Breaking the hold of the having to get it right mentality...

I started off Holy Week at a beautiful retreat.  During those hours I came to face to face with some deep realities that were lodged in the depth of my soul.  One of the moments that was created had attendees standing before the cross as Jesus died.  The movements prior to this one had had some amazing encounters with the Spirit of the Lord.  This one stumped me.

The moment was entitled; "I stand beneath the cross, loving Jesus unto death." What would I do standing before Jesus as He died upon the cross?  What would I feel? What would it feel like?   These are some of the words that I wrote in those moments....

• Allowing things to die in my life... the brutality and pain and horror of deaths both large and small.
• What is the "appropriate" thing to do?
• How am I supposed to behave?
• What noise do I make? Do I cry? Can my eyes take in what they are seeing? What do I do? What do I want to do? Do I do that ? Is there shock? Unbelief? Horror?

And then I began to write this:

I could picture being numb; dazing out.. letting my mind wander beyond the present moments; beyond that which was happening.  The emotional exhaustion of the moments that had preceded his crucifixion. The emotion and weirdness of this moment.  Roman soldiers casting lots for His clothing, while John and Mary and Mary stood watching the One they loved suffer beyond anything imaginable.  Hearing words of a thief being welcomed into paradise.  Watching blood fall from Jesus' brow.

My own emotions; the weight of despair, and the fear and loneliness and confusion.  Would I be letting myself take it all in or would I be sheltering my heart and mind from that atrocities that bore out in front of me.

Would I do it right if I stood there? Would I have done it right? Who would I have been? Where would I have been? What would I have endured or would I have scurried away and not stood with You in those moments?

It was from those moments of contemplation and retreat that I would enter into a week that would hold within its days a surgery on my second oldest son's knee.  All that this week has encompassed.  All that this week has held.

Moments I know that I got it "right." Whatever that really is and moments I know that I wish I could do over.. do better.

Another moment on the evening of the retreat would linger and still does... The first moment created was in regards to the Last Supper. Instead of a foot washing; a basin was brought forth and hands were washed. In those moments as an amazing woman washed my hands with water and  dried them with a white towel, I felt.. I understood.. I was cleansed.. I was made new... No longer at all like Lady Macbeth trying to scrub out spots of guilt. In a moment I felt the reality of being washed. Spirit and water and moments transcended time and guilt and shame washed off flesh and conscience.

Panic and fear scream that there is a "right" way to do any number of things  and an exact path that must be followed.  The world attempts to dictate the same as if our own souls don't push in enough.

So what is the key?  How can I break off the Vulcan death grip and find life and breathe?

The answer came to me as I discussed the concept of embracing silence and quiet with a friend recently.  We were talking about silence and how in a moment granted there was one who felt that they were being dictated to about what to do within that moment and internalized that pressure to" get it right. "

My response was this...

You can't get silence right.  That's its beauty.  Sure, are there monks who can last days sitting in lotus pose in stillness and silence.  Are they getting it right?  If that standard isn't met does that mean the silence we attempt is wrong?  That right/wrong mentality is what has to be excused from our beings.

When I lead a small group of women into small group spiritual direction, I put before them the opportunity to touch a few minutes of silence.  I express to them these things.  If you fall asleep then sleep was what you needed. If you start going through your grocery list as quiet descends, let it happen.. don't fight it off per se but attempt to excuse it from your mind.  If your mind wanders and you find yourself thinking if you are doing silence "right," try and put those thoughts onto a boat and send them down the river not fixating on them but giving them permission to come but then letting them leave.  And if out of 3 minutes or 5 minutes you find yourself within 20 seconds of silence and realize you have had a movement of accepting the silencing of thoughts and noise then again smile, let the thoughts come.. and then let them go... Breath.. Breath deeply and let time and space and breathe and silence and quiet and stillness just be upon your person as much as it can....

Permission... Permission is a major key in granting ourselves an out from the "having to get it right" mentality.  Permission to get it wrong. Permission to accept that maybe "right," and "wrong," might be the wrong words.  What other language can you begin to embrace that is full of grace, freedom and life?

Religious circles can be the worst with this mentality.  I know from which I come... the places where shame and guilt scream that you have done it wrong again and again  for the millionth time.  The quiet and not so quiet million little and not so little deaths you have died trying to please god and man.  The energy that has been expended only to find that death resides inside though the outsides look pretty and appropriate.

"Appropriate" mentalities will exhaust and enslave. Grant yourself permission today... moment by moment, to show up and be and breathe....

One last story and then I will finish...

I arrived early for my therapist appointment.  I sat in my car.  I was listening to music.  My attention was brought to the roof of their office.  This is what I felt that the Lover of my soul spoke into my being in those moments....  "Let me write upon you a different reality/perspective on perfection."  (As I looked at the roof of my therapist's office I saw imperfections in the tiling of the roof.) The words continued to cascade down and over my soul.  "Let me write upon you a new and different reality of perfection.  It is not that which appears perfect. It is that which is perfect.  That is me. I am not of this world.  The world's dictation of perfection can never even ever come close.  Rest in One. Rest in one and it will heal the effects of the other.

Hear these words again... "It is not that which appears perfect. It is that which IS perfect.  Rest in one and it will heal the other."

Be made whole in the love and acceptance and passion and compassion of the One who is Perfection and let that love and beauty cascade down over your soul and cleanse and heal and bring forth new life...