What I find enlightening is when one steps into a journey like this, it ends up taking upon itself a life of its own. There are things I am already learning about myself, fear and fearlessness that I really never touched before. Step by step, I am living my day. I am taking new chances. But this week I learned something about fear and myself that has catapulted me ahead. What was that last week 5 steps forward a proverbial million back.. well, this week definitely made up ground.
So what? What is it?
Human know thy self and to thy own self be true! What?
This week I sat with my journal and for the first time wrote the honest truth of where I would like to be a year from now. I didn't self edit. (So much more on that in a minute.) I just let myself go. I let myself go and express. What do I want? Who do I want to be? What do I want to accomplish? In three months? In six? In nine? Upon this day next year where is that I want to be standing?
Sadly, I learned extreme propriety at an early age. Appropriate manners and appropriate behavior in most circumstances or one was being told where the faux pas happened. In so many ways I edit my life before I get a chance to live. I have let fear of ridicule, embarrassment, and failure hinder me and my dreams. I edit myself. I keep my mouth and heart closed. I watch life instead of participate.
I once had to find my voice because it was a matter of life and death. My life and death... I once had to find my voice because of things I was seeing were just wrong. Both occasions were accompanied by much loss. Again I face in the present a time and season where to find my voice and make choices to speak and act are upon me, again they are being accompanied by great loss. But still...... This journey, now four weeks in, is changing my life. And it really has only just begun!
Fear is a worthy adversary. One with so very many different facets. This week its whispers went something like this:
Who do you think you are to want that..
There are so many people more talented or better than you
Better not let anyone know
Failure is immanent and a given
Statement after statement attempted to land and still I wrote in my journal.
In 3 months, in 6, in 9, in a year.....
When I think back to 3 months ago I was facing down an evening where I was staring at the cost, the child care needs, etc of a three week retreat and thinking; "no way. It won't happen." Three months later... Not only did the retreat happen but I stand having finished every post training mentoring requirement. That is three months for you!!! I didn't even know a year ago I was going to be doing yoga, let alone teaching it and meeting people one on one for therapeutic sessions.
With these new victories of what time can hold within its passageways, I stood against the whispers of fear this week and said... I want to write! I want to write and speak and share and find my voice and most importantly empower others to find theirs ... I want to find my way through the Christian/Yoga conversation in a way that is intelligent and articulate and spiritual, I want to find my way through this journey of Spiritual awakening that I am on and not ever go back to any type of dogmatic religious fundamentalism while holding space for all who want to walk their journeys and letting all be where they are and love, serve and enjoy each other....
I want to face each day and get up on my feet and breathe and believe that upon those moments, upon that day, I have what I need to walk out the dreams and desires upon my heart, to meet each obstacle, each fear and to stay the course while also being aware that courses altar themselves and one needs to be flexible.
I want to face times of upheaval and challenges and change with a courage not a bravado. I want to face these times with humility all the while being aware that true humility isn't self-deprecation. I want to be able to hold my weaknesses and limitations side by side with my strengths and giftings and be OK with each grouping. I want to be able to hold the detractions that come alongside the accolades that come and remain neutral, grateful for the lessons of each. I am glad my life is speaking and encouraging those while also realizing it isn't pleasing to many and yet let neither the proverbial stars or mud touch my life, change me or really matter....
I want to dream without fear and keep dreaming in the light of failure....
Week four has birthed a determination and smile that has coursed through my life at moments bringing new waves of resolve. I have watched myself for a very long time, self edit. I edit myself before the truest expression of me can be heard or seen. I have morphed myself into a place to be more pleasing, more appropriate, more aligned to another's vision. I self edit before I would even let myself be aware of what I would want to say... Why? I was afraid of the cost! I was afraid of what I knew the losses would be... But here's the interesting thing. I wish I had been more afraid. But not in the same way. What did I lose of myself in the process? What dreams went shelved? What words went silent? What tasks went postponed? Self - editing isn't living! Taking moments to say F&#$ it! I am going to try. Screw that I am going to share from my heart regardless of what happens the second after. I am more willing to lose X, Y, or Z then I am to lose myself into oblivion. I must find the way to let go and release the truest expression of who I am and let that soar! Self edit no more!
Grateful for the whispers and words from heaven and earth that keep me going.... And that is where I will end.... This journey is teaching me it is OK to be afraid. It really is ok to admit that I am afraid. I am afraid I will fail. I am afraid I am going to care about something and it won't come to pass, it won't be successful. But then... what if it does? What if the one next step brings the dream to pass? I won't know if I don't try....
What's worth failing at in your life ? I would rather try and fail at writing and serving others through the modalities of yoga, spiritual direction, and the personal articulation through speaking, writing, or leading retreats then not try! What is worth trying even if you fail? Find that... let yourself admit that and take one step.....
No comments:
Post a Comment