You owe it to yourself.... 3 months in (How fast time flies)

How fast time flies...

A quarter of year has been lived. I started, A Year Without Fear, twelve weeks ago.  I let out one of those puff smiles. A puff of air releases forth from my lips. My soul saying, "Wow."

When I think of twelve weeks ago, when I think of today; I marvel.  I marvel at the life I have lived.  I marvel that I have lived. I have lived much life in the last twelve weeks.  I have stepped forward again and again. I have been thrown back only then to pick myself back up, stepping forward even if the rate was infinitesimal.

I started thinking I would make lists each week of what this year was like each week.  Except I then didn't want this project to be about me, my list.  Standing one quarter of the way through it isn't lists I want to give you.  It isn't my experience I want to give you. 

What I want to say is this... Time will pass.  We will all live another quarter of a year. We will all live another twelve weeks.  I have lived many sequences of twelve weeks.  August 16, 2015; my oldest daughter was turning 15. That's enough to put fear into the heart of anyone.  I had been doing soul work. I had been seeing all the places fear hindered me, I didn't want that hindrance any more. 

Standing under a tree I began my first private yoga therapy session with two new clients.  I didn't know what I was doing.  I mean I knew the yoga poses. I knew what I wanted for these individuals. I was also meeting them for the first time. I was also finding my way onto new territory for the first time.  I am now over a dozen sessions in, I don't feel the same way.  I taught chair yoga for the first time. I taught gentle yoga for the first time. I had yoga students for the first time. First times equal one thing more than anything else. First times are just that first times. 

I had been used to standing upon the strength, experience and expertise of two plus decades. I had been used to being the teacher and director. I had been used to knowing what I was doing. You know how terrifying it is to give that up? What it feels like to start all over again, without the assurance or certainty that there really is something to start, can truly produce fears of all sort. Fear of looking foolish. Fear of failing. Fear of doing something wrong. Fear of humiliation. Fear of not knowing the way. Fear of being asked a question and knowing that the answer doesn't lie confidently within.

These twelve weeks I have had more firsts then maybe in the last twelve years. While I might be exaggerating, I don't think I am.  So here's the deal. When you step into a project such as mine, making either a private or public agreement that there will be journaling, that there will be blogging; that there will be some form, however loose, of marking time.  That there will be a taking of the temperature if you will. There will be a constant motivation towards overcoming fear. There will be acknowledgements of failure, success, times of petering out. 

I have set before myself that this year will be different. There are things I want out of life. Time will never come to start, if we just don't start... jump in, begin! Time moves onward and onward. How many times have I said I will do this, I will read that book, I will start that program, I will learn, I will, I will, I will and fill in the million blanks that never get done. 

I wanted this year to be different. I wanted to begin to do and become all of those things that I've wanted to do and become.  I wanted to stop thinking that I would begin tomorrow, because that tomorrow never comes.  So I started today. I made every day the day I start. 

I found a new place to do chair yoga this past week. I simply saw the place. I had fliers for a chair yoga class I was already doing. I drove up the driveway. I parked my car. I grabbed fliers and business cards and what I needed. I walked in. I asked to talk to the programs manager. I shook hands. I opened my mouth. I talked about the chair yoga class I was already teaching. I was asked would I be willing to teach one weekly at said location. 

If I had never driven up the driveway. Heck, before that if I had killed the thought. If I hadn't allowed the thought to go and ask and give them a flier. If I had allowed the voices of fear to say any number of things, I wouldn't have driven up that drive, extended a handshake, opened my mouth.. gotten the job.  There is nothing I am doing that anyone of you can't do... It might not be yoga, it might not be spiritual direction, it might not be yoga therapy. Those are my things. But what is yours? Might you fail? YES.. that is a given.
I promise you that if you try what your heart dreams of you will fail here and you will fail there, but I will also tell you that as long as that failure or "no, thank you," doesn't get the best of you you CAN'T FAIL. 

I have laughed more, loved more, cried more, accomplished more, known myself more, challenged myself more, asked more questions, met more people and this list could go on and on for the last twelve weeks then in any other sequencing of twelve weeks.  This is your day. This is your time. What will your Year Without Fear look like?  Take the first step.

Commit to taking an assessment of your life...
Where are you?
Where do you want to be?
What do you want in a week? A month? Three months? A half of a year? 3/4 of a year? A year?
Can you let yourself dream? Why? Why not?
Assess your strengths? Know your weaknesses.  Where do you need help?
What are your fears? What are the things that you think will hinder you?
What are your desires?
Begin to talk about them. Begin to journal. Begin... simply that... JUST BEGIN...

You will be telling me in twelve weeks all the amazing things that have happened for you!  Just take the step... Take the assessment. Take a walk. Get real honest with yourself. No one else is looking. Get the help you need. Begin.  Don't wait for tomorrow. That age old adage is true. The tomorrow that you will begin will never come. Start today.

Recovering from trauma... You can do this..

What happens when step by step you keep stepping?  Well, some days amazing things happen. But you know what? Some days you step in a pile of shit. It is what you keep doing after that.

There's been this journey I've been on for... well, for a life time! I'm  thinking though that  I've actually just begun to show up. The truth of the matter is I've been learning all along how to show up tiny step by tiny step.  The complexities of life and living are such that we all hope that one day (and fill in the blank). Seriously.. what's the statement you tell yourself ... One day when (and fill in the blank).  That that day will come and all will be resolved. So many make so much money telling us so... But I'm not telling you so.

I'm not here to be the cheerleader and say something like, "THIS IS THE DAY!" Maybe it isn't for you.  Maybe somehow telling yourself "one day when...." (and fill in the blank). serves you some how.  Maybe you aren't ready for the next next step.  That has to be ok.  Hear me.. I'm not mocking here.  So many self-help gurus shouting at us to do this or do that and each one of those things is a magical pill. I'm saying there is no magical pill.  It will eventually take you stepping into life, realizing that maybe some magical "one day," isn't really what is going to happen... But maybe each tiny step leads you to that day when some magical things do happen.  Upon that journey you will take five steps forward and then a day will come when you are thrown a mile back.

That too is ok...  

When we hear statements like "This is your day!" Or any one of the million self help prophecies out there, and there are millions, it gets exhausting and discouraging.  We wait and wait and wait around for something to happen. When nothing spectacular happens we feel like we missed something, lost out on something, or worse.. Did something wrong and so thus and so didn't happen.

I'll tell you a secret. Spectacular things are happening all around you, and while you wait they go unnoticed and unseen and unappreciated.  That the sun rises every day is pretty spectacular. That people find ways to smile in a world that can be pretty harsh most of the time is pretty spectacular. That people face getting up day after day, when the days can be long and hard but something in them just won't let them quit though everything in them wants to.. that's pretty spectacular.

I'll tell you another secret.  There is no winning.  NOT REALLY. Life really is a journey. WE aren't kind to ourselves or each other.  We don't give each other time to let things be sorted out, to let things just happen, to allow for growth and healing and process. We keep unearthing seedlings to look and see if any growth has happened and we end up killing the process and the seedlings.

Recovering from trauma takes time. That might suck and not be what you want to hear. But it is true.  Letting your body, your psyche, your spirit, your emotions, your heart, your mind, your breath heal takes time.  Rushing through it will only cause harm.  Give yourself and others the gift of time. Show up as much as you can today.  Try. Take a breath maybe slightly deeper then you did yesterday. Just think about trying it out.

Time
Rest
Quiet
Stillness

Maybe you have never known calm. Maybe it will take a year for your body to relax within a moment of silence to feel what calm can really feel like. Are you really not going to give yourself a chance?  You can do this.. Step by tiny step. You can give yourself permission to heal.  It is ok, that you can not do today what you thought you needed to.. Now this isn't permission to then not get up off your ass ever... I don't think that is the problem most of the time. Most of the time I think the harshest judge and critic live right inside your heart and mind and that you need to take time to meet them and look at them and hear them and then decide are those really the voices you want to be listening to?

I'm serious.. just ask my therapist. I came to her and on our first day together I said something like this.. "I sit where you do for lots of people.  I can't do it for myself. I make a living out of seeing things and really seeing things and helping people along their paths. I am blind for myself. So I need you to help me see those blind spots. " My expectation was we would meet twice a week for a few months and I'd be good to go.  I was very very wrong.  And at one point, she therapeutically put into my life only seeing each other once a week.  I was on a race with what I do not know. Maybe the demons of the past were chasing my ass down the freeway of life, except nothing was free.

Time was taken from you. If you are healing from trauma then time was stolen from you in one way or another.. don't let it keep be stolen.

I had bought an animal totem of a turtle.. Just a small stone turtle to keep in my hand or a pocket, to hold and remind myself often that life as a turtle has its benefits... But within a month of having that thing I lost it.. Silly me it was too small and I was still going to fast to make sure I had kept it safe.  Next there was a necklace with a turtle on it that I could put around my neck. However it didn't go with everything and I like to accessorize and so it wasn't working.  You know what I did?  I got one tattooed upon my right shoulder. YUP!  A turtle in a bright and pretty blue, reminds me every day to take it slow, take it easy, pace myself and even know it is ok to go into the shell every now and then.  When recovering from trauma it is a given.

You can do this... And doing "this" isn't huge spectacular moves and break throughs. It is showing up as much as you can, when you can, being gracious to yourself, letting yourself have room to breath, giving yourself grace to learn how to live in your body, with your self and in this life.  You can do this... Not because so big self help guru is yelling in your face, but because look at what you have already done!  You can do this... because you can and doing it means doing it the way you can, how you can, when you can ...

Again I will quote some of the most amazing words my therapist ever said to me..

In your time
At your pace
As it should be 

My Yoga/ Christian Journey : When There is a Void ... I Pray.. Let There Be Light

As I said, I have  never planned out a blogging sequence. That is until now.

I can feel in my gut that there is something missing.  A portion, an articulation, an essence of which, desires to find expression.  I am not so brash as to say I have the fullness of  such a thing.  I do believe I am a pilgrim upon a journey of discovery.  I do believe, that as I walk this narrow dusty path that which I behold is bringing transformation.  I do believe, that there are people, places and postures along the way that have much to teach me and are teaching me much.

I begin with this posture.
I begin in this place.

I humbly come before my God, who I believe created me in the very heart beat of His essence.
I humbly come before you, who I believe I am connected to... Holding the high priestly prayer of Christ so close to my heart. The reality of Oneness.  Oneness of all things and of all people... I read the words of one of His last earthly prayers and am so moved by His hunger for humanity to understand our Oneness with each other and with the Divine.

This... this posture is the one I begin this intentional conversation within.....
Humbly coming... laying all that I think I thought I knew down and uttering an expression .. In my knowing I did not know and now that I do not know I am beginning to know.

In the beginning of all things there is a story and as it goes, there was void and things were formless and Spirit hovered .... There was no form. There was void and there was darkness.

When chaos and void and darkness reign what do we need?
Spirit to Hover.
Spirit to be engaged.
Light

When chaos reigns in our hearts, in our bodies, in our minds what do we need?
We need to find a greater order, we need to find light and peace and yes.. Spirit!

Let there be light.............

Light brings that illumination through which we see.

Was that "let there be light," a big bang of instant spoken word from Divine Creator sparking a revolution of beauty and wonder and fullness?  Did that expression of let there be light bring forth a wonderment and awe and revelation?  An expression that says chaos can be brought to higher order, voids can be made full, and darkness can be eradicated by light.

As is true for the natural world, so is true for the human life... the human heart.

Let there be light... Let a greater order by which we can see come and fill that which was once empty and dark.  May we learn from the void, the darkness, and the emptiness and touch fullness, light and creativity.

What came after the utterance of light was a burst of creative power and expression, exploding time and time again. This expression kept expanding and expanding as the ever widening circle of reality went from good to very good and then to holy.

Creative expression in the form of the water, land, sky, earth, creature filled the space as did human. Clay was taken into hands and breath was added. Breath!!!!  Very good was declared. Clay was formed into substance. Clay was formed. A body became.  A body became and was still until the breath came.  Then there was life.

Light. Creativity and fullness. Body. Breath... In the beginning of all things, as it is written in ancient Hebrew texts. We weren't left to be floating spirits without a body. We were given the gift of body. Body is house and temple and can be home. (More on that subject..lots more on that subject to come.)

Then came holy.  What is holy?  The very first thing that the Creator ever pronounced as being holy was rest.
Sabbath and rest and trust would become the crux of the journey between God and that which He spilled His image into, us! 

So in the proverbial beginning and in this beginning I see so much  to lay a foundation upon.

Spirit ... energy, vibration, frequency, sound, light, breath
Voids being made full with creative wonder
Rest being enacted as an act of holiness.

Yoga comes from a Sanskrit word, a derivation of the word yuj, which means yoking as in a team of oxen. Another way to read and understand it is to think of union.  The practice of yoga is said to be for the union of body, mind and spirit. In the creation account that I know Christians and Hebrews look towards there is that union.  The divine yokes His essence with Creation, calling things good, very good and holy.  In all essence in the beginning there was the yoking together, the union of The Divine Presence, Creation, woman and man, light, breath, energy....

There is nothing in that list that is separate or other than what I find in the very heart beat and practice of yoga.  A space created for me to step into, to discover the void within, to strengthen and feel the strength of my body that houses me, (We are now the Temples of the Spirit.... I find that as much in New Testament reading as I do in other sacred texts.) to grow in awareness of my need for breath and movement and to bring alignment with all that I am into a space that will help focus my mind upon whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is good. I am told to think upon such things. The practice of meditation and yoga brings together a peace and a stability within so that I can grasp a hold of the peace that passes all understanding and bring that off the mat and into my life.

  I wouldn't start my yoga practice until December 2014, however in July of 2014 I was asking within the pages of my journal that I would be led into a deeper understanding of the body, mind and spirit connection.  I could feel the pull of something upon my soul, yet knew not what it was and then came the practice of yoga.  There was such an intense hunger within to touch understanding.  Why a body? What does it mean that we have a body? How can I be more fully in my body? What is my soul, my mind, me? What is my Spirit? How do the three come together?

Void met form
Breath met dry bones
Light entered my eyes and my soul igniting my spirit and brought deep life into my body 
Rest was found

The practice of yoga isn't to be made christian but a Christian can do yoga.
The practice of yoga isn't Buddhist but a Buddhist can do yoga.
The practice of yoga isn't Hindu but a Hindu can do yoga.

The practice of yoga transcends the specific expression of any one religion and can be as varied as there are people. Some use the straight forward posture driven practice to grow strength and be more present within their own bodies. Others incorporate a more meditative stance.

Step by step....  I take this journey.
Finding an articulation that is expansive and inclusive and rings true and lives in union with all that I know of the Lord's nature and character.  There is nothing I see in the beginning of all things that would deny the basis of holding a yoga practice deep into my heart and my life. There is nothing I see in the beginning of all things that says I must first call something "christian" before it can be holy or safe or "right."   I see there was a void. I see Spirit hovered and then after the passage of time spoke and came energy (What is light?), creative power and humanity full of breath......

A year without fear.... Week 3: Habits are forming and fun is being found

This morning I got up early, grabbed my car keys and made my trek to Heritage Park.

I pulled into the gravel parking lot and paused as I sat in my car.  I love this place. I love watching the sun rise..  Sundays mark the transition to a new week.  They are the perfect reminder for me to pause, and remember that seven more days have passed.  Another week has been lived. The journey is taking on steam.

WEEK 3 BEGINS!!!!

They say it takes 21 days to build a habit....
My new habit... Well, it is actually living a life I would want to and showing up to said life as the me I would want to be/become.

I don't always bring my journal to my outings.  There are times I just want to sit quietly without pen and paper. However today felt like a day to carry along the pages that hold my heart's truest expression.

Sitting among the grass, the rocks, the sky, the colors, the morning my heart took flight.

My first sentence reverberated a sentiment that began years ago.. That statement that began to ricochet throughout my entire being.  "I can't do this anymore."  I've written about that time in many other posts.  Again, not wanting to live from a place of negativity I set out to discover what then I could do, what then I wanted to do.

The first sentence I wrote today; "I didn't want the life I was living. I didn't really know what I wanted. BUT I admitted the truth to myself."  That was a huge step.  To allow myself to hear myself. To allow my heart to really speak, not that which it was programmed to through life and religion but what it really wanted to say... Myself would be my first audience, a trusted few my second.. the world my third!

I realized how much I had pushed that expression down because of fear... but I let the most secret of desires become the  slightest of whispers  and smile now as they become liken more unto a shout, song. A truer reverberation of my soul.

The joy and trepidation I feel these days, at times equally, eventually do bring a smile to my face. The what ifs try to taunt.. What if I fail? What if I can't do this? What if it everything just is a flop? But I'm now getting really good at turning those what ifs around!  What if I can do this? What if I succeed? What if everything soars?  Those have their own places to adjust towards.  But the energy and vitality that those what ifs create versus the wet blanket syndrome of the other what ifs, I'll take any day.

Have you started yet?  Are you working of the "Days before the Year without Fear?"  What do you do?

1. Pause and Get Quiet. What are the whispers of your heart that want to be heard? What life would you want to be living?  Listen to me... Not all the answers are going to be grandiose. They better not be :)  Simple and small steps, cultivating the seeds of hope and new life, listening to the soul's song and hearing it's melody. That is a huge first step.
2. Find Some Trusted People.  Not all my peeps in this arena were "old friends."  Actually some of them were very new to my life.  Be Honest With Yourself.  (And others as you can)  Honesty crushes fear. I remember the days sitting in the office of an episcopal priest. (A new faithful friend) as I could say things and ask questions that didn't rock his world though they were creating very high scores on the Richter Scale in mine. What? Find people who your new doubts, fears, discoveries, questions won't affect.  The people in my immediate sphere couldn't or wouldn't always handle the questions I wanted or needed to ask,  my changes and challenges were too close to home.  Find those who really can be objective. The people who have nothing to gain and nothing to lose from changes and challenges in your life.
3. Take The First Steps.  Be open to the fact that they might not always be what you might think they are... Sometimes it is just sitting with a "new friend," asking the hard questions that are coursing through your frame. Sometimes it is taking that first step, meeting that new person, going to a new group meeting.  Sometimes it is just journaling and being more honest with yourself then maybe you ever have, even in your very own journal.  
4. Keep Walking...  There will be days that you might feel like Lot's wife.  She looked back and turned to salt.  Let me tell you looking back won't turn you into salt. And there is actually a lot to say about this. But for now be aware nostalgia takes on different forms. When the world starts to change (even in small ways), you might think it was better before you started out upon your journey.  It wasn't. Find the place within or the good friend that will remind you.  As the song 2am, aka Breathe, says you are just as far in as you are out... KEEP WALKING!!!!  It will get better. And then it won't. Then it will.  Then it won't. But then it will and you will begin to discover that though it has its ups and downs, living the more true expression of your life is a life worth living then any shadow of such a thing.
5. Laugh, Cry, Shout................. (or Journal)  Feel and express and keep notes....  I have a journal for last July.. The first page has this desire upon it.. "I want to know more about the Body, Soul, Spirit connection.) On July 16, 2014 I hadn't even started yoga. I had begun to walk more true to a spiritual journey that was laying its claim upon my life, but I hadn't taken physical steps away from that which I didn't want to do anymore. I was beginning to count and understand the personal cost of what my journey forward might entail, I really had no clue.  But having a journal to go back to and smile at and realize how far I have come upon the journey... brings both smiles and tears.  It also brings courage.

So for this week... here is just a brief overview of some of my steps of breaking away from a fearful life and finding a life that's full....

I admitted I was good at something in front of someone. I heard my own voice and heart be willing to say, I can do this... That takes more courage then one might think.  At the same time allowed myself to be taught.  Continued to admit I wanted something different, though the continued cost bears down upon me at times in ways that I can't fully fathom stealing my breath away.  I remind myself to find my breath!  Asked an awkward question that showed I didn't really understand a response I got but got the answer I needed and it was all ok.  Stepped closer and closer to my dream. (Sent out a recording to my mentor of me teaching some yoga students.)  AND.....  Last week I face the week and day that marked the one year anniversary of my beloved Auntie passing away.... Folks if that is all I did last week that would have been more than enough... But amidst memories flooding of in, recapping events of the year past, I would show up to life and live.....

So stepping into week 3... I have my list of things I  am going to do and I am also aware that surprises are always upon the path... Here's to facing the known and the unknown

A year without fear continues........................................

Trust yourself...

I smiled.  I have learned something.

Many years ago, I wanted to learn about a specific subject.
I sat quietly. I fasted and meditated. I leaned into that which I wanted to know.

But then there was another voice. An interior place, that spoke and reminded me of another man, who had spent more time and was very well known in regards to his understanding upon the subject that I wanted to know.

I bought a tape series. (Yes, I date myself)

I felt Spirit tell me not to listen.
But convinced that this man knew more and held deeper wisdom I placed each tape in to my car.

When all was said and done. When the last words were listened to, Spirit came back to me and spoke and shared the heart beat of my God.  Because I would rather be taught by men, there would be a season now where that was what I would get. Holy Spirit's voice would go silent for a season.  Why?  There was nothing upon those tapes that I hadn't learned from spending quiet time and being in the Presence of God.  I had learned. I just had not trusted.  I had heard. I just wouldn't believe.

In this season of overcoming fear, and living a life I had once only dreamed of being slightly possible, I am stepping out and learning to trust myself.  Learning to trust the intuition that hundreds have trusted.  I am learning to trust it for myself.

So it came upon me to glean from the teachings of another man.  And I am NOT saying that that is never in the cards of life. Learning from each other and the wisdom we each hold is a precious gift.  Upon this season, I could feel Spirit watching and waiting.  I put the down the book. I spent the time. I was quiet. I was still. I began to know for myself.  Then it was ok to read the book. I smiled and I cried.  My personal lessons were enhanced by the author's words.  But it was already living deep within.

Step by step.. I'm learning to trust... Try it.... We are told that if we cease our striving we will know, and if we are still we will know. But we live in a society that says there are experts to be trusted beyond your own voice.  What I am saying and what I know first hand, is that most of those "experts," making a living off of your doubt.  Be courageous and trust that you will know when to lean into being still and ceasing striving after and when you will need the words of another.  Trust, trust and grow... trust and grow strong....

It is certainly a most amazing feeling. Be not afraid.. You are amazing... Get to know yourself.... Listen to your voice.. hear your heart beat.. Believe and trust and know....

A year without fear.... Week 2 begins

FEAR: BE AFRAID..... BE VERY AFRAID... 
(the voice of the emotion)

It's gruesome. It's raw.  We don't want to look at unpleasant pictures.

This picture spoke the most to me as I searched for one to begin the week.
What does fear do?

It mutes us.

I wish I could find a picture, maybe I'll hire a model and take one myself. The image I would create would be a person sitting on a chair with hands and feet and mind bound. Not just mouth covered with tape.  Maybe a person's whole body.  Fear paralyses.

There are very legitimate reasons.
I understand. I do....
Fear screams that our options are limited, that we are going to fail, that we will be humiliated, that we can't really do it, why bother trying, a million what ifs (and they all end badly).  Fear takes its toll upon a person.  No longer standing straight and tall, being able to make eye contact. Fear doesn't just affect the mind. It robs the soul. It suffocated the spirit. It grounds and creates the flightless bird.

Challenge for week 2: Look at pictures of fear.  Look at it. Get to know it. Feel it within yourself.  How can you overcome an enemy (and that is what fear is) if you do not know it.  My husband and I have taught an advanced class to Empaths, Seers, Intuitive people etc, while the title is simple the material is not.  We call it the Advanced Seer Course. The material takes the empath and walks them through what virtues and vices feel like, look like, sound like, smell like and taste like.  Sounds a bit odd but in the end, the empath leaves the class more able to understand what it is that they are feeling and sensing within any specific atmosphere.

Understanding fear. Knowing what it feels like when its upon your mind and your body, your soul and the very essence of you, will always be helpful in breaking away and moving into freedom.

Admittedly very cliche but I would rather equip myself on how to be more like the little blue engine that could then have myself staring at a mountain afraid and immobile.

............................................................................................................

THE JOURNEY.... Making it Personal. Becoming real

The journey of week 1:  Small ways are not insignificant.  They can be more impacting then stomping on the head of fear in a large and demonstrative way.  I stepped into my week not expecting to go bungee jumping every day, or run ten miles (although for you that might have been it.) You see that would be my natural inclination.  Do it big. Defeat fear in large ways. Making it splashy and extroverted and cool.  But my largest journey against fear is a very personal one.  The largest question is will I let the real Mims Driscoll live? Will I discover who that is and then be true to who I really am?  Will I quietly live afraid inside while living this life on the outside that onlookers think is full of courage and strength?  Will the most authentic me show up when everything in me is screaming to hide?

This week the answer to that question was more a YES, than a NO.  This week I learned deep things about myself and shrugged off the voices of others, who have said.. I'm this and I'm that or I'm not this or that anymore.  This week I would say that 84.5% I answered the call of the day and lived as me.

So my ten this week:

1) I posted in a blog post a picture, that not even some of my closest friends of the last couple years, had ever seen of me. A picture, of myself, that I wish did not exist.  But that I use as a place of inspiration. A picture I now use as a remembrance. A remembrance that when I set my heart upon something I can achieve. A picture that isn't just for me but that has spoken to you and was needing to come out of the closet.  No more shame for who I used to be or what I used to look like.  No more humiliation, no more hiding.  It's been a journey to get to where I am and it is a journey in front of me.... each step has held a piece. This was a significant one to share.

2) I modified (aka admitted I couldn't do something) in a yoga class.  It started with strep, continued with a virus that just kept on ticking.  But beyond physical weakness and limitations, I found myself in a yoga class that I had to leave. Literally got turned around, thinking it was the room. Nope.. it was me. Found my mat. Rolled it up and walked out.  (Touched the first yoga class I couldn't power through or even go to child's pose to finish).  Another class... had to modify with blocks, blankets, and bolsters. The brilliant aspect to it all was I stood, sat and laid down and listened to my body. No, I can't do this today.. no, it doesn't say all that I could hear it saying.  I'm not strong enough. I am actually stronger than I've ever been because I listened to what my body needed and responded to my needs.  THIS... on and OFF the mat is changing my life.

3) This isn't a slight to anyone.  John Wimber used to say his detractors were his favorite people. They kept him honest he would say....  So #3.  Learning to arise with grace and appreciation to those who have a very different way of looking at my life and yoga journey.  This week in (its #5) releasing a brand to actually describe that which I am doing set off a new round of comments and expressions.  Taking it in stride.  Allowing my emotions to be what they are and my thoughts to be what they are and allow others to have their journey and their thoughts and walk in grace humbly with each other.  This is becoming a life long goal.  While it is personal. It isn't personal. While some of the comments can sting. They only do so if I let them. They can not control my response. I do that.  So make it what I want it to be... Full of grace, smiles, and perspective.

4) This is just a fun one. A hard one but a fun one.  There are people I do yoga every day with.  I see their faces. Then we go to our own practice and out towards our own lives.  But there are a few and have been some that capture my heart.  Some amazing friendships have formed. New ones are forming.  But they start with a "hi" after class, or an introduction while walking to the cars.  I did several of those first "hi" moments and asking for coffee this week. It felt great to be getting to know new people and hearing about them and their lives and their story. Fear would say a million things here if you let it. Fear loves isolation.  But whats the worst that can happen? I mean really....  Saying hi, sharing a smile... asking someone who you've seen for months for a simple coffee... its great. And the diversity of people that I am meeting has filled and enriched my life immensely.  Loving my yoga community. It is a joy to be making their introductions.

5) Here it is... Stood up (not really but really) and said.. I have been living a life. I have talents. I have skills. I am more than capable in some areas. I am learning in others. I have been thinking about a dream for a long time.  NOW ITS TIME.  I am a spiritual director. I am growing in passion for yoga therapy as I have started to work with individuals within this realm. I am a teacher, a retreat leader, a woman, a creative being, and so much more. I have a song deep within me that I have whispered or suffocated. No longer....  In small ways I am letting it out  and in loud ways I find myself singing my song, hearing its reverberation through my body and into the air and surrounding atmosphere.

But what if you fail? What if it turns out to be nothing? Hey Gremlins... What if it turns out to be something? What if I add hard word to the dream and it emerges as a life?  What if I soar? What if I break through those storm clouds and create something that touches the lives of others?  Those are the "WHAT IFs" I'm entertaining these days.

Living Mangaliso... Had its birth this week!  It was hard to push that "go live," button. However it would have been harder not to..... Living Mangaliso is a passion of mine.  Mangaliso, a Zulu term, for "you are an amazement."  To live a life that pours out of its ever crevice the song that sings to others that they are an amazement is a life worth living.....  So LIVE it went...

6)Again a seemingly small victory over fear. But if you come from where I come from, you will quickly understand this one was probably the biggest.  Using the word Yoga over the word Movement.  I'm just going to leave this at that.  But this was an extremely large victory. One where I choose me and my truest expression over modification.  Sometimes its just what needs to be done.

7) Taught 1/2 a yoga class locally.  Oh you can do anything when you aren't in your home town. But step into your dream in the place where you live and it matters more.  This was it.... can I do this here? Can I teach adults and not just children or teens?  I knew I could. I did. I'll admit that. But wondered would the courage come out or would the nerves win out.  Throughout the day I went through the class in my head. Then all of a sudden, this small voice smiled within me and said... "You were made for this." SHIFT....  Something was different within.  FIND your own "you were made for this."  Journey until you do. Step outside comfort zone and anything you thought you would or wouldn't be. (This time last year I hadn't even ever taken a yoga class.) Pursuing my dream where I live .. this week that was huge... and it was an amazing feeling.

8) Stepped into a most honest communication and asked for something I really needed.  Fear was saying to me, don't bring it up. Fear was saying that I will lose. It felt a bit like getting on the proverbial plank to walk it out.I needed to ask a question.  Then I got an answer that was good but I could feel as minutes passed, as did a couple hours.. I needed more.  ( We have needs. I'm learning that that is ok. Nothing to be ashamed about. Hasn't always been my reality. But new ways are being written.)  I must say this interaction  was taking place within the confines of what has proven to be a very safe relationship.  Except there are always unknowns. Communication is a high value of mine.  In this journey away from fear, I've seen it as a most potent tool.  So I continued the conversation and opened my heart and risked.  Receiving an answer back that would hold me until further communication could be had.  I know myself. Without that last piece the weekend would have been looking very differently. Communicate. Oh just so you know. It wasn't the perfect articulation of just the right amount of words.  It was what I could do at the moment.  Step into what you can do in the moment. I'm learning it then grows.

9) Let myself rest.  Stepping into pursuing a dream can take long days and hours.  My body roared at me on Saturday that it still wasn't 100% and I needed to back off or it was going to quit on me on more than one level.  So as I grappled with the reality that the world didn't need to be spinning, that I could lay down and go horizontal for a while.. I listened.  Rest it was.  Once again listening to my body and not doing.  That is as much a victory for me as the stepping out.

10) I hate navigating the world of  marketing and networking.  Prior work experiences have somewhat ruined that world for me. Plus I so much prefer relationship and natural happenings to happen.  But there are people I would want to meet that my life doesn't organically cross paths with. This week I made a long list of those people; who I would like to meet with, talk to, and engage with.  I took that list and made phone calls and sent off emails. I'm beginning to have coffee with people I would have never met. I'm learning from them.  I'm grateful for their time.  I've learned I'm different. I'm learning that I can walk the aspects of "networking" differently.  I'm learning I can be me and show up as me and life becomes real and fun.


This week... I met myself time after time.  Shook off the voice and affects of fear and stepped into life and living.  I heard my no as well as yes. I communicated well and without effort and there were moments I couldn't find the articulation to save my life.  I smiled and said "hi" to new people who will move away from being the "new" people in my life. (At least some of them.)

This week... I found my way and I got lost.

This week... My first week of this living experiment, A Year without Fear,  my eyes were open to the most amazing "What ifs," and my heart grew and my feet walked and I lived.

Breathing is easy... Yeah, right

It should be a no brainer.

I have kids. I have six kids. I've heard myself over the years. "Breathe," I would say. A shot for a vaccination. (Breathe) Heck, giving birth to each one of them, what did the nurse, doctor, midwife or doula tell me to do? BREATHE.

I've watched different children react to circumstances in their lives.  On the cusp of different moments, I've watched them hold their breath.  I've looked them gently in the eyes, "Breathe," I've said.  "You've got this," I've said. "Just breathe," we've all said at one point in our lives to ourselves or another.  I've also watched anger and reactionary moments and thought, "breathe," this too will pass. I've heard the first breath a human being has taken, I've stood beside sorrow, suffering and death and watched one I loved deeply gasping for every single breath. and I've gotten the news that one has ceased to breath.  

No, breathing isn't easy.

I have never thought so much about breath and my history with it, as I have these days.  How much I've held my breath.  When have I held my breath? Where am I breathing? When am I not breathing? Deep and powerful intakes of new, fresh breath with corresponding exhales, or gasping for breath as I hold it, waiting for the next proverbial shoe to drop.  Shallow, chest breathing filled my life. This reality was something I discovered very quickly as I started my yoga practice, I recall saying to my husband that my body felt airier. I felt space course into my spine.  It was noticeable.  There was this one moment where someone even approached me and expressed how differently I was carrying myself, how different I was walking.

Breath, movement and coming to terms with my body and receiving it more fully. Letting breath in.

Letting breath in means making space for it.  Seems like a simple enough statement.  But making interior space for something means something else is going to be displaced.  Interior self doesn't always navigate that so well.  Taking in a deep breath of fresh air, holding it within one's body, and then exhaling breath might seem like a no brainer. But taken consciously it is a very intimate act that connects body with spirit and soul. Breath connects oneself to oneself and to Holy Spirit.  At our origin breath and dirt were what brought us into being.

In that light, the importance of touching and understanding breath takes on a new relevance. I have never known just how many ways there are to breathe and take in breath. From breath of fire, to three part breathing, to alternate nostril, to my personal new favorite (thanks to an amazing yoga teacher) is bee breathing.  I've experimented. I've struggled. I've not been able to figure a method out and needed help.

Needed help breathing?

Absolutely!

My therapist and I will touch on a subject that well, goes to places my whole body doesn't want to go.. What happens? I stop breathing. What needs to happen?  BREATHE! Breath needs to enter my body. What really needs to happen?  I need to be able to relax and take in air and let it saturate my being bringing calm and reassurance. A gentle vocal reminder, "breathe," is spoken. Eyes close, breath is inhaled into my being, and I sit quietly letting those places in me absorb the new, fresh breath. I let my soul be saturated by clean, fresh air. I sit.  I remember. I am encouraged to breathe.

When I couldn't do Breath of Fire during my Kundalini (aka uses Breath of Fire alot) training, I finally just admitted, "I can't do this." The kindest of men stilled a class and brought instruction, grace and a moment forward teaching me to be gentle with myself and let even that breath come.  In trying to do three part breath there are places in my body that don't want to open. There are places in my body that struggle to take in new air.  The old air might be stagnant and stale but how to convince my body to let go and release?  Again another's kindness empowers me towards kindness to self.  Another's kindness teaches me to listen to my body and allow it the space it needs to learn how to relax and how to receive breathe, life, healing and joy.

Breath is a powerful component to our living.  One that maybe we don't spend enough time upon.

I've learned to notice the quality of my breath. I've learned to just let my breath be what it is in the moment, and I've received tools that empower me to receive breath deeper and fuller into my body.  I am grateful.

If we don't breathe, it is proven, that a person will  pass out and the  body will, in normal circumstances, take over. But what happens if in life we are breathing just enough that that doesn't happen? We can live a long time on in a shallow place. I lived a long time in a shallow place.  My body, blood, heart and soul hungering for more air then I was allowing in, so grateful for the grace that carried me on and whispered in my ear....  

"Breathe!"

It's out of the bag....... A Year Without Fear ...

Until today it was just me and my journal that knew about this project.  But I could feel the juices flowing once I began to talk to a really great friend of mine.  All of a sudden I knew it was time!

I'm turning the "What if" syndrome on its head!

You know that syndrome. I am sure you do. Me and it have been best friends for a long time.  But I am giving it a face life.

Instead of the doom and gloom or just plain blah "what ifs," I am throwing splashes of color upon all that grey and doubt; oh, and fear.

I've lived about a month now in what I have called "Before the year without fear."  I refuse to extract something out of myself ever again.I'm taking my time. I'm giving myself permission to not know the "exactlys." I'm letting just my toes dip in and feeling things out.  I've always been the plunge kind of girl, jump in and think later. Now I have been wooing my soul forward. 

In this month I have thought what will this year be like? Who will I be in a year?  What will I be doing?  A year ago today I hadn't even started yoga and now I'm finishing up all requirements to become a teacher at the 200 hour level! Already working. Unveiling a brand new concept called Living Mangaliso, and so much more.  Gosh, didn't see that coming.  So like Pocahontas I'm wondering what is beyond that river bend.

So what practically does this year without fear look like? I've been asking myself that question all month long.

Well let's look at some quotes first... Sometimes its just fun to play. That's going to be a big push for this year. Lighten up. Play. Laugh. Enjoy. GROW!

I only want people around me who can do the impossible.  
Elizabeth Arden

“Women, like men, should try to do the impossible. And when they fail, their failure should be a challenge to others.” Amelia Earhart

There is nothing impossible to him who will try  .. Alexander the Great

Thomas Edison once said, "Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration." I won't assume "genius" status but I like the reality that inspiration is only a very small factor. Putting the feet to the pavement will be the real deal.  

So what will it look like... I'm mean how will I know if the year that goes between 8/15/2015 to 8/15/2016 is lived without fear.  Well, I already know it won't be.  It's not about not being afraid. It is about living the year stepping out and living.  I'm not even talking big grandiose things here. Living the year without letting fear hinder.

I'm doing more things for the first time  then I have ever done before. I've taught my first yoga class, I'm working with some of my first yoga therapy clients, I'm taking on new spiritual directees, I'm forming new small groups, I'm creating and walking (actually.. I walked 2 miles barefoot today. Why? Because I wanted to and I wasn't going to let fear of "what will people think," stop me!). That's what I mean. It's the bigger things like; yup, starting a brand, calling it Living Mangaliso. It's also the daily little things.  Meeting a new neighbor, going out to coffee with someone for the first time, and oh yeah.. taking that walk barefooted.  Wear the clothes you want to, get the tattoo, go to the yoga class.. (I showed up to my first yoga class having never even watched a YouTube video... Just because I knew it was time.) Nike doesn't have a brilliant slogan for nothing... 

Just do it..... 

My year without fear also has me purposefully asking for help when I need it, canceling out the words humiliated and failure. It won't be that the realities of those things might not show up but I've made the decision it's ok if they do... I'll start again the next day, or hour or even  just the next minute (I mean why wait a whole day?)

There are poses I want to try and learn how to do... I know from learning head stand that that means lots of falls along the way. That's ok.. it's more about the practice then the pose.  I'm having a hard time with three part breath or breath of fire.. I know the people I can ask for help... And I'm going to. I'm not going to be ashamed or let shame or feeling foolish stop me.  

There are things I want to learn, places I want to go, and people (I don't even know yet) that I want to meet....

So what stops you?

For me it was the fear of looking foolish, being wrong and/or making a mistake....

So now if I look foolish, if I'm wrong and when I make a mistake... I'm going to smile at myself, maybe even laugh.. Agree, that yup that might have been foolish.. But how would I have ever known unless I tried...

So another practical note... Ten things every week....  Ten times a week put myself out there.. small ways ...larger ways.. I'll stay in touch on this... I'll post the ten things I do... Give yourself the time to set yourself up well...  Do your own "Before the year without fear." Find what's important to you. Listen to yourself.  Let you show up... Listen to yourself, your voice, your heart and take a step.. take two.. and then keep walking ...

Feel free to share your weekly ten..... 

Knowing and being known... When you should have been "afraid" for my "soul," you weren't....

I told my good  friend about the planning for this post. I told her what it felt like to be thinking about writing this one. I showed her pictures, I told her stories and I cried.





These pictures are almost exactly a year apart.

What is obvious would be the weight that was lost.  What isn't as obvious but the same words could be used is the weight that was lost.


I won't go back and rewrite a history that was lived.  What I have come to begin to touch is that the journey of life takes us upon a very wild ride.  What I will believe about myself is that I attempt to live as honest of a life as I can day in and day out with the understanding and revelation I have in the season and time.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that I would ever emerge as the person I am today.  Never in  my wildest imagination would I have been able to conjure up the life I am living and loving and relaxing into.  Never in my most far out thoughts of myself would I have ever thought I could be on the brink of touching such a settled feeling in life. Never.....  But in a year's time I am awe struck at what possibility, hope and just plain not giving up can do.

The best comments I have gotten back recently is you like the "How tos.." I get that. The nuts and bolts of how this all works.  The thing is ... one of the wisest people I have met this past year doesn't give me as many of the nuts and bolts that I would want and that has been the greatest "How to," I have ever learned.

So here is a story for you....  We all have seasons in our lives that feel like the earth is shaking and the landscapes that we have known and trusted are shattering.  What I have learned isn't new to anyone and is a tad more cliche then I care for.... But simply put, if one just keeps going, relaxes as much as possible and breathes.. the day called tomorrow will come and the day after that and the day after that and the day after that.....

If one wants change. If one wants something to change and is willing to stick through the actual process when the wanted change starts to come (one might realize that the change that was seemingly wanted isn't wanted as much anymore.) BUT...

I knew I wanted something different
I didn't know exactly what that was
I didn't want to live in the negative.... Like when I was thinking, "I can't do this anymore,"  I knew I didn't want to live in the what I couldn't dos I wanted to discover the what I could dos.
I knew I needed help
When I quit or wanted to quit or when I did quit I learned humility and found my way back to the journey and unquit. I have had very gracious people in  my life who understand that it is a process that takes time and the pacing out of that process is what it is and that that is ok, more than ok.. it is as it should be...

I want to use a futuristic story that is written in the Christian gospels.  I want to use that story and a conversation to give you the foundation for change.

So as the story goes... Jesus is teaching

Do not judge.
Keep precious what is precious ie don't throw pearls to swine .. (your heart to those who won't understand)
Be one who asks
Be one who seeks
Be one who knocks
Treat people the way you would want to be treated
There are few who will spend the time to find the ways of life, most want a quick fix.. spend the time. The way is narrow.. few people go there but be one who journeys upon that road of discovery.
Be aware (Beware) of those who teach falsely.  Good things can not come from a bad tree. Examine the fruit of one's life. There are the proverbial and not so proverbial wolves in sheep clothing.. I've met too many of them. They look like sheep, they smell like sheep.. they even sound like sheep but they will never bear baby sheep and the flow of their lives will eventually tell you what's what.

Then comes this story...

Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter. Many will say to Me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?’ And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me,

Ok.. there's that story from the book, Matthew.

Here's another story.

I sat at a table in a coffee shop.  There were three of us.  There was a conversation.  I listened. They listened. We went back and forth talking different points about what it might mean to live a life of Christian faith.  I had been on this journey where I knew that I had been influenced by culture in a way that was not as true to the heart of God as I wanted.  Living in America and being part of this culture as a Christian we have a very different "gospel," at times.  At times I would say the "christ," that is followed is no different then the Golden Calf idol formed in the desert in the times of Moses.Making a version of a god that is more palpable and golden delicious then the actual Divine Man that walked the face of the earth as the age of the world went from before Him to after Him.  I wanted something different.  I didn't know what, I just knew that after twenty-two years of serving in churches and para church organizations something had to be different.

I listened to concerns about listening to empty philosophy's of men and different Pauline teachings. But what was rattling in my heart was the other story I just told you.  Whatever your beliefs are I had spent what seemed like a life time, since the age of 19, walking one certain road.  What that gave me was wisdom and depth and breadth of experience.  I knew some of what I was talking about.

While not verbatim, this would be the gist of what I would say...

I would express that I heard what was being said, and then I would share that my deepest concern was that there will come a day according to Christian scripture that all will stand before the Christ.  Some He will have known and others He will have not.  In our audacity at times as Christians we want to say who that is and who that isn't....  I took this moment to share that my largest concern was this, I had spent a life time in ministry, aka... "casting out demons, healing the sick, etc."  And I thought that the who that is and who that isn't might be very different than anything we have ever thought.

You see what I realize now is this... When you should have been afraid for my soul you weren't. That is what I wish I would have said succinctly.  When you thought I was doing all the right things, and living a life that people thought was godly and full of spirit and gifting and life, I wasn't knowing nor was I being known. But in the West, and in the American culture we care more about the doing and the results. I could prophesy, foretell the future, speak over and into the lives of many. HOWEVER  I was more on the road to a proverbial hell and not being known by God during a time when the church and the religious faithful would have said I was sold out and wanted to emulate my life and the way I flowed in the spirit.

Hear me on this... especially if you are of the Christian faith AND even more especially if you are in ministry or want to be in ministry.  I was doing all the right things.Except I wasn't
. 
That day at that coffee table what I would say is I get that in Christian belief there is an idea of many will depart from the faith, aka "fall away.".  What I said is I think that that has happened and I believe it has happened with more of the people that stand behind the pulpit then sit in front, and we are those that that story I shared speaks of.  I gestured to the three of us sitting there at the table, including myself.  I knew that I had spent decades dangerously and precariously doing all the right things and yet in being busy and being in the business of the doing of the ministry, I wasn't being known.  I was setting the agenda. I needed to be doing and thinking that I was building  for God, maybe more of what I was doing was keeping busy for self.

The greatest difference between those two pictures I first shared is I lost a life I thought was what I wanted only to find the way to Life and living in love in such a way that grounds me into Spirit and humanity in ways that I have never known.

I found stillness
I found silence
I found quiet

Again both Christian and Hebrew scripture will emphasis rest, trust, quiet... those concepts are NOT just beautiful truths lived out by those more of the faiths that come from the East.

Cease striving and know God
Be still and know God

Meditate upon the things of Creation and Spirit.
Separate from the events of the day and go to lonely places and learn to be just with self and Creator.. The Christ we follow or say we follow did... (Even if it starts with 2 minutes... learn to sit with yourself. A prayer I have told you about that has filled out my journey these past two years is attributed to St. Francis of Assisi.. Lord, my God who are you and who am I?  ) I have sat, paused, struggled, wept, laughed and fought for the answers and some I get, the more important ones I don't for they are to be lived and trusted in the mystery that they are... Again in the West/ in America.. we want to KNOW.. we want to be CERTAIN.. we want to have the answers....  It is in the unknowing that we can learn to know, it is in uncertain times that trust is grown and in the lack of answers comes living.

Again some simple how tos... they too come from Hebrew text...

Love Mercy
Do Justly
Walk humbly


Sometimes I  shake my head these days because in the midst of concern that I am dabbling into things that are taking me away from orthodoxy of belief I have actually found the most true expression I think I have ever walked in the twenty three years I have followed the Divine Man, The Christ.

Maybe we should take a very careful look at when you should have been concerned for my soul and you weren't, are the care takers ( ie pastors, priests etc, ) of your souls taking care of their own. If such a day does occur do you really want to watch as they were told they weren't known? If such a day does occur do you really want to have lived  a life of  correct religious activity only to hear you weren't known?  This is important t and it has caused me to tremble and work out what does it mean to live a life towards Spirit, what does it really mean? And then what am I going to do about that...

A drive to charlotte would introduce me to my toes...

WHAT?

I'm somewhat in denial that I moved away from the Carolina's over two years ago. Maybe it is because we left our oldest son behind when we moved to Virginia, but in fairness to the other five children that made the move with us, they are all  pretty incredible human beings.  I often say, if they weren't my kids, I'd want to know them. They are some of the most fabulous individuals I've ever met.  It definitely could be the weather.  South Carolina spoiled me as I lived in flip flops or bare feet basically 365 days of the year.  Yes, there is a reason that Crayola calls that amazing color, Carolina Blue, the skies are the brightest and bluest.  Maybe it was the strawberries, the peaches, the once upon a time small town like setting right next to something like a city. Hey, I was born and raised around NYC and Boston, Charlotte didn't ever feel like such a city.  But, hey, it's growing.  Why?  Because it's the Carolina's. 

But move away we did.  And actually the only reason any of that is important to this posting is because I look for every and any opportunity to return. Hence, I am an expert of the three hour drive from Blacksburg, VA to Charlotte, NC or Fort Mill, SC.  Even before the move actually happened that stretch of road and I, we were great friends.  

Something different would happen this one day, as I traveled 81 S to 77 S. That happening would enter my heart and start to ricochet, creating new pathways of thought, hope and life.  Ok, I never said I wasn't corny. Matter of fact I'm coming to grips with the reality that I have more common with Nellie from South Pacific than most people.  For most of you, you need to know it is a musical.  There's this song where she sings Cockeyed Optimist, set in the Pacific during wartime, she decides to see a different way.   I can also be prone to exaggeration but since I discovered that about myself I've tried to learn how to hold it in check.  I think to myself, is this true, I mean like really really true and to this degree.  I modify expression where necessary. The truth is  I just love words, the way they can be used to communicate or express is a wonderment to me and so I try to fit in as many of them as I can. Why say something in ten words when you can use 10,000.  I'm working on becoming more succinct. 

As my good friends know, while it is sadly against the law, I love driving bare foot.  Also as my good friends know, my left foot is often found up on the windowsill on the drivers side. (Just saying for clarification purposes.) I hit cruise control and get as comfortable as one can. I had it all going for me this one day, the music, the cruise control, my foot... There was a beautiful big blue clear sky and it was just a happy moment. 

 My hand would reach forward and begin to rub my toes. Oh, it started innocently enough.  Just rubbing my foot.  But then I started to notice them with my fingers, and my fingers began to separate and touch each individual toe.  As music would play and the light would shine in, my heart started to say, "These are my toes."  Before I realized over an hour had passed, I had repeated and repeated those four words over and over and over again.  I had found different emphasis at times.  Such as:

THESE are my toes.

These are MY toes.

These ARE my toes.

These are my TOES.

And so it went.................

OK, I'm sure I've lost about half of you. But maybe the other half of you are either in tears or smiling.

My body and I haven't always been friends. Matter of fact I'm not sure we are on BFF status often.  In those moments I was claiming my body, starting with the toes. This my body.  These are mine. They simply and profoundly are, they actually exist... I exist. I exist in a body.  It is a body. It is mine. More like a toddler or a yogi in Happy Baby pose, I was finding delight in being in my body and having a body.  For me that was huge.

When life circumstances and situations come where we would rather not be in our bodies,maybe even in our lives; we become adept at living elsewhere.  We live in our minds detached from our hearts and our physical selves.  We live in a hovering place where one feels so separate from the reality of having a physical self, that the connection between life and feet and living rarely happens.  Maybe we are so filled with self - hatred or disgust over how we look that to identify with our physical body is the last thing we would ever want to do.  Maybe we are embarrassed by  certain qualities or lack there of and in comparison and in life we die a million tiny or not so tiny deaths every day and every time we look into the mirror.

This moment, in the car, I was beginning to reverse those ways. I was claiming I have a body. This is my body. These are mine. I can share them or not. I can show them or not. They are mine. They are beautiful.

So here are a couple practical exercises for you if you want to get to know and love your body more....

1) Pick a part.  NO!!!  Don't "Pick a part" yourself.  Pick a part of your body. Maybe one that as been least likely to find Friend of the Year Status. Sit with it. Touch it. (I don't care what part it is.. touch it, if its been an issue) You can use my four statements with the different emphasis on each word, or find your own.  Don't rush away when it becomes uncomfortable.  Sit with yourself. You are in a body. This body is that which empowers you to walk upon the earth and engage with her and live. Take the time to get to know this that houses the essence that is you.

2) There is this Japanese scientist, Masaru Emoto. "He  was born in Japan and is a graduate of the Yokohama Municipal University and the Open International University as a Doctor of Alternative Medicine. His photographs were first featured in his self-published books Messages from Water 1 and 2. The Hidden Messages in Water was first published in Japan, with over 400,000 copies sold internationally.  What has put Dr. Emoto at the forefront of the study of water is his proof that thoughts and feelings affect physical reality. By producing different focused intentions through written and spoken words and music and literally presenting it to the same water samples, the water appears to “change its expression”.

Essentially, Dr. Emoto captured water’s ‘expressions.’ He developed a technique using a very powerful microscope in a very cold room along with high-speed photography, to photograph newly formed crystals of frozen water samples. Not all water samples crystallize however. Water samples from extremely polluted rivers directly seem to express the ‘state’ the water is in.
Dr. Masaru Emoto discovered that crystals formed in frozen water reveal changes when specific, concentrated thoughts are directed toward them. He found that water from clear springs and water that has been exposed to loving words shows brilliant, complex, and colorful snowflake patterns. In contrast, polluted water, or water exposed to negative thoughts, forms incomplete, asymmetrical patterns with dull colors.
The implications of this research create a new awareness of how we can positively impact the earth and our personal health. The success of his books outside Japan has been remarkable"  (Whatthebleep.com)


I've seen pictures of these experiments.  I believe in the power of words.  Ancient Hebrews believed that once a word was spoken it never ended. It was. Interesting that the Christian wisdom writing would then express that one must be aware of idle words. Language is potent.

Now think of the ways you speak about yourself and your body and your life.  Now realize that you are made up of 70% water.  Just pause and let that all sink in.

SO.....  Place a hand upon your feet and bless them. Put a hand upon your mind and bless it. Bless your arms and legs for the work they do for you every day. Bless those hips or that ass that drives you crazy and has you wishing it was 3 sizes smaller or the breasts you want bigger, or the arms you want to be more muscular. No, these things will not necessarily change the shape or size of said body part. They will change your heart.

One day I had this picture for this person.  I saw medical tape with words on it. I simply suggested that she take the tape and put words like: Beautiful, courageous, strong, intelligent,peaceful, magnificent, fabulous, wanted, loved, cherished, etc... on those pieces of tape.  Then apply those pieces of tape with words onto her body.  I've done it too.

It's amazing how throughout the day, as I knew that there were such words upon me and I smiled at knowing my secret. Despite what world, family, co-workers, peers, teachers, or SELF would say I was putting another message upon my body.

So it started with a drive upon highways heading to Charlotte, I met my toes and they introduced me to a whole other life I hadn't been living.... Enjoy the journey and your body and you..

 

She asked... How do you do that?

Oh the lives of the children.  Whether parents are public speakers or just parents . Children endure Facebook photos ( they would rather not ever have posted ...one can only use it is for Grandma and your aunts and uncles so many times), stories ( they would rather not have told to Grandma let alone the entire listening audience) and intimate moments shared for a greater good (supposedly).

If I listen to their heart beats, my six children, become my greatest teachers. One such moment happened this weekend. 

My kids have trained me well. I know that if I want photos I do have to drop the it's for nana or so and so line.  Actually my kids know me very well. Last night as one of my older ones and I were talking about first day of school photos, he said, "I bet you told nana to text us directly." Well, I did but it is because she asked for first day of school photos and what I really said was, "they will do it more for you than for me, text them directly."

Oh, the beauty of family.
We know each other... for the good and the bad, and all that is in between.

I had lots of precious and not so precious moments this weekend with different pairings of kids as an annual festival rolled into town.  Not so precious = youngest daughter and I went for an early morning Farmer's Market muffin.  Her favorite thing to do.  We sat in the square and listened to a great Irish singer (my heart goes to these ballads as certain sons of mine can sing them amazingly... not often, especially if they know I'm listening and want them to... The wonder of teenagers.. But amazing none the less. I have sat against a bathroom door for an hour listening to one of  them sing. Eyes closed, face totally taken over by a smile and heart full. It is certainly one of my favorite things in life.)

Back to the youngest of our family. She was so extremely excited about the bouncy houses and just couldn't wait for them to inflate.  Except something, still don't know what... got into her eye.  Her grit and determination ended up giving way, to a six year old heart that needed to be carried, numerous blocks back to the parking garage in order to be taken home and given Benadryl. She was and is and will continue to be a champ of all champs. I guess being the youngest of six you sort of have to be.

The days of the festival would be broken up with trips back and forth. Thank God for my husband's parking pass to the garage near where he works. Me and one kid, me and two kids, me and kids and their friends, bands of all sorts, stalls selling all kinds of wares and all kinds of people.

That brings me to the title of this post....  It was nearing the end of the activities. Oh, by the way.. the old adage of moms can't be sick was in total affect these days.  As I drove back and forth and walked up and down streets, my body and I were having numerous conversations.  I was explaining to it that my life didn't have time for it to be acting the way it was, and it wanted me to know it was time for a nap.  It would win out Saturday afternoon.  Bodies have a way of doing that.

But Saturday evening, we had library books that were due and so oldest daughter and I headed back into town to return books and take one more stroll around the streets.  We came to this one stall.  It was representing a local massage business. However they also host, what I can only imagine are amazing concerts once a month.  I had attempted to go this past month. Except I had read the sign wrong.  It hadn't read first Sunday of the month, it had read "fourth" Sunday of the month.  I arrived a week too late. Oh well, there will be this month.

So the woman standing within the booth looked like the picture of the woman on the flier.  So I stopped and started what I thought was just a plain old conversation. I asked about the concert. I acknowledged that I thought she was the artist. I shared my story expressed my wishes to come this month, and good byes were shared.

As we walked away, my oldest (most amazing of a human being) daughter asked, "How do you do that?"  She had been watching and taking in the conversation.  Understanding her question, I answered flippantly first, "Well, honey.. I've made a life of being a public speaker." She smiled. Then I gently brushed some hair out of her face, took her hand, and pointing to my gut said,   "It comes from here."

We kept talking and I shared how it wasn't always so easy. I had to learn more of who I was and get comfortable with that and still get comfortable with that. We moved on and went to different stalls and walked and walked until once again my body became louder than my will.

But what would stay loud was those moments. "It comes from here."

It didn't always. Once upon a time it came from me putting on a charade. Wearing masks, not knowing who the hell I was but knowing what the expectations were, and attempting to live up to that.  Trying to be genuine, and in hindsight I believe I was for the time as much as I could be.... Except, I was who I thought others wanted me to be, needed me to be, or even who I thought I wanted to be or needed to be....
What?  I played roles.  Not so much  mom, wife, friend.. But wife of a man who made his living speaking in a public setting, woman in a male dominated ministry culture, friend to people who would as likely stab you in the back as smile at your face.. (or potentially only be your friend because of who said husband might be.) One learns how to play the games, how to do the "that," one learns how to do the "that," well or one perishes. I have watched it first hand. It is tragic and beyond sad, sadly at times even deadly.

So I've held onto the statement that answered the question of how do I do such things, as just go up to strangers and strike up a conversation, or the one that gets my kids is when strangers just come up to me, believing they have seen me before whether in real life or crazy enough in a dream, and I step into a conversation, listening... responding... welcoming... smiling.. enjoying humanity.

I've held onto the answer, "it comes from here."  I'm learning more and more what actually and authentically does initiate and stream forth from the core of me.  I'm discovering that which comes from "here."

How does one do that?
How do you discover what is the treasure deep in the core of you and live from that place?

I'm no expert... But here are a few practices that have strengthened me along the way... Feel free to add on yours in the comments....

1) Spend time with........... yourself. This is not as easy as it sounds. It deserves its own post.  But quickly and simply put.... Pick a place that can be quiet and have all electronics off and far from reach.  Don't berate yourself if you start with 30 seconds.  I have had clients burst into tears at the 10 second mark of silence. It really is ok. In this culture we do not respect silence and stillness. If you have not put it into practice, it will be so foreign to your being that touching shock isn't out of the question.  Let your body, emotions, soul and spirit react. Take notice... Come back to this place as often as you can, try for at least once a day for as much time as you can. (On busy days, I pack at least three 5 minute places of silence, stillness and sitting with myself to reground and recharge)

2) Spend time with those who put your heart at ease... In this case a picture or pictures are worth 1000s of words...

 

These guys more and more show me the best within me, (also the worst at times.. be not afraid of the "dark side," it too has lessons to teach.) 

3) Spend time with nature. There is nothing like sitting and touching the grass with bare feet or hands or entire body.  I recently went to a local park at 5am and sat criss cross upon the grass. Then I placed the soles of my feet upon the grass. Then I leaned forward over my crossed legs and placed my hands upon the grass. I also laid over my legs and placed my face to the earth and I laid back and looked up and stared at the sky and clouds and beauty.  I listened to the birds and noticed how their songs changed as the sunrise approached.

Spend time with nature. The elements of nature are what they are.. that is the beauty of creation and the good it grants to humanity. A tree is a tree. A cloud is a cloud. A blade of grass is a blade of grass. Nature grounds oneself and speaks and quiets and allures you into discover of yourself and it. The lessons nature has taught me as of late are changing my life.



4) Spend time with creativity.  For me it is words. Books. Journals. Magazine scraps. I love words. I love creating with words.

I see them dance around my head and when I type I feel like my fingers are playing upon a musical keyboard and can hear the symphony and melody of language.  It fills my soul. As I embrace this passion, I embrace self and the truest expression of myself.  I love the articulation and communication of concepts, love, friendship, pain, suffering, success, joy, struggle, faith, energy, light and that list can and does go on an on... I have a beautiful friend who is extremely creative and her journals and my journals look very different. I can sit and write and write and write. She can sit and write one word on a page and use her color pens to decorate the page or take scraps from a magazine and glue them on a page and that is her melody and song.  Some it is literal melody and song. Others it is running. Still others it is scaling the cliffs or diving to the depths, or looking up at the stars.  Discover what courses through your core by touching expression and seeing which one fits you the best. This is no one size fits all...




"How do you do that?"

The simplest and most profound answer is I relax and in so doing find myself and the expression of that place is the how I do that which I do in the most effortless way.
Be you and not some portrayal of you or any other human being... It might take time to wash off the mud of self or other's expectations, opinions, etc... Take the time...
"How do I do that".. I listen for the song, that streams along the insides of me to the cellular level, and tune into that and push play....