I'm not sure I have ever smiled like I do these days... And 7 things I did to get here and 7 things I do to keep going

There was a moment this morning that as I lay in the emerging light of the dawn, I took a breathe and smiled.  I'm not sure I have ever smiled like I do these days.  There's this essence of permission upon me.  There's this beauty of the reality of freedom.  There's this expression that is flowing that is one of the most tender and real and immense realities I have ever touched. 

I found my inner voice expressing the reality this morning, that this.. this is the way of finding redemption. It is so much larger than I ever understood it to be; the immensity of that which is Spirit and the flip  human inclination or propensity to box or limit or make small these things is what I feel these days have been and are about for me. The journey towards one and away from the other.

Fear has kept me silent, limited, boxed in, cramped and contorted.  I am the one that those choices rest upon though; situations and circumstances will always emerge and what I or anyone else does in those moments.. that's the true test.

So on Thursday morning, I had some time before going to my therapist.  I had done some errands. I had some coffee.  I was wrestling.  Tears and music flowed.  Once again called a heretic by someone I cared about.  Once again warned about the path I am walking upon.  Once again a well meaning voice or well meaning observer feeling like of course their comment is needed; because I, on my own, haven't thought or wondered or even, yes.. even agonized over decisions and choices and places and words these days.  Now, please obviously feel free to comment and let's have ALL the discussion that you want to have... but share your heart, your own fears, your own doubts... Those conversations I AM more than willing to have. Anyone who knows me as friend or social media "friend," knows that about me.  If you are just going to tell me I am going to hell or that I am a heretic those .. well, those comments are just getting deleted these days.  Make it intelligible, make it coherent... share about yourself or your journey and let's chat.

But I digress...  Let's get back to Thursday.. because in a moment.. yes, in a moment.. a moment of absolute beauty erupted and one of the top ten conversations I have had in my life was about to emerge.

It wasn't even so much a prayer as it was a breathing out... a sigh.

"Call...." and then a name... and then an immense smile crossed my face and joy unspeakable saturated my entire being in a second as I thought about this person's journey and again within my heart voice, in my interior I spoke out and said back, "Of course.. of course.. thank you. That is brilliant!"

It was early but not too early. I did text at 7:53am, "Can u talk."  Didn't wait for an answer and then just called.  As my friend picked up and it was happening, I fought back tears.  I couldn't even talk for the first few moments.  I just kept reiterating how in awe I was, how that this was "working,"  was breaking through and I could feel myself relax.

"I need to ask you questions.  When you were going from (named a very, ultra and I mean ultra conservative christian college ) and finding your way into things of Spirit, did you feel like at times you were going to lose it?  What did you do when you knew you were touching things you once would have considered at best wrong and at worst heretical and sending you straight to hell (if you believed in such a thing.)"  Maybe those weren't the exact words but they were darn close.  And for the next 45 minutes a tender, gentle, warm and gracious and strong conversation was transacted between two friends.  I trust this person with their understanding of Christian scriptures and as I shared and expressed my heart about some recent transactions that I have been having, she just listened... huge sigh... she just listened.  When she did speak it was full of grace and beauty.

I did tell her today, that that conversation on a snowy early Thursday  morning between us will live forever within my heart as a top ten of my life.  It was like one of those moments in life during an immense transition where permission is granted not by friend or word or anything being spoken but by the moment, spirit and reality  itself. 

When I allow myself to relax and nurture these moments I am living, I smile.  I smile in ways I have never smiled before.  I smile because of the beauty of freedom and joy and gratitude.  The reality of remembering and calling to heart and mind, and allowing that transaction of remembering, to really show oneself who in those moments it is that I am, is lifting me into places I would have never dreamed I could touch or become.  The greater works of Spirit emerge as I feel freedom coursing down into the depths of me and through me, infiltrating all with light and strength.

I would have never dared to think that the places I am touching with contentment about who I am and enjoying who it is that I am and who it is that I am becoming would emerge, but it is and my response is that I smile.  I live in a smile these days.  That reality where it isn't because of event or circumstance, (because those aren't offering reasons that the world would say one smiles), it is because of something so much deeper and richer, truer and stronger.

This.. this place is immense... It is the joy of the Lord is my strength, it is the Lord is Spirit and where the Spirit of the Lord is there is liberty, freedom... It is these things and so so much more....

So before I end.. the other comments that are the most prevalent these days are the ones asking how I got here.. and I have written and spoken bit by bit about that topic but let me give you a few tangible things you can begin to practice if you so desire...

I allowed the reality of the statement, "I can't do this anymore," to have room in my life.  (It was in regards to that which I have known and operated in for a long time in regards to expression of faith. It wasn't about the Faith, it was about the modalities of expression.  It ached at first, it was startling at first to have to listen to those simple and yet not at all simple five words.  It was disorienting and painful.  But they were insistent and continued to reverberate deep in my gut sighing, hungering for expression.

I found people.  I knew this wasn't a journey I could do alone.  I looked within my spheres and began to have really strong and real and true conversations.  I also looked without of my spheres because there were things I wanted to say and didn't know how to say, there were questions that I wanted to ask and wanted to hear other answers.  It is true though that when a song is entering your heart, there are those that are hearing a similar song or have heard it's melody and time and reality begin to cross paths.  Catholics, Buddhists, Methodists, Episcopalians, Charismatics, Baptists, Unitarians, Presbyterians  were crossing my path as were amazing yogis and to each and everyone I am indebted. So thoroughly indebted and grateful.

I allowed for space and grief and pain.  I have had six live births and each time the transition comes; the statements of "I don't know," or "I can't," or "This hurts too much," filled my heart and body and I just wanted everything to end.  Allow for space and grief and pain.  It hurts and it is disorienting to have immense hunger and thirst and change pushing into a life.  The disorientation is horrible.  I love how Brene Brown crosses off Emotional Breakdown and in its stead puts Spiritual Awakening, however whatever you call it,  "awakenings," "birthings" and "breakdowns;" the reality is the same.  At times it is going to suck. You have to let it suck at times.  I promise you if you learn how to breathe it will become so much easier. That brings me to the next point.

Breathe... many have taken these roads before you and many are going through them.  Read, search, hunger, thirst.. But more than anything learn to breathe. I moved from an anxious chest breather to one who can bring air into and throughout my body.  I did it through finding the practice of yoga; you might find it some other way.  I just recently told my husband, that I feel lighter, airer... not weight wise.. life wise... I feel like air fills out my being more than ever... and a lightness saturates my being.  And there are times that those "contractions" hit that it isn't about lightness or air, it just becomes a matter of allowing the contraction to bring about the birthing.

Stillness and quiet...  In times like these stillness and quiet are important. If you don't have a journal process than start one.  If you don't know how to turn phone, computer, ipod, tablet, tv off LEARN.  I had to learn to not veg out because it was hard.  Veggie out because there were hard moments only actually delayed me.  It isn't that I didn't watch netflix or enjoy some form of entertainment, it is that I got wise and discerning about the times and made sure I was being true to what needed to happen.

Trust....  Trust that if you are hungry and thirst and you are hungering and thirsting after that which is right.. you will find it and be fed and given drink. I began to take to heart the reality of the job of Holy Spirit.  I read in John 16:13 of Christian Scriptures, "But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth; for He will not speak on His own initiative, but whatever He hears, He will speak; and He will disclose to you what is to come."  I leaned in ways I have never leaned before... living out proverbs 3:5-6;  Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.  I believed and trusted that within each day that if I prayed and ask the Spirit of the living God to lead me into all truth that the Spirit would do just that.  The places and reality I am living now I would have never imagined this is where I would be lead but to the great pleasure of the Spirit, I have allowed myself to be lead here.  I have to believe that in asking for bread I have not been given a stone and that takes trust.

Give it time.  When I first met my therapist I wanted change and I wanted change yesterday.  I knew I had blind spots and I knew that they needed to be seen and attended to and taken care of and again it would be great if it could all happen now.  We now laugh over those statements made.  Life is a beautiful process.  Each place in the process is a place.  Let it be.  Let things go.  Enjoy the journey.  It is all going to take time.  Time is a gift.  I am learning more and more to live in the now, in the moment, enjoying as much as I can and sitting with that which is harder to enjoy.     

So within all that... smile.  Smile. Enjoy the simple things in life. Enjoy laughter. Enjoy blue skies and skies that aren't so blue. Enjoy the warmth of love and friendship and family and pets.  Learn to smile. Embrace gratitude and remember breathe. 

Forget what you've been told........And laughter erupted

And laughter erupted...                                   

 The precious nature of the moment has continue to linger way beyond the moments of it's happening.

You know that place between sleep and awake.  No, this isn't the tale of Peter Pan.  That place; that place where before you are fully aware of the world that surrounds us, you are still hovering in the beauty of otherness.

Moments that are neither here nor there, they just are and if let be they will linger and be absorbed deeper and deeper into your personhood.  Transactions where breathe and spirit and joy and peace and kindness dwell and sing and reverberate with beauty and presence and strength.

Those moments aren't just relegated to those brief seconds as we wake from sleep or nap.  And this is a tale of such a happening...  Even upon the remembrances of it my senses heighten and my joy is made full.

In one place I was driving and fully aware of road and all that goes on with the responsibilities of operating a car.  On the other hand, that which I was was lifted from those moments as Presence saturated the car.  What does that mean?  What is that exactly?

It is a very normal moment touching a more normal reality.  Ah, which is which you ask?  Well, I know what it is for me. Not being coy here.  It is just for each of us to journey.  For me the normal  moment is driving a car, being aware of traffic laws and pedestrians.  For me the more normal reality is seeing light, color, beauty in everything and everywhere. Love St. Ignatius, and his understanding and expression of finding God in all things.

There are more things that we can be aware of each and every moment of each and every day and it doesn't bring one into some alternative ethereal reality.  It deepens the earthy reality of life in palpable and tangible ways.

And that's what got me.. hook, line and sinker.

Learning deep love.  Deep joy. Deep acceptance.  How?  By letting go.....  It was such a terrifying journey to get to these moments.  What would happen if I was.. if I let go of false responsibility, if I let go of pride and arrogance in regards to thinking about what I could do?  What would happen to me if I took 2 steps back, 5 steps back, 20 steps back?  What perspective would I glean?  Would there be a different perspective?  I wasn't given those answers. I was given an invitation.  I could feel upon my person, in the way I know I feel things in the Spirit and discernment, that what I was being given was an invitation, not an explanation.  It was the invitation to leave.  It was the invitation to let go.

Now.. it wasn't all inclusive.  Actually the invitation to let go was also the invitation to  make right.  Life and family, joy and song, music and laughter.

Laughter seems to be playing such a huge role in life right now.  But it's most potent lesson is this... DON'T take yourself so seriously.  You aren't as important as your ego wants you to think.  And again laughter erupts.

But I digress. Back to the driving of a car.  One of my favorite songs began to play.  "Chasing Cars,"  And I began to cry.

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we’re told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I understand that lately I use the word, beautiful, or beauty so often in my writing.  I can't but do 
that.  Again today I was reminded to waste time, to find my own, to just lay there, to embrace a garden that is bursting forth into life... to know that in the perfect eyes of the One I love I am seen and I see. And it is good. And it is very good.

What I learned  today though was that I had more permission than I ever understood.  It emerged with laughter and humor and yup, beauty!

Breathe. Daily and moment by moment reminders to pause, to linger, and to breathe fill my being.

(That seems to be the theme of life right now.)

But as I was driving and listening to a song about cars, I began to see the images of what it must have been like to be at the wedding at Cana.  The emergence of the first miracle.  Water into wine.. laughter and celebration and joy.  Upon those images came the sweetest and strongest of impressions and I was made new.  "You... before you get too old, forget what you've been told."  Then remembrances of lines from Song Of Solomon's book passed through my head....

[Please] do not look at me, [she said, for] I am swarthy. [I have worked out] in the sun and it has left its mark upon me. My stepbrothers were angry with me, and they made me keeper of the vineyards; but my own vineyard [my complexion] I have not kept.   Song of Solomon 1:6Amplified Bible (AMP)

There are those that interpret brothers as churches and ministries and the supposed "works," of and for God.  This has been my journey.  Emerging from not keeping my own complexion, my own "vineyard," as it were.. my own life.  Being told that that was the way, that was the path.. expend time and energy and pour out one's life over and over again regardless of life and family and reality. 

I will tell you a story here...  A child of mine struggled at one point watching me as I would go and minister to this person and that person; this child was losing hope and wondered why were these others more important.  This child was right.  I was wrong.

"Forget what you've been told, before you are too old. Show me a garden that is bursting into life."

That same child of mine and I had a most magnificent conversation out in our driveway the other day as we took turns shoveling snow from the pavement.  I held this child and spoke things into their being, returned to this child and apologized for every time that there were tangible reasons for said child not to know in their gut that they were the most important thing that I would ever do..

We don't give our pastors that message enough.  We don't tell our ministers go love on your spouse and your kids and teach us to do the same and we will all be more healthy.  We lay upon heavy yokes full of expectations and don't take accountability for our own spiritual growth.  We want to nurse at the breast of these and not grow up, families and individuals pay the price.  

So back to the car, back to the song, back to the wedding, back to the heart beat that was filling all things around me.... Forget what you have been told. Forget what you have been told before you are too old.  A reality being shown to me that I am seeing a garden bursting forth into life as I let go....  And immense laughter ensued.  Yes, we will linger here. Yes we will waste time and in wasting time we are not wasting time; we are being.  We are being in love. In the most perfect eyes of heaven we can get lost and it can become all we see.  Then not living an ethereal life with no practical, hands on application.. our lives become the wine that was once only water.  We love in ways that are meaningful, we erupt in ways that laughter fills the air and the depths of our souls and... AND, we live.... WE LIVE... 

In letting go and stepping away from plain water, I have touched wine and joy and laughter and life... and it is better than the first...  

Every man serves the good wine first, and when the people have drunk freely, then he serves the poorer wine; but you have kept the good wine until now.” John 2

This.. this that I am living now.. this invitation in the Spirit to linger, to rest, to forget things we've been told and realize that there is so much that just isn't true within the striving after ministry... to embrace a stillness and a ceasing of striving and in so doing the reality of knowing God more fully will come to life and our gardens will be absolutely spectacular.  (Not just beautiful.)

How a Reiki Master taught me more in 20 minutes than I learned in 23 years.

Unexpected interactions.

Paths crossing.

Living life and watching moments unfold.

The journey into all the proverbial Samarias are utterly changing my life.

Beauty.

Wisdom.

Life.

Breath.

I had run across her brochure.  It had drawn my attention.  I had put it in my purse. But in all honesty,  I will actually have to go back and ask my friend how the whole thing really unfolded.  I can't remember how we started the conversation regarding Reiki.  I can't remember how the details of what led me to the door steps of this amazing woman's bed and breakfast unfolded.

Finding myself having arrived before my friend, who was checking out the bed and breakfast as a potential space, I just sat parked in the driveway.  Listening to music.  I sat back in the driver's chair, closed my eyes and rested.

Within these days at times the movements within the day help me to understand what it must feel like if one thousand years is liken unto a day.  So much movement.  So much shift.  So much transition.  Songs and words from my favorite playlist fill the air.  It's call, "Aaaaahhhh," that's the name of my favorite playlist.  These are my absolute go to, I can press shuffle and any song that would play will be that, "Aaaaahhh," feeling.  They aren't the songs I once would have had on such a list, but then again not much is similar these days.

The terrains of the landscapes of the edges of what I once knew are very different and at times hard to transverse.

But I digress.

Soon enough my friend pulls up in her car, and a most lovely human being welcomes us into her home.  Her voice carries upon it refreshment, her hospitality impeccable... her joy tangible.  We are welcomed in.

It wasn't until she started to share her story that my heart lurched. I fought to maintain decorum. Old habits die hard.  I am sure it would have been just fine for emotions to flow.  The space declared as much.  Her voice and her experience held my heart.  Places so hungry and thirsty to hear her words were saturated by water and sustenance.

So what was she sharing?

She was sharing the words I don't know if I would ever hear from an American pastor. But they were true.  They were noble.  They were life. They were beauty.  Her life had received and been altered by that which was happening within mine, to hear one so echo the cries of my heart captured both my attention and my affections.

Smaller, she shared. Less, she expressed.

Reiki isn't to be a business, it is the people.  Honor the people.  Her exact words I do not quote so much as I do the heart beat of what she said, her words became melodies, a symphony that erupted with light and color and joy and air.  Both tangible light and a physical lightness surrounded her, it was as if the reality of the handing off of heavy yokes for lighter ones was being transacted upon my person, just by listening to her speak.

In less than a half hour she had shared about how her business had been flourishing; seeing numerous clients a day, teaching classes etc etc etc.... any church planters dream! Right?  More people.  More this. More that.

 Except as she continued to share she expressed her heart for the people.

It wasn't to be a business per se, it was to be more!

 Less people.

 Instead of multiple clients a day, she brought it down to ONE.

Less.

Less finances, less people...

BUT ......

She understood the reality of to increase is to decrease. Sound familiar.  It is more to have time.  Time for oneself and one's own preparation; and spiritual, physical and emotional health.  Not running self and family ragged.  Time for another.  Not one client on top of the other. Not having the ability to linger because the 11 o'clock has showed up and now it's time for the 10 o'clock human being to make their exit promptly. 

She wanted time.  She wanted more.  Less was the path towards more.

In some very firm and real ways  she taught me more in 20 minutes than I had learned in 23 years of full and part time ministry. No conference I had ever attended spoke these ways.  No class, no seminar, no staff meeting, no leadership gathering had uttered the strength and words and truths that were just being casually shared by this unknown sage.  She had learned a lesson. I was just learning. Her words only serving me. Her words granting strength. Her words empowering confidence.

It's hard to speak rest, silence, solitude to ears that don't want to hear.
It's hard to speak practices that don't equate to larger, more, bigger..which  all supposedly equating to better.
It's hard to speak the cease striving words.
It's hard to speak be still and know.

There aren't the examples before me to follow in the places that I had been.  It was to those proverbial Samarias I had to be brought so that my soul could be strengthened, so that my spirit could soar. In this place my eyes beheld wonder and beauty, my ears heard melodious truths, and my entire being took a breath.

 In the western mindset the church has so intermarried with culture that less is not more; numbers and finances equate to success.. Numbers and finances are necessary to keep the doors open.  We've gotten so big that we can't operate on small.  We've bought into a pace that  exhausts and depletes and extracts things we haven't even given ourselves the time to receive. We've received surface and milk instead of depths and solid meat.

Yes... A Reiki master taught me more in 20 minutes than the church has in 23 years, because she was willing to have ears to hear, eyes to see and a heart that would comprehend.  Ever so grateful for this journey that brings me to unexpected places; allowing me to touch life and joy and simplicity and profundity all at the same time.

The strength of the feminine

I laid there as the early morning hours ticked away.

What was this feeling?
What were these movements that were making their way through me, wave after wave?

They had a tinge of vulnerability towards them but not fragility.
They had a whisper of a blush but the strength of iron.
They carried upon them a capturing of my breathe but the exhale of intoxication.

What was happening to me?

I just laid there.

And then within my mind's eye a flashing of beautiful images started to make their way across my interior, and the movements of sensation, beauty, imagery filled out my being and laid me wasted.  What was happening to me?

I began to pray.  Tears filled the corners of my eyes, but not as they had ever before.  Again, Inside of me I felt strong.  I have liked the word resolute so much in these past few days. It has felt like the perfect definition of what lingers in the air, of what fills out the atmosphere.  Without even having a tad of comprehension let alone complete understanding; I find myself wanting to use words like beauty, linger, kindness, generosity of spirit, warmth, pause, contemplate, resolute, strong, firm, decisive, rest, compassion, more and more and more.  They are the notes, the melodies, the steps that seem to be dancing all about me these days.

What is happening to me?

And as has been my regular custom in this season, I pause to catch my breathe.

What is happening to me?

The images I spoke of earlier.. they are of color, they are of light, they are of beauty, they are of sweetness, they are of strength, they are full of music and wonder and awe and they lay me to waste in the best of ways.

As I lay there, hoping earnestly to just fall off back to sleep, something lay a hold of my heart.  Not something, at all... Someone.  All that I have recognized of the Lord was present.  I breathed.  Spirit. Life. Joy. Laughter. Fun.  Oh my... There was a fun, nurturing and kind presence and it was becoming my undoing once again. 

"Write,"

....................... but I knew that which He was pressing in and what flowed forth from my soul, as a blush crossed my face,  I wasn't even sure I would be able to find the words to talk to my therapist about all this and yet I could feel upon Him, the hunger for me to write these experiences. Intake of air, stuck in throat... exhale.  Reminder to self, breathe, Mims... breathe.

I could!  I could feel myself blushing and I hadn't even started to write. I could feel myself smiling that shy, fun, girlish smile that one shares with girlfriends when talking about the intimate places of the heart.  And I could feel Him, lingering as was His desire for me to write.

I continued to lay there hoping sleep would come to me.  Not wanting to get up and reach for laptop and begin basically writing the depths of my soul out in places that are so new for me, too new for me; so strong and  firm and yet so gentle and vulnerable. These aren't concepts nor are they ideals. This is happening. Something has been wonderfully, beautifully, fearfully unleashed within and  I began this morning to awaken to more of  the reality that in some part, what was happening to me, was that I was awakening to all that is feminine in me.

You would think as a woman of 43 years, a wife of 22 years and a mom of 20 years, that this realization wouldn't be earth shattering.  But as I wrote to my therapist just a day or so ago, "It isn't all negative, it hasn't all been bad and matter of fact so little of it feels as a result of the push or pressure of things... its the good. It's the feeling. It's the grief, but not just grief ... its emotion.  Could it really be that 43 years of stifled feeling is taking advantage of the movements and occurrences of the day and laying hold of this as an opportunity?  So much shift happens at times in the course of these days ...... that while I can pause and at moments be blown away (Not pompously. I so hope not pompously) by who is emerging as me, as if I was or had been covered by mud and something has taken a hose and washed me down and that which was meant to be the me I was meant to be is standing there, seeing as if for the first time.. hearing things that I have never heard but definitely feeling sensations I have never touched.  Shutting it all down feels cruel but living it out and letting it breathe, feels like almost too vulnerable maybe even for words in a journal"  (and now they are in a blog.  Laugh with me please... oh my.. these days, this journey... so unexpected, so intoxicating.. so amazing.. thoroughly amazing to me.)

It  has been an undoing AND a knitting together and each day feels like the journey of 24 hours brings something forward that should take years to find.  But is that the reality of the years that have already been walked out finally emerging?  Have the terrains already been crossed?  Is this the birthing of the seasons past into the present, into the future?  Is this the suddenly after all the waiting?

It's unnerving.
It's raw.
It's undoing.

It's incredible.
It will be my undoing but it is also my liberation.

And then as I laid still in bed, trying to ignore the reality in the Spirit that was pressing upon me; I could feel even deeper into His heart beat.  Creator was wanting His daughters AND sons to understand more of the feminine nature and character of the heart beat that is exploding. 

The words of Misty Edwards' new song, Killing me with mercy, started to play upon my heart.

What are You doing Lord, kneeling in front of me?
I feel indignant Lord, that You’d ever wash my feet
I’ll never let You see the dark and dirty
It’s just too much for me
I know who You are, and I know where I have been
It offends me Lord, that Your knees are bent
I’d rather You be strong and make me pay
But this is too much for me

You’re killing me with mercy, I can’t breath
You’re wrecking me with Your kindness, I can’t receive
What am I supposed to do with a God so humble?
It’s breaking me
It’s crushing me

I've known Him for more years of my life then I haven't and yet in these days and hours, I feel like I am becoming acquainted with Him in ways that I would have never imagined possible.  They are quieter and fuller, they are delicate and compassionate and beautiful and resolute and powerful in their gentle nature.  I feel Him fuller; He is wider and larger and bigger and more complete.  And I am laid wasted before the magnificence that is being brought forward.  Laid wasted. Undone and yet put back together in ways that cause me to come undone even more in awe and wonder over the immensity of beauty that is all that is the I AM.

There was something reverberating in the air, the pulse of which filled out His heart beat.  I knew what to write but didn't want to.  Again, seriously, friends.. I was laying in the dark in my own bedroom, BLUSHING,  I don't blush. And earnestly couldn't fathom finding the words to express these things in a counseling office and yet knew I would be writing them upon my blog.  I wanted to look up and say, REALLY?!?!?!

Then again, I caught the song of His heart beat, His breathe, His lingering.. His courage and I knew what the words were.. How could I not speak them?  I love Him more and more with each passing hour... Him, not as I have made Him or others, not as church or ministry or men or women have made Him.. But that which comes forth as an essence of the magnificence of who He is.. and I have to admit I'm struggling over pronouns these days.  Seriously... And I know how that will make some of you feel.  But I'm sorry. And yet not. So I write He because Father and Son are masculine and while I won't get into any deep theological discussion; how can "she," not be part of the triune nature of God, when we are all made in that image.  Again.. this, this posting not the place.. not the time... 

There's an aspect to the feminine nature of God that is calling forward to be recognized.  This is not new. While personally I am discovering newness to the beauty and phenomenal nature of the fathomless depths  that encompasses this reality, it is not one that is new nor is it one that has been unexplored historically.  But in my western, charismatic, non-denominational.. highly hierarchical and patriarchal systematic  upbringing within church culture these areas have been left much unexplored; I am finding, to my detriment.

That is what brought me to my laptop tonight.  That is what pulled me from the warmth of my bed.  This is what stirs me these days and leaves me asking more than naught, What is happening to me?  It is an awakening.  It is an awakening to the beauty and power and majestic nature of the feminine.  Not the" I am woman hear me roar," motif but the I am woman and I am beauty and I am made in the image of the Lord and there is a power and nurturing force towards all that is feminine that resides within both masculine and feminine that must continue to be revealed and must continue to be searched out.

It will be to our detriment if it isn't.

There is a nurturing and lingering and soft and resolute aspect to Holy Spirit that is hovering over the chaos of our lives and our world and our planet and Creation that will bring a most fantastic and beautiful order but in a way that meekness inherits and peacemakers are children and   the pure in heart see....  The ceasing of striving and the holding towards stillness will open up pathways to knowing aspects of Him that are fuller and richer than anything I have ever thought.

The components of that which is  feminine is stronger and kinder, more patient, more full of self-control; the quality of   love, joy, and  peace fills out a powerful and nurturing reality.  The  goodness, faithfulness, and gentleness of this can not be overcome.

This is so very new for me...  This journey and these steps... My goodness, I feel so utterly exposed and yet stronger than ever.  The strength is nothing I have touched before.. it is warm and firm and beautiful and complete and more than I could have ever ever even anticipated touching let alone finding it coursing within...

So grateful for this new journey. So grateful for all that is happening.  So grateful and yet so undone and yet so put back together and standing, and smiling and full.

There is an intimacy and a fondness that is beckoning for us to touch in the Spirit and bring it forward.. a name we use so often is the Lover of our souls and yet language can be at times so hard to come by and the reality of it all so hard to touch.  But not really.  Earnestly it is undoing.  I am undone at times more than naught but I would only choose this path over and over and over again. I have never felt more alive.  I have never felt more open to who it is that I am... There is a nurturing and powerful place to enter and the color and the sound and the magnificence of it is full of wonder.  There are many faces and aspects to all that is feminine and they are not all female.  I want to nurture my sons into this reality as much as I do my daughters.  It will look different but the essence is the same.  

I wasn't sure I was going to find words and now my heart is alight and my face full of smile.  This... this is joy.. this is strength and dignity and beauty .. this is resolute and powerful and majestic... This.. this is the strength of the feminine. So vast and so much and so many faces.... so many images and so much to explore.. Just touching the edge and I am becoming fuller and fuller...

 

Joy births strength.... How? Practical steps....

The air is sweeter.  Brighter. Lighter. The reality of being set at ease.  The reality of letting one's truest self emerge.  The delicious sensations that touch the depths of the soul and create a smile from the heart and a sparkle in the eye.

Pause.

Take a moment.  Take a moment to think about someone who is in your life or who has been in your life.  Someone whose presence within the day just made the day better.  Moments spent together gleamed forth with simple and yet complete seconds.  Times spent with laughter.  Times spent in quiet.  Times just looking at one another and being happy.

Moments and people like this are liken unto a glass of the most amazing water that satisfy the thirst of the soul.  In the shared presence, the partakers are left stronger... they are left better than if they had not been together.  The conversation or silence or activity isn't necessarily that which mattered.  The shared space.. the shared time, the shared smile or gentle touch.. simply and profoundly.. Presence. Joy. Strength.


The one aspect of this journey that I have found emerge is the reality that more and more I have realized that I have spout off concepts without in depth investigation.  I have talked about things and while I put the hours into study, it has been such a Western approach.  I didn't pause and just sit with the reality.  What am I talking about?

This morning I was awoke and it was early.

I could sense what I know to be the presence of the Lord in my room.  I laid still and settled myself into moment.

"Breathe."

"Breathe, pause...  linger."

Those are words that seemingly fill my days now so I touched them again and took in air.  "It's sweeter."
And I paused further...  wanting to receive the reality of what was being expressed.

"With you, when we share presence...  when you are aware of presence, My presence.  It's sweeter.  Awareness of time together, when you are aware of Me, it is sweeter."  I sat with the heart of the Lord being expressed upon my person.  I quieted myself at the reality that as a Christian I can speak of the Lover of my soul. But do I pause to really understand that concept?  Do I pause to really touch that reality?

But it wasn't going to stop there.

"My joy will be your strength.  What is joy?"

It wasn't rhetorical.

He wanted me to breathe, pause and linger over the reality of joy.  Not as I would make it but as it exists.  As it is...

My thoughts went towards people now.  My thoughts moved away from ethereal concept into earthy and
beautiful  reality.  Into my mind's eye entered pictures of people and places.  Places where I touch joy.  Relationships that infuse joy into my life.

A rich smile crossed my face. A deep satisfaction filled out my body as I remembered.  A deep strength.  Within remembrance, within gratitude, my soul was satisfied.  I could touch and understand very practically that which He was leading me towards and the beauty of it saturated into the depths of my bones.  I could feel strength, not born of this world but born of Him, born of other... born within the unseen but that makes its way into the tangible realities if we let it...

So have you ever heard two people say the same thing.  Let's take the statement, "The joy of the Lord is my strength."  What if that is all I said?  And what if I said, "People, the joy of the Lord is your strength. Go be strong in the joy of the Lord."  I don't know about you.  But even though I can sense the truth in that statement, it lacks.  It doesn't empower.  What does that mean?  Practically.  Down deep into the earth, into the soil of my life.. what does that mean?  What can that look like?  Instead of some religious command, that might even end up leaving me feel condemned because I lack understanding of how to even do that; instead of those words, are there others that could actually feed my soul and propel me towards such joy?

I believe there are...

If we dwell with what the reality of joy is... if we pause and linger over the idea of what strength is really, not just conceptually.  What does it mean to feel and touch joy?  What is strength?

Then again pictures of times shared with different individuals,  times spent in different places...  I see their faces, I think of their voices, I remember the light shared that emanated forth from their lives and the joy I touch simply even at the remembrance of being in their presence does fill and feed my soul.  That is the joy.  A deep joy.  A deep joy that completes.  A joy that penetrates and saturates.  A joy that satisfies.  That is the joy that leaves strength in the depths of one's bones, that creates into one's being a resiliency and completeness that just makes one smile.  That is joy.  That is strength.

If brought into those places through slow and thoughtful and deliberate remembrances, one can breathe joy in and feel it takes its course within body, soul and spirit.  Into that place and into those places strength is born forth and it is immense and beautiful.

The two approaches are the difference between religion and spirit.  The truth is that joy is a force.  Joy, not always and actually very rarely ecstatic experience, but simple and concrete, earthy joy... is my food.  It is found in the presence of my husband.  It is found in the presence of my children.  It is found in the presence of people who I cross paths with and have crossed paths with... It is found in abundance if I pause, if I linger.. it most generously shares its strength.  Because that is what joy does.

My Journey as of Late.....

People have asked about my journey as of late. I have not known how to categorize nor have I had language to articulate the way I like to as to bring about anything coherent or beneficial.  I still don't feel like I have that language per se... but it is getting closer.  I have sat more. I have been stilled more. I have returned to Spirit more. I have rested more. I have quieted more. I have trusted more.  I have found depth of salvation and new strength amidst weakness.

So more in the form of statements here goes I ......

Twenty three years a non-denominational Charismatic believer and ministered in various capacities in various places among various groups of various sizes.

Saved through a visitation that stamped upon my life the reality of God, the reality of Light, Spirit and beauty.

Led to a place and a group of people that would quickly have me touching the non-denomination, denomination, I would be a part of for the next ten plus years.

Within months would met a man who reverberated with light and energy and spirit and while paths would not truly cross again for almost 8 years, knew that that which was upon his life was upon mine and hungered and sought out what it meant to be revelatory, intuitive, sensory, empathic.... (Words such as prophetic would be used for decades but I like other words better now... I believe language is important, so utterly full and it is in that heart beat that I decide to describe actuality instead of just stamp one label upon something.)

All of that journey would be from 1991 to July 11, 2010 of the non-denominational charismatic genre.
July 11, 2010 found an experience that would light my life towards life.  A blending of liturgy and Spirit. A beautiful community, an incredible idea and action.  Songs and words and experience would touch liturgy and creed and Eucharist and I would have hunger fed.

A remembrance would only begin... a very quiet calling back to what I had discovered upon new and fresh days of entering into relationship with the Holy back in 1991... touching contemplatives and mystics of old... St John of the Cross, Madam Guyon, St Theresa of Avila, Brother Lawrence.  But still even in 2010 I wouldn't personally transverse the divide that still existed within me... Much still needed to happen.. Many labels still needed to fall off....

As with the little wooden wimmick, Punchinello, from Max Lucado's book, You are Special, many a star and many a dot still needed to fall to the ground.  I was still too self absorbed in the journey.  I was still to aware of  the "me" in the equation. I was still to aware of thoughts/opinions of others.

I would actually join a church for the first time in 2010 and enter into an expression that was under renovation. I would begin to be changed.  I would begin to touch that which is holy and precious and beautiful.

I was still being  formed from the exterior.  It was still another's journey.  It was still another's thoughts. It was still the experience of another. Whether it be 1800th century mystic or 21st century preacher.  Who was I?

Then almost two years ago, a beautiful woman would ask me that question... "Who are you outside of ministry?"  I had only begun to touch the fringes of what is slightly beginning to emerge but fringes are still fringes, hunger still hunger, and the promise of those who hunger and thirst after a rightness will be made full was beckoning me on in my journey.

I remember several things about that time....

I remember the phrase, "I can't do this anymore," beginning as an annoying utterance in the back of my head.  It would move forward from a whisper to a shout, from head to heart to practice and my life would be changed.  Not wanting to live in the negative I began to search out what then could I do.. if I didn't want to live the social media, marketing, strategy this and strategy that, meeting after meeting, experience seeking after experience seeking exhaustion; then what did I want?  What could I do?

Whether you could classify it as the best of times and the worst of times like Dickens or a more modern voice like Brene Brown and cross off emotional breakdown for spiritual awakening, something was happening.  Energy, spirit, and truth were pushing and pulling me forward and away.  But moving away from over two decades of known into the unknown was beyond unnerving and began to take its affects.

But a prayer labyrinth, an incredibly wise husband, some amazing friends, an incredible spiritual director and supervisor, an episcopal priest and a very talented therapist I don't know where I would be... Yes, friends it takes a village.  I am grateful for each one and how each one helped me to learn how to step forward leaving a heavy backpack behind (proverbial not actual) at the entrance of said labyrinth in Charlotte.

I think the beauty of what is emerging in these days and what has begun to show me that the agita (my grandmother's Yiddish word) of this season has been beyond worth every drop of sweat and tear is the interior work.

No longer is what is happening in me because I love Brother Lawrence, or Madam Guyon, or a modern day preacher.  No longer is what is happening in me solely because of an exterior movement.  I
have grappled with the reality that after over two decades I could no longer find within myself the expression of a charismatic, I laid bare my being before He who it is promised will lead us into all truth, and lived in the unknown and touched the unknowable yet searchable.

I am learning to live within the questions.  I am learning to touch silence and quiet more.  I am learning about breathe and body and movement and space and time and light and beauty and lingering and am coming to life... I have touched rest in a restless society that exists both inside and out of church and faith communities, and my heart, body, mind, soul and spirit are saying their thank yous by how they are responding...

So my journey.... it continues... without titles and without labels at this point.. Sure, I could use contemplative etc etc etc but right now I won't.. right now it is too new while the practices are ancient.. I am but below a novice and there is no expertise that resides here.

A few last thoughts...

Return .. return... return towards mystery and self and spirit .. Return or search out perhaps ways that beckon upon the wind or in the world of dreams.  Those whispers that won't leave your heart alone, that stillness that pushes you towards a place that is full of unknown. Return.

Rest... rest... rest... Rest is not passivity nor is it inactivity.  It is beauty and energy and life and liberty. REST.

Quietness... be still and know, cease striving and know... know that you will know if you trust within those quiet places and explore them out and linger ...

That is it ... linger over life.. over your day, over your moment.. over you .. over your time.. over others that are in your life and path whether for a moment, a day, a lifetime... learn to linger, enjoy and enjoyment will erupt... touch now and live the moment and in so doing a life force will meet you there and bit by bit an exchange will be made and life granted...

I was afraid and timid and scared and unsure and I took tiny step into tiny step into dark and unknown places allowing my travel guides to be new and not known to me as well.  I wanted to control the outcome but was suffocating enough and desperate enough that I finally was tentatively willing enough to let go with one tiny pinky finger and that was enough.. that was enough... I have been caught up in the unexpected and the new and the old and desire and the passion of God for humanity and for love and relationship.  Into discovery and freedom and joy and life was I catapulted.

One tiny nod of willingness and hunger spread throughout my person and I do, I feel like I am touching the robes of Christ for the very first time and being made well in the most beautiful and simple, profound and gentle, small and practical ways I have ever known.  Grateful for my new and old teachers, new and old friends, new and old practices... grateful... Gratitude is  a power and force that erupts and works wonders... practice gratitude daily.. moment by moment.. We need to breath.. Touch breathe.. Be aware of you, your life, your breathe, the community of life, breathe, humanity, creation that surrounds you.. Be aware of joy and depth and life and live

Learn to linger and be lingered over and pause and pause again and pause some more and linger some more and be still and enjoy

What are the sheets of today?

 
What's wisdom?

Two separate conversations have been playing within my head today. Within those reflections, pictures and memories of other times gone by and words spoken play upon my heart and mind.

But let me tell you about the two specific conversations that both feel so true for where I find myself...

The first one was with a dear friend as we sat and ate and laughed and enjoyed one another... so much transition have been laid upon our lives and a reflection of a quietness that has entered the journey made its way into our shared talk.  A lack of desire to place opinion or experience upon social media these days.  A desire for privacy has been upon my heart more and more as of late.  That which I am touching feels like a tender journey and many aspects of it feel private.  As I examined that reality a while back with my therapist, she smiled as she expressed how this whole concept was new for me and was actually a sign of health.

But then....

It happened in another conversation.  There are these assignments I have for my classes that I am taking at the Charlotte Spirituality Center.  One is the Ignatian concept of a daily personal looking at one's life through the lens of presenting the day before God.  I journal daily and write often, one would think this exercise would be a cake walk. But no it wasn't, it hadn't been; and as I sat at the table and the topic of these daily writings came up, I could feel this bubbling up inside of me to share my experience.  Something that would have been so easy for me to do in days past became like choking words out at first.  "They've been hard for me," I said.. or something like that... I then admitted that within the whole month I had maybe managed three or four at most.

Then it went  beyond one sentence as I let my heart spill out of my mouth... They are hard for me because I am on this journey where paradigms are shifting and all that is within me feels the pressing in of an awakening.  Which let me mention,  I like how Brene Brown, in her book, Gifts of Imperfection, crosses out Emotional Breakdown and above it writes Spiritual Awakening.  But awakening and breakdown aren't at times all that far apart.

As I shared a dear friend and fellow student expressed a gratitude for the fact that I shared.. her perceptions of my journey just different from the reality.  Moving away from my class to just another conversation, another dear friend expressed her heart and hope that I would begin writing more about my journey these days and I heard it.. It's just... It's just...  us Christians, can be brutal... we can be awful to one another and to those who we are meant to love well... And well, I'm not looking for any more critique. And we don't do well when our paradigms and thoughts and theology feel threatened by change...  Old wine skins like old wine and like the way things are and were ....  I've watched  bleak and horrible things  play out too many times all in the name of God....

Recently my therapist suggested I meet with a colleague of hers to explore an aspect that is affecting me beyond her expertise and I looked at my therapist and just expressed how I couldn't... I couldn't have another person examining my life right now.. I could talk to her but not to another... In times such as these there is a southern phrase that comes to mind, "Hunkering" down....  Simplifying.. letting be what is and taking time...

Taking things simple and quiet.. Closing in a circle of a few  precious friends and sitting and waiting and being intimate and gentle with conversation and change.

Twenty - four years walking within Christian perimeters. And there are solid aspects to that walk that have buried themselves deep within my bones and into my reality and into my life, yet in these last few movements of time I have realized how shallow my love was.. how tentative my affection, how surface my reality. How safe I played it... how little I knew of the Christ I was supposedly following.  I knew man's version.. Ministry's version.. a Western version...and I earnestly loved Him but in these last days a most beautiful shift has only begun to occur... One that is full of gentleness... One that is full of kindness.. compassion, largeness that I have not ever touched.... What happened?  How did I even get here?

I ceased striving and I have begun to know Him.. I stood still and I began to know Him...

I was willing to see
I was willing to hear
I was willing to open my heart

And so I only have just begun to see
I have only just begun to hear
I have only just begun to know...

I lean into the lessons that Samaria taught the Jews in the times of Christ... and I sit with the stories of tax collectors and lepers and women from the past...

Do you know that there are scriptures that express what foods are clean and which are not ? At one point to know God was to know and follow those laws to the strict letter of the law!  But then in Acts a sheet comes down to only one man, Peter! And that is changed.  Food is neither now clean or unclean. The message about the heart grows stronger ... Gentiles don't have to be circumcised to be accepted into the heart of God as beloved. Again the reality is fuller and further revealed...

I only ask one simple question today.. OK maybe two...

What are the sheets of today?

Who and where are the Samarias today?

What are the sheets of today that would cause theologians to tremble and have to once again wrestle with salvation with fear and trembling?  What are our sacred cows that are not so sacred and do not belong in the heart or mind of God but in the heart and mind of man?  

I don't pretend to  have many  answers these days... I am living within the questions... I was struggling so deeply with religious fear but bit by bit, He brings courage and His love runs deeper and stronger and fuller then I have ever imagined... He is more full of grace.. He is more full of love.. He is more full of compassion.. He is more.. MORE... So much more than I have ever even dared to think and in these moments and days I am falling further and further and deeper and deeper into a love and passion for the Creator of all and the Lover of my soul....