An evening with a guest I had invited and upon arrival realized that.... I then didn't want said guest to actually, really show up......

I haven't shared moments like these as I once did.  But upon this evening I have learned grace, kindness, gentleness and patience in ways I knew not before this evening....  This conversation bares down upon my being. I know it will bare much in the times to come....  Sit with Him yourself and listen to that which He will say. Be careful when and where you invite Him, for when He shows up...

 "Speak, oh Lover. We are listening!"

"I've never felt so quieted before." I said
"And that's a bad thing?" Came the question back.
"No. Just not used to it so much." I replied.


"I used to feel more confident in what I had to say."
Silence.
There was no response.
Not knowing if I should share more or if the silence was necessary; I, too, paused.
I have begun to slightly trust this more.  So while anxiety did push upon my heart and thoughts raced within my mind; I leaned into intentionally quieting my soul.
"And now." Spoken with a slight smile, a noticeable twinkle in the eye.
"And now.... " I paused, for I knew not really how to finish that answer.
"Now I feel quiet. Now I wish you would speak more. Now I touch the hem of silence and quiet and feel their force. Now I look to trust more than to speak. Now I weep at the pausing and it's power.  Now I tremble at the stillness and the knowledge that comes from it's depths.  Now I look to you. Now I know not what to say."


"I would disagree." Was the response.
To which it was my turn to pause. Allowing silence to fill the space between us, cascading over the both us of, drawing us deeper into each other.


"My heart misses what I feel it once knew." Not referring to education or instruction but to the most interior and intrinsic ideas that our hearts knew before we programmed them not to hear, see or know.
"So go back a few steps."
"It feels like more than just a few steps."


Pauses. Stillness. Quiet.

"You're waiting for me to say more this time," I said breaking the silence.
"I am."

"But I don't know what to say."
To which the silence took on a slightly different feel as distance was added.
"Wait." Everything in me shouted. Terrified that the distance would only increase.

"I'm afraid."
Immediately the atmosphere filled back.
"That which I know causes me sorrow. The places I lack understanding bare down upon my heart."
"They only bare down upon your heart because in truth, you lack not the understanding you think, you just refuse to embrace that which you most truly know. You play dumb. You play safe. You see and while you ask to see, you negate that which you see. You hear and then deafen both ear and heart. You play safe."


I began to say, "but I don't understand, or the excuse of 'I don't mean to'" except I  could only feel so deep within the untruth of that statement.
The night was young. The discussion poised to be long.


Silence again filled the time and space.
Truth be told I was weighing out my options.  Truth be told He is far more patient than I ever imagined. Far more patient that I maybe ever will be; certainly far more patient than I am now. Nurturing stillness encompassed by it's power filled the air. Surrounded by tenderness as if it was the most marvelously soft blanket filled with warmth, containing security laid deeply, heavily upon my soul. I was transfixed.


"What have I told you?"  He broke the silence. Gently soothing my very being.
Before I could respond, the answer was granted into my depths.
"You both ask the question and supply it's answer." I said back with a smile.
"I want you to know the pathways we walk." Was what was spoken back without hesitation.
"Now you are in my head." As I could feel the images that were being touched. The ideas that were being rescued.
"I am in far more than your head."
"So you know."
"Yes."
"But..."
"But, this is us.... I want you to speak."
"I'm afraid..." And I hesitated. I faltered.
I came to understand in that second that those words would only ever cause Him to move closer, the very nature within the essence of the being of Spirit; never forsakes, never leaves alone. I bristled. "What?" I said. "I can tell you I'm afraid, I can tell you I don't understand, but I can't tell you I don't know."  I could felt agitation flowing through me, coursing through my being, causing tears to sting my eyes.

"You may not."
Now we were in full eye to eye focus lock down.
Girding my heart, I could feel the shift.  While the presence didn't budge. Not one bit.  "I'll lose this 'show down.'"
"No, I will guarantee you don't."
"My language and your language in this are saying two very different things."
To which His laughter filled the essence of all that I am. "That, your response, is why... you may not say 'you don't know.' You may not want to say. But you do know. It is to that end I push."

"You want more of me than I am willing to give."
"That is not true.  You are far more willing to give to me more than you, yourself understand. You actually hold back very little. I am not afraid of your fear. I am not the one whose pace is not being met. I am Author. I am who begins and brings to completion.  You need not be afraid. Breathe."


I could feel myself shrinking back as if into a corner, while not at all cornered; I knew not how to respond.  The 'showdown,' of sorts was getting personal.  My mind wandered to Jacob. Would a physical wrestling be better than this.


"No." Before I could speak the answer was out there.
Again my  mind raced in a million directions. Searching for a response that would feel true, trying to grasp for an expression that didn't feel like it would come easily at all.
Then before I could blink an eye or think another thought; warmth was mine.  A cascading warm solid tangible honey like substance was flowing, filling me.. saturating the room.  The essence, the sensation.. it all was accompanied by an image.  Again I bristled. But as if I was a colicky child, all that happened was I was brought closer into an embrace, not pushed away. My back stiffened. His intention remained firm. He began to hum. I relaxed. I breathed.


Thoughts, pictures of days and years gone by flooded. Warmth, vibration, gentleness, kindness; it all swirled into the air with color and temperature and atmosphere changing components leaving me changed; softened.


Still quiet. Words still wouldn't come. Glancing; no, more like still glaring over the top of missing rims to glasses I don't wear, I looked towards the direction in which He sat. A caution upon my heart. I wanted this moment to be what it was even while I wanted to also diminish it, put distance between myself and it, play nonchalant, aloof.

There, was sitting, the One who loves my soul so completely, so well. Did I want to engage in a show down I couldn't win, or really actually didn't want to win? Or did I want Him to make the first move?  It wasn't going to happen this time.  While I know He runs, He leaves, He rescues... something was different. My mind raced to all the places in my life where this very occurrence was true.  I had just earlier railed at the heavens, imploring them to move, daring them to cause something to act that would change where I was, what was happening, how I felt.


It began to dawn on me that this was the response to those prayers.

That this evening and what was transpiring was in direct correlation to those prayers.

 I had invited this guest.

 I had asked for this evening.

Yet upon arrival I did not want it to carry the message it did.  I wanted to be rescued. It was the determination of all that was transpiring that I would conclude that rescuing was not what I needed.

Stand off sadly continued.  I would like to say that I melted again completely at that part. But I didn't.  As I refused, I felt more of His joy which began to irritate me more than fill me with similar emotion. 

"Isn't this stubbornness." I asked.
"No."
"Uncertainty?"
"Definitely not."
"Well?"
"Well."
I heard His heart.
"I'm not an infant."
"You're not an infant."
"You want me to grow up."
"I want you to grow up."
"It isn't that you wouldn't rescue me, run to me, comfort me, stand with me.  It isn't that you ever leave me alone."
"True. So what is it?"
"You want me to stand."
"I want you to stand. I want you to feel what that feels like. I want you to stand. I want you not to succumb. That is not you won't be weak. You will be weak. In that weakness you will feel my strength. You will falter but you will not fall. You will err but you are not to fear."

And my heart and mind raced in a very different fashion.  I thought upon words of wisdom that I know to be written in Christian scriptures. "Having done all... stand."

"Yes. No longer being an infant means you may not look for others to do for you that which you can do for yourself. Take the step. Breathe Stand."
"But..." I wanted to say a million things. But what if I can't? What if I falter? What if I fail? What if I'm not strong enough? What if I'm not smart enough? What if??????  A million "what ifs" filled my head.

Quiet. But the silence filled with attentive glances my way.  Watching me. Looking at me. Looking into me and offering a glance into what was being seen.

I swallowed hard.
"You're not going to tell me."
"No."
"You could."
"Yes."
"But you won't."
"Correct."

I didn't have to ask why.
Sitting there, looking at Him looking at me, receiving His glance and presence... I could feel myself all of a sudden walking in the palm of a very large and vast palm.
"This is where I am."
"This is where you are."
"Always?"
"Always."
"Promise?"
"Promise."

I closed my eyes for a minute. And when I opened them my guest had seen Himself away.  I sat there, now looking at the empty chair. The chair that had only seconds earlier been full with presence, light, sound, eternal beauty. Now back to being just a chair. And as that thought landed in my heart; a bright twinkling of sorts overrode it. Never and always back to being just a chair. I am that which I am; at times so much less... living less than that which I am and at times being that which I am and touching more.

"Remove the 'just.' Let it be. Be yourself as well."  Then the evening fell fully silent.  Then my heart realized I could go to sleep. Then my heart smiled, my body breathed and quiet once again reigned firm.

Tanks or Knees? Learning a new language and sticking with it....

In 2002 my  husband and I took on an endeavor that would change our lives.  IntrepretMyDream.Com was born. (Site is now called Stir the Water. It is on a break until the Fall 2015 just in case you go looking for it and don't find it today.)

How that changed my life, was that in creating a website to train up dream interpreters, we also started a community into which we forced a new language.  How the site worked was simple.  People put their dreams in, people who wanted to learn how to interpret them and had taken classes would interpret them, and their interpretations would be examined for accuracy and clarity, approved or asked to be redone. (The infamous redo.)

What we very quickly discovered was that in wanting to train up dream interpreters to take dream interpretation to anyone, anywhere there was a journey of language that needed to be taken.  In our sphere and in our sociological group of non denominational, charismatic Christians we spoke a language that truly few could really understand.  It was a steep learning curve and a hard one.  Often I would be told I was going to hell because if I wouldn't say the name of the Christ in front of man, He wouldn't say it in front of Father.

It was never that I wouldn't say the name or speak truthful spiritual realities. It was that I wanted to learn a new way of doing so.  A way that didn't close off a heart before it could even open.  A way that didn't sound pompous, religious and full of it.  A way that was full of light and liberty and love.  We found it bit by bit as did many others.

And the journey continued.

I never thought of myself as a linguist of any sorts.  Except as the years passed my journey continued forward with a hunger to develop ways to talk about spiritual realities.  It became my passion.  A couple years ago the journey would take a sharp turn, having me face the steepest of learning curves.  Now it wasn't just language, it was culture. The questions only continued to increase.

I shouldn't be shocked by now, however I find that I continually stand in a state of awe.  I feel at times that I have come to the end of a journey, with only a dead end facing me.  The road seemingly comes to a stop sign, with a very large brick wall looming where the next step should be. 

Not shrinking back I touch said wall wondering will it move if my finger falls upon the right brick, is there a way to scale this formidable obstacle, or is there another way.

I remember often why it is said that Carol Wimber wrote her book on the journey of her and husband and the Vineyard.  I heard that as other interpretations of what happened were coming out, she knew in her heart that that wasn't the way it had occurred. They really were just people taking a step at a time.  Whether that story is true or not, it has guided my heart through many an endeavor.  I think to myself, "There doesn't have to be some grandiose plan. Literally just take one step then another.  Touch the feeling. Risk. Go forward. Take a chance."

As a 43 year old woman I am none too ashamed to have Journey to the Past blasting forth through my stereo as I drive these days.  There's something about it that had played in my head one day.  That song and Once upon a December from the same Anastasia Disney Film.  They both speak to my heart in a way that pours into that muscle courage, hope, endurance, and a remembrance.  A remembrance to emerge and really be that which I am.

Those songs coupled with my current need to write a paper based on someone who has formed out my spiritual framework is awakening me to a whole new world. (Sorry had to throw another Disney lyric in there).  I had asked my supervisor if I could take a different approach. Recognizing my deep interior need, that while there were those I had been formed out by, all I was was yearning for a new voice to under gird, challenge and equip me.  Without hesitation, my supervisor spoke out St. Catherine of Siena.  In exaggeration I would be inclined to say that never truer words were spoken.

I have read about her, her life, her journey.  I have read what other men and women have said about her and I have fallen deeply in love.  I have been convicted and challenged as I have watched a recreation of my inner woman formed and reformed.  Here was this brilliant, articulate, illiterate woman who in the fourteenth century stood formidable changing life and history before the eyes of popes, cardinals and princes of the Church.  She stood by her vision, her passion, her understanding with tenacity and a courage that is illuminating.

I've learned much from her.  Seen places where I have shrunk back, not arising to how I am wired as a human being nor embracing the fullness of that which is within me.

At this point in our time together reading this post; we have Disney songs, a Catholic Saint, and then into the mix another conversation would render me a puddle. As form within me dissolved, forcing me to take a look at what I believe. I bumped up against a new language.  I came face to face with thought and intellectual conversation that was more spiritual than I could have ever imagined.  More than anything I came face to face with what I most earnestly believe.  The challenge reverberating in my heart was would I take the next step.   Would I open my mouth?  I was touching who I intrinsically am, the things I deeply believe even though I have not seen... My eyes were wide. My heart was leaping.

What was it?

A conversation that would introduce me to the reality of a more secularized conversation of how religion affects sociological and geopolitical realities.   Uhm, Mims... Have you completely gone off the deep end?  YES!  And it is wonderful. Take the leap with me!

As I touched the conversation with this woman that I was meeting for the first time, I could feel the intriguing nature and pull of the words being spoken and realities being shared. It wouldn't be until later that light bulb after light bulb after light bulb would begin to start filling my head with so much light that immense, unquantifiable joy began to touch all aspects of my person; body and soul.

Why?

Well.. here's the journey.

I'm often asked about my journey these days. I've learned I write in broad strokes.  The details of the journey, the passage way of the steps sometimes left out.  Now while each of us has our own unique step by step passageway, I don't mind hearing back from you that sometimes it helps to have the step by step.  I totally get that. Believe me, I do.

I know this post is getting long. I want all of this story in one posting so no part one and part two.  Pause, go do what you need to and come back if you can't keep reading.....  Now, with that out of the way... Here we go.

A while back I had an experience, one of those that changes the depths of your being, I was left changed.  It had to do with the reality of the Divine Nature.  Call God whatever you will but as Paul spoke on Mars Hill to the the populous in Athens, he said this; "We ought not to think that the Divine Nature is like gold or silver or stone, an image formed by the art and thought of man."  What touching those words did to me in that moment and in moments to come transformed me.

Man will always try to form out what exactly the Divine Nature is and I do believe we get it wrong much more than we get it right, primarily because we want to get it right and be right, making others wrong and the right "us," whoever that is, strong.  But what landed upon my heart and has in further conversations with said, Divine Nature, been sparked is many questions.  Now I am already living in a place where christian friends don't think I am christian enough, friends who fall more on the new age spectrum still think I'm too christian, theologically liberal friends think I'm a tad too conservative but those on the conservative side would so not agree.  What does all that mean?  I'm open.  I'm open to truth.  I want to be lead into all truth. Which is a job of the Holy Spirit.  It is the job of the Spirit of the Divine Nature to lead me into all truth.  I can trust that. I do trust that.  A morphing of language is once again occurring in my depths.  A new linguistic study of how even more can I speak truth in a way that calls forth those who bare the image of the Divine Nature.  Which the last time I remember reading genesis was all humanity that was formed from the dust had life and image breathed into them.  What any of us do with that image is another posting and another time. Let's move forward.

Enter the sociological, geopolitical perspective.  Divine Nature meets sociology. Divine Nature meets geography.  Divine Nature meets politics. 

My mind began to think about the story of Obed Edom in ways I never had.  Obed Edom, the flood, the earth quake happening after the crucifixion. Current affairs and the Transformations series.  Stories of how this Divine Nature acts upon geography, communities and politics.  Now I realize you can talk about the concept of religion devoid of any spirituality. While that's true about a blanket discussion on religion, I came to a place where all these thoughts were having me sitting up, thinking, stopping, pausing.. considering language and conversation and reality.

If I create something (let's say even Stir The Water) even if I take a sabbatical from it, even if it is off the web for a few months; I am still the one who has helped to fashion and form that community.  I care about her. I think about her and her development.  I wonder about what how she will be in the future and what changes are necessary to move forward.  Jim and I have authority over her name, her construct, her entire entity.  While there is also a large community that has influence and plays a significant part, so we don't govern her alone but within the construct of a people group.

So what is this Divine Nature that removed from religion will act upon the earth, humanity? What does this Divine Nature do or not do?  Then came this question and I fell to my knees and the statement Knees not Tanks entered my heart. Humanity has always looked to the proverbial Pharaoh to have impressive horses and chariots.  But what about the Divine Nature who took a man named Gideon and his army, dwindled it down from over 30,000 to 300 and gave said army victory simply by having them break glass and shout.  Who is THAT Divine Nature?

Or what about that Obed Edom story. 

Here comes a King. (Political issue) King interacts with supernatural happening around the presence of Divine Nature and someone who mishandles the situation by trying to touch the Ark dies. King leaves ark in with a non Hebrew... This is how 2 Samuel 6:11 makes an accounting of that event.

And David was unwilling to move the ark of the LORD into the city of David with him; but David took it aside to the house of Obed-edom the Gittite. Thus the ark of the LORD remained in the house of Obed-edom the Gittite three months, and the LORD blessed Obed-edom and all his household.

As I took more and more of the conversation I had had to heart, thought about all these stories I know about both biblical and current affairs, my mind raced.

Then as I sat with Divine Nature, paused, stilled myself, touched quiet; I heard, "If my people ..." And I sat and began to cry....

...and My people who are called by My name humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their ways that destroy them, each other and their relationship to me, then I will hear from heaven, will forgive their sin and will heal their land ...

Just look at the news these days... WHAT LAND DOESN'T NEED HEALING?  And how does it begin? Humility!  A willingness to admit I've gotten somethings wrong.  I want to live in more of a right manner.  I want to live a manner that puts me more in union and unity with my fellow human beings and the Divine Nature.  In so doing this Divine Nature will once again act upon creation and bring healing.

What I realized in that moment?  Was that the confidence of St. Catherine, the confidence imbued upon me because I am fashioned and formed in the likeness of Divine Nature is granting to me the reality that I have power and confidence coursing through me.  I have a voice. I have an intellect. I have ideas. I have a belief that in so believing in the reality of a Divine Nature, that it what it is not based upon humanity but just because it is, that that Divine Nature cares deeply about humanity sociologically speaking in very practical terms. That in seeking that Divine Nature, we as humanity can become more true to the image in which we were always intended to bare forth.

I realized that even if I never see such things happen around me or in my life, that I most thoroughly believe that this Divine Nature acts upon and changes things and cares deeply about geography, politics, religious expression, and sociological issues. 

 In our pride we want to relegate that compassion and kindness to one specific box, one specific people; yet reality screams forth from the invisible real that that Divine Nature so loves the whole world that the way that that Nature acts upon all of us can at any moment affect things and bring healing upon our lands.  I'm more confident of this fact then the reality of any capacity that a peace keeping UN group or military excursion would have within its abilities.  I am more confident of the capacity of stillness, quiet, rest, kindness, love (and this list could go on forever) to affect real change than I am of anything else.

If I appear to be a fool. I'll be a fool upon knees bent and a heart trying to learn true humility. I'll be a fool believing that horses and chariots, or today's tanks and weapons of war; are no match for returning to ways of living that are actually full of life, no match for the reality of what rest and sabbath can empower creation and humanity with, no match for what quietness can affect, no match for the powerful force of kindness.  

I am a life. One life.  Upon my life there has been much chaos.  In this season I feel the Spirit of Divine Nature brooding and hovering over all that has felt chaotic.  As I have not leaned upon my own understanding but in all my ways attempted to acknowledge what is right and truthful, kind and strong, I find my paths being directed in ways I would have never fathomed but am truly finding life within. I find myself stronger, more confident  while embracing that those things I once was certain I knew I no longer can believe with complete absolute certainty (now hear me.. there are pillars that I believe still hold up my building of faith, I just yearn to communicate even that in a way that is open and questioning) because  in embracing that uncertainty I am finding more mystery  and joy.  I am finding myself and some of the chaos is abating. And it is good... NO! It is very good.

So here is where I live.. Language changing day by day, boxes being crushed and put out to the curb, and me more in love with Divine Nature and the reality of that Nature to act upon my life, the life of my family, the life of my community, the life of the world.

 

How a Reiki Master taught me more in 20 minutes than I learned in 23 years.

Unexpected interactions.

Paths crossing.

Living life and watching moments unfold.

The journey into all the proverbial Samarias are utterly changing my life.

Beauty.

Wisdom.

Life.

Breath.

I had run across her brochure.  It had drawn my attention.  I had put it in my purse. But in all honesty,  I will actually have to go back and ask my friend how the whole thing really unfolded.  I can't remember how we started the conversation regarding Reiki.  I can't remember how the details of what led me to the door steps of this amazing woman's bed and breakfast unfolded.

Finding myself having arrived before my friend, who was checking out the bed and breakfast as a potential space, I just sat parked in the driveway.  Listening to music.  I sat back in the driver's chair, closed my eyes and rested.

Within these days at times the movements within the day help me to understand what it must feel like if one thousand years is liken unto a day.  So much movement.  So much shift.  So much transition.  Songs and words from my favorite playlist fill the air.  It's call, "Aaaaahhhh," that's the name of my favorite playlist.  These are my absolute go to, I can press shuffle and any song that would play will be that, "Aaaaahhh," feeling.  They aren't the songs I once would have had on such a list, but then again not much is similar these days.

The terrains of the landscapes of the edges of what I once knew are very different and at times hard to transverse.

But I digress.

Soon enough my friend pulls up in her car, and a most lovely human being welcomes us into her home.  Her voice carries upon it refreshment, her hospitality impeccable... her joy tangible.  We are welcomed in.

It wasn't until she started to share her story that my heart lurched. I fought to maintain decorum. Old habits die hard.  I am sure it would have been just fine for emotions to flow.  The space declared as much.  Her voice and her experience held my heart.  Places so hungry and thirsty to hear her words were saturated by water and sustenance.

So what was she sharing?

She was sharing the words I don't know if I would ever hear from an American pastor. But they were true.  They were noble.  They were life. They were beauty.  Her life had received and been altered by that which was happening within mine, to hear one so echo the cries of my heart captured both my attention and my affections.

Smaller, she shared. Less, she expressed.

Reiki isn't to be a business, it is the people.  Honor the people.  Her exact words I do not quote so much as I do the heart beat of what she said, her words became melodies, a symphony that erupted with light and color and joy and air.  Both tangible light and a physical lightness surrounded her, it was as if the reality of the handing off of heavy yokes for lighter ones was being transacted upon my person, just by listening to her speak.

In less than a half hour she had shared about how her business had been flourishing; seeing numerous clients a day, teaching classes etc etc etc.... any church planters dream! Right?  More people.  More this. More that.

 Except as she continued to share she expressed her heart for the people.

It wasn't to be a business per se, it was to be more!

 Less people.

 Instead of multiple clients a day, she brought it down to ONE.

Less.

Less finances, less people...

BUT ......

She understood the reality of to increase is to decrease. Sound familiar.  It is more to have time.  Time for oneself and one's own preparation; and spiritual, physical and emotional health.  Not running self and family ragged.  Time for another.  Not one client on top of the other. Not having the ability to linger because the 11 o'clock has showed up and now it's time for the 10 o'clock human being to make their exit promptly. 

She wanted time.  She wanted more.  Less was the path towards more.

In some very firm and real ways  she taught me more in 20 minutes than I had learned in 23 years of full and part time ministry. No conference I had ever attended spoke these ways.  No class, no seminar, no staff meeting, no leadership gathering had uttered the strength and words and truths that were just being casually shared by this unknown sage.  She had learned a lesson. I was just learning. Her words only serving me. Her words granting strength. Her words empowering confidence.

It's hard to speak rest, silence, solitude to ears that don't want to hear.
It's hard to speak practices that don't equate to larger, more, bigger..which  all supposedly equating to better.
It's hard to speak the cease striving words.
It's hard to speak be still and know.

There aren't the examples before me to follow in the places that I had been.  It was to those proverbial Samarias I had to be brought so that my soul could be strengthened, so that my spirit could soar. In this place my eyes beheld wonder and beauty, my ears heard melodious truths, and my entire being took a breath.

 In the western mindset the church has so intermarried with culture that less is not more; numbers and finances equate to success.. Numbers and finances are necessary to keep the doors open.  We've gotten so big that we can't operate on small.  We've bought into a pace that  exhausts and depletes and extracts things we haven't even given ourselves the time to receive. We've received surface and milk instead of depths and solid meat.

Yes... A Reiki master taught me more in 20 minutes than the church has in 23 years, because she was willing to have ears to hear, eyes to see and a heart that would comprehend.  Ever so grateful for this journey that brings me to unexpected places; allowing me to touch life and joy and simplicity and profundity all at the same time.

Joy births strength.... How? Practical steps....

The air is sweeter.  Brighter. Lighter. The reality of being set at ease.  The reality of letting one's truest self emerge.  The delicious sensations that touch the depths of the soul and create a smile from the heart and a sparkle in the eye.

Pause.

Take a moment.  Take a moment to think about someone who is in your life or who has been in your life.  Someone whose presence within the day just made the day better.  Moments spent together gleamed forth with simple and yet complete seconds.  Times spent with laughter.  Times spent in quiet.  Times just looking at one another and being happy.

Moments and people like this are liken unto a glass of the most amazing water that satisfy the thirst of the soul.  In the shared presence, the partakers are left stronger... they are left better than if they had not been together.  The conversation or silence or activity isn't necessarily that which mattered.  The shared space.. the shared time, the shared smile or gentle touch.. simply and profoundly.. Presence. Joy. Strength.


The one aspect of this journey that I have found emerge is the reality that more and more I have realized that I have spout off concepts without in depth investigation.  I have talked about things and while I put the hours into study, it has been such a Western approach.  I didn't pause and just sit with the reality.  What am I talking about?

This morning I was awoke and it was early.

I could sense what I know to be the presence of the Lord in my room.  I laid still and settled myself into moment.

"Breathe."

"Breathe, pause...  linger."

Those are words that seemingly fill my days now so I touched them again and took in air.  "It's sweeter."
And I paused further...  wanting to receive the reality of what was being expressed.

"With you, when we share presence...  when you are aware of presence, My presence.  It's sweeter.  Awareness of time together, when you are aware of Me, it is sweeter."  I sat with the heart of the Lord being expressed upon my person.  I quieted myself at the reality that as a Christian I can speak of the Lover of my soul. But do I pause to really understand that concept?  Do I pause to really touch that reality?

But it wasn't going to stop there.

"My joy will be your strength.  What is joy?"

It wasn't rhetorical.

He wanted me to breathe, pause and linger over the reality of joy.  Not as I would make it but as it exists.  As it is...

My thoughts went towards people now.  My thoughts moved away from ethereal concept into earthy and
beautiful  reality.  Into my mind's eye entered pictures of people and places.  Places where I touch joy.  Relationships that infuse joy into my life.

A rich smile crossed my face. A deep satisfaction filled out my body as I remembered.  A deep strength.  Within remembrance, within gratitude, my soul was satisfied.  I could touch and understand very practically that which He was leading me towards and the beauty of it saturated into the depths of my bones.  I could feel strength, not born of this world but born of Him, born of other... born within the unseen but that makes its way into the tangible realities if we let it...

So have you ever heard two people say the same thing.  Let's take the statement, "The joy of the Lord is my strength."  What if that is all I said?  And what if I said, "People, the joy of the Lord is your strength. Go be strong in the joy of the Lord."  I don't know about you.  But even though I can sense the truth in that statement, it lacks.  It doesn't empower.  What does that mean?  Practically.  Down deep into the earth, into the soil of my life.. what does that mean?  What can that look like?  Instead of some religious command, that might even end up leaving me feel condemned because I lack understanding of how to even do that; instead of those words, are there others that could actually feed my soul and propel me towards such joy?

I believe there are...

If we dwell with what the reality of joy is... if we pause and linger over the idea of what strength is really, not just conceptually.  What does it mean to feel and touch joy?  What is strength?

Then again pictures of times shared with different individuals,  times spent in different places...  I see their faces, I think of their voices, I remember the light shared that emanated forth from their lives and the joy I touch simply even at the remembrance of being in their presence does fill and feed my soul.  That is the joy.  A deep joy.  A deep joy that completes.  A joy that penetrates and saturates.  A joy that satisfies.  That is the joy that leaves strength in the depths of one's bones, that creates into one's being a resiliency and completeness that just makes one smile.  That is joy.  That is strength.

If brought into those places through slow and thoughtful and deliberate remembrances, one can breathe joy in and feel it takes its course within body, soul and spirit.  Into that place and into those places strength is born forth and it is immense and beautiful.

The two approaches are the difference between religion and spirit.  The truth is that joy is a force.  Joy, not always and actually very rarely ecstatic experience, but simple and concrete, earthy joy... is my food.  It is found in the presence of my husband.  It is found in the presence of my children.  It is found in the presence of people who I cross paths with and have crossed paths with... It is found in abundance if I pause, if I linger.. it most generously shares its strength.  Because that is what joy does.

My Journey as of Late.....

People have asked about my journey as of late. I have not known how to categorize nor have I had language to articulate the way I like to as to bring about anything coherent or beneficial.  I still don't feel like I have that language per se... but it is getting closer.  I have sat more. I have been stilled more. I have returned to Spirit more. I have rested more. I have quieted more. I have trusted more.  I have found depth of salvation and new strength amidst weakness.

So more in the form of statements here goes I ......

Twenty three years a non-denominational Charismatic believer and ministered in various capacities in various places among various groups of various sizes.

Saved through a visitation that stamped upon my life the reality of God, the reality of Light, Spirit and beauty.

Led to a place and a group of people that would quickly have me touching the non-denomination, denomination, I would be a part of for the next ten plus years.

Within months would met a man who reverberated with light and energy and spirit and while paths would not truly cross again for almost 8 years, knew that that which was upon his life was upon mine and hungered and sought out what it meant to be revelatory, intuitive, sensory, empathic.... (Words such as prophetic would be used for decades but I like other words better now... I believe language is important, so utterly full and it is in that heart beat that I decide to describe actuality instead of just stamp one label upon something.)

All of that journey would be from 1991 to July 11, 2010 of the non-denominational charismatic genre.
July 11, 2010 found an experience that would light my life towards life.  A blending of liturgy and Spirit. A beautiful community, an incredible idea and action.  Songs and words and experience would touch liturgy and creed and Eucharist and I would have hunger fed.

A remembrance would only begin... a very quiet calling back to what I had discovered upon new and fresh days of entering into relationship with the Holy back in 1991... touching contemplatives and mystics of old... St John of the Cross, Madam Guyon, St Theresa of Avila, Brother Lawrence.  But still even in 2010 I wouldn't personally transverse the divide that still existed within me... Much still needed to happen.. Many labels still needed to fall off....

As with the little wooden wimmick, Punchinello, from Max Lucado's book, You are Special, many a star and many a dot still needed to fall to the ground.  I was still too self absorbed in the journey.  I was still to aware of  the "me" in the equation. I was still to aware of thoughts/opinions of others.

I would actually join a church for the first time in 2010 and enter into an expression that was under renovation. I would begin to be changed.  I would begin to touch that which is holy and precious and beautiful.

I was still being  formed from the exterior.  It was still another's journey.  It was still another's thoughts. It was still the experience of another. Whether it be 1800th century mystic or 21st century preacher.  Who was I?

Then almost two years ago, a beautiful woman would ask me that question... "Who are you outside of ministry?"  I had only begun to touch the fringes of what is slightly beginning to emerge but fringes are still fringes, hunger still hunger, and the promise of those who hunger and thirst after a rightness will be made full was beckoning me on in my journey.

I remember several things about that time....

I remember the phrase, "I can't do this anymore," beginning as an annoying utterance in the back of my head.  It would move forward from a whisper to a shout, from head to heart to practice and my life would be changed.  Not wanting to live in the negative I began to search out what then could I do.. if I didn't want to live the social media, marketing, strategy this and strategy that, meeting after meeting, experience seeking after experience seeking exhaustion; then what did I want?  What could I do?

Whether you could classify it as the best of times and the worst of times like Dickens or a more modern voice like Brene Brown and cross off emotional breakdown for spiritual awakening, something was happening.  Energy, spirit, and truth were pushing and pulling me forward and away.  But moving away from over two decades of known into the unknown was beyond unnerving and began to take its affects.

But a prayer labyrinth, an incredibly wise husband, some amazing friends, an incredible spiritual director and supervisor, an episcopal priest and a very talented therapist I don't know where I would be... Yes, friends it takes a village.  I am grateful for each one and how each one helped me to learn how to step forward leaving a heavy backpack behind (proverbial not actual) at the entrance of said labyrinth in Charlotte.

I think the beauty of what is emerging in these days and what has begun to show me that the agita (my grandmother's Yiddish word) of this season has been beyond worth every drop of sweat and tear is the interior work.

No longer is what is happening in me because I love Brother Lawrence, or Madam Guyon, or a modern day preacher.  No longer is what is happening in me solely because of an exterior movement.  I
have grappled with the reality that after over two decades I could no longer find within myself the expression of a charismatic, I laid bare my being before He who it is promised will lead us into all truth, and lived in the unknown and touched the unknowable yet searchable.

I am learning to live within the questions.  I am learning to touch silence and quiet more.  I am learning about breathe and body and movement and space and time and light and beauty and lingering and am coming to life... I have touched rest in a restless society that exists both inside and out of church and faith communities, and my heart, body, mind, soul and spirit are saying their thank yous by how they are responding...

So my journey.... it continues... without titles and without labels at this point.. Sure, I could use contemplative etc etc etc but right now I won't.. right now it is too new while the practices are ancient.. I am but below a novice and there is no expertise that resides here.

A few last thoughts...

Return .. return... return towards mystery and self and spirit .. Return or search out perhaps ways that beckon upon the wind or in the world of dreams.  Those whispers that won't leave your heart alone, that stillness that pushes you towards a place that is full of unknown. Return.

Rest... rest... rest... Rest is not passivity nor is it inactivity.  It is beauty and energy and life and liberty. REST.

Quietness... be still and know, cease striving and know... know that you will know if you trust within those quiet places and explore them out and linger ...

That is it ... linger over life.. over your day, over your moment.. over you .. over your time.. over others that are in your life and path whether for a moment, a day, a lifetime... learn to linger, enjoy and enjoyment will erupt... touch now and live the moment and in so doing a life force will meet you there and bit by bit an exchange will be made and life granted...

I was afraid and timid and scared and unsure and I took tiny step into tiny step into dark and unknown places allowing my travel guides to be new and not known to me as well.  I wanted to control the outcome but was suffocating enough and desperate enough that I finally was tentatively willing enough to let go with one tiny pinky finger and that was enough.. that was enough... I have been caught up in the unexpected and the new and the old and desire and the passion of God for humanity and for love and relationship.  Into discovery and freedom and joy and life was I catapulted.

One tiny nod of willingness and hunger spread throughout my person and I do, I feel like I am touching the robes of Christ for the very first time and being made well in the most beautiful and simple, profound and gentle, small and practical ways I have ever known.  Grateful for my new and old teachers, new and old friends, new and old practices... grateful... Gratitude is  a power and force that erupts and works wonders... practice gratitude daily.. moment by moment.. We need to breath.. Touch breathe.. Be aware of you, your life, your breathe, the community of life, breathe, humanity, creation that surrounds you.. Be aware of joy and depth and life and live

Learn to linger and be lingered over and pause and pause again and pause some more and linger some more and be still and enjoy

Where we go from here.... softness... time... being equipped

I was raised not in a culture that appreciated slow passing of time, lingering over each other and time and space was not the mode of activity or preference.

When I came into Christian faith I experienced not a culture that embraced waiting and the delicate and sweet passing of time and allowed for that ebb and flow.

It has taken me much time to come to this path and to embrace the wisdom of Ecclesiastes. There is a time for everything and everything under the sun has its time.  I have participated and only known cultures that push upon the natural order and boundaries of things as to have their desires accomplished in a some what more harried fashion.

If something takes 10 years then every moment of those 10 years serve in whatever is being incubated.

I haven't liked that...

We, as the Western church expression of Christian culture have no liked nor embraced that reality to its fullest.  In not reaching for depth of understanding into this reality and  circumventing process, in not reaching for understanding or appreciating this reality I wonder about how many abortions or miscarriages of the works of our Lord upon the earth and the people we have participated within.  I have participated in.

I hear about this and that person falling away from faith and yet when I hear their stories or read their accounts, it is not God they are rejecting.. it is culture and religion.  I hunger to learn the immense difference in expression and have Christ made manifest within me in a reality that really represents Him.

Four days away from having said and given a "yes," to the Lord for 100 days... expanding it to a year... and to a lifetime...

The lessons being learned and the interior transformation are beyond my wildest imagination.


It has taken time and the passage of time, and letting each season come and go and come and depart... upon the waves I am being brought out into the depths and I will never be the same...

It started with trusting Holy Spirit when upon being asked to do that which is His calling, lead us into all truth, He comes and does it well.. does it very well...

May love encompass you and saturate your very being..
May you know you are loved
And may you learn to rest in that love...

It's going to take time Conversation... four...

Sitting in quiet and silence.               


My heart and mind going back over and over different times, different places.. faces, times, people, places...

Sweetness enters... His voice,

"It's going to take time."

"It's going to take time, give yourself time."

Time to unwind
Time to breathe
Time to learn
Time to unlearn
Time to grow
Time to heal

"It's going to take time."

In a culture such as ours what a luxury to hear upon the air those precious five words.  Their truth takes time to receive. Their depths take an intentional shifting of perspective.  Time.

He and I have all the time in the world.

Don't rush He whispers

Calm
Stillness

It is our desire that we would know Him.
Can we cease striving?
Can we be still?

If we can cease striving we are promised we will know Him...
If we can touch, hold unto ourselves stillness we will know Him...
If we can sit and let Him know us and enter into His peace, His shadow, His dwelling.. we will know Him..

I sat there.  There's so much I want settled.  There are so many answers I hunger for and feel like I need.  His stillness stands there as does His gaze and as He looks at me, I melt.  "You need time," He whispers, "Time to sit, and be still, and to know Me, let's not rush past these moments.  Let's, you and I, savor them. You display trust when you pause, linger, wait upon Me."

Rest
Relax

Sit with Him in quiet stillness and be transformed.

I believe more in what can be done through rest and a ceasing of striving then any following the perfect 5 year plan could ever achieve. I believe. I believe in rest. I believe in waiting. I believe in knowing Him. I believe in allowing Him to permeate and penetrate and go deeper and deeper still, bringing me deeper and deeper into a Heavenly stillness that knows no description.  Any attempt to try to use language to express what that place feels like, that saturated pause in Him... they don't exist.  You must simply, profoundly, enter...

Enter...
Enter

His rest..
His pause
His life...

Conversation ... Three

I sat in stillness and all was quiet.
I let my body sink into the cushions of the sofa and I just sat...

All was still..
All was quiet..

"You don't trust yourself..."

"You don't trust yourself... " and He began to express His heart upon the matter....

The words of a man who is incredibly intuitive once said, "I know far more than you want me to and far less than you think I do."  Those words also rang in my head....  and the two statements began to play upon my heart.

There was something very specifically that I needed to see and to touch and to acknowledge.  I knew to do so would have ramifications and so I would rather say to myself, "I am wrong."  But how many times in my life had I said that already?  How many times had I actually then been right? How many times had I swallowed what could have been said? What should have been said?  How many times in not wanting to see and not wanting to hear and not wanting to know I remained silent? BECAUSE... but of course I can't be right!  

But of course I must be wrong.....

Only to have had correct discernment....

"You don't trust yourself..." And as Jesus wept over Jerusalem I could feel Him weeping over me.... Imploring me to touch this reality and to grow away from it... But then came more words and more words and that is what brought me to my laptop upon this frigid morning...

"You don't trust yourself..."  and then,  "They don't trust themselves..."

And there was no chastisement, just sorrow....

Have I.. have we been taught not to trust ourselves?

I realize that I am probably touching the first season of twenty-four years of full time Christian service where I am not looking for another human being to express to me what I should or need to believe..... I am touching moments liken unto one evening not too long ago where I sat in stillness and quiet and received strength and courage to believe that as I do seek, and as I do sit and as I do pursue I will know... I will know Him.. I will know myself more..

I have sat with Him more in stillness.. in quiet
I have sat with myself more in stillness .. in quiet

In the beginning it can be a terrifying exercise. Every day it can be a terrifying exercise...
Bit after bit and moment after moment it becomes the most intoxicating times though.. still terrifying .. but I have prayed for years, "know me... I want to know you.."  But didn't quiet myself, didn't linger over Him or my being, didn't pause, didn't cease... 

To know, really know one is to spend time with one.  To allow things to not just be a 15 second sound bite but to allow moments to penetrate, to reverberate, to capture your attentions and change and alter your appetites... To let the Spirit hover over that which is chaotic and bring order ... beautiful, incredible higher order....

The man, St. Francis of Assisi, is attributed with the prayer:  "Oh Lord who are you? 
 Oh Lord who am I?"

Pray that prayer with quiet reverence for a month or longer and watch ...

I am learning to trust... I am learning to lean more upon Him and in so doing He is leading me in a way and instructing my heart to trust more and more that which He placed in me when He sung over me and knit me together in my mother's womb...

Be well... Be very well....

And know in the depths of you that that which He placed within you can be lead and be guided and molded and that He who is asked for bread will not ever give a snake....

That which makes for greatness....

A pile of sun scorched dry bones lying in a valley becomes great.....

What do those who were once not even skeletons know deep within those bones?

They know what got them there.
They know what that place feels like.
They know His grace beyond any effort they could ever put forth.

What makes for greatness?

"So I prophesied as I was commanded; and as I prophesied, there was a noise, and behold, a rattling; and the bones came together, bone to its bone. And I looked, and behold, sinews were on them, and flesh grew and skin covered them; but there was no breath in them. Then He said to me, “Prophesy to the breath, prophesy, son of man, and say to the breath, ‘Thus says the Lord God, “Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe on these slain, that they come to life.”’” So I prophesied as He commanded me, and the breath came into them, and they came to life and stood on their feet, an exceedingly great army." Ezekiel 37


They know the sounds of rattling deep within all that they are...
They know the sensations of coming back together in right order and alignment...
They know what it means to have no breathe left 
They know the song of the four winds...
They have tasted of the driest of dry
They have tasted death after death 


What makes them exceedingly great?

The depth of understanding that reverberates into every form and facet of their being, every part of their psyche, their ego, their entire make up understands the reality that but God ....

But His breathe
But His wish for their life
But Him and His desire

They would have been left upon a field NOTHING more than a pile of dry bones...

I would have been left upon a field as a pile of dry bones but His wishes.. His desires.... His  passion.

It is a song that has been left within my being.  The sounds of rattling, the sounds of wind, the sounds of  breath... I have been branded by their songs ayd their sound.. They propel me into understanding and they cause me to bow and bow low.  They have taught me my place in the created order and have settled my soul.  I am no more and I am no less then that which I exist in His heart song. I have touched cease striving and know Him as God, receive breath back into your being and know Him as God and in so doing I have touched a most awe inspiring fire that will never be consumed but consumes all in its path.  And it is well with my soul.

He may consume all that He desires and yet He leaves me more and more whole. 

Close your eyes
lean back upon the wind
Hear its singing over you 
It is calling the you who you really are to emerge

Stand in the fires of Heaven not for service but for life....  it will propel service but seek it not for service... seek the fires that burn away all the dross within our thinking and receive the ways that are so much higher then...

Pause

Wait for it
Silence yourself and wait for it

What makes for greatness?

A heart submitted to breathe, to life, to Him.. a life lived acknowledging it is under His gaze in which we live and breathe and have our being...

Forgetting greatness and laying it all behind .. He considered His equality with God nothing to be grasped but laid it down...  For the joy that was set before Him...

Forgetting greatness and embracing Joy and a life of light and peace and gentleness and strength.. a life in Him...

 The breathe of God courses through my being..The songs are rest, quiet, silence, returning over and over again to Him..enjoying and delighting in Him as He delights in me and us and all creation...

God desires pull us into a life and existence in our wildest lives we would never even imagine... my mind was too small and my focus too on the ways of man....  He took my chin and settled His gaze upon me and lifted my head and caused me to get lost in His eyes...

He has settled our souls once and for all...   and it is good as it was in the beginning .. it is good.... it is very good.

Conversation .... Two

As of late I have kept some of my personal practices private and to my own heart.

Too often I have jumped the gun, shared too quickly, about the intimate workings within my relationship with the Spirit, with Father, with Christ.  Too often I took intimate moments with our God and spread them out for all to see instead of letting them do their work and saturate and strengthen my soul.  It was as if I went to all my proverbial girl friends and shared  the intimate details of making love to my husband.

God loves us so personally and intimately and is the Lover of our souls. I have seen how He responds to respecting that relationship. It has caused me to awaken to His desire for close and personal, intimate moments with His own. 

It took me a long time to realize that these precious moments between us, were meant for us... He and I, and at times only He and I. Most times only He and I. A safe practice to have is assume 98% of that which happens between you and God is for and between you and Him.  That is a safe assumption. It will not lead you wrongly.  As I embraced those truths, I put into my life practices and disciplines as to empower me to revel in the beauty that is ours to have with Him.

One such practice that I have done now for 29 days is pray a prayer found in Jeremiah 33:3

Call to Me
 and
 I will answer you,
 and 
I will tell you
 great and mighty things, 
which you do not know.’

But it wasn't things I wanted to know. 

I wanted to know Him. And so when I began I merged that which the Lord spoke forth with a prayer that is attributed to St. Francis of Assisi.  "Lord, who are you?  Lord, who am I?"

It wasn't "things" I wanted to know.... It was Him.  "Show me about yourself," I would pray.  Show me great and mighty things about you which I do not know.

I was driving near my home  and there was much upon my heart and mind.  I had concerns. I wasn't praying.  When that all too familiar beautiful sound filled my heart; His voice... His whispers.. Him.

"I am not punitive, Mims."

and again He would say," I am not punitive, Mims."

Punitive: Intending or inflicting as punishment.

Our God isn't the yin/yang or karma related.  While we do reap that which we have sowed, it isn't vindictive. 

"There is no fear in love;
 but
 perfect love casts out fear, 
because 
fear involves punishment,
 and
 the one who fears is not perfected in love.
 
1 John 4:18 

Those moments were sweet, as if gentling streams of living waters cascaded over my soul healing every raw wound or past infliction.  I've known lots of punishment at the hands of men, inside and outside the church.  There is fear in my heart in regards to relationship at times.  I've all too often seen relationship crumble and ministry take precedence. 

In this moment, He was expressing His heart as if He was saying, "I'm not like that."

"I'm not punitive, Mims."

And in that moment

  I knew 

great and mighty things!

Conversations ... One

It was as if I had poured out my heart and after listening the response was just simply, "blue."

That was how taken back I was...

I had been sharing my heart, my longings, my struggles...
And when His response came, it was so other than anything I could have ever anticipated that even my body reacted, as my head shook back and forth trying to get an equilibrium.. trying to take in what He said and in seconds receive that which was transacting.

"I laughed more than people think."

It hung in the air.

I had just borne my soul out to Him and that is what He said, "I laughed more than people think."  It felt like (while not truly possible) that He had gotten distracted and focused on His own thoughts and out of His mouth just flowed in line of what He was thinking, "I laughed more than people think."

But it caught me so off guard that it pushed me out of where I was and I cocked my head off to the left and fixed my gaze on His felt presence.  And sat there quietly.  Looking into air but knowing His presence and knowing Him.  Knowing that in that silence and in those words there was much to be unlocked.

I have learned that patience, quietness, waiting, stillness are some of the best practices and atmospheres to cultivate when one wants understanding. So I waited.  I was still. I was quiet.  We were quiet.  He was reflective. I was waiting.

In all that transpired more ..
so much more was communicated in the stillness, in the silence that flowed between us... A strength, a solidness.. a joy...  and I went from a place of heavy heartedness into a quiet place where interior rivers flow and my sorrow and my questions and I floated down with it and Him.

One of my favorite verses in all of Scripture is found at the very end of the gospel of John.

"And there are also many other things which Jesus did, which if they were written in detail, I suppose that even the world itself would not contain the books that would be written."
John 21:25

Jesus at the wedding
Jesus holding the children
Jesus resting by the fire with John and the other disciples
Jesus walking with and among the people
Jesus in His quiet away times with the Father
Jesus with His mother staring into her eyes with the grandest of affections as infants do
Jesus with  Joseph touching wood, learning about tools and how to craft
Jesus with His siblings
Jesus as a baby, The Word wordless ....cooing
Jesus as a toddler, Creator learning how to walk
Jesus..
Jesus in all the places He traveled, amongst all the throngs of people that pressed into Him, LAUGHED....  and laughed more than we could ever imagine.

As I have let the words sink in and the idea saturate my being.. I have contemplated the essence of solid joy.. of delightful peace .. irrespective of situation or circumstance it is a state of being that glows and emits warmth and comfort and presence.  It changes all things and brings forth lightness and light.

"I laughed more than people think."

Oh my sweet sweet Lord, I get it... you thoroughly did.... and you still do...

.... That you may come alive

Joy enveloped me and such a deep sense of well being captured all my attentions.

I have been living in two places lately..

Samaria

and

Ezekiel's Valley of Dry Bones...

The most amazing places to live....

Their terrains have taught me much these days and as I transverse their grounds my being grows and I touch His likeness, His heart and stand in awe and wonder....

Their terrains are teaching me well, healing my soul, and launching me into depths of freedom...

It is the fulfillment of the 37th chapter of Ezekiel.  In verse 5 we read, "Thus says the Lord God to these bones, Behold I will cause breath to enter you that you may come to life."  The verses continue and talk about adding back to the bones; adding sinews, adding flesh, covering with skin... and putting in the breath.. so  that those will come back to life.  WHY?  WHY?   Why does He?  ...."and you will know that I am the Lord!"

AND...

When breath is added and comes back into the bones, what happens?  Those that were once dry bones, those that received the breath "stood on their feet!"

Maybe that is what has been happening in these days, in my life...

I have received breath
I am knowing the Lord
I am standing on my feet

And I, who once was a pile of dry bones, breaths and stands and knows...

I had bought into ideas and concepts of what walking the Christian life was about and some of that resulted in me becoming that pile of dryness.  In focusing on doing I withered and withered further and further away.  Once I ceased to strive I was born again into a life in the Spirit.

I could care less whether my exterior or outward behavior is pleasing and acceptable, I can "play" the wrong kind of games for a very long time.  What has captured my attention, what has set me ablaze, what has brought me to life is the flow into what Brother Lawrence speaks of ..."In these times of dryness and unclearness which bother our souls, there needs to be fidelity to Him."  In those times when I was but a pile of dry bones, a deep inner longing filled my gut... I read that quote and all I heard was "interior fidelity."  The words kept singing in my heart.  "Interior fidelity,  interior integrity."

But how...

Because this place of breath touches our deepest origins, our actual beginnings... When we were but clay and our Creator scooped dirt into His hand and breathed His Spirit .. His breathe into us.... This is the restoration...

As the words, "Interior fidelity," made their way deeper and deeper into the core of my very being, I could hear the songs of longing.. It was my very being hungering to be pulled into who I really am called to become.

These days have found me not living within an experience but living a life. A life pulled into His nature and His character.. A life breathing in and breathing out His breath...  Touching His essence and being changed from the inside out.

When it is written, Cease striving and know me as God; we are given a key to fulness. But we must have the courage to cease striving.  When it is written, Unless the Lord builds the house the laborers labor in vain, we are given another key.  It is the Lord that builds His house.. His house... We are His house... He builds us up.. He promises.. It is His promise to us to build us and complete His work.  We need not strive but receive...

A story and then this post will end.. But upon this topic we visit daily.. there are 1000s of practices to discover.. practices of rest, of silence, of joy, of delight.. Practices of breath, of creation, of song and of dance....  We will visit them all... But the grandest practice is of Freedom and of choice.. and I will get into that more and more...  You have freedom to discover which "practices" work and how they work for you.. You need not be told.. You need only to learn to listen to the song that reverberates within you...  He promises to lead us into all truth and He has placed a magnet into the depths of you and me that hungers for its matching attraction.. The song that is into the depths of the core of you, knitted within the depths of you ...

Here is my story...

I sat with my spiritual director, as I brought up the scripture of "Unless the Lord Builds the house,"  and as we talked and allowed Holy Spirit space to lead me, I saw myself as a house the Lord was building.  I am one who when falling in love with a subject wants to know all about it and so books and videos I watch and read.  Except in those most beautiful moments  I realized I was a house He was building and I could cease my striving to become more like Him and become more like Him...

What I want more then anything is for the depths of my insides to reverberate with His song. Interior fidelity isn't something to be strive after, it a life to be lived upon His breath and the joy of the Lord courses through me with such a magnificent strength.

Pause, reflect.. stand still and know... REALLY KNOW HIM as God....

More tomorrow.. and tomorrow after that.. and the tomorrow after that.. for that is the journey... it pulls us into Him if we will let it....

What the adding of sinews is like... a practice..

I do believe it is human nature to want to make transformation complicated.  I am not under some delusion that it doesn't take hard work.  What I have found is some of the hardest work is letting it go.  The "it" for all of us will be different.

Last year I was in a horrible car accident that placed me in bed for ten weeks and had numerous consequences that lingered. March 11 was the date of the event.  On March 27 I made a decision away from bitterness that had been encroaching way before the accident occurred.  There was only a very small amount of things I could do during those days, and as I lay in bed with noise and light of any kind being a problem I remembered..

Him...

I had read Brother Lawrence and his writings on practicing the presence of God back in 1991 and had loved my copy well.  I returned to what I had known.  Unable to do much I could invite and linger within His presence.  I would be introduced to Frank Laubach and his, "Game of Minutes."  I would begin to "play" on March 27th 2014.

Frank Laubach had once said, "All who have tried that kind of abiding for a month know the power of it -- it is like being born again from center to circumference."  Those words, "from center to circumference," resonated deeply within me as I stepped (laying flat on my back in a dark and quiet room) into a journey that would forever change my life.  It brought me back to the center. It realigned my course. It reminded me of who I was.. of who I am.  Laubach's challenge to "Fill every minute with the thought of God," was something I could do.  And that coupled with Brother Lawrence's quote, "In these times of dryness and unclearness which bother our souls, there needs to be fidelity to Him."

None of that hit me with religious overtones, it was a Lover's pursuit to come away from all else and be with Him. 

From March 27th to April 27 of 2014 I, to the best of my ability,  invited God into every moment that I could remember to do so... and within a month I felt from center to circumference different... It wasn't some magically expression of any sort of given words, it was a practice that I worked on every day.  As going to the gym daily builds physical strength this practice was strengthened my spiritual core.. my center. 

Pile of dry bones meets sinews... pile of dry bones encounters breath. Pile of dry bones arises and remembers what it is like to stand not as a pile but as a creative creature who can breathe.

This practice is one of thousands out there.  It happens to be one that has transformed my life.  As I have at other times I invite you to journey into center to circumference living and touch its capacity to change and birth and resurrect life.  Not just the good moments but all moments inviting Him in and asking Him to abide with you as you abide with Him.

Let's stay in touch and let me know on February 1st or any day in between ... I'd love to hear about your journey....