So more in the form of statements here goes I ......
Twenty three years a non-denominational Charismatic believer and ministered in various capacities in various places among various groups of various sizes.
Saved through a visitation that stamped upon my life the reality of God, the reality of Light, Spirit and beauty.
Led to a place and a group of people that would quickly have me touching the non-denomination, denomination, I would be a part of for the next ten plus years.
Within months would met a man who reverberated with light and energy and spirit and while paths would not truly cross again for almost 8 years, knew that that which was upon his life was upon mine and hungered and sought out what it meant to be revelatory, intuitive, sensory, empathic.... (Words such as prophetic would be used for decades but I like other words better now... I believe language is important, so utterly full and it is in that heart beat that I decide to describe actuality instead of just stamp one label upon something.)
All of that journey would be from 1991 to July 11, 2010 of the non-denominational charismatic genre.
July 11, 2010 found an experience that would light my life towards life. A blending of liturgy and Spirit. A beautiful community, an incredible idea and action. Songs and words and experience would touch liturgy and creed and Eucharist and I would have hunger fed.
A remembrance would only begin... a very quiet calling back to what I had discovered upon new and fresh days of entering into relationship with the Holy back in 1991... touching contemplatives and mystics of old... St John of the Cross, Madam Guyon, St Theresa of Avila, Brother Lawrence. But still even in 2010 I wouldn't personally transverse the divide that still existed within me... Much still needed to happen.. Many labels still needed to fall off....
As with the little wooden wimmick, Punchinello, from Max Lucado's book, You are Special, many a star and many a dot still needed to fall to the ground. I was still too self absorbed in the journey. I was still to aware of the "me" in the equation. I was still to aware of thoughts/opinions of others.
I would actually join a church for the first time in 2010 and enter into an expression that was under renovation. I would begin to be changed. I would begin to touch that which is holy and precious and beautiful.
I was still being formed from the exterior. It was still another's journey. It was still another's thoughts. It was still the experience of another. Whether it be 1800th century mystic or 21st century preacher. Who was I?
Then almost two years ago, a beautiful woman would ask me that question... "Who are you outside of ministry?" I had only begun to touch the fringes of what is slightly beginning to emerge but fringes are still fringes, hunger still hunger, and the promise of those who hunger and thirst after a rightness will be made full was beckoning me on in my journey.
I remember several things about that time....
I remember the phrase, "I can't do this anymore," beginning as an annoying utterance in the back of my head. It would move forward from a whisper to a shout, from head to heart to practice and my life would be changed. Not wanting to live in the negative I began to search out what then could I do.. if I didn't want to live the social media, marketing, strategy this and strategy that, meeting after meeting, experience seeking after experience seeking exhaustion; then what did I want? What could I do?
Whether you could classify it as the best of times and the worst of times like Dickens or a more modern voice like Brene Brown and cross off emotional breakdown for spiritual awakening, something was happening. Energy, spirit, and truth were pushing and pulling me forward and away. But moving away from over two decades of known into the unknown was beyond unnerving and began to take its affects.
But a prayer labyrinth, an incredibly wise husband, some amazing friends, an incredible spiritual director and supervisor, an episcopal priest and a very talented therapist I don't know where I would be... Yes, friends it takes a village. I am grateful for each one and how each one helped me to learn how to step forward leaving a heavy backpack behind (proverbial not actual) at the entrance of said labyrinth in Charlotte.
I think the beauty of what is emerging in these days and what has begun to show me that the agita (my grandmother's Yiddish word) of this season has been beyond worth every drop of sweat and tear is the interior work.
No longer is what is happening in me because I love Brother Lawrence, or Madam Guyon, or a modern day preacher. No longer is what is happening in me solely because of an exterior movement. I
have grappled with the reality that after over two decades I could no longer find within myself the expression of a charismatic, I laid bare my being before He who it is promised will lead us into all truth, and lived in the unknown and touched the unknowable yet searchable.
I am learning to live within the questions. I am learning to touch silence and quiet more. I am learning about breathe and body and movement and space and time and light and beauty and lingering and am coming to life... I have touched rest in a restless society that exists both inside and out of church and faith communities, and my heart, body, mind, soul and spirit are saying their thank yous by how they are responding...
So my journey.... it continues... without titles and without labels at this point.. Sure, I could use contemplative etc etc etc but right now I won't.. right now it is too new while the practices are ancient.. I am but below a novice and there is no expertise that resides here.
A few last thoughts...
Return .. return... return towards mystery and self and spirit .. Return or search out perhaps ways that beckon upon the wind or in the world of dreams. Those whispers that won't leave your heart alone, that stillness that pushes you towards a place that is full of unknown. Return.
Rest... rest... rest... Rest is not passivity nor is it inactivity. It is beauty and energy and life and liberty. REST.
Quietness... be still and know, cease striving and know... know that you will know if you trust within those quiet places and explore them out and linger ...
That is it ... linger over life.. over your day, over your moment.. over you .. over your time.. over others that are in your life and path whether for a moment, a day, a lifetime... learn to linger, enjoy and enjoyment will erupt... touch now and live the moment and in so doing a life force will meet you there and bit by bit an exchange will be made and life granted...
I was afraid and timid and scared and unsure and I took tiny step into tiny step into dark and unknown places allowing my travel guides to be new and not known to me as well. I wanted to control the outcome but was suffocating enough and desperate enough that I finally was tentatively willing enough to let go with one tiny pinky finger and that was enough.. that was enough... I have been caught up in the unexpected and the new and the old and desire and the passion of God for humanity and for love and relationship. Into discovery and freedom and joy and life was I catapulted.
One tiny nod of willingness and hunger spread throughout my person and I do, I feel like I am touching the robes of Christ for the very first time and being made well in the most beautiful and simple, profound and gentle, small and practical ways I have ever known. Grateful for my new and old teachers, new and old friends, new and old practices... grateful... Gratitude is a power and force that erupts and works wonders... practice gratitude daily.. moment by moment.. We need to breath.. Touch breathe.. Be aware of you, your life, your breathe, the community of life, breathe, humanity, creation that surrounds you.. Be aware of joy and depth and life and live
Learn to linger and be lingered over and pause and pause again and pause some more and linger some more and be still and enjoy
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