.

But it is easier to reach out and strike at yoga.  It is always easier to look at the poles in others eyes. But I think there's a story about that somewhere in the Gospels that we read.

Secondly, besides giving to you resources and not re creating the wheel, (so appreciative of others who have walked this road. So grateful for those I know and have been recently introduced to and those I have just met via sites like this one listed.)  I want to express to you what yoga has meant to me.

You have trusted me for decades to be discerning, as we would call it within our circles; prophetic/revelatory, seer, intuit, empath.  I really haven't changed.  About a decade and a half ago when I was standing before you teaching you how to drop "Christianese" as a language,  teaching you how to speak plainly about spiritual realities, teaching you how to see and touch those that needed love and affection and spirit and truth.. I was no different, teaching you to know and understand your dreams and what they were saying to you and how to interpret the dreams of others and bring understanding and life to friends, co-workers and family

Some of you even told me I was going to hell back then.  But to those who could touch and catch the vision of what was happening, we found life together. We explored and we found the places to live a natural way understanding supernatural phenomenon, but carrying it forward into our lives in ways that brought forth life and peace and joy.  This journey is no different. It truly is a continuation. A search to touch what it means to live in a body.  To know that Christ came in a body.  To join understanding and live a holistic life of Body, Soul and Spirit.  To be strengthened in my inner woman and find Spirit and life and light there.  

Mainly I wanted to say, I started yoga for two reasons and I kept it a private journey until I could feel the push of Holy Spirit to share.  To share my yoga journey publicly.  I knew it would be a can of worms. I knew not the depth nor the degree. But I have no regrets.  The reason for that has a lot to do with my two fold reason for beginning yoga.  First, if you have read any of my blogs or have ever heard me speak, there is an awareness of past abuse. I will leave it at that for this posting.  I have never touched a modality of healing liken to yoga.  Physical movement touching breathe touching being intentionally in the now moment spurred me on and created in me the likeness of which Ezekiel talks about. Dry bones coming to life with the Breath of Spirit reverberating deeply.. I found peace living in my body in ways I never had touched before. 

While Yoga is not a religion, it is a method through which Body, Soul, and Spirit find union and I have never .. Hear me.. NEVER existed so thoroughly in my body as I have since starting my yoga practice.  This is not deception. This is life in the richest form.  I will not stand by and hear my community of faith call good evil and that is partially what you have done.

Secondly and I take this to heart.  I lost my person almost a year ago to this date.  She loved yoga. She had mats.  I never got to ask her what her favorite posture was, although my mom will say she loved the mediation.  I can imagine that of her. My mom gave me her mats.  I went to yoga, with a mat, never having watched a YouTube Video. I went to yoga, with her mat. I went to yoga in those days because my heart ached and I missed her beyond expression. I went to yoga in those days, oblivious to what would happen within my community of faith. Oblivious to that loss that would come because the loss my heart was enduring was beyond great.  So no loss of you could even touch, even the slightest bit the immense loss of that person.  I stand in a place as a woman of faith, fully convinced that my God loves my yoga practice and smiles upon me as I stand and breathe and move.  I stand in a place as a woman of faith having lost friends, community, and in some cases credibility.  But I stand in a place as a woman of faith having stood.  I stand in this place as a woman of faith loving yoga and loving Jesus and knowing that I know that I know that I know that it is well with my soul.

I stand at a moment of almost touching the year to the day this magnificent human being ceased to walk the face of the earth. So I get it.  I get what you think about me and yoga. I get what you think of yoga. What I am asking of you is that you would read and educate yourself. People perish for lack of understanding and fear creates divides.  

I think it is time to cease looking at and for  the poles in the eyes of others.....  I think it is time for a intelligible discussion not based on fear and lack of knowledge but insightful gathering of truth.  

My yoga practice has transformed my life on and off the mat.  My faith stands firm. My heart stands strong. My entire being is resolute.

Knowing and being known... When you should have been "afraid" for my "soul," you weren't....

I told my good  friend about the planning for this post. I told her what it felt like to be thinking about writing this one. I showed her pictures, I told her stories and I cried.





These pictures are almost exactly a year apart.

What is obvious would be the weight that was lost.  What isn't as obvious but the same words could be used is the weight that was lost.


I won't go back and rewrite a history that was lived.  What I have come to begin to touch is that the journey of life takes us upon a very wild ride.  What I will believe about myself is that I attempt to live as honest of a life as I can day in and day out with the understanding and revelation I have in the season and time.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that I would ever emerge as the person I am today.  Never in  my wildest imagination would I have been able to conjure up the life I am living and loving and relaxing into.  Never in my most far out thoughts of myself would I have ever thought I could be on the brink of touching such a settled feeling in life. Never.....  But in a year's time I am awe struck at what possibility, hope and just plain not giving up can do.

The best comments I have gotten back recently is you like the "How tos.." I get that. The nuts and bolts of how this all works.  The thing is ... one of the wisest people I have met this past year doesn't give me as many of the nuts and bolts that I would want and that has been the greatest "How to," I have ever learned.

So here is a story for you....  We all have seasons in our lives that feel like the earth is shaking and the landscapes that we have known and trusted are shattering.  What I have learned isn't new to anyone and is a tad more cliche then I care for.... But simply put, if one just keeps going, relaxes as much as possible and breathes.. the day called tomorrow will come and the day after that and the day after that and the day after that.....

If one wants change. If one wants something to change and is willing to stick through the actual process when the wanted change starts to come (one might realize that the change that was seemingly wanted isn't wanted as much anymore.) BUT...

I knew I wanted something different
I didn't know exactly what that was
I didn't want to live in the negative.... Like when I was thinking, "I can't do this anymore,"  I knew I didn't want to live in the what I couldn't dos I wanted to discover the what I could dos.
I knew I needed help
When I quit or wanted to quit or when I did quit I learned humility and found my way back to the journey and unquit. I have had very gracious people in  my life who understand that it is a process that takes time and the pacing out of that process is what it is and that that is ok, more than ok.. it is as it should be...

I want to use a futuristic story that is written in the Christian gospels.  I want to use that story and a conversation to give you the foundation for change.

So as the story goes... Jesus is teaching

Do not judge.
Keep precious what is precious ie don't throw pearls to swine .. (your heart to those who won't understand)
Be one who asks
Be one who seeks
Be one who knocks
Treat people the way you would want to be treated
There are few who will spend the time to find the ways of life, most want a quick fix.. spend the time. The way is narrow.. few people go there but be one who journeys upon that road of discovery.
Be aware (Beware) of those who teach falsely.  Good things can not come from a bad tree. Examine the fruit of one's life. There are the proverbial and not so proverbial wolves in sheep clothing.. I've met too many of them. They look like sheep, they smell like sheep.. they even sound like sheep but they will never bear baby sheep and the flow of their lives will eventually tell you what's what.

Then comes this story...

Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter. Many will say to Me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?’ And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me,

Ok.. there's that story from the book, Matthew.

Here's another story.

I sat at a table in a coffee shop.  There were three of us.  There was a conversation.  I listened. They listened. We went back and forth talking different points about what it might mean to live a life of Christian faith.  I had been on this journey where I knew that I had been influenced by culture in a way that was not as true to the heart of God as I wanted.  Living in America and being part of this culture as a Christian we have a very different "gospel," at times.  At times I would say the "christ," that is followed is no different then the Golden Calf idol formed in the desert in the times of Moses.Making a version of a god that is more palpable and golden delicious then the actual Divine Man that walked the face of the earth as the age of the world went from before Him to after Him.  I wanted something different.  I didn't know what, I just knew that after twenty-two years of serving in churches and para church organizations something had to be different.

I listened to concerns about listening to empty philosophy's of men and different Pauline teachings. But what was rattling in my heart was the other story I just told you.  Whatever your beliefs are I had spent what seemed like a life time, since the age of 19, walking one certain road.  What that gave me was wisdom and depth and breadth of experience.  I knew some of what I was talking about.

While not verbatim, this would be the gist of what I would say...

I would express that I heard what was being said, and then I would share that my deepest concern was that there will come a day according to Christian scripture that all will stand before the Christ.  Some He will have known and others He will have not.  In our audacity at times as Christians we want to say who that is and who that isn't....  I took this moment to share that my largest concern was this, I had spent a life time in ministry, aka... "casting out demons, healing the sick, etc."  And I thought that the who that is and who that isn't might be very different than anything we have ever thought.

You see what I realize now is this... When you should have been afraid for my soul you weren't. That is what I wish I would have said succinctly.  When you thought I was doing all the right things, and living a life that people thought was godly and full of spirit and gifting and life, I wasn't knowing nor was I being known. But in the West, and in the American culture we care more about the doing and the results. I could prophesy, foretell the future, speak over and into the lives of many. HOWEVER  I was more on the road to a proverbial hell and not being known by God during a time when the church and the religious faithful would have said I was sold out and wanted to emulate my life and the way I flowed in the spirit.

Hear me on this... especially if you are of the Christian faith AND even more especially if you are in ministry or want to be in ministry.  I was doing all the right things.Except I wasn't
. 
That day at that coffee table what I would say is I get that in Christian belief there is an idea of many will depart from the faith, aka "fall away.".  What I said is I think that that has happened and I believe it has happened with more of the people that stand behind the pulpit then sit in front, and we are those that that story I shared speaks of.  I gestured to the three of us sitting there at the table, including myself.  I knew that I had spent decades dangerously and precariously doing all the right things and yet in being busy and being in the business of the doing of the ministry, I wasn't being known.  I was setting the agenda. I needed to be doing and thinking that I was building  for God, maybe more of what I was doing was keeping busy for self.

The greatest difference between those two pictures I first shared is I lost a life I thought was what I wanted only to find the way to Life and living in love in such a way that grounds me into Spirit and humanity in ways that I have never known.

I found stillness
I found silence
I found quiet

Again both Christian and Hebrew scripture will emphasis rest, trust, quiet... those concepts are NOT just beautiful truths lived out by those more of the faiths that come from the East.

Cease striving and know God
Be still and know God

Meditate upon the things of Creation and Spirit.
Separate from the events of the day and go to lonely places and learn to be just with self and Creator.. The Christ we follow or say we follow did... (Even if it starts with 2 minutes... learn to sit with yourself. A prayer I have told you about that has filled out my journey these past two years is attributed to St. Francis of Assisi.. Lord, my God who are you and who am I?  ) I have sat, paused, struggled, wept, laughed and fought for the answers and some I get, the more important ones I don't for they are to be lived and trusted in the mystery that they are... Again in the West/ in America.. we want to KNOW.. we want to be CERTAIN.. we want to have the answers....  It is in the unknowing that we can learn to know, it is in uncertain times that trust is grown and in the lack of answers comes living.

Again some simple how tos... they too come from Hebrew text...

Love Mercy
Do Justly
Walk humbly


Sometimes I  shake my head these days because in the midst of concern that I am dabbling into things that are taking me away from orthodoxy of belief I have actually found the most true expression I think I have ever walked in the twenty three years I have followed the Divine Man, The Christ.

Maybe we should take a very careful look at when you should have been concerned for my soul and you weren't, are the care takers ( ie pastors, priests etc, ) of your souls taking care of their own. If such a day does occur do you really want to watch as they were told they weren't known? If such a day does occur do you really want to have lived  a life of  correct religious activity only to hear you weren't known?  This is important t and it has caused me to tremble and work out what does it mean to live a life towards Spirit, what does it really mean? And then what am I going to do about that...

She saw the laughing Buddha ... My Christian faith and yoga life. Yes those two things can be in the same sentence.

I'll be honest a few months ago I wouldn't be able to write this post.  So I smile as I start typing away. It isn't that there aren't still the moments where my heart beat loses it's regularity and a defibulator or brown paper bag or reminder to breathe is called for immediately, its just that I am finding my feet a tad bit more upon this journey that is my life.  Oh these days have me pausing often. To share... Not to share. How does one make wise decisions about a public and personal online profile? And when the wisdom that would scream in my head, "NO don't share that." wants its way and the wisdom that would sing into my heart whispers, "share that." I feel the conflict. Grab the brown bag or need the reminder to breathe, as I share.

I think the thing about me that I am discovering is that I have seen the detrimental affects of being silent and not speaking or using my voice.  And these are real issues. Real issues often need a frame work for discussion. Full of love, respect, kindness, gentleness and listening ears more than speaking mouths.  I am not being flippant or coy with people's hearts or understanding of how they perceive faith, life and yoga.

We must all journey with the understanding that we currently possess.  So whether you do yoga and are a Christian, or do yoga and aren't a Christian or only do Holy Yoga or think yoga well is somehow harmful... I want to say Namaste.  I want to say that that which is light and truth and life and beauty in me recognizes, honors, cherishes that which is light and truth and life and beauty in you.  Sat nam, you are seen.  That which comprises the most essential you that you are is that which I see as the expression of your life.  I respect your journey. It is yours to have.

 For anyone who knows me, really knows me... My passion for and love of the Spirit and the life with influences from sensory input from the unseen is at the core of my very being.  I see the world through the lens  of an Empath, an intuitive human being, a contemplative Christian, a Seer.  Pick whatever word your tradition affords you an understanding,

 I look and watch and wait upon Spirit, light and wonder to lead and guide me through my days. It is the way I am intrinsically wired. I see people more as light then of flesh at times.  Living with my senses wide open and receptive is like breathing, it happens whether I am mindful of it or not. I do not struggle with nor deny the existence of Spirit or the unseen seen.  It is that it just is within my frame of reference and world view.

I have a barometer of sorts that I use to align myself to the day, because I am not one who is looking to live a hyper esoteric life.  It becomes a specialty of mine, within my spiritual direction practice, to work with Empaths, Christian intuitive contemplative types, and people of all different faiths;  and walk with them as they discover how to be wired the way they are while also being grounded upon the Earth. Personally if there needs to be a label for understanding or "boxing" in, I would say I live with a contemplative Christian framework that has a lot of nuances to it. Ever hear the good ole Texas song, Don't fence me in. That might be my motto for spirituality these days.

Ok... slight background given. Back to the post.

My email or message box are full of two types of correspondences these days.  First, seemingly there are Christians coming out of the closet. Not the one you might be thinking of (that's a different topic for a different day.) This closet is the yoga studio.  I remember the day I stared at Facebook and could feel that my yoga practice was no longer just going to be mine.  I could feel it in my bones.  I knew the choice. I actually did understand the can of worms I was opening.

Yoga had been changing my life, healing my soul, restoring my body... me, being me and my life being what it is.. felt the time to share was upon me.  Instantly the two fold response was in play.  There was no middle ground I was either going straight to hell and being damned for leading the faithful astray or there was a huge sigh of relief from closeted yogis who would profess to love Christ.  In those moments I am not sure which reaction bore grief more upon my heart. There was also many an opportunity to learn to not fuel into flame an anger and hostility to the faith that I had served for over two decades.  It was quite the tight rope for my  heart to walk and who I am joking, at times can very much still be...

There isn't an argument I haven't heard and many a well wisher was now inviting me to "coffee", whether in person or online, to help this backslidden, fallen away "sister" get things right.

What they couldn't hear and I couldn't say cleanly back then was this... Christ and Spirit and Breath and Light and Love were meeting more on the yoga mat in the yoga studio day after day then I had found in the physical church building for months, maybe years.What I couldn't share cleanly back then, because my heart wasn't in the right place (I was hurt and angry and frustrated with the fear and religious smallness that was anything but Christ like), was that the Spirit of the Lord was meeting me day after day on the yoga mat in the yoga studio as I spoke Sanskrit words and prayers; speaking that as my Lord and Savior He would decide where and when He would meet me. It has never really been about a building.

The day I will never forget was a day at a restorative yoga class.  It is what I affectionately call my "lie on a bolster and breathe," class. I was in a reclining position. Leaning back upon bolsters. When all that I know to be of God and the voice in which I am spoken to (and the way so very many of you have trusted in the past for me to hear and receive from... just saying.. promised myself I wouldn't get snarky in this post.. that is so not my heart nor my intention. I want to honor another's journey as I would want mine to be honored.. but I digress) began to speak.

"Do not call good evil or evil good.  There is good in places where people would see only evil and there is evil in places where people would call good.  Do not call good evil or evil good." It rang in my ears so much that I sat straight up.  I knew with lack of understanding people perish and harm is done and fear gets in and I also know that a love so perfect and beautiful and divine washes all that fear away.  I have seen the "evil" in supposedly "good" places. Green rooms and hospitality suites of some of your favorite speakers before they go on to share the "word of the Lord," I have seen jealousy and envy that would kill and actually did. I've been in the world of Christian ministry for 23 years, I've seen a lot of evil in the name of good and God.
I haven't been in yoga for even a year but I have tasted and seen the goodness of God in the land of the living and have been brought back to life with breathe and postures and meditation.  I'm not naive in thinking the land of yoga is a land of utopian bliss without the affects of humanity upon it. I have found immense kindness and generosity of spirit and openness within said culture and community and am profoundly moved.

This dialogue bears down upon my heart and I lose clear articulation at times.  I'm on a journey. I have seen where I have stepped into a place where I am not "Christian" enough for many of my friends or people who knew me through our organization.  I have met wonderful people who try and grapple with my understanding of how I perceive and receive life and have seen where I am not "secular" enough. I have also met the most wonderful of people  who have had coffee (not the come back to Jesus kind) and walked with me in this season with listening ears and open hearts.  I have learned that I would rather discern my way through something and feel frail and small and strong and courageous, all at the same time, while trying to remember to breathe then give into fear. I've lost more than I ever thought would happen but in so doing the old adage has been confirmed. In losing a life I could not hold onto I gained a life I would have never imagined possible.

Yoga and Jesus have given that to me....  A life of light, breathe, beauty and sound. It is well...

So the title of the blog post is probably the epitome of my life right now.  A dear friend, who knows my love for Madeleine L' Engle, who is best known for being the author of A Wrinkle in Time, gave me the most beautiful necklace a couple weeks ago.  You see L'Engle tells a story of a white laughing Buddha upon her desk that reminds her not to take her life so seriously. I NEED THAT REMINDER CONTINUOUSLY!!! The necklace is this beautiful turquoise necklace with a laughing Buddha head as it's center piece.  I get immense joy from wearing it.

I was wearing the necklace this one day and upon a trip to the store entered into this conversation with someone; who, it would be quickly discovered knew some of the same people I have known.  A woman of Christian faith (as I am as well) and I entered into a conversation that would be indicative of two well versed people within said tradition.  Both engaged, both enjoying the conversation, both enjoying the new meet up and then....  her eyes grew a bit big and she shook her head and then looked at me.

 I could feel what was happening.  In me not taking myself so seriously and an apparent contradiction to all that our conversation had just held (said necklace) this new acquaintance was trying to grapple with what I touch every day.  A seeming contradiction that isn't a contradiction within my heart. A discrepancy appeared on the horizon and in a moment I went from being peer to not being "christian" enough.

 I really suggest reading Richard Rohr's The Naked Now, it is brilliant in its articulation upon these issues of faith, contemplation and how mystics see.  She very politely expressed how nice it was to meet me and that maybe we would see each other around.  She left as did I and as the reverberations were to be felt for the next few minutes (or more) in my world, I knew one thing... I was not taking the necklace off... I was not giving up my yoga practice.  I was and am becoming a yoga teacher who desires to use the modality of yoga therapeutically. I will also celebrate the life of Christ and the mystical, contemplative side of Christianity while holding a "both and" non - dualistic world view that says beauty and truth and spirit and God are found in all things.

I had recently written a blog post about my journey and excitement about taking my 200 hr teacher training this Summer, and a comment that was written back was, "why would I want to do such a thing as become a yoga teacher?"  I read it. Deleted it. Then thought to myself ... "Why would you want to do such a thing as breathe?"  For me it is one and the same............


Sat Nam............

She asked... How do you do that?

Oh the lives of the children.  Whether parents are public speakers or just parents . Children endure Facebook photos ( they would rather not ever have posted ...one can only use it is for Grandma and your aunts and uncles so many times), stories ( they would rather not have told to Grandma let alone the entire listening audience) and intimate moments shared for a greater good (supposedly).

If I listen to their heart beats, my six children, become my greatest teachers. One such moment happened this weekend. 

My kids have trained me well. I know that if I want photos I do have to drop the it's for nana or so and so line.  Actually my kids know me very well. Last night as one of my older ones and I were talking about first day of school photos, he said, "I bet you told nana to text us directly." Well, I did but it is because she asked for first day of school photos and what I really said was, "they will do it more for you than for me, text them directly."

Oh, the beauty of family.
We know each other... for the good and the bad, and all that is in between.

I had lots of precious and not so precious moments this weekend with different pairings of kids as an annual festival rolled into town.  Not so precious = youngest daughter and I went for an early morning Farmer's Market muffin.  Her favorite thing to do.  We sat in the square and listened to a great Irish singer (my heart goes to these ballads as certain sons of mine can sing them amazingly... not often, especially if they know I'm listening and want them to... The wonder of teenagers.. But amazing none the less. I have sat against a bathroom door for an hour listening to one of  them sing. Eyes closed, face totally taken over by a smile and heart full. It is certainly one of my favorite things in life.)

Back to the youngest of our family. She was so extremely excited about the bouncy houses and just couldn't wait for them to inflate.  Except something, still don't know what... got into her eye.  Her grit and determination ended up giving way, to a six year old heart that needed to be carried, numerous blocks back to the parking garage in order to be taken home and given Benadryl. She was and is and will continue to be a champ of all champs. I guess being the youngest of six you sort of have to be.

The days of the festival would be broken up with trips back and forth. Thank God for my husband's parking pass to the garage near where he works. Me and one kid, me and two kids, me and kids and their friends, bands of all sorts, stalls selling all kinds of wares and all kinds of people.

That brings me to the title of this post....  It was nearing the end of the activities. Oh, by the way.. the old adage of moms can't be sick was in total affect these days.  As I drove back and forth and walked up and down streets, my body and I were having numerous conversations.  I was explaining to it that my life didn't have time for it to be acting the way it was, and it wanted me to know it was time for a nap.  It would win out Saturday afternoon.  Bodies have a way of doing that.

But Saturday evening, we had library books that were due and so oldest daughter and I headed back into town to return books and take one more stroll around the streets.  We came to this one stall.  It was representing a local massage business. However they also host, what I can only imagine are amazing concerts once a month.  I had attempted to go this past month. Except I had read the sign wrong.  It hadn't read first Sunday of the month, it had read "fourth" Sunday of the month.  I arrived a week too late. Oh well, there will be this month.

So the woman standing within the booth looked like the picture of the woman on the flier.  So I stopped and started what I thought was just a plain old conversation. I asked about the concert. I acknowledged that I thought she was the artist. I shared my story expressed my wishes to come this month, and good byes were shared.

As we walked away, my oldest (most amazing of a human being) daughter asked, "How do you do that?"  She had been watching and taking in the conversation.  Understanding her question, I answered flippantly first, "Well, honey.. I've made a life of being a public speaker." She smiled. Then I gently brushed some hair out of her face, took her hand, and pointing to my gut said,   "It comes from here."

We kept talking and I shared how it wasn't always so easy. I had to learn more of who I was and get comfortable with that and still get comfortable with that. We moved on and went to different stalls and walked and walked until once again my body became louder than my will.

But what would stay loud was those moments. "It comes from here."

It didn't always. Once upon a time it came from me putting on a charade. Wearing masks, not knowing who the hell I was but knowing what the expectations were, and attempting to live up to that.  Trying to be genuine, and in hindsight I believe I was for the time as much as I could be.... Except, I was who I thought others wanted me to be, needed me to be, or even who I thought I wanted to be or needed to be....
What?  I played roles.  Not so much  mom, wife, friend.. But wife of a man who made his living speaking in a public setting, woman in a male dominated ministry culture, friend to people who would as likely stab you in the back as smile at your face.. (or potentially only be your friend because of who said husband might be.) One learns how to play the games, how to do the "that," one learns how to do the "that," well or one perishes. I have watched it first hand. It is tragic and beyond sad, sadly at times even deadly.

So I've held onto the statement that answered the question of how do I do such things, as just go up to strangers and strike up a conversation, or the one that gets my kids is when strangers just come up to me, believing they have seen me before whether in real life or crazy enough in a dream, and I step into a conversation, listening... responding... welcoming... smiling.. enjoying humanity.

I've held onto the answer, "it comes from here."  I'm learning more and more what actually and authentically does initiate and stream forth from the core of me.  I'm discovering that which comes from "here."

How does one do that?
How do you discover what is the treasure deep in the core of you and live from that place?

I'm no expert... But here are a few practices that have strengthened me along the way... Feel free to add on yours in the comments....

1) Spend time with........... yourself. This is not as easy as it sounds. It deserves its own post.  But quickly and simply put.... Pick a place that can be quiet and have all electronics off and far from reach.  Don't berate yourself if you start with 30 seconds.  I have had clients burst into tears at the 10 second mark of silence. It really is ok. In this culture we do not respect silence and stillness. If you have not put it into practice, it will be so foreign to your being that touching shock isn't out of the question.  Let your body, emotions, soul and spirit react. Take notice... Come back to this place as often as you can, try for at least once a day for as much time as you can. (On busy days, I pack at least three 5 minute places of silence, stillness and sitting with myself to reground and recharge)

2) Spend time with those who put your heart at ease... In this case a picture or pictures are worth 1000s of words...

 

These guys more and more show me the best within me, (also the worst at times.. be not afraid of the "dark side," it too has lessons to teach.) 

3) Spend time with nature. There is nothing like sitting and touching the grass with bare feet or hands or entire body.  I recently went to a local park at 5am and sat criss cross upon the grass. Then I placed the soles of my feet upon the grass. Then I leaned forward over my crossed legs and placed my hands upon the grass. I also laid over my legs and placed my face to the earth and I laid back and looked up and stared at the sky and clouds and beauty.  I listened to the birds and noticed how their songs changed as the sunrise approached.

Spend time with nature. The elements of nature are what they are.. that is the beauty of creation and the good it grants to humanity. A tree is a tree. A cloud is a cloud. A blade of grass is a blade of grass. Nature grounds oneself and speaks and quiets and allures you into discover of yourself and it. The lessons nature has taught me as of late are changing my life.



4) Spend time with creativity.  For me it is words. Books. Journals. Magazine scraps. I love words. I love creating with words.

I see them dance around my head and when I type I feel like my fingers are playing upon a musical keyboard and can hear the symphony and melody of language.  It fills my soul. As I embrace this passion, I embrace self and the truest expression of myself.  I love the articulation and communication of concepts, love, friendship, pain, suffering, success, joy, struggle, faith, energy, light and that list can and does go on an on... I have a beautiful friend who is extremely creative and her journals and my journals look very different. I can sit and write and write and write. She can sit and write one word on a page and use her color pens to decorate the page or take scraps from a magazine and glue them on a page and that is her melody and song.  Some it is literal melody and song. Others it is running. Still others it is scaling the cliffs or diving to the depths, or looking up at the stars.  Discover what courses through your core by touching expression and seeing which one fits you the best. This is no one size fits all...




"How do you do that?"

The simplest and most profound answer is I relax and in so doing find myself and the expression of that place is the how I do that which I do in the most effortless way.
Be you and not some portrayal of you or any other human being... It might take time to wash off the mud of self or other's expectations, opinions, etc... Take the time...
"How do I do that".. I listen for the song, that streams along the insides of me to the cellular level, and tune into that and push play....

A letter to seekers.... The questions we must ask

Faith is an interesting world.  What do they say? Within conversation avoid politics, finances, and religion.  Since both my life and the life of my husband had us fully immersed in the religious world of ministry, for over two decades, that was often an interesting enterprise.

I know not really what to say tonight.

So why then write? Why not wait.  Sometimes I trust the ambiguity more than the knowing. At least I've been trying to.. There is a vulnerability touching my heart tonight that rarely does so... Really I know there are those of you who will not believe that I don't write from that place always... But please hear me... I don't...

Tonight, a willingness born forth from a day of holding a question close to my heart has arisen, and I will journey here though I know not to where... (That is not new in this season). This morning I was asked a question. And it has rattled in my heart all day.


 It wasn't the first time this type of question has crossed my message box, email, text 
 I am sure it won't be the last

I know that months ago when questions such as this one would cross my life, my heart would lurch. I would close my eyes. I would receive such questions into my gut. I would let them take my breathe away.

Life becomes an interesting dance when one has lived in public view.
  It becomes an interesting life when one who has lived in public view begins to change.

There is so much I could say here, oh so many things. So many things I now know better than to say, for I am not desiring to be cynical nor sarcastic, both of those giants struck a long time ago and neither are pretty. Neither hold life.  Dear seeker... Learn when silence is the most beautiful sound. Grow in understanding that opinion and personal experience are just that.  Allow others their search. Fight the giants of fear. Live open. Live the questions. Allow hope and joy and smiles to reign more fully than anger, self - righteousness, and cowardice.

Dear seekers, admit more often that you might not know all that you think you do. Be willing to not fit into anyone's boxes, maybe not even your own.  This is a hard one. For one who was a teacher, a speaker; for me, who was the person, to be asked questions and whose answers were taken for truth,  for me, who was a go to person, to become a student, to touch the "I don't knows," to embrace time and the way it moves and leave places of expertise was  lethal. It often always will be..Letting go of familiar terrain and the known path is hard. But the things that die aren't allows bad, hard, but not bad.  Once again being the student can be a wonderful thing.  Beginners Mind will always be something now that I cherish.

Here's another Dear Seeker moment.... You don't have to crush all the boxes and certainly not at once. Some places are to always remain.  I do believe I have been diligent to not throw proverbial baby out with the bathwater... That is always a bad idea.  Dear Seeker, know your own Achilles heel. And when others say that you might only believe what you are believing in the moment out of pain, past, or personality, thank that person. Don't bite the messenger's head off... Being willing to acknowledge that growth comes from pain, and we look for new answers often when problems arise with the ones we once held so true,  it  isn't  such a wrong thing to acknowledge that pain caused your growth and your search.

Dear Seeker... As Teilhard would say,

"And so I think it is with you;

your ideas mature gradually—let them grow,

let them shape themselves, without undue haste.

Don’t try to force them on,

as though you could be today what time

acting on your own good will) 

will make of you tomorrow."

Take the time. As one who so desperately wanted to force all of the tomorrows to come (forget today) yesterday. Dear Seeker, breathe...  breathe deeply.. Time is a gift. Really. It might rarely feel that way, but time is a gift. It is actually your friend. It actually has so many lessons it teaches. So many. And that brings me to this.......

 Today has felt  like a milestone. All other times when questions such as the one presented to me this morning crossed my path; I would allow anger, indignation, pride, arrogance, sorrow, confusion, pain and more to taunt me. Today was different.

Today was different... It was different.
It was different because I am different.
The gift of this question showed me so much.

Dear Seeker, celebrate such moments. Smile. Run out your front door and smile at the sun, the clouds, the rain. Celebrate moments where you get to witness change. Celebrate those moments, where you realize that time has made a difference, qualities and traits you once wanted to have arrived and traits you wanted to let go of have some how vanished. (at least for the moment.)

I am different and while I know there are those who would want me to emphasize my role in this journey, and dear seeker, do not down play this place... that I have sought.You have sought. That I have held questions. You have held questions. That I have walked. That you have walked and asked. That I have asked. More than anything you and I just haven't quit.  And while I can acknowledge that it has been in showing up and walking forward that I have worked and sought and struggled, me being me must thank the light posts that have stood as beacons to my heart.

 Dear seeker... Gratitude will always always always be a most trustworthy guide. Be not arrogant in your search nor in your knowing. One day you might find out that all you held onto so tightly was actually constricting and suffocating you. Be grateful to have new eyes. Be grateful for the opportunity that is presenting itself.
  Dear seeker.. Your journey won't be mine and mine is not yours. But there are those light posts in life that are worth looking at and acknowledging that the light coming forth from said beacon can be trusted.. can be true. Light posts often do appear in the strangest and most wonderful of places if one is seeking.


Those beacons have included...

Christians
Buddhists
Muslims
Hindus
Sufis
Friends
Strangers
Family
Priests
Professionals
Detractors

Be not be afraid to find light in another, differences might not seem so different after all....... I am very clear about that.

Dear seeker... I wasn't a seeker for a very long time. I was a settler.  I had settled. I had found a place  where I was content. In that place I grew. I put down roots and I allowed branches to soar up high. I also allowed fences to grow. When my kids were young they needed fences. Now that some are older they need not the same. Learn when fences become walls. Also know fences are a great boundary setting tool. Don't negate all fences.  Dear Seeker.. Settling isn't always settling. Learn wisdom and discernment and learn the difference.  It is not necessarily a place of ignorance to choose a table and sup there, and enjoy the sustenance.  Just try new foods as well. Pema Chodron will state stick to your boat.

So while the question that was asked of me this morning really has very little weight upon the journey of this post....  and I've wondered if I would even share the exact nature of the words. I was not sure they would have a place.

I know not the woman that asked it.
But I know in my heart and fully believe she was earnest.
Dear Seeker - Don't presume to know another's heart and journey. It is ok for others to have questions and to question your searching. Some of those that will risk doing so are actually the most courageous.
 
We chose to live a public life. I acknowledge that.  I lived a very specific way for a very long time. It is ok for those who have walked with me and known of me or known me to ask the questions upon their hearts.

I've learned I owe no answers. Kindness though expresses itself when lack of understanding seeks.  I have had so many be so kind to me and answer so very many of my questions or not.  Dear Seeker - Sometimes the wisest among those lamp stands won't answer your questions. They are a most precious and rare breed. They do you the greatest honor.  They let you grow into knowing that maybe you actually did know something all along. Those same people know great discernment and at times will also either light up a specific way or speak in suggestions. Be willing to listen. Listen to when they won't answer and listen to the answers they will give.


Today has had me thinking upon Rumi and his quote; "

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” 

The spheres of life grow and recede.
The Hebrew books of wisdom tell us there is a time and a season for all things.
My personal journey comes in and out of view. I am trying to touch what my life and my journey and Spirit say about such things. I don't know the answers...

The question I was asked this morning.....
What did you do with the Jesus in your life? 

 Dear Seeker - Be not offended when others can't see your journey. And trust that maybe in their doubt or in their question there is actually something for you to touch... Grant space. Step two feet away. Allow it not to be personal. Allow others their questions and their search.

Dear Seeker - There are a few things you just can't get wrong...

Love
Patience
Kindness
Generosity
Gratitude


To only name a few....................

I need not ever be right. I might always be wrong. I desire to not live afraid.

Part One: Life off the mat...

Off the mat is where yoga has really taken me.... There are 10 statements I want to share... tonight I will share 5....


1)  Whatever you do in life ..... Breathe... Breathe deep... Inhale.... Exhale.... Repeat

 Might sound so easy. Right? I mean if we didn't do it we wouldn't be alive.  Except I wasn't breathing. And in many places I had ceased to live. Really live... Really Breathe

I couldn't remember when  the last time I had  stopped and taken a purposeful breath, or when had I  paid attention to how shallow I was breathing. 

 SO right now.  Pause.... Pause right now.. Get into a comfortable position.  Sit. Sit still. Still your mind and your body.  Wait a minute.. OK.. at least 30 seconds..

Now .... Now take a deep breathe in from your nose... Hold it..... Slowly let it out...A teacher of mine would say that one is to breathe deeply and intentionally 3 times every 31 minutes.  I might not make it every 31 minutes, but throughout the day; I stop, pause, and take three deep breaths.  If something is stressful or I am not sure how I would really like to respond... I stop, pause and take a few deep breaths.  My mind feels clearer. My soul feels steadier. My body feels more at ease.


2) Seriously now... After breathing... Here is the number 2 absolute favorite thing yoga has taught me.... When things get hard........................... Smile ........ Smile big ...

I hear it in my head now and this I have to say has revolutionized my life.  When I remember this one (maybe even more than breathing..lol) my life is soooooo sooooo sooooo  much better.

On the mat... when the pose gets hard and my ego wants to get it right, and get it "right" without having to make any modifications... oh the ego dies hard.  I take a deep breathe in and I put a smile on my face and even let myself fall out of my attempt. I give myself a break. I smile. Take myself less seriously....Surprisingly enough... actually once the smile is on my face, the posture is seemingly easier...

Off the mat this has been amazing for my soul and for my daily life.  I feel like a different person.  I will actually just use the word "smile," as a mantra on some days and it is AMAZING at what that does.... Well, Mims what if it isn't a "smiling" kind of moment. Oh, there is an essence to this that transcends what the moment contains.

For instance, it is August 8, 2015... On August 8, 2014, I was in Rhode Island. On that day I was sitting next to a most precious person to my heart and my life. I could touch her still. I could look at her face. I could hear her voice.  On that day, while days were slipping away, I did think we still had many more days.

Today has been a hard day.

This morning I sat and thought that in less than three weeks, I will touch a day that will mark the one year passing of my most beautiful auntie. A woman who was my person.  A woman who could make you definitely smile and certainly calm your heart. She was a strong and beautiful and immense human being. Her absence has stolen my breath and knocked me in the gut pretty significantly.

But  this morning as  I sat, and I breathed .. exhale  one... two.. three.... four.... inhale one... two... three. four... Tears would slip down my face but a smile would emerge as I looked up into the clouds and closed my eyes and let the smile sooth my soul.

Smile... Smile when the posture is hard, smile when life is hard... smile. It is a stance that as I have brought into practice I have been stunned by the transformation of self.  I am more at ease in my own skin.  I am less tightly wound. There's something about it....

Don't take my word for it.... Put it into practice...ON and OFF the mat... Smile more... Walk around with a gleam in your eye and a smile on your heart and face. Watch what happens inside. 

3) It isn't always hard... "Lie on a bolster and breathe." Sometimes you have to go easy on yourself... This is good for you.. And very good for your ego. (OK.... very good for my ego) and my body and my soul and my mind .... you get it... :)

There are a couple classes  that I make time for during the month even if I can't weekly.  They are what I affectionately call.... "Lie on a bolster and breathe class".. aka Restorative Yoga.(So excited for this to be my next modular of training.. I believe in this modality of yoga practice.) There  simply are not the words. I won't even try to explain what this one hour does for me.  A) I don't leave feeling like I worked up a sweat = ego thinking if schedule is tight it is the class I can miss.  (FYI ego is wrong... If life schedule is tight this is the one class I shouldn't miss!)

The body, the mind, the soul... needs to lie on a bolster and breathe and feel supported. Give yourself a break. 

4)When you want to look to the left or to the right and compare.. close those eyes... This is your practice.. aka your life... Live and enjoy
Perhaps one of my favorite statements in yoga class. "This is your (YOUR) practice."  It is mine!  Compare not... There will always be someone whose body is more fit, there will always be someone whose body is less fit, there will always be a yogi/yogini in class who can move their body in the most magnificent of ways, there will always be a first time student or a beginner or someone just trying to do their best.

Close your eyes if you have to... this is the moment where it gets to be about you... MAKE SURE YOU TAKE THIS ONE OFF THE MAT!!!!!  Make moments where in life you live your life. Compare not.  It is deadly. That stinking thinking will only mess with your heart and your mind and everything else.  Find a mantra... Oh, I know! How about ... "SMILE!"  Just that as your mind wanders as it will as do your eyes... close eyes and repeat after me... "SMILE!"  "SMILE!" "SMILE!"

5) Sometimes you just can't do something... modify..... There's always a way.. Give yourself options.. Modify!

I'm pretty spoiled. I have great teachers who know all kinds of tricks. Whether it is using a prop; such as a strap or a bolster or a block or a blanket modifications rule.  Not to the ego but that thing needs to go anyway....  It has taken me a while to be really ok with when I need a block or a strap.  Oh, I've used it.. BUT my mind and those gremlins. Except that is what modifications are for... and I wish that in life grabbing a block or strap or some other "prop" would be so easy.

When I just can't do something.. a question, that can be substituted into my being instead of berating myself, is what can I do? And is there something that can help me? Find the something or someone and ask... Ask for help...

My yoga training had a lot... and I mean A LOT of Breath of Fire... and I sucked at it...  So finally I just spoke up... A) I wasn't the only one who had questions and B) it felt exposing at first and amazing after I got over myself.....

When in life something just can't be done ... ask yourself what can and go do that.... and ask for help and support along the way....  Blocks and bolsters and straps and blankets come in all shapes and sizes... Friends and family and teachers and peers and therapists.... You might have to ask or get up and go get one from the "prop" wall but make the effort (both on and off the mat) it does wonders.

I might spend hours in the studio but I live off the mat.... That life on and off is expanding and I am full of joy and wonder and awe ... OH... and smiles and breathe and new friends and loads of support......

When unsure... When full of questions...
Breathe....Lie on a bolster...Get Support, Smile.... Relax  and breathe..........

To be more myself every day...... (thank you S.A. deepest gratitude to you too)

For every one hundred voices of fear that would scream at me to stop, it takes just the one that says, "thank you," that fans a flame that will decide to not be quenched.

Do not think me more courageous then you.
Understand .. oh, please.. thoroughly understand... that it is you.. that it is I .. that is us together that will feed one another's hunger.... That it is the promise of Spirit that whosoever hungers and thirsts for a life where right life and light exist will be fed. As Rumi once said, "Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray." We will sup at a table so large and full, and we will do so together, laughing and singing and smiling... Oh such a joyous revelry we will experience.

You see...... I am not just a commentator or an observer from afar.. sadly... All too sadly.
I have watched the cruelty of religion and the reality of a fear so insane imprison far too many.  Yet I have also tasted such a divine treat of light, laughter, and love.. that I will not negate that reality and allow cruelty to have any lasting victory.

So I have slowed down and yet I know that even beyond this pace there is slower. And I have touched a kindness that is riveting and yet I know that beyond this expression there is yet a deeper song.  I have heard a melody whose notes majestically merge a whisper and a shout  both into a symphony and a choir, and  whose beauty compels the soul towards freedom.  I have caught a glimpse of a love so vast and immense that when even coming infinitely closer to it I can barely comprehend it nor can I truly stand in its wake.

Then I come up for air. Out of the mystery. Out of the moment.  Many things happen. At times simultaneously. I am both in love more and challenged more.  I can stand and watch my cat play with a blade of grass, become enraptured in the joyous outburst of a six year old, scrub and clean the base of a toilet bowl.  That is the fruit I desire of any moment of spirit and love.  That I not long for such a repeat of the ethereal moment but that I take it and bring it into living a life that then echos it into the reality of others.

I  come back also to notes or messages or words of loving concern (at times) or out and out confusion or feelings of betrayal. I don't think there is an emotion or question that you feel or experience that I haven't.  You are not my nemesis. What I would say.. what it might have taken me weeks, months, years to come to to say.. IS it is ok for us to love the same Spirit and have it look vastly different. A journey I was accustomed to changed and was altered and I went upon an unexpected trail within the same woods, my friend, within the same woods.

 Maybe I am not called to walk upon the path or meet the people your life has for you to walk and maybe you aren't called to walk upon the path or meet the people my life has for me to walk.  That is ok.  You walk where you journey and I will walk where I journey, and we will smile at each other; for hopefully, within one another, while the expression might be vastly different, the joyous and powerful light remains the same.   My pattern is mine. Yours is yours. I trust in perfect love and am motivated to find its truest expression so that fear gets eradicated.  I know that that is your heart too... There are places we can journey together and there are places for each of us to go ...

But to the one who posted upon my page a thank you for being whatever conduit for you that opens breathe and life and you up to you... Know this.. You inspire me just the same.  Let us fuel one another and encourage those places in us that yearn, scream, ache, and cry for more.  Let us love radically without thought or concern and in so doing touch the perfected essence where fear is no more.  I earnestly believe this is what we are all called to and if we would love more than we would fear, if we would say yes and maybe more then we would say no and definitely not; then maybe... just maybe eternity's smile would find its placement upon our faces and that light would shine.

Ah... what a most fantastic thought.

Ahimsa... A question on a test birthed the question of a lifetime...

I quickly scanned question after question. I let  myself get a feel for what was before me, one test and a couple more assignments and my 200 hour yoga teacher certificate would be a reality.  My thoughts were so small. They were too small. They were about to be enlarged.  It would cease to be a test, a certificate, a "job opportunity," and it would be become a new starting point for life, for living.


There was this one question on the concept of ahimsa.  Easy enough. Right? No twelve part question upon that subject.  Just two sections presented.  Describe the concept and three ways you apply it to your life.  Pause. There was no yellow blinking light for caution or proceed slowly.  But I can't tell just yet if it was a green light or a red one.  There was most certainly both a definitive stop and a most elaborate go.

How do I apply ahimsa to my life?

First.. There is a simple definition that is anything
 but simple in its application.

A Sanskrit word; it means, cause no injury, do no harm, compassion.  D. Djenab, in an article on the subject, communicates it this way; "The essence of ahimsa is non-violence of our own heart."  When I read those words, answering the question of how I put this beautiful concept into reality became that much harder.  Oh, could I write about how I care about my animals, my home, the environment, others? Yes.  But I knew that this question upon this test was alive and speaking directly at me.

Answer it honestly, Mims Driscoll.  That was what the test was saying to me.  "Answer it honestly."  I was going to have to move forward and answer other questions.  Because the truest answer that at that moment that would have been written down was, "I don't."

I don't practice non-violence when it comes to self.  The foreign nature of the actual word, matched the foreign nature of the application to self.

My words, attitudes, thoughts if ever geared towards another would be hideous BUT towards self I allowed them.  If I, overhearing another ever speak to one as I often spoke to self, my mothering instincts, liken unto a bear, would be furious.  But not so towards myself.  Not so towards self-hatred, or criticism geared at how I did something or spoke something or wrote something.  A critical and judgmental stance towards myself was eating my heart alive, empowering fear and limiting my life in extreme ways.

The ricocheting of the question would touch and kiss another question that would be presented to me, "How does having that thought serve you?"  Within a recent conversation, I would be asked that question point blank.  How do thoughts that are destructive/violent in nature serve me?  What would it be like to pause, stop and then go?

What if I paused and captured the thought and called it intrusive instead of true?
What if I stopped and rerouted the train of thought onto another path that was exiting self not making a home at the station of my life?
What if I went ahead with a different thought?
What if the what ifs weren't of  catastrophe and disaster but what if the what ifs I let reside within me were of hope, light, life and dreams?
What if failure wasn't so scary? What if I could touch missing a mark as an opportunity to learn and not an indictment upon myself?
What would I then do?
What would I then be?

That traffic light I mentioned in the beginning..

It actually was all three colors...


Yellow--- Slow down enough to actually take account of what you are saying to yourself.  Slow down enough to actually realize how cruel to self we all can actually be.  Slow down enough to know that acquiring one more "whatever," at the expense of self and soul will never be worth it.

Red--- Stop! For me I was carrying on patterns that I hadn't even started.  I had allowed. But I was letting the thoughts and opinions of others dictate false truths. I was allowing fear to limit and constrict. I wasn't releasing myself to life's fullness because I was letting detrimental thoughts towards self and about self be true. I was believing all sorts of lies about myself.  What I realized is that they did serve a purpose though.  It was upon allowing that drop of water to touch a dry sponge like heart, that will begin a new flow.

Stop!  If I think that of myself (fill in the blank) it won't hurt so much if another thinks that too.  If I think that because of (fill in the blank) that I can't do thus and so, then when I can't or if I fail.. well, I knew all along I couldn't.  Having negative, violent thoughts about ourselves do serve us! In a limiting and horrifying way. But why else would we keep them around?

Green--- GO!!!! Go for it!!!! Live!!!  It doesn't mean there isn't fear or thoughts or doubts... It just means that the desire to GO and  to LIVE get to override those fears.  It means that the one step forward towards (fill in the blank for yourself) is taken. It means the thoughts and doubts don't override the decision to take the first step. It means you let the first step be the first step.  A first "hello," of sorts.  A first class, a first shared smile, a first meeting, a first try.... It means you keep going even if the first was hard or bad or you realized maybe that first isn't the first you want to have.

I don't know what your "gos" are going to be like but I can say my recent "first steps," my recent "GOs" have been amazing.  I have met new people, done new things, followed new passions, changed self thoughts and yes, I have begun to touch, taste, try ahimsa.....

I like how it fits on me.
I like how I smile more now.
I like that when the "gremlins" of thought come (as they always will) I have new abilities that are growing stronger and stronger to silence them.
I like how the days hold promise, challenge, struggle, victory, defeat and a dusting off and a getting up and a heart that says I am trying again.

So how are the ways I am practicing ahimsa... That answer causes not just a smile to spread across my face but to fill out my heart.

Mangaliso..... What Yoga Means to Me.

I was sitting in a room full of light and beauty, new friends coming in and going out.  The back doors had been spread wide open, a beautiful fragrant breeze was making its way into the space. A space that had been filled with laughter, tears, teaching, games, bodies, song, dance and yoga.  I had called this place home for a couple weeks, soon it would be ending.  Actually soon it would only be beginning.

I've written in the past about many a journey.  I have watched myself touch level after level of vulnerability. I have then discovered the immense lack of true vulnerability.  I have metered out what I wanted to say, still within my heart attempting to discover what this journey can be about.  I have touched more questions than answers. I've learned that most answers are fleeting. Walking with the questions is where the real journey lives.

Upon this day, I wanted a word.  I wanted a word. A Zulu word to be exact.  I had met this vibrant and beautiful South African woman.  Her smile lit up any room she stepped into, her spirit immense, her strength a wonder.  I wanted a word for life.  A word that would embody a concept that would capture energy, light, truth, beauty and wonder.

I will never forget when the sounds danced off her tongue.  "Mangaliso!"  I asked her to repeat it numerous times.  It is such an immense sound.  The meaning of it will capture your heart and hopefully cause you to soar.  "You are an amazement."  Such a fabulous word! Such a delicious sound!  The reality of it penetrated my being as I sat with it.

Yes, this is what I will bring into my Spiritual Direction practice.  This is definitely what will form out the life of yoga within me and as I step into teaching.  To watch and view and hold each human being with the eyes that see" Mangaliso," in each and every one.

Tonight as I rested, I remembered a  vision, a story.  Not at all unique to me whatsoever.  There is a story in Ancient Hebrew text of a man named Ezekiel.  He took a journey with the One who had created man. One can read the story where it is said that the Creator bent down and taking a piece of earth breathed into it and man became. Breath!  Ezekiel would step upon other soil watching Creator once again breathe forth life back into the dryest of bones.

The story is found in a book baring his name, in the 37th chapter.  As I thought about the familiar story I found a new joy.  As I took a deep breath in and let the words of the story course over and into my being.  I found amazement.

In December 2014, I stepped upon a yoga mat for the first time.  Dry bones. Dry bones meeting new soil.  Dry bones being added to... Dry bones having muscle and life touching their frame once again.  Dry bones needing breath and having a new and fresh wind of Spirit blown into them.  I would come to the mat time after time.  I would bring my dry bones to sacred ground, my mat.  I would receive breath into my body.  Deeply into places that hadn't touched life and oxygen and breath for ions.

Within months I would say to my husband, "My body feels airier. I feel lighter, I feel more alive." I touched the reality that I had not breathed into my being, truly breathed into my being for far too long.

That Ezekiel passage reads like this:

The hand of the Lord was upon me, and He brought me out by the Spirit of the Lord and set me down in the middle of the valley; and it was full of bones. He caused me to pass among them round about, and behold, there were very many on the surface of the valley; and lo, they were very dry. He said to me, “Son of man, can these bones live?” And I answered, “O Lord God, You know.” Again He said to me, “Prophesy over these bones and say to them, ‘O dry bones, hear the word of the Lord.’ Thus says the Lord God to these bones, ‘Behold, I will cause breath to enter you that you may come to life. I will put sinews on you, make flesh grow back on you, cover you with skin and put breath in you that you may come alive; and you will know that I am the Lord.’”
 
So I prophesied as I was commanded; and as I prophesied, there was a noise, and behold, a rattling; and the bones came together, bone to its bone. And I looked, and behold, sinews were on them, and flesh grew and skin covered them; but there was no breath in them. Then He said to me, “Prophesy to the breath, prophesy, son of man, and say to the breath, ‘Thus says the Lord God, “Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe on these slain, that they come to life.”’” So I prophesied as He commanded me, and the breath came into them, and they came to life and stood on their feet, an exceedingly great army.

I will never forget those first days and weeks, when time after time I would bring my body into a beautiful space with  beautiful people.  The question that was reverberating deeply in my own heart echoed Ezekiel's words... "Can these bones live?"  I needed breath to enter me so that I could come back to life.  Places in my heart and life had had a metaphoric slaying. The breathe wouldn't be metaphor.  

There is power in breath.  There is dignity in a body. There is beauty in essence and light that make up humanity.  I would touch Namaste.  I would touch Sat Naam. I would feel breath and strength and light and love and Spirit touch my body and empower life to reenter dry bones.

This journey has been walked forward. It has not been without tears and sorrow but it has also had the most immense joy and strength and life.  Yoga has brought Mangaliso into my days and into my life and into me.... 

 I have been reminded that I am an amazement.  I am light. I am strong. 

 Yoga has awoken my eyes to the light and beauty in each one I pass, see, journey next to and love.  People.. humanity stands simply and profoundly as an amazement.  The reality of us all is that the light in each one of us is amazing and offering that light and life and breathe to one another brings dry bones back to life. 

 Ever so grateful for each one who has walked alongside me in this journey.  Each one.. all have added.  Those that have understood and cheered me forward and those that have carried concern and wonderment of what this process actually was.  I am not being coy here... nor am I being flippant.  Each one who has understood, attempted to understand or has journeyed with their own struggle... You.. each of you are an amazement to me.... The beauty of yoga and this life is that the light that grows strong in me recognizes and honors and cherishes the light that is beautiful and grows strong in you... 

Sat Naam... Means I see the essence of that which you are.. The truth of your name.. The truth of your being... You are seen. I am seen. Let's discover together the beauty and wonderment and live amazed.