The strength of the feminine

I laid there as the early morning hours ticked away.

What was this feeling?
What were these movements that were making their way through me, wave after wave?

They had a tinge of vulnerability towards them but not fragility.
They had a whisper of a blush but the strength of iron.
They carried upon them a capturing of my breathe but the exhale of intoxication.

What was happening to me?

I just laid there.

And then within my mind's eye a flashing of beautiful images started to make their way across my interior, and the movements of sensation, beauty, imagery filled out my being and laid me wasted.  What was happening to me?

I began to pray.  Tears filled the corners of my eyes, but not as they had ever before.  Again, Inside of me I felt strong.  I have liked the word resolute so much in these past few days. It has felt like the perfect definition of what lingers in the air, of what fills out the atmosphere.  Without even having a tad of comprehension let alone complete understanding; I find myself wanting to use words like beauty, linger, kindness, generosity of spirit, warmth, pause, contemplate, resolute, strong, firm, decisive, rest, compassion, more and more and more.  They are the notes, the melodies, the steps that seem to be dancing all about me these days.

What is happening to me?

And as has been my regular custom in this season, I pause to catch my breathe.

What is happening to me?

The images I spoke of earlier.. they are of color, they are of light, they are of beauty, they are of sweetness, they are of strength, they are full of music and wonder and awe and they lay me to waste in the best of ways.

As I lay there, hoping earnestly to just fall off back to sleep, something lay a hold of my heart.  Not something, at all... Someone.  All that I have recognized of the Lord was present.  I breathed.  Spirit. Life. Joy. Laughter. Fun.  Oh my... There was a fun, nurturing and kind presence and it was becoming my undoing once again. 

"Write,"

....................... but I knew that which He was pressing in and what flowed forth from my soul, as a blush crossed my face,  I wasn't even sure I would be able to find the words to talk to my therapist about all this and yet I could feel upon Him, the hunger for me to write these experiences. Intake of air, stuck in throat... exhale.  Reminder to self, breathe, Mims... breathe.

I could!  I could feel myself blushing and I hadn't even started to write. I could feel myself smiling that shy, fun, girlish smile that one shares with girlfriends when talking about the intimate places of the heart.  And I could feel Him, lingering as was His desire for me to write.

I continued to lay there hoping sleep would come to me.  Not wanting to get up and reach for laptop and begin basically writing the depths of my soul out in places that are so new for me, too new for me; so strong and  firm and yet so gentle and vulnerable. These aren't concepts nor are they ideals. This is happening. Something has been wonderfully, beautifully, fearfully unleashed within and  I began this morning to awaken to more of  the reality that in some part, what was happening to me, was that I was awakening to all that is feminine in me.

You would think as a woman of 43 years, a wife of 22 years and a mom of 20 years, that this realization wouldn't be earth shattering.  But as I wrote to my therapist just a day or so ago, "It isn't all negative, it hasn't all been bad and matter of fact so little of it feels as a result of the push or pressure of things... its the good. It's the feeling. It's the grief, but not just grief ... its emotion.  Could it really be that 43 years of stifled feeling is taking advantage of the movements and occurrences of the day and laying hold of this as an opportunity?  So much shift happens at times in the course of these days ...... that while I can pause and at moments be blown away (Not pompously. I so hope not pompously) by who is emerging as me, as if I was or had been covered by mud and something has taken a hose and washed me down and that which was meant to be the me I was meant to be is standing there, seeing as if for the first time.. hearing things that I have never heard but definitely feeling sensations I have never touched.  Shutting it all down feels cruel but living it out and letting it breathe, feels like almost too vulnerable maybe even for words in a journal"  (and now they are in a blog.  Laugh with me please... oh my.. these days, this journey... so unexpected, so intoxicating.. so amazing.. thoroughly amazing to me.)

It  has been an undoing AND a knitting together and each day feels like the journey of 24 hours brings something forward that should take years to find.  But is that the reality of the years that have already been walked out finally emerging?  Have the terrains already been crossed?  Is this the birthing of the seasons past into the present, into the future?  Is this the suddenly after all the waiting?

It's unnerving.
It's raw.
It's undoing.

It's incredible.
It will be my undoing but it is also my liberation.

And then as I laid still in bed, trying to ignore the reality in the Spirit that was pressing upon me; I could feel even deeper into His heart beat.  Creator was wanting His daughters AND sons to understand more of the feminine nature and character of the heart beat that is exploding. 

The words of Misty Edwards' new song, Killing me with mercy, started to play upon my heart.

What are You doing Lord, kneeling in front of me?
I feel indignant Lord, that You’d ever wash my feet
I’ll never let You see the dark and dirty
It’s just too much for me
I know who You are, and I know where I have been
It offends me Lord, that Your knees are bent
I’d rather You be strong and make me pay
But this is too much for me

You’re killing me with mercy, I can’t breath
You’re wrecking me with Your kindness, I can’t receive
What am I supposed to do with a God so humble?
It’s breaking me
It’s crushing me

I've known Him for more years of my life then I haven't and yet in these days and hours, I feel like I am becoming acquainted with Him in ways that I would have never imagined possible.  They are quieter and fuller, they are delicate and compassionate and beautiful and resolute and powerful in their gentle nature.  I feel Him fuller; He is wider and larger and bigger and more complete.  And I am laid wasted before the magnificence that is being brought forward.  Laid wasted. Undone and yet put back together in ways that cause me to come undone even more in awe and wonder over the immensity of beauty that is all that is the I AM.

There was something reverberating in the air, the pulse of which filled out His heart beat.  I knew what to write but didn't want to.  Again, seriously, friends.. I was laying in the dark in my own bedroom, BLUSHING,  I don't blush. And earnestly couldn't fathom finding the words to express these things in a counseling office and yet knew I would be writing them upon my blog.  I wanted to look up and say, REALLY?!?!?!

Then again, I caught the song of His heart beat, His breathe, His lingering.. His courage and I knew what the words were.. How could I not speak them?  I love Him more and more with each passing hour... Him, not as I have made Him or others, not as church or ministry or men or women have made Him.. But that which comes forth as an essence of the magnificence of who He is.. and I have to admit I'm struggling over pronouns these days.  Seriously... And I know how that will make some of you feel.  But I'm sorry. And yet not. So I write He because Father and Son are masculine and while I won't get into any deep theological discussion; how can "she," not be part of the triune nature of God, when we are all made in that image.  Again.. this, this posting not the place.. not the time... 

There's an aspect to the feminine nature of God that is calling forward to be recognized.  This is not new. While personally I am discovering newness to the beauty and phenomenal nature of the fathomless depths  that encompasses this reality, it is not one that is new nor is it one that has been unexplored historically.  But in my western, charismatic, non-denominational.. highly hierarchical and patriarchal systematic  upbringing within church culture these areas have been left much unexplored; I am finding, to my detriment.

That is what brought me to my laptop tonight.  That is what pulled me from the warmth of my bed.  This is what stirs me these days and leaves me asking more than naught, What is happening to me?  It is an awakening.  It is an awakening to the beauty and power and majestic nature of the feminine.  Not the" I am woman hear me roar," motif but the I am woman and I am beauty and I am made in the image of the Lord and there is a power and nurturing force towards all that is feminine that resides within both masculine and feminine that must continue to be revealed and must continue to be searched out.

It will be to our detriment if it isn't.

There is a nurturing and lingering and soft and resolute aspect to Holy Spirit that is hovering over the chaos of our lives and our world and our planet and Creation that will bring a most fantastic and beautiful order but in a way that meekness inherits and peacemakers are children and   the pure in heart see....  The ceasing of striving and the holding towards stillness will open up pathways to knowing aspects of Him that are fuller and richer than anything I have ever thought.

The components of that which is  feminine is stronger and kinder, more patient, more full of self-control; the quality of   love, joy, and  peace fills out a powerful and nurturing reality.  The  goodness, faithfulness, and gentleness of this can not be overcome.

This is so very new for me...  This journey and these steps... My goodness, I feel so utterly exposed and yet stronger than ever.  The strength is nothing I have touched before.. it is warm and firm and beautiful and complete and more than I could have ever ever even anticipated touching let alone finding it coursing within...

So grateful for this new journey. So grateful for all that is happening.  So grateful and yet so undone and yet so put back together and standing, and smiling and full.

There is an intimacy and a fondness that is beckoning for us to touch in the Spirit and bring it forward.. a name we use so often is the Lover of our souls and yet language can be at times so hard to come by and the reality of it all so hard to touch.  But not really.  Earnestly it is undoing.  I am undone at times more than naught but I would only choose this path over and over and over again. I have never felt more alive.  I have never felt more open to who it is that I am... There is a nurturing and powerful place to enter and the color and the sound and the magnificence of it is full of wonder.  There are many faces and aspects to all that is feminine and they are not all female.  I want to nurture my sons into this reality as much as I do my daughters.  It will look different but the essence is the same.  

I wasn't sure I was going to find words and now my heart is alight and my face full of smile.  This... this is joy.. this is strength and dignity and beauty .. this is resolute and powerful and majestic... This.. this is the strength of the feminine. So vast and so much and so many faces.... so many images and so much to explore.. Just touching the edge and I am becoming fuller and fuller...