A quarter of year has been lived. I started, A Year Without Fear, twelve weeks ago. I let out one of those puff smiles. A puff of air releases forth from my lips. My soul saying, "Wow."
When I think of twelve weeks ago, when I think of today; I marvel. I marvel at the life I have lived. I marvel that I have lived. I have lived much life in the last twelve weeks. I have stepped forward again and again. I have been thrown back only then to pick myself back up, stepping forward even if the rate was infinitesimal.
I started thinking I would make lists each week of what this year was like each week. Except I then didn't want this project to be about me, my list. Standing one quarter of the way through it isn't lists I want to give you. It isn't my experience I want to give you.
What I want to say is this... Time will pass. We will all live another quarter of a year. We will all live another twelve weeks. I have lived many sequences of twelve weeks. August 16, 2015; my oldest daughter was turning 15. That's enough to put fear into the heart of anyone. I had been doing soul work. I had been seeing all the places fear hindered me, I didn't want that hindrance any more.
Standing under a tree I began my first private yoga therapy session with two new clients. I didn't know what I was doing. I mean I knew the yoga poses. I knew what I wanted for these individuals. I was also meeting them for the first time. I was also finding my way onto new territory for the first time. I am now over a dozen sessions in, I don't feel the same way. I taught chair yoga for the first time. I taught gentle yoga for the first time. I had yoga students for the first time. First times equal one thing more than anything else. First times are just that first times.
I had been used to standing upon the strength, experience and expertise of two plus decades. I had been used to being the teacher and director. I had been used to knowing what I was doing. You know how terrifying it is to give that up? What it feels like to start all over again, without the assurance or certainty that there really is something to start, can truly produce fears of all sort. Fear of looking foolish. Fear of failing. Fear of doing something wrong. Fear of humiliation. Fear of not knowing the way. Fear of being asked a question and knowing that the answer doesn't lie confidently within.
These twelve weeks I have had more firsts then maybe in the last twelve years. While I might be exaggerating, I don't think I am. So here's the deal. When you step into a project such as mine, making either a private or public agreement that there will be journaling, that there will be blogging; that there will be some form, however loose, of marking time. That there will be a taking of the temperature if you will. There will be a constant motivation towards overcoming fear. There will be acknowledgements of failure, success, times of petering out.
I have set before myself that this year will be different. There are things I want out of life. Time will never come to start, if we just don't start... jump in, begin! Time moves onward and onward. How many times have I said I will do this, I will read that book, I will start that program, I will learn, I will, I will, I will and fill in the million blanks that never get done.
I wanted this year to be different. I wanted to begin to do and become all of those things that I've wanted to do and become. I wanted to stop thinking that I would begin tomorrow, because that tomorrow never comes. So I started today. I made every day the day I start.
I found a new place to do chair yoga this past week. I simply saw the place. I had fliers for a chair yoga class I was already doing. I drove up the driveway. I parked my car. I grabbed fliers and business cards and what I needed. I walked in. I asked to talk to the programs manager. I shook hands. I opened my mouth. I talked about the chair yoga class I was already teaching. I was asked would I be willing to teach one weekly at said location.
If I had never driven up the driveway. Heck, before that if I had killed the thought. If I hadn't allowed the thought to go and ask and give them a flier. If I had allowed the voices of fear to say any number of things, I wouldn't have driven up that drive, extended a handshake, opened my mouth.. gotten the job. There is nothing I am doing that anyone of you can't do... It might not be yoga, it might not be spiritual direction, it might not be yoga therapy. Those are my things. But what is yours? Might you fail? YES.. that is a given.
I promise you that if you try what your heart dreams of you will fail here and you will fail there, but I will also tell you that as long as that failure or "no, thank you," doesn't get the best of you you CAN'T FAIL.
I have laughed more, loved more, cried more, accomplished more, known myself more, challenged myself more, asked more questions, met more people and this list could go on and on for the last twelve weeks then in any other sequencing of twelve weeks. This is your day. This is your time. What will your Year Without Fear look like? Take the first step.
Commit to taking an assessment of your life...
Where are you?
Where do you want to be?
What do you want in a week? A month? Three months? A half of a year? 3/4 of a year? A year?
Can you let yourself dream? Why? Why not?
Assess your strengths? Know your weaknesses. Where do you need help?
What are your fears? What are the things that you think will hinder you?
What are your desires?
Begin to talk about them. Begin to journal. Begin... simply that... JUST BEGIN...
You will be telling me in twelve weeks all the amazing things that have happened for you! Just take the step... Take the assessment. Take a walk. Get real honest with yourself. No one else is looking. Get the help you need. Begin. Don't wait for tomorrow. That age old adage is true. The tomorrow that you will begin will never come. Start today.
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