I'm not sure I have ever smiled like I do these days... And 7 things I did to get here and 7 things I do to keep going

There was a moment this morning that as I lay in the emerging light of the dawn, I took a breathe and smiled.  I'm not sure I have ever smiled like I do these days.  There's this essence of permission upon me.  There's this beauty of the reality of freedom.  There's this expression that is flowing that is one of the most tender and real and immense realities I have ever touched. 

I found my inner voice expressing the reality this morning, that this.. this is the way of finding redemption. It is so much larger than I ever understood it to be; the immensity of that which is Spirit and the flip  human inclination or propensity to box or limit or make small these things is what I feel these days have been and are about for me. The journey towards one and away from the other.

Fear has kept me silent, limited, boxed in, cramped and contorted.  I am the one that those choices rest upon though; situations and circumstances will always emerge and what I or anyone else does in those moments.. that's the true test.

So on Thursday morning, I had some time before going to my therapist.  I had done some errands. I had some coffee.  I was wrestling.  Tears and music flowed.  Once again called a heretic by someone I cared about.  Once again warned about the path I am walking upon.  Once again a well meaning voice or well meaning observer feeling like of course their comment is needed; because I, on my own, haven't thought or wondered or even, yes.. even agonized over decisions and choices and places and words these days.  Now, please obviously feel free to comment and let's have ALL the discussion that you want to have... but share your heart, your own fears, your own doubts... Those conversations I AM more than willing to have. Anyone who knows me as friend or social media "friend," knows that about me.  If you are just going to tell me I am going to hell or that I am a heretic those .. well, those comments are just getting deleted these days.  Make it intelligible, make it coherent... share about yourself or your journey and let's chat.

But I digress...  Let's get back to Thursday.. because in a moment.. yes, in a moment.. a moment of absolute beauty erupted and one of the top ten conversations I have had in my life was about to emerge.

It wasn't even so much a prayer as it was a breathing out... a sigh.

"Call...." and then a name... and then an immense smile crossed my face and joy unspeakable saturated my entire being in a second as I thought about this person's journey and again within my heart voice, in my interior I spoke out and said back, "Of course.. of course.. thank you. That is brilliant!"

It was early but not too early. I did text at 7:53am, "Can u talk."  Didn't wait for an answer and then just called.  As my friend picked up and it was happening, I fought back tears.  I couldn't even talk for the first few moments.  I just kept reiterating how in awe I was, how that this was "working,"  was breaking through and I could feel myself relax.

"I need to ask you questions.  When you were going from (named a very, ultra and I mean ultra conservative christian college ) and finding your way into things of Spirit, did you feel like at times you were going to lose it?  What did you do when you knew you were touching things you once would have considered at best wrong and at worst heretical and sending you straight to hell (if you believed in such a thing.)"  Maybe those weren't the exact words but they were darn close.  And for the next 45 minutes a tender, gentle, warm and gracious and strong conversation was transacted between two friends.  I trust this person with their understanding of Christian scriptures and as I shared and expressed my heart about some recent transactions that I have been having, she just listened... huge sigh... she just listened.  When she did speak it was full of grace and beauty.

I did tell her today, that that conversation on a snowy early Thursday  morning between us will live forever within my heart as a top ten of my life.  It was like one of those moments in life during an immense transition where permission is granted not by friend or word or anything being spoken but by the moment, spirit and reality  itself. 

When I allow myself to relax and nurture these moments I am living, I smile.  I smile in ways I have never smiled before.  I smile because of the beauty of freedom and joy and gratitude.  The reality of remembering and calling to heart and mind, and allowing that transaction of remembering, to really show oneself who in those moments it is that I am, is lifting me into places I would have never dreamed I could touch or become.  The greater works of Spirit emerge as I feel freedom coursing down into the depths of me and through me, infiltrating all with light and strength.

I would have never dared to think that the places I am touching with contentment about who I am and enjoying who it is that I am and who it is that I am becoming would emerge, but it is and my response is that I smile.  I live in a smile these days.  That reality where it isn't because of event or circumstance, (because those aren't offering reasons that the world would say one smiles), it is because of something so much deeper and richer, truer and stronger.

This.. this place is immense... It is the joy of the Lord is my strength, it is the Lord is Spirit and where the Spirit of the Lord is there is liberty, freedom... It is these things and so so much more....

So before I end.. the other comments that are the most prevalent these days are the ones asking how I got here.. and I have written and spoken bit by bit about that topic but let me give you a few tangible things you can begin to practice if you so desire...

I allowed the reality of the statement, "I can't do this anymore," to have room in my life.  (It was in regards to that which I have known and operated in for a long time in regards to expression of faith. It wasn't about the Faith, it was about the modalities of expression.  It ached at first, it was startling at first to have to listen to those simple and yet not at all simple five words.  It was disorienting and painful.  But they were insistent and continued to reverberate deep in my gut sighing, hungering for expression.

I found people.  I knew this wasn't a journey I could do alone.  I looked within my spheres and began to have really strong and real and true conversations.  I also looked without of my spheres because there were things I wanted to say and didn't know how to say, there were questions that I wanted to ask and wanted to hear other answers.  It is true though that when a song is entering your heart, there are those that are hearing a similar song or have heard it's melody and time and reality begin to cross paths.  Catholics, Buddhists, Methodists, Episcopalians, Charismatics, Baptists, Unitarians, Presbyterians  were crossing my path as were amazing yogis and to each and everyone I am indebted. So thoroughly indebted and grateful.

I allowed for space and grief and pain.  I have had six live births and each time the transition comes; the statements of "I don't know," or "I can't," or "This hurts too much," filled my heart and body and I just wanted everything to end.  Allow for space and grief and pain.  It hurts and it is disorienting to have immense hunger and thirst and change pushing into a life.  The disorientation is horrible.  I love how Brene Brown crosses off Emotional Breakdown and in its stead puts Spiritual Awakening, however whatever you call it,  "awakenings," "birthings" and "breakdowns;" the reality is the same.  At times it is going to suck. You have to let it suck at times.  I promise you if you learn how to breathe it will become so much easier. That brings me to the next point.

Breathe... many have taken these roads before you and many are going through them.  Read, search, hunger, thirst.. But more than anything learn to breathe. I moved from an anxious chest breather to one who can bring air into and throughout my body.  I did it through finding the practice of yoga; you might find it some other way.  I just recently told my husband, that I feel lighter, airer... not weight wise.. life wise... I feel like air fills out my being more than ever... and a lightness saturates my being.  And there are times that those "contractions" hit that it isn't about lightness or air, it just becomes a matter of allowing the contraction to bring about the birthing.

Stillness and quiet...  In times like these stillness and quiet are important. If you don't have a journal process than start one.  If you don't know how to turn phone, computer, ipod, tablet, tv off LEARN.  I had to learn to not veg out because it was hard.  Veggie out because there were hard moments only actually delayed me.  It isn't that I didn't watch netflix or enjoy some form of entertainment, it is that I got wise and discerning about the times and made sure I was being true to what needed to happen.

Trust....  Trust that if you are hungry and thirst and you are hungering and thirsting after that which is right.. you will find it and be fed and given drink. I began to take to heart the reality of the job of Holy Spirit.  I read in John 16:13 of Christian Scriptures, "But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth; for He will not speak on His own initiative, but whatever He hears, He will speak; and He will disclose to you what is to come."  I leaned in ways I have never leaned before... living out proverbs 3:5-6;  Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.  I believed and trusted that within each day that if I prayed and ask the Spirit of the living God to lead me into all truth that the Spirit would do just that.  The places and reality I am living now I would have never imagined this is where I would be lead but to the great pleasure of the Spirit, I have allowed myself to be lead here.  I have to believe that in asking for bread I have not been given a stone and that takes trust.

Give it time.  When I first met my therapist I wanted change and I wanted change yesterday.  I knew I had blind spots and I knew that they needed to be seen and attended to and taken care of and again it would be great if it could all happen now.  We now laugh over those statements made.  Life is a beautiful process.  Each place in the process is a place.  Let it be.  Let things go.  Enjoy the journey.  It is all going to take time.  Time is a gift.  I am learning more and more to live in the now, in the moment, enjoying as much as I can and sitting with that which is harder to enjoy.     

So within all that... smile.  Smile. Enjoy the simple things in life. Enjoy laughter. Enjoy blue skies and skies that aren't so blue. Enjoy the warmth of love and friendship and family and pets.  Learn to smile. Embrace gratitude and remember breathe.