The essence and heart beat of spiritual direction.....

Read this post to learn about the beauty of the Spiritual Direction/Companioning relationship and how it can grow and benefit your spirit and your life!  Contact Mims Driscoll at  mimsdriscoll@gmail.com for inquiry about setting up an intake session or call 803-554-3552.

Do you know that you know?

Do you know that you can know?

Do you know that which you are already engaged with?

Can you trust yourself?

Can you listen to your heart?

Can you hear the wisdom that already resides inside you?

Can you see your magnificence?

Listen to your heart.

Beyond your beauty.

Sing your song.

When I think of all the modalities I have taken part in, nothing even comes close to that of Spiritual Direction. There are moments I sit back and smile as joy fills out my being. Think of having a companion on the road with you. Someone who listens to your unprocessed thoughts. Someone who hears that which your heart aches to say. Someone who provides a safe, warm space for you to sit with the Holy. Someone who cultivates an atmosphere for and with you that brings presence deeper into the rooms of your life.

Spiritual direction is much more like that companion. The word direction is deceptive. The “director” listens with not just physical ears, but hears with the heart. The “director” mirrors back to you that which you have already said, so you can hear your own words. The “director” is a trusted guest, sitting with you as you sit with the source of life and expression of Spirit that you walk with in your life.

Being a spiritual director and having a spiritual director in my life has opened up pathways of hope and healing. Cultivating and nurturing space and time for another becomes a gift that transcends natural plains and yet empowers a grounding into life and space and time unlike any other “ministry” I have partaken in.

What is the process of spiritual direction?

• I love when spiritual direction is talked about more as spiritual guidance or spiritual friendship. It is an ongoing relationship in which one person (the directee), hungry and desirous of being attentive to his or her own spiritual life, meets with another person (the director) on a regular basis (approximately once or twice a month), specifically for the purpose of becoming more attuned to Spirit's Presence in order to respond more fully to that Presence in all of life.

• The primary focus of the session is the directee's relationship with Spirit as it is reflected and challenged by all aspects of that person's life. Believing in a holistic approach that life, day in and day out, the practical, nitty gritty aspects of life are very spiritual.  So that spiritual direction, while being about prayer and helpful practices, touches all aspects of ones life.

• The directee assumes responsibility for his or her life with Spirit. That me say that again.  This is about you! You taking the responsibility to say that you are hungry spiritually and want to partake in learning how to feed your life, your spirit, your soul! This means that the person coming for direction is trying to be serious about some form of intentional prayer and reflection on the movements of God in everyday life and prayer. During the meeting of which is normally one hour, director and directee seek to enter a prayerful atmosphere where together they can be attentive to the Holy Spirit who is in fact the Real Director.

• The director may  question, challenge, suggest, support, as seems called for by the Spirit, but it is the directee’s prayerful openness to the Sprit that determines whatever insights are uncovered or the course of action that is to be taken. It is assumed that the directee has begun a journey with Spirit long before he or she comes into direction. Also, this intentional journey will continue long after leaving a particular director. The director is only a facilitator in the process. The directee must claim the journey.

To conclude for now, I will use a Henri Nouwen quote:  “A waiting person is a patient person. The word patience means the willingness to stay where we are and live the situation out to the full in the belief that something hidden there will manifest itself to us.” 

In spiritual direction we will wait together upon the presence of Spirit and allow the light and essence of the Holy to infiltrate your body, soul and spirit.

  Contact Mims Driscoll at  mimsdriscoll@gmail.com for inquiry about setting up an intake session or call 803-554-3552.

Recovering from Trauma... Our Breath

It was a sensation unlike anything I had ever felt before.

Something was different in my body.

Even my eye balls felt it.

I couldn't find the words to describe what was happening.

I opened my mouth and said, “I feel airier.”

Lighter

Fuller

Clearer

Who would have guessed it was as simple and profound as finding my breath.

But that is what it was....

I had been practicing yoga for a little over a month. People were commenting upon my posture, my demeanor, my countenance. What I was noticing was my spine. It felt airier. I felt taller. Was I perhaps breathing, really breathing? Was I breathing for the first time in my life? I truly believed so.

And it was magical. It was delightful. I was riding breath into new places. I felt alive. Breath filled out crevices within me that hadn't seen fresh air in decades upon decades. It was amazing. It was exhilarating. It was potent. It was awakening. It was deafening. It was terrifying. It was invigorating. It was horrible. It was alive. I was alive. Breath was entering my body day after day, coursing through my frame and creating new pathways into the very depths of my mind, my soul, my spirit, my body.. ME!

When trauma shows up, breath disappears.

In the very moments that we need breath the most, we close our mouths and out of impulse don't let it in.

Shocking or horrible moment occurs, inhale rises chest, mouth closes, lips press firmly and tightly, eyes grow huge, and we stay there.

Some stay there for decades.

Never exhaling the moment that stole their breath in the first place.

Forever living in the shallow tides of prana, breath.

Prana, is the Sanskrit word for breath, life – giving force.

Hebrew origins of man have clay meet breath as the beginning of all human kind.

With in their stories of the prophets of old, the Hebrews tell of a man named Ezekiel and a valley of dry bones, again breath brings restoration and strength. The Christ would exhale upon the cross and all creation would be affected. People of the Pacific Islands hold stories to be sacred as they are told, expressing the truth that within the story the breath of the people are found.

Breath is the life force of all things, yet I was never taught to breathe.

Oh Mims, who needs to be taught to breathe?

All of us!

All of us, would be my answer.

Hildegard once wrote, “The feather flew, not because of anything in itself, but because the air bore it along. Thus am I, a feather on the breath of God.”

“A feather on the breath of God.” 

What an image! 

To live life within that scope would be quite the adventure.

 How can one get there? 

How does one get there?

It took me a while to realize that all that I was feeling had a great deal to do with the fact that I had ceased to breath from my chest, with slow and shallow gasps of air, and begun to learn to pull breath into my body from the depths within. Breath was flowing in upon the inhales and out upon the exhales. Breath was coursing up and down my frame. Breath was filling out my toes and feet, my calves and my thighs, breath was coming into my torso and filling my lungs. I was expanding. I was riding the breath into new places and new places were opening to receive it.

That was both a delightful experience and a horrible realization.

If we don't think that the very thing that empowered our creation isn't as powerful as all that, then we are fooling ourselves and have lost touch with essential qualities of true life.

Pockets that had lived in dark, dry, suffocated places were being rattled within.

Awoken.

Brutal and beautiful things were taking place within.

A defibrillator of sorts was being introduced to my chest.

Shocking what breath can do!

“Come back to life,” was the song. “Come back to life,” was the invitation.

Events happen. We move on. We try. We keep getting up. We keep telling ourselves we are breathing, although we feel absolutely suffocated.

Pause here...

Let yourself settle...

Do you feel suffocated?

Where?

What does it feel like?

What do you need from breath?

Is it to just start again?

Go deeper?

Let yourself be carried by the breath for a while?

Dearest chest breathing friend, I was one of you and there are days I visit you. Except now I recognize the difference so much quicker. There are moments clarity of thought arrive in ways I never knew. There are moments where life feels richer and more full then ever before. But all of this should come with a disclaimer. Breath is powerful. Breath is potent. Breath will change things. It is not stagnant. It is dynamic. In its arrive, its power to affect all of life, bringing forward life is immense and will call for a response. Please, whatever you do... don't forget to breathe!

In an article in Psychology TomorrowMagazine, the Dr. James Reho does an amazing job exploring faith traditions and the reality of breath. It was some of his first statements that pulled me into the entirety of the article.

He writes, “ Breathing is never really simple. Our breath bears our emotional history and is a playing field for our flirtations with both Eros and Thanatos. While our relationship with our breath is often barely conscious, the quality and form of our breathing enhances and communicates much about our emotional state. As children, we hold our breath to get what we want; breath steals and expresses our will. When we are frightened; we gasp for breath sharply with the upper chest; breath influences and expresses our anxiety level.”

He goes on to say, “At some point, as Western Cultures came more and more to take on the viewpoints of Modern philosophy and the Cartesian paradigm, such practices ceased to make sense. Then as discomfort with embodiment (Sexuality, death, particularity, etc.) came more and more to define the Western mind and spiritual paradigm, such practices became either feared or dismissed and ridiculed.”

It is a fantastic article and well worth the entire read.

For our point here... Let me say, there is much detail and complexity to the healing of trauma. Breath is a vital point of beginning. Learning deeper inhales, and deeper exhales, and moving fresh prana in and around and through your body will bring immense change.

Pause here:
Breath exercise: Three part breath focuses the attention on the present moment, calms and grounds the mind.


This  exercise is often done while seated in a comfortable, cross-legged position, but it is also nice to do while lying on the back, particularly at the beginning of your practice. When you are lying down, you can really feel the breath moving through your body as it makes contact with the floor.
1. Come to lie down on the back with the eyes closed, relaxing the face and the body.
2. Begin by observing the natural inhalation and exhalation of your breath without changing anything. If you find yourself distracted by the activity in your mind, try not to engage in the thoughts. Just notice them and then let them go, bringing your attention back to the inhales and the exhales.
3. Then begin to inhale deeply through the nose.
4. On each inhale, fill the belly up with your breath.

My spine felt airier, my head felt cleaner and clearer and I felt more alive then ever before. Traumas from the past resurfaced as the breath entered, but it is time to clean house. It is hard. But then I cling to the promises of Ezekiel... These dry bones CAN and WILL live again, empowered by breath they come back together and learn how to stand as an exceedingly great army. Because that is what we do! That is what I do! I have learned to stand. Now I am learning to stand and breathe.

My Yoga/ Christian Journey : When There is a Void ... I Pray.. Let There Be Light

As I said, I have  never planned out a blogging sequence. That is until now.

I can feel in my gut that there is something missing.  A portion, an articulation, an essence of which, desires to find expression.  I am not so brash as to say I have the fullness of  such a thing.  I do believe I am a pilgrim upon a journey of discovery.  I do believe, that as I walk this narrow dusty path that which I behold is bringing transformation.  I do believe, that there are people, places and postures along the way that have much to teach me and are teaching me much.

I begin with this posture.
I begin in this place.

I humbly come before my God, who I believe created me in the very heart beat of His essence.
I humbly come before you, who I believe I am connected to... Holding the high priestly prayer of Christ so close to my heart. The reality of Oneness.  Oneness of all things and of all people... I read the words of one of His last earthly prayers and am so moved by His hunger for humanity to understand our Oneness with each other and with the Divine.

This... this posture is the one I begin this intentional conversation within.....
Humbly coming... laying all that I think I thought I knew down and uttering an expression .. In my knowing I did not know and now that I do not know I am beginning to know.

In the beginning of all things there is a story and as it goes, there was void and things were formless and Spirit hovered .... There was no form. There was void and there was darkness.

When chaos and void and darkness reign what do we need?
Spirit to Hover.
Spirit to be engaged.
Light

When chaos reigns in our hearts, in our bodies, in our minds what do we need?
We need to find a greater order, we need to find light and peace and yes.. Spirit!

Let there be light.............

Light brings that illumination through which we see.

Was that "let there be light," a big bang of instant spoken word from Divine Creator sparking a revolution of beauty and wonder and fullness?  Did that expression of let there be light bring forth a wonderment and awe and revelation?  An expression that says chaos can be brought to higher order, voids can be made full, and darkness can be eradicated by light.

As is true for the natural world, so is true for the human life... the human heart.

Let there be light... Let a greater order by which we can see come and fill that which was once empty and dark.  May we learn from the void, the darkness, and the emptiness and touch fullness, light and creativity.

What came after the utterance of light was a burst of creative power and expression, exploding time and time again. This expression kept expanding and expanding as the ever widening circle of reality went from good to very good and then to holy.

Creative expression in the form of the water, land, sky, earth, creature filled the space as did human. Clay was taken into hands and breath was added. Breath!!!!  Very good was declared. Clay was formed into substance. Clay was formed. A body became.  A body became and was still until the breath came.  Then there was life.

Light. Creativity and fullness. Body. Breath... In the beginning of all things, as it is written in ancient Hebrew texts. We weren't left to be floating spirits without a body. We were given the gift of body. Body is house and temple and can be home. (More on that subject..lots more on that subject to come.)

Then came holy.  What is holy?  The very first thing that the Creator ever pronounced as being holy was rest.
Sabbath and rest and trust would become the crux of the journey between God and that which He spilled His image into, us! 

So in the proverbial beginning and in this beginning I see so much  to lay a foundation upon.

Spirit ... energy, vibration, frequency, sound, light, breath
Voids being made full with creative wonder
Rest being enacted as an act of holiness.

Yoga comes from a Sanskrit word, a derivation of the word yuj, which means yoking as in a team of oxen. Another way to read and understand it is to think of union.  The practice of yoga is said to be for the union of body, mind and spirit. In the creation account that I know Christians and Hebrews look towards there is that union.  The divine yokes His essence with Creation, calling things good, very good and holy.  In all essence in the beginning there was the yoking together, the union of The Divine Presence, Creation, woman and man, light, breath, energy....

There is nothing in that list that is separate or other than what I find in the very heart beat and practice of yoga.  A space created for me to step into, to discover the void within, to strengthen and feel the strength of my body that houses me, (We are now the Temples of the Spirit.... I find that as much in New Testament reading as I do in other sacred texts.) to grow in awareness of my need for breath and movement and to bring alignment with all that I am into a space that will help focus my mind upon whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is good. I am told to think upon such things. The practice of meditation and yoga brings together a peace and a stability within so that I can grasp a hold of the peace that passes all understanding and bring that off the mat and into my life.

  I wouldn't start my yoga practice until December 2014, however in July of 2014 I was asking within the pages of my journal that I would be led into a deeper understanding of the body, mind and spirit connection.  I could feel the pull of something upon my soul, yet knew not what it was and then came the practice of yoga.  There was such an intense hunger within to touch understanding.  Why a body? What does it mean that we have a body? How can I be more fully in my body? What is my soul, my mind, me? What is my Spirit? How do the three come together?

Void met form
Breath met dry bones
Light entered my eyes and my soul igniting my spirit and brought deep life into my body 
Rest was found

The practice of yoga isn't to be made christian but a Christian can do yoga.
The practice of yoga isn't Buddhist but a Buddhist can do yoga.
The practice of yoga isn't Hindu but a Hindu can do yoga.

The practice of yoga transcends the specific expression of any one religion and can be as varied as there are people. Some use the straight forward posture driven practice to grow strength and be more present within their own bodies. Others incorporate a more meditative stance.

Step by step....  I take this journey.
Finding an articulation that is expansive and inclusive and rings true and lives in union with all that I know of the Lord's nature and character.  There is nothing I see in the beginning of all things that would deny the basis of holding a yoga practice deep into my heart and my life. There is nothing I see in the beginning of all things that says I must first call something "christian" before it can be holy or safe or "right."   I see there was a void. I see Spirit hovered and then after the passage of time spoke and came energy (What is light?), creative power and humanity full of breath......

How we should have been taught... Continuing the Conversation and further plans to do so

Ascribe to me not an intentionality that knows that which I am doing.

It is  more liken unto Abraham setting out for a land he knew not, but knowing he had to take the journey.

I am not a systematic writer.
I have not planned out blogs.
I have not learned the way of the 21st blogger successful strategies.
I have tried to become more consistent in my writing but other than that I come to keyboard with or without the inspiration. I place my fingers on the keys. I close my eyes. I open my heart. I hope. 

However there is a push to become more systematic in this arena.  There is a hunger pulsating upon the winds of change.  You.. me, we are walking with it. Maybe being blown forward bit by bit is more like it.  I've finished and am editing and re-editing a book.  The title so far is "The Girl Next Door."  The subtitle is what has got me stumpedt.  Those things get changed over and over again anyway.

The premise of the book is finding your voice and your courage.  It takes me from a childhood riddled with abuse into a young adulthood and an adulthood found walking in ministry.  All that I saw in all those phases and never said a word. All I saw and didn't say, "no," or "you can't treat people like that," or any million phrases that could be said.  I bought into many lies and some for my own temporary benefit. However I've seen the allure of temporary benefit only to feel its immense sting in the ass. The story, my story will be about vibration, the song of life and finding ones own voice.

It is said that when one goes to write, the "why" should be known.  In knowing the "why" of writing there is clarity of purpose and communication.  It is getting clearer and clearer to me, the "why" of my writing. So much so that yesterday as I  was meditating; I  paused and grew in quiet and  I knew it was upon me to overcome natural tendency of my regular flow of writing.  It was upon me to become more systematic in my approach.

I have this friend.  She'll read this and  smile.  A most unlikely friendship we will say. We do say. There are moments we couldn't be more far apart on the way we view things, but the most precious elements of life keep us connected.  What I have realized about this friend is that in her wisdom she will (in kindness not judgement) help me see how others perceive my journey.  We had this really great conversation the other day.  She bore her heart.  She acknowledges it is for me to journey.  She wants me to learn how to bring back the realities of it in a way that empowers more understanding not less. She communicated in a beautiful fashion that I am able bring an articulation to  this path that can be helpful.  She was right. I need to care. I have taken steps. I knew not the way. I knew only the hunger.  It has taken everything for me to journey this way and if in going back I can set out a few bread crumbs to make it easier for the next hungry soul, then that is what I can do.

I can learn a more systematic approach. On the forefront, however, I will say time and time again, this wasn't a planned out journey. It was a bumbling, haphazard, "I sure hope this right, and please stop me if it isn't," kind of journey.  I leaned on the promise of the good shepherd, that he comes after the ones that need Him to bring correction to path.  That is why any of you, who have thought I have diverted, haven't carried the weight of your words. You see I have looked to the Heavens and there is no "shepherd" coming (having left the proverbial 99) to come get me, telling me I have been led astray.  If anything there has been a shove in the fanny that I'm not moving fast enough.

The more I find my articulation. I can feel the courage growing.  It isn't without fear. At times the fear is immense.  I'm working it out.  The beauty and wonder and awe of it is, however found in  the realization of the immense hunger that is in you too.  We are hungry.  Our eyes have seen, our ears are hearing and our hearts are yearning.  We know there is more than the spoon filled, entitlement based religion that we bought into.  We have to admit it served us. It served us or we wouldn't have stayed.  Maybe we were needing to belong so that we "put up" with the behaviors that ran prevalent. Maybe we didn't trust that without the "label," of this or that ministry, church or organization we wouldn't be much on our own.  Maybe it was just enough to be a part of something larger then ourselves that we were willing to undermine our own spiritual growth to listen to the said "expert," though in the depths of our hearts we knew something was off or we knew that we had known ourselves what was being taught.. we just weren't confident to really believe it.  We were fed company line that this DNA or that way of doing things put us ahead.

Did we ever stop to think, ahead of what?

Each other?

The Body of Christ, the fellowship of all believers?

In our spiritual arrogance and pride we dished out milk and left the meat alone or ate it secretly in our closets.  We've gone starving waiting for someone else to teach us, when we negated that in the Holy Spirit we have the greatest counselor and teacher within ourselves.

Maybe it isn't all like what I've written. You see, I refuse to throw the Bride of Christ aka the Church (big C) under the bus.  There are huge political and social issues that we get wrong. There are places where we fuck up more and are so inbred, that  our socially minded counterparts of society show us up daily for being more humanitarian and loving.  There are places, more than naught, that we only confirm Ghandi's words. When asked by E. Stanley Jones how Christianity could come to India, Mr. Ghandi replied; "I would suggest first of all that all of you Christians, missionaries and all begin to live more like Jesus Christ."

I lived a veneer. I want depth.  I have drank milk for far to long, I have heeded the songs of the ancient past that yearn for me to turn towards solid food, to grow and mature.  I am no longer an infant. I am not longer a child. The version of Christian scripture, called The Message, writes it this way; "When I was an infant at my mother’s breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good."

We have watched a whole generation of leaders, let us stay in infancy, as they lived privileged and entitled lives. In our immaturity and fear we have seen behavior and known the man or woman behind the pulpit, seen the behavior in the staff meeting or private lives, bought all the identical clothes as to "be the brand" of a specific church staff team, and so many other horrors.  Have we empowered each other to live lives more congruent with Christ, as He really is, not as the American church would make Him?   Have we risked our own lives and our ministry identities, positions, etc for something more? Are we playing it safe? Are we touting company line because we know it will move us up the chain of command within our specific sect?

There isn't anything I write about that I haven't participated in or seen.  Covering up indiscretion because money needs to be made and books need to be sold and a church needs to be a platform for such things!!!
I'm sorry I never did think that was the heart of Christ for His church, matter of fact I think He once upon toppled tables as He shared His heart about His Father's temple.

We can scream about the proverbial pole of yoga in the eyes of others, but as Christians we need to take a look inward first.  It's time to clean house.  We have created a whole industry that benefits off the backs of widows and orphans. Instead of serving them we have been served by them. Asking them to pledge the little money or time they have so that some immense ministry can build another building.  It is not looking good.  We have grown irrelevant, and there really is nothing irrelevant about who Christ was as a man and as the expression of divinity walking upon the face of the Earth.

I do digress.

I'm going to get systematic about the discussion of Christianity and Yoga.  I find my past within the circles of Christianity that I walked an interesting foundation in which to enter such a conversation.  I was found by Christ through a visitation. I absolutely adore the reality of the Spirit.  I have taught empaths, seers, and revelatory people for decades on how to use their senses to go beyond the physical world and see and feel and know the unseen seeable realm.  This journey isn't new. It is a continuation.  I have taught Christians how to leave religious language aside and find an expression that touches heart beat and truest reality of Spiritual things and places. It isn't really a new walk. It is the way of my life.  I want to make it clear I am not defending yoga.  Yoga needs no defense.

I am willing to help with an articulate and intelligent, spiritual  conversation that has life and depth within it.  There is more that we all have in common then that which separates us, and it is fear and pride that fill any gulf of separation.  I want love.  A strong not patsy love.  A more perfected love that has a light so bright that all darkness and shadow are burned away.  The spirit of religious fundamentalism comes to kill, rob and destroy. It does not bring life.  It cares not what form it comes in either.  Religious fundamentalism steals the very freedom of choice that the Creator imbued humanity with,  it says my way or you are the infidel and are to be feared, taught against, and killed. That is not the heart beat of the Ultimate Divine reality that is found in the Spirit of all things.

There is so much yet to say. This journey will take us a while.  There is no place for accusation here, this is a place for dialogue and conversation.  Step by step we will learn together discernment, growing up in love we will find a pathway to walk upon. There is a place where in maturity we can see and hear and know.. no longer clanging gongs being noise to a world that doesn't want to hear anything we have to say, there will be a city of light upon a hill where life is lived in exemplary love.. there will be a resounding sound full of life and beauty, wonder and love, joy and peace and it will be well................


Is this a Christian worshipping? A yogi doing Sun Salutation? A man? A woman? Can you look at this picture and see beauty and wonder and awe as a human being takes a stance of praise? Can you see similarity and not fear?  This isn't about getting it right or wrong... this is about love!

Once again I visit the Christian/yoga conversation.

I'm a stream of consciousness writer. I get that about myself.  At times within my life I have had great editors. I need great editors.  The reality of stream of consciousness is that I have to be willing to sink into my gut and close my eyes and write.  If I feel inhibited in anyway, the words won't flow.  And right now in life, I want the words to flow.  I want them to flow in a way that brings life and not confusion.  I want peace and not contention. I hunger for understanding and growth as a person and for people I love. However I don't want to settle.  I have tasted and seen the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living and it is amazing!

So I close my eyes and I breathe in deeply and with my writing begin to slowly exhale.

I'm going to make an audacious statement. I make it not to piss you off, but I make it because it is true.  I stand at a place in my life where  I've never known and loved Christ the way I do in these days. I have seen where in my life I was the proverbial pharisee.  I have seen where I stood so precariously on an edge of thinking I was doing all the right things however not knowing nor being known as a person before God.

In these days I have learned to stand and feel strong.  What is that? Having done all stand.  Mountain pose.
In these days I have learned to be like a child and allow myself grace.  What is that? Become like a child. Child's pose.
In these days I have learned to (ok. tried to learn .. this one is hard for me) ground down and grow roots. What is that ? Being rooted in good soil.  Tree pose.
In these days I have learned to see things from a different perspective. What is that? It's a upside down reality of a kingdom where the poor are rich, the weak are strong, etc... Head stand.  Be willing to see from a different perspective.


What has been the path? Well... for me and my life I have found the foundation of spirituality to be in Christ. But as He is not as anyone would attempt to make Him.  There is so much more of God to know.  Having eyes to see I really want to see, having ears that can hear I really want to hear, having been given a heart that can comprehend I want to receive understanding even when it comes in a package different than I ever anticipated.  I think that is how the founder of my faith entered Creation as a human baby, turning the religious world of His time on its head.  I don't think the struggle to understand, receive, and grow as Spirit is leading is a new one. I don't think that opposition to the reality of that leading is a new one either.  I also don't stand having many answers.  I don't. I am on a journey, and the stopping points upon the way are unknown. I have more questions than ever before, and am learning that to live in the place of unknowing can be unsettling at best but it is a great place to stand for personal and spiritual growth.

What I do is  I live with the intention to keep two prayers ever before me... Lord, my God who are you and who am I? (St. Francis of Assisi) and Spirit of the Living God, as it was said of you, to be your task.. please, lead me into all truth.  Those two prayers are my compass, my road map, my orientation....When having begun to pray them over the last couple of years, I would have never (in my wildest imagination) been able to picture the life and love and liberty I touch now.

So yoga? Yes! Yoga.... I stand firm.  Listen, Peter had a vision as he laid upon a roof top and in a moment there was no longer clean and unclean food.  The people of that age struggled over what it meant for a whole other people group to be coming into Spiritual awakening without being circumcised first.  People were coming to life and being made full in Spirit and the religious of the day stood gasping. I can imagine screaming, "wait.. wait." The ways once known were being disrupted.  Spirit was being poured out upon all flesh.

So I go to a yoga studio.  I partake in all aspects. I have never felt more alive or more free within my faith or strong as a person who loves God.  The constraints of a religious life have fallen off of me and I have found and am finding the freedom of Spirit. Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom.  I have found an interior life, that is more resounding with the Christ I said I served for decades, but didn't fully touch. I have left (as much as I can and am trying to do so more) exterior facades of faith for an interior reality that is more faithful to the ways of God.

I have written and please, God, hope to write even more for any spiritual community that can hear and feel Spirit in the words that I hunger to put to paper, (web). I will walk into proverbial samaria and every place it would be said that, "we don't go," because the founder of my faith did just that.  I love people more than I ever have and I meet more of them now that I ever did, I sit with people now without agenda and begin to know them and let them begin to know me...

I am not out to convince anyone that they have to do yoga.  I do believe that as a population we need to understand how to breathe in a way that actually brings life to our bodies. I do believe that bringing movement and breath and practice together helps calm the mind, take every thought captive, and bring forth a mind that is more at peace.  I do believe discernment and not fear is the way of love and life and liberty.

I will end (for now) with a story...

It was a poignant moment for me. Maybe because so many of you have told me I'm going to hell. Oh please.. tongue in cheek there. Although many of you have. I'm smiling and understanding the journey as best as any of us can.

I want you to picture the scene with me; huge meeting tent, torrential down pour of rain, lightening and thunder and speakers that were still plugged into a live source of electricity. I stood with two others as we were attempting to wait out the storm.  The conversation drifted into a place that would open my eyes to reality of spirituality in many traditions.  A portion of the conversation was upon Sanskrit and the pronunciation.

My experience into yoga has been beautiful.  The places I partake in yoga practice are open and flowing. I hadn't nor have I ever encountered a rigidity of thought or practice.  It doesn't mean it isn't out there.  It just has not been my experience. So within the conversation, there was a statement made that there are some within yoga community who the exact pronunciation of words means so much to that to mispronounce a word would send said person, who mispronounced, to hell.  The moment was a "taking in information," moment for me. When one prays to the divine do the words matter? The words matter? Maybe to some but what is what? I did also think for a moment upon how the religious of all traditions sound a like. This way (my way of this way) or hell. Gosh, what options. (We have that in Christendom. For as many YouTube videos anyone can find about yoga and Christianity and what that's all about, there are plenty of videos within the "tribe" Baptists saying Charismatics are going to Hell, Charismatics and Pentecostals saying that  unless one speaks in tongues they are going to hell. I mean.. misstep and its fire and flames for us all I guess.) Ok I soooo got off topic.  But instead of focusing on hell and who is and isn't going there, I want to pour my heart out and love, I want to set my gaze rightly and love and see people for the light that each one is....

Finishing up....  In the midst of the conversation, the most beautiful words would be spoken. It was a remembrance of what was taught to them. Would a mother chastise a toddler for mispronouncing a word? Love triumphs over all.
Isn't that the basis of all true spirituality? Love one another! For the world is so loved!

These aren't my most articulate pieces. They just aren't.  I'm sorting through myself. I'm wanting to walk with love and wisdom. I don't want to be angry or afraid. At the same time resisting the urge to be trite and petty. I'm human. Part of this conversation pisses me off. And I could easily go off on a tirade. I know myself. Except that isn't what my heart really wants.  I understand there is new ground and that this person says this and that person says that and what are you to believe?  I'd say trust and know that asking for bread you will not be given a stone.  If you seek true understanding it will come. Search out and seek for yourself, be open ... I choose to believe that all of us want to have eyes that really see, ears that really hear and hearts that really can ever so slightly comprehend the ways of The Spirit as much as humanity can.

Maybe we can lose the "hell" talk for a while and just talk......... That would be my greatest heart's desire...

A year without fear.... Week 3: Habits are forming and fun is being found

This morning I got up early, grabbed my car keys and made my trek to Heritage Park.

I pulled into the gravel parking lot and paused as I sat in my car.  I love this place. I love watching the sun rise..  Sundays mark the transition to a new week.  They are the perfect reminder for me to pause, and remember that seven more days have passed.  Another week has been lived. The journey is taking on steam.

WEEK 3 BEGINS!!!!

They say it takes 21 days to build a habit....
My new habit... Well, it is actually living a life I would want to and showing up to said life as the me I would want to be/become.

I don't always bring my journal to my outings.  There are times I just want to sit quietly without pen and paper. However today felt like a day to carry along the pages that hold my heart's truest expression.

Sitting among the grass, the rocks, the sky, the colors, the morning my heart took flight.

My first sentence reverberated a sentiment that began years ago.. That statement that began to ricochet throughout my entire being.  "I can't do this anymore."  I've written about that time in many other posts.  Again, not wanting to live from a place of negativity I set out to discover what then I could do, what then I wanted to do.

The first sentence I wrote today; "I didn't want the life I was living. I didn't really know what I wanted. BUT I admitted the truth to myself."  That was a huge step.  To allow myself to hear myself. To allow my heart to really speak, not that which it was programmed to through life and religion but what it really wanted to say... Myself would be my first audience, a trusted few my second.. the world my third!

I realized how much I had pushed that expression down because of fear... but I let the most secret of desires become the  slightest of whispers  and smile now as they become liken more unto a shout, song. A truer reverberation of my soul.

The joy and trepidation I feel these days, at times equally, eventually do bring a smile to my face. The what ifs try to taunt.. What if I fail? What if I can't do this? What if it everything just is a flop? But I'm now getting really good at turning those what ifs around!  What if I can do this? What if I succeed? What if everything soars?  Those have their own places to adjust towards.  But the energy and vitality that those what ifs create versus the wet blanket syndrome of the other what ifs, I'll take any day.

Have you started yet?  Are you working of the "Days before the Year without Fear?"  What do you do?

1. Pause and Get Quiet. What are the whispers of your heart that want to be heard? What life would you want to be living?  Listen to me... Not all the answers are going to be grandiose. They better not be :)  Simple and small steps, cultivating the seeds of hope and new life, listening to the soul's song and hearing it's melody. That is a huge first step.
2. Find Some Trusted People.  Not all my peeps in this arena were "old friends."  Actually some of them were very new to my life.  Be Honest With Yourself.  (And others as you can)  Honesty crushes fear. I remember the days sitting in the office of an episcopal priest. (A new faithful friend) as I could say things and ask questions that didn't rock his world though they were creating very high scores on the Richter Scale in mine. What? Find people who your new doubts, fears, discoveries, questions won't affect.  The people in my immediate sphere couldn't or wouldn't always handle the questions I wanted or needed to ask,  my changes and challenges were too close to home.  Find those who really can be objective. The people who have nothing to gain and nothing to lose from changes and challenges in your life.
3. Take The First Steps.  Be open to the fact that they might not always be what you might think they are... Sometimes it is just sitting with a "new friend," asking the hard questions that are coursing through your frame. Sometimes it is taking that first step, meeting that new person, going to a new group meeting.  Sometimes it is just journaling and being more honest with yourself then maybe you ever have, even in your very own journal.  
4. Keep Walking...  There will be days that you might feel like Lot's wife.  She looked back and turned to salt.  Let me tell you looking back won't turn you into salt. And there is actually a lot to say about this. But for now be aware nostalgia takes on different forms. When the world starts to change (even in small ways), you might think it was better before you started out upon your journey.  It wasn't. Find the place within or the good friend that will remind you.  As the song 2am, aka Breathe, says you are just as far in as you are out... KEEP WALKING!!!!  It will get better. And then it won't. Then it will.  Then it won't. But then it will and you will begin to discover that though it has its ups and downs, living the more true expression of your life is a life worth living then any shadow of such a thing.
5. Laugh, Cry, Shout................. (or Journal)  Feel and express and keep notes....  I have a journal for last July.. The first page has this desire upon it.. "I want to know more about the Body, Soul, Spirit connection.) On July 16, 2014 I hadn't even started yoga. I had begun to walk more true to a spiritual journey that was laying its claim upon my life, but I hadn't taken physical steps away from that which I didn't want to do anymore. I was beginning to count and understand the personal cost of what my journey forward might entail, I really had no clue.  But having a journal to go back to and smile at and realize how far I have come upon the journey... brings both smiles and tears.  It also brings courage.

So for this week... here is just a brief overview of some of my steps of breaking away from a fearful life and finding a life that's full....

I admitted I was good at something in front of someone. I heard my own voice and heart be willing to say, I can do this... That takes more courage then one might think.  At the same time allowed myself to be taught.  Continued to admit I wanted something different, though the continued cost bears down upon me at times in ways that I can't fully fathom stealing my breath away.  I remind myself to find my breath!  Asked an awkward question that showed I didn't really understand a response I got but got the answer I needed and it was all ok.  Stepped closer and closer to my dream. (Sent out a recording to my mentor of me teaching some yoga students.)  AND.....  Last week I face the week and day that marked the one year anniversary of my beloved Auntie passing away.... Folks if that is all I did last week that would have been more than enough... But amidst memories flooding of in, recapping events of the year past, I would show up to life and live.....

So stepping into week 3... I have my list of things I  am going to do and I am also aware that surprises are always upon the path... Here's to facing the known and the unknown

A year without fear continues........................................

I am not confused....

I want to introduce to the music I have been sitting with... Leaning into...  As the lyrics and music fill the air around me I am found happy.

I want to talk ....I will give you the link... I will give you the words...

So much of my journey has brought me into a place of understanding the stories of wheat and tares, of being careful of what one calls good and what one calls evil, of how the Spirit of the Lord exists in freedom and love far away from fear and restriction.  I would have you  notice the name of this blog.  The place is Samaria.  It is a place in Christian scripture where the religious faithful were told not to go, except we find Christ there.  We see Christ letting lepers touch Him, letting a woman with the issue of blood touch Him, letting children come unto Him.  The first of those two encounters would have made the Christ ceremonially unclean.  The religious of the day struggled.  How can this be? Isn't this of the devil? This is foreign?  They were afraid. They were threatened.  They enjoyed post and title and lifestyle.  They enjoyed the feeling of being the exclusive "holy people," except Christ ruined that by showing up on the scene calling tax collector, fisherman, plain folk to Himself.  Redefining "holy people," forever.

I just ask you before you think round peg round hole in regards to Yoga, and quickly negate the reality of the wealth that it brings to our bodies, our minds, our very beings, I would ask you to pause.

So here is one of my favorite new songs. I worship to it as if it was Misty Edwards or a song out of Bethel. Yes, I DO!  I am made full of Spirit and life and love as the words and music fill the space around me....

Here is the song:  Aad Guray Nameh   Sung by Snatam Kaur

Here are the words: Aad Guray Nameh, Jugaad Guray Nameh, Sat Guray Nameh, Siri Guroo Dayvay Nameh

Here is the interpretation of  the Lyrics....

I bow to the primal Guru
I bow to the truth that has existed throughout the ages
I bow to True Wisdom

I bow to the Great Divine Wisdom

Here's why I am not confused....

I do bow to the primal guru!

I do bow to the truth that has existed throughout the ages

I do bow to True Wisdom

I do bow to the Great Divine Wisdom...

I know who my teacher is (aka meaning of guru)  

I know the truth that has existed throughout the ages

I know True Wisdom

I know the Great Divine Wisdom

I am not confused as to what and who that is....... I am not afraid. I am full. I am touching joy and beauty and life and light.  I am not confused... I stand upon my mat and I know to whom I am grounded into .. I know to who I abide in... I am confident of this that having begun a good work in me there is a capacity of the Godhead to bring it to completion and that NOTHING separates me from the LOVE found in that place.

Our God is expansive. Our Spirit is so free. Our lives are so blessed.

What's Demonic?

I don't write publicly as often right now.  I can realize that I am in  such a season of paradigm shift and change that to put words out there in cyberspace today seems like, well maybe I won't believe that or feel that way soon and so caution has been the mode of operandi. Discernment of when to speak and when to be silent and let process, change and paradigm shift just happen...

The last few days have been interesting to me in regards to a particular pursuit of mine, and it has come to a place where I choose to not be silent.

I realize something about myself these days, however, and that  is that there are underlying streams of anger that I am processing through.  Anger at myself.  Anger at choices I have made.  Anger at religious stupidity and the lack of pursuit of true discernment and the fallback to lazy listening (I'll get back to that in a bit).  In understanding this about myself I have also wanted to exercise caution, because I don't want to be an "angry" person, writing from an angry perspective.

I desire to be thoughtful and thought provoking, but I hunger to do so with a heart of peace and a heart hungry for true exploration.

With those two disclaimers out of the way, I enter into this piece....

So what practice of mine has people asking me all sorts of questions? What practice of mine has a huge spectrum of thought and ish attached to it?  A simple and profound 4 letter word.  Yoga.

Why? One might ask... Why would yoga have me on the receiving end of some thoughtful and not so thoughtful questions and comments?  Well because I have lived  spiritually for a very long time as a Christian.  I have spent the last 24 years (I'm 43) following (as best as I have known how) the spiritual path of Christ.  I have spent the majority of that time in non-denominational Charismatic type churches and organizations.  There is a vast spectrum of beliefs out there in Christian circles regarding the practice of yoga. I have in my three short months bumped up to a multitude of them. And some of you have been so kind (sarcastic.. sorry) to send me youtube videos as to educate me towards the heresy I have participated in... Seriously... that is maybe one sentence I should have edited out but I thought it too fun to include.

So let me first be honest to say I have only participated in yoga for three months.  They have been life changing months and I love my journey into this time but it is brief.  I do not write this as an expert on yoga.  I write this as an expert on living on the edges of what Christians would say is acceptable or not.

Within the spheres my husband and I have walked and lived in we have encountered much in regards to people thinking my husband or I are some sort of heretic.  Upon those watch dog websites his name is listed among some of our best friends.. Oh please laugh at this .. It is someone's false notion that the Christian world needs to be protected against the Holy Spirit and His gifts.  Anyway.. I digress.  I'm not new to controversial subjects is what I am saying.

When I taught on the reality of talking plain speak and not talking Christianese, of empowering people into learning to communicate spiritual realities in a way that would really impact all people I was told that I was going to hell.  Can't make some of this stuff up....

What I would want people to know about me is I take spiritual reality very seriously.

There's so much I could put into this post.  But for now I want to keep it brief and I don't want to "tell," you anything... I want you to learn to think and question and discern for yourself....

I have received comments and questions on the spectrum such as... How dare I use my influence and not understand how people view Stir The Water and I  and so flippantly talk about attending yoga, when it is demonic?   First I would like to say I don't flippantly talk about much, I actually care very much about language and words and think very carefully and precisely about words I use.  Second, I disagree with the premise that yoga is demonic.  Then comes on the other end.  The private messages.. the texts... the calls.. the thank yous... the thank yous from others who have had to walk this line in their churches balancing out faith and practice.  So it's for that second group of people that I choose to write.

So here.. here is where I could go off and talk about how yoga, in and of itself is not a religion.. and could talk about so much but instead of doing that I want to put some questions out there...

Specifically addressing the comments I get the most... "But so and so says its bad at best, demonic at worst."  Well, I personally have known some of those so and so people... so let me ask you these questions....

What's more "demonic?"  And can I just say I HATE that word especially when so "flippantly" thrown out there.... especially in this regard but that is the word that is used in this context so let's go there...

A practice that has brought life, love, courage, strength, and joy into my life and has empowered me to reside more deeply within my body (as one who has survived and thrived away  from abuse and didn't like dwelling within my body) or practices I witnessed first hand where the so and so person you name went on rampages treating staff and others carelessly and with words and "practices," time after time that would classify as anything but christlike behavior.

Or how about the time when so and so person because of personal preferences in regards to tattoos made an individual's life feel the affect of displeasure? Or the time when so and so person .... and that list could go on and on and on...

You see I take the word, demonic, pretty seriously.  I take discernment and choice very seriously.  And I take influence that people have very very seriously.

What I would say is if it doesn't feel right for you don't do it.. but don't speak cart blanche about something under the guise of religious fear... If we live that way then we don't follow Christ into all the different "Samarias," of the world... if we live in religious fear and don't engage in discernment and with lazy ears only listen to the so and so expert who has never walked into a yoga studio, then we don't follow the Man who let lepers, women, tax- collectors etc etc touch Him, walk with Him, be with Him.....  The Man who walked and engaged with all sorts of people that the religious of the day would call unclean, demonic and that list goes on and on... As does the list of things they called Him..

Let's instead embrace words like:

Freedom... choice... discernment... life... joy... exploration...  

Let's realize that there are things that are really dark in spiritual reality and this is NOT one of them.. let's not give into religious fear and hide in the shadows or even try to christianize something that is just ok without the hyper spiritualization...  I can say Om Shante and proclaim peace as much as I say peace when and if I would say Shalom...

Let's discovery love and not fear..

 I've seen such beauty in my faith but I have seen such ugly and utterly horrible behavior in the name of Christ and I have seen the lack of discernment bring horrible things to pass as has small thinking and religious fear.

 I have heard too many call that which is beautiful profane....

Trust yourself...

I smiled.  I have learned something.

Many years ago, I wanted to learn about a specific subject.
I sat quietly. I fasted and meditated. I leaned into that which I wanted to know.

But then there was another voice. An interior place, that spoke and reminded me of another man, who had spent more time and was very well known in regards to his understanding upon the subject that I wanted to know.

I bought a tape series. (Yes, I date myself)

I felt Spirit tell me not to listen.
But convinced that this man knew more and held deeper wisdom I placed each tape in to my car.

When all was said and done. When the last words were listened to, Spirit came back to me and spoke and shared the heart beat of my God.  Because I would rather be taught by men, there would be a season now where that was what I would get. Holy Spirit's voice would go silent for a season.  Why?  There was nothing upon those tapes that I hadn't learned from spending quiet time and being in the Presence of God.  I had learned. I just had not trusted.  I had heard. I just wouldn't believe.

In this season of overcoming fear, and living a life I had once only dreamed of being slightly possible, I am stepping out and learning to trust myself.  Learning to trust the intuition that hundreds have trusted.  I am learning to trust it for myself.

So it came upon me to glean from the teachings of another man.  And I am NOT saying that that is never in the cards of life. Learning from each other and the wisdom we each hold is a precious gift.  Upon this season, I could feel Spirit watching and waiting.  I put the down the book. I spent the time. I was quiet. I was still. I began to know for myself.  Then it was ok to read the book. I smiled and I cried.  My personal lessons were enhanced by the author's words.  But it was already living deep within.

Step by step.. I'm learning to trust... Try it.... We are told that if we cease our striving we will know, and if we are still we will know. But we live in a society that says there are experts to be trusted beyond your own voice.  What I am saying and what I know first hand, is that most of those "experts," making a living off of your doubt.  Be courageous and trust that you will know when to lean into being still and ceasing striving after and when you will need the words of another.  Trust, trust and grow... trust and grow strong....

It is certainly a most amazing feeling. Be not afraid.. You are amazing... Get to know yourself.... Listen to your voice.. hear your heart beat.. Believe and trust and know....

A year without fear.... Week 2 begins

FEAR: BE AFRAID..... BE VERY AFRAID... 
(the voice of the emotion)

It's gruesome. It's raw.  We don't want to look at unpleasant pictures.

This picture spoke the most to me as I searched for one to begin the week.
What does fear do?

It mutes us.

I wish I could find a picture, maybe I'll hire a model and take one myself. The image I would create would be a person sitting on a chair with hands and feet and mind bound. Not just mouth covered with tape.  Maybe a person's whole body.  Fear paralyses.

There are very legitimate reasons.
I understand. I do....
Fear screams that our options are limited, that we are going to fail, that we will be humiliated, that we can't really do it, why bother trying, a million what ifs (and they all end badly).  Fear takes its toll upon a person.  No longer standing straight and tall, being able to make eye contact. Fear doesn't just affect the mind. It robs the soul. It suffocated the spirit. It grounds and creates the flightless bird.

Challenge for week 2: Look at pictures of fear.  Look at it. Get to know it. Feel it within yourself.  How can you overcome an enemy (and that is what fear is) if you do not know it.  My husband and I have taught an advanced class to Empaths, Seers, Intuitive people etc, while the title is simple the material is not.  We call it the Advanced Seer Course. The material takes the empath and walks them through what virtues and vices feel like, look like, sound like, smell like and taste like.  Sounds a bit odd but in the end, the empath leaves the class more able to understand what it is that they are feeling and sensing within any specific atmosphere.

Understanding fear. Knowing what it feels like when its upon your mind and your body, your soul and the very essence of you, will always be helpful in breaking away and moving into freedom.

Admittedly very cliche but I would rather equip myself on how to be more like the little blue engine that could then have myself staring at a mountain afraid and immobile.

............................................................................................................

THE JOURNEY.... Making it Personal. Becoming real

The journey of week 1:  Small ways are not insignificant.  They can be more impacting then stomping on the head of fear in a large and demonstrative way.  I stepped into my week not expecting to go bungee jumping every day, or run ten miles (although for you that might have been it.) You see that would be my natural inclination.  Do it big. Defeat fear in large ways. Making it splashy and extroverted and cool.  But my largest journey against fear is a very personal one.  The largest question is will I let the real Mims Driscoll live? Will I discover who that is and then be true to who I really am?  Will I quietly live afraid inside while living this life on the outside that onlookers think is full of courage and strength?  Will the most authentic me show up when everything in me is screaming to hide?

This week the answer to that question was more a YES, than a NO.  This week I learned deep things about myself and shrugged off the voices of others, who have said.. I'm this and I'm that or I'm not this or that anymore.  This week I would say that 84.5% I answered the call of the day and lived as me.

So my ten this week:

1) I posted in a blog post a picture, that not even some of my closest friends of the last couple years, had ever seen of me. A picture, of myself, that I wish did not exist.  But that I use as a place of inspiration. A picture I now use as a remembrance. A remembrance that when I set my heart upon something I can achieve. A picture that isn't just for me but that has spoken to you and was needing to come out of the closet.  No more shame for who I used to be or what I used to look like.  No more humiliation, no more hiding.  It's been a journey to get to where I am and it is a journey in front of me.... each step has held a piece. This was a significant one to share.

2) I modified (aka admitted I couldn't do something) in a yoga class.  It started with strep, continued with a virus that just kept on ticking.  But beyond physical weakness and limitations, I found myself in a yoga class that I had to leave. Literally got turned around, thinking it was the room. Nope.. it was me. Found my mat. Rolled it up and walked out.  (Touched the first yoga class I couldn't power through or even go to child's pose to finish).  Another class... had to modify with blocks, blankets, and bolsters. The brilliant aspect to it all was I stood, sat and laid down and listened to my body. No, I can't do this today.. no, it doesn't say all that I could hear it saying.  I'm not strong enough. I am actually stronger than I've ever been because I listened to what my body needed and responded to my needs.  THIS... on and OFF the mat is changing my life.

3) This isn't a slight to anyone.  John Wimber used to say his detractors were his favorite people. They kept him honest he would say....  So #3.  Learning to arise with grace and appreciation to those who have a very different way of looking at my life and yoga journey.  This week in (its #5) releasing a brand to actually describe that which I am doing set off a new round of comments and expressions.  Taking it in stride.  Allowing my emotions to be what they are and my thoughts to be what they are and allow others to have their journey and their thoughts and walk in grace humbly with each other.  This is becoming a life long goal.  While it is personal. It isn't personal. While some of the comments can sting. They only do so if I let them. They can not control my response. I do that.  So make it what I want it to be... Full of grace, smiles, and perspective.

4) This is just a fun one. A hard one but a fun one.  There are people I do yoga every day with.  I see their faces. Then we go to our own practice and out towards our own lives.  But there are a few and have been some that capture my heart.  Some amazing friendships have formed. New ones are forming.  But they start with a "hi" after class, or an introduction while walking to the cars.  I did several of those first "hi" moments and asking for coffee this week. It felt great to be getting to know new people and hearing about them and their lives and their story. Fear would say a million things here if you let it. Fear loves isolation.  But whats the worst that can happen? I mean really....  Saying hi, sharing a smile... asking someone who you've seen for months for a simple coffee... its great. And the diversity of people that I am meeting has filled and enriched my life immensely.  Loving my yoga community. It is a joy to be making their introductions.

5) Here it is... Stood up (not really but really) and said.. I have been living a life. I have talents. I have skills. I am more than capable in some areas. I am learning in others. I have been thinking about a dream for a long time.  NOW ITS TIME.  I am a spiritual director. I am growing in passion for yoga therapy as I have started to work with individuals within this realm. I am a teacher, a retreat leader, a woman, a creative being, and so much more. I have a song deep within me that I have whispered or suffocated. No longer....  In small ways I am letting it out  and in loud ways I find myself singing my song, hearing its reverberation through my body and into the air and surrounding atmosphere.

But what if you fail? What if it turns out to be nothing? Hey Gremlins... What if it turns out to be something? What if I add hard word to the dream and it emerges as a life?  What if I soar? What if I break through those storm clouds and create something that touches the lives of others?  Those are the "WHAT IFs" I'm entertaining these days.

Living Mangaliso... Had its birth this week!  It was hard to push that "go live," button. However it would have been harder not to..... Living Mangaliso is a passion of mine.  Mangaliso, a Zulu term, for "you are an amazement."  To live a life that pours out of its ever crevice the song that sings to others that they are an amazement is a life worth living.....  So LIVE it went...

6)Again a seemingly small victory over fear. But if you come from where I come from, you will quickly understand this one was probably the biggest.  Using the word Yoga over the word Movement.  I'm just going to leave this at that.  But this was an extremely large victory. One where I choose me and my truest expression over modification.  Sometimes its just what needs to be done.

7) Taught 1/2 a yoga class locally.  Oh you can do anything when you aren't in your home town. But step into your dream in the place where you live and it matters more.  This was it.... can I do this here? Can I teach adults and not just children or teens?  I knew I could. I did. I'll admit that. But wondered would the courage come out or would the nerves win out.  Throughout the day I went through the class in my head. Then all of a sudden, this small voice smiled within me and said... "You were made for this." SHIFT....  Something was different within.  FIND your own "you were made for this."  Journey until you do. Step outside comfort zone and anything you thought you would or wouldn't be. (This time last year I hadn't even ever taken a yoga class.) Pursuing my dream where I live .. this week that was huge... and it was an amazing feeling.

8) Stepped into a most honest communication and asked for something I really needed.  Fear was saying to me, don't bring it up. Fear was saying that I will lose. It felt a bit like getting on the proverbial plank to walk it out.I needed to ask a question.  Then I got an answer that was good but I could feel as minutes passed, as did a couple hours.. I needed more.  ( We have needs. I'm learning that that is ok. Nothing to be ashamed about. Hasn't always been my reality. But new ways are being written.)  I must say this interaction  was taking place within the confines of what has proven to be a very safe relationship.  Except there are always unknowns. Communication is a high value of mine.  In this journey away from fear, I've seen it as a most potent tool.  So I continued the conversation and opened my heart and risked.  Receiving an answer back that would hold me until further communication could be had.  I know myself. Without that last piece the weekend would have been looking very differently. Communicate. Oh just so you know. It wasn't the perfect articulation of just the right amount of words.  It was what I could do at the moment.  Step into what you can do in the moment. I'm learning it then grows.

9) Let myself rest.  Stepping into pursuing a dream can take long days and hours.  My body roared at me on Saturday that it still wasn't 100% and I needed to back off or it was going to quit on me on more than one level.  So as I grappled with the reality that the world didn't need to be spinning, that I could lay down and go horizontal for a while.. I listened.  Rest it was.  Once again listening to my body and not doing.  That is as much a victory for me as the stepping out.

10) I hate navigating the world of  marketing and networking.  Prior work experiences have somewhat ruined that world for me. Plus I so much prefer relationship and natural happenings to happen.  But there are people I would want to meet that my life doesn't organically cross paths with. This week I made a long list of those people; who I would like to meet with, talk to, and engage with.  I took that list and made phone calls and sent off emails. I'm beginning to have coffee with people I would have never met. I'm learning from them.  I'm grateful for their time.  I've learned I'm different. I'm learning that I can walk the aspects of "networking" differently.  I'm learning I can be me and show up as me and life becomes real and fun.


This week... I met myself time after time.  Shook off the voice and affects of fear and stepped into life and living.  I heard my no as well as yes. I communicated well and without effort and there were moments I couldn't find the articulation to save my life.  I smiled and said "hi" to new people who will move away from being the "new" people in my life. (At least some of them.)

This week... I found my way and I got lost.

This week... My first week of this living experiment, A Year without Fear,  my eyes were open to the most amazing "What ifs," and my heart grew and my feet walked and I lived.

Breathing is easy... Yeah, right

It should be a no brainer.

I have kids. I have six kids. I've heard myself over the years. "Breathe," I would say. A shot for a vaccination. (Breathe) Heck, giving birth to each one of them, what did the nurse, doctor, midwife or doula tell me to do? BREATHE.

I've watched different children react to circumstances in their lives.  On the cusp of different moments, I've watched them hold their breath.  I've looked them gently in the eyes, "Breathe," I've said.  "You've got this," I've said. "Just breathe," we've all said at one point in our lives to ourselves or another.  I've also watched anger and reactionary moments and thought, "breathe," this too will pass. I've heard the first breath a human being has taken, I've stood beside sorrow, suffering and death and watched one I loved deeply gasping for every single breath. and I've gotten the news that one has ceased to breath.  

No, breathing isn't easy.

I have never thought so much about breath and my history with it, as I have these days.  How much I've held my breath.  When have I held my breath? Where am I breathing? When am I not breathing? Deep and powerful intakes of new, fresh breath with corresponding exhales, or gasping for breath as I hold it, waiting for the next proverbial shoe to drop.  Shallow, chest breathing filled my life. This reality was something I discovered very quickly as I started my yoga practice, I recall saying to my husband that my body felt airier. I felt space course into my spine.  It was noticeable.  There was this one moment where someone even approached me and expressed how differently I was carrying myself, how different I was walking.

Breath, movement and coming to terms with my body and receiving it more fully. Letting breath in.

Letting breath in means making space for it.  Seems like a simple enough statement.  But making interior space for something means something else is going to be displaced.  Interior self doesn't always navigate that so well.  Taking in a deep breath of fresh air, holding it within one's body, and then exhaling breath might seem like a no brainer. But taken consciously it is a very intimate act that connects body with spirit and soul. Breath connects oneself to oneself and to Holy Spirit.  At our origin breath and dirt were what brought us into being.

In that light, the importance of touching and understanding breath takes on a new relevance. I have never known just how many ways there are to breathe and take in breath. From breath of fire, to three part breathing, to alternate nostril, to my personal new favorite (thanks to an amazing yoga teacher) is bee breathing.  I've experimented. I've struggled. I've not been able to figure a method out and needed help.

Needed help breathing?

Absolutely!

My therapist and I will touch on a subject that well, goes to places my whole body doesn't want to go.. What happens? I stop breathing. What needs to happen?  BREATHE! Breath needs to enter my body. What really needs to happen?  I need to be able to relax and take in air and let it saturate my being bringing calm and reassurance. A gentle vocal reminder, "breathe," is spoken. Eyes close, breath is inhaled into my being, and I sit quietly letting those places in me absorb the new, fresh breath. I let my soul be saturated by clean, fresh air. I sit.  I remember. I am encouraged to breathe.

When I couldn't do Breath of Fire during my Kundalini (aka uses Breath of Fire alot) training, I finally just admitted, "I can't do this." The kindest of men stilled a class and brought instruction, grace and a moment forward teaching me to be gentle with myself and let even that breath come.  In trying to do three part breath there are places in my body that don't want to open. There are places in my body that struggle to take in new air.  The old air might be stagnant and stale but how to convince my body to let go and release?  Again another's kindness empowers me towards kindness to self.  Another's kindness teaches me to listen to my body and allow it the space it needs to learn how to relax and how to receive breathe, life, healing and joy.

Breath is a powerful component to our living.  One that maybe we don't spend enough time upon.

I've learned to notice the quality of my breath. I've learned to just let my breath be what it is in the moment, and I've received tools that empower me to receive breath deeper and fuller into my body.  I am grateful.

If we don't breathe, it is proven, that a person will  pass out and the  body will, in normal circumstances, take over. But what happens if in life we are breathing just enough that that doesn't happen? We can live a long time on in a shallow place. I lived a long time in a shallow place.  My body, blood, heart and soul hungering for more air then I was allowing in, so grateful for the grace that carried me on and whispered in my ear....  

"Breathe!"

It's out of the bag....... A Year Without Fear ...

Until today it was just me and my journal that knew about this project.  But I could feel the juices flowing once I began to talk to a really great friend of mine.  All of a sudden I knew it was time!

I'm turning the "What if" syndrome on its head!

You know that syndrome. I am sure you do. Me and it have been best friends for a long time.  But I am giving it a face life.

Instead of the doom and gloom or just plain blah "what ifs," I am throwing splashes of color upon all that grey and doubt; oh, and fear.

I've lived about a month now in what I have called "Before the year without fear."  I refuse to extract something out of myself ever again.I'm taking my time. I'm giving myself permission to not know the "exactlys." I'm letting just my toes dip in and feeling things out.  I've always been the plunge kind of girl, jump in and think later. Now I have been wooing my soul forward. 

In this month I have thought what will this year be like? Who will I be in a year?  What will I be doing?  A year ago today I hadn't even started yoga and now I'm finishing up all requirements to become a teacher at the 200 hour level! Already working. Unveiling a brand new concept called Living Mangaliso, and so much more.  Gosh, didn't see that coming.  So like Pocahontas I'm wondering what is beyond that river bend.

So what practically does this year without fear look like? I've been asking myself that question all month long.

Well let's look at some quotes first... Sometimes its just fun to play. That's going to be a big push for this year. Lighten up. Play. Laugh. Enjoy. GROW!

I only want people around me who can do the impossible.  
Elizabeth Arden

“Women, like men, should try to do the impossible. And when they fail, their failure should be a challenge to others.” Amelia Earhart

There is nothing impossible to him who will try  .. Alexander the Great

Thomas Edison once said, "Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration." I won't assume "genius" status but I like the reality that inspiration is only a very small factor. Putting the feet to the pavement will be the real deal.  

So what will it look like... I'm mean how will I know if the year that goes between 8/15/2015 to 8/15/2016 is lived without fear.  Well, I already know it won't be.  It's not about not being afraid. It is about living the year stepping out and living.  I'm not even talking big grandiose things here. Living the year without letting fear hinder.

I'm doing more things for the first time  then I have ever done before. I've taught my first yoga class, I'm working with some of my first yoga therapy clients, I'm taking on new spiritual directees, I'm forming new small groups, I'm creating and walking (actually.. I walked 2 miles barefoot today. Why? Because I wanted to and I wasn't going to let fear of "what will people think," stop me!). That's what I mean. It's the bigger things like; yup, starting a brand, calling it Living Mangaliso. It's also the daily little things.  Meeting a new neighbor, going out to coffee with someone for the first time, and oh yeah.. taking that walk barefooted.  Wear the clothes you want to, get the tattoo, go to the yoga class.. (I showed up to my first yoga class having never even watched a YouTube video... Just because I knew it was time.) Nike doesn't have a brilliant slogan for nothing... 

Just do it..... 

My year without fear also has me purposefully asking for help when I need it, canceling out the words humiliated and failure. It won't be that the realities of those things might not show up but I've made the decision it's ok if they do... I'll start again the next day, or hour or even  just the next minute (I mean why wait a whole day?)

There are poses I want to try and learn how to do... I know from learning head stand that that means lots of falls along the way. That's ok.. it's more about the practice then the pose.  I'm having a hard time with three part breath or breath of fire.. I know the people I can ask for help... And I'm going to. I'm not going to be ashamed or let shame or feeling foolish stop me.  

There are things I want to learn, places I want to go, and people (I don't even know yet) that I want to meet....

So what stops you?

For me it was the fear of looking foolish, being wrong and/or making a mistake....

So now if I look foolish, if I'm wrong and when I make a mistake... I'm going to smile at myself, maybe even laugh.. Agree, that yup that might have been foolish.. But how would I have ever known unless I tried...

So another practical note... Ten things every week....  Ten times a week put myself out there.. small ways ...larger ways.. I'll stay in touch on this... I'll post the ten things I do... Give yourself the time to set yourself up well...  Do your own "Before the year without fear." Find what's important to you. Listen to yourself.  Let you show up... Listen to yourself, your voice, your heart and take a step.. take two.. and then keep walking ...

Feel free to share your weekly ten.....