I couldn't look more shocked as my eyes lifted to make contact.
"No, absolutely not... I am not the fun one."
That was actually a piece of sorrow within my heart, that I wasn't... in the depths of my heart the confession existed that I was indeed not the fun one. Inhibition ruled and I did not let myself release all that often to just have fun. I'm not talking about going to the movies fun, or playing a board game fun, or going to the amusement park fun and I'm not talking about life of the party fun either. I'm talking about joy emanating, peace exuding, smile upon face.. not in a bubbly extroverted way but in the life is ok, this moment is ok; kind of way; fun. You know that person that despite any circumstance that is going on and however bad it is; the person because of their presence brings a blanket of okedness and deep joy that permeates the environment. The essence of fun.
NO, I was not that person.
Too tightly wound.
Too much in my head.
Too unsure.
Too insecure.
Too afraid inside of what others thought.
No, I was not the "fun one." And I let the one who spoke such a thing know as much. All that person did was look back at me and stand firm. "I think you are the fun one."
This person has been more right upon more topics than I care to give them. (Huge smile here. Sometimes tone is hard to read.)
I want to write a caveat here. I am going to write freely. I implore you to proceed. I know I am writing this post, I don't mean to be pompous here... But this post is changing my life and I know it will change yours. If you let it.... It might stretch you a bit to hear the words, "Buddhist nun," be stretched. Just journey within this blog with me and wander around in your own thoughts. In the expression of humanity there is more in common then what we in our egos want to admit. I am not saying anything more but I am not saying anything less upon this topic in this posting; my prayer is you will find the grace, eyes, and ears and heart to embark upon the waters of the deep oceans.
So I am reading The Wisdom of No Escape and the Path of Loving - Kindness, by Pema Chodron. Loving - Kindness has been a fascination of mine for years now. I have a friend who has taught upon it opening up pathways for it to come flowing forth like a most magnificent river of life into me. Loving Kindness is spoken of so often within the scriptures; the strength of it, how it surrounds us, how we are pursued by it and how it is a force and a power and a beauty that changes lives. Pema Chodron writes upon this topic as well and as I embarked upon a thirty day discovery with this book, I was rendered into joy.
Before going further I want to lay a foundation. Or as I said in a previous post I want to give you two pieces of the puzzle and then we will proceed to the picture.
What is the second commandment? So often we hear love your neighbor. I want to focus on the totality of that command. "Love your neighbor as yourself." I know so many people who love their neighbors; love them extremely well! Serve and love their neighbors, pour out their lives for their neighbors, demonstrate loving kindness to their neighbors all day long. Those same people I don't see loving themselves well at all. They extract something from themselves that they earnestly don't have to give. I did it for decades under some compulsion to think or believe I was a good person because I could love my neighbor and serve them to the point of utter exhaustion.
What does it mean to love oneself? How would that change loving neighbors enough to show a difference in my own life? We will get to these questions in a minute.
Pause here... sit with these... sit with the question what does it mean to love oneself? Reflect. Wait. Linger...
Second piece of the so called puzzle that I want to lay before you and slide it over across the table to you because I think you have the matching piece for the border.
It is found in the book of Matthew in the New Testament. (Mt 7:2-4)
Do not judge so that you will not be judged. "For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. "Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?…
I want to sit on the log for a moment.
Oh that log. That place of self examine that is not an easy place to go.
And now we head forward to the picture... Hold onto the Second Commandment and the story of the log in your own eye.
Now some quotes.......
"The path of meditation and the path of our lives altogether has to do with curiosity, inquisitiveness. The ground is ourselves now, not later. People often say to me, "I wanted to come and have an interview with you, I wanted to write you a letter, I wanted to call you on the phone, but I wanted to wait until I was more together." And I think, "Well, if you're anything like me, you could wait forever!" So come as you are. The magic is being willing to open to that, being wiling to be fully awake to that. One of the main discoveries of meditation is seeing how we continually run aware from the present moment, how we avoid being here just as we are. That's not considered to be a problem; the point is to see it.
Inquisitiveness or curiosity involves being gentle, precise, and open - actually being able to let go and open. Gentleness is a sense of goodheartedness toward ourselves. Precision is being able to see very clearly, not being afraid to see what's really there, just as a scientist is not afraid to look into the microscope. Openness is being able to let go and to open. (Pema Chodrin, Loving - Kindness, The Wisdom of no Escape).
Think about those that followed the Christ when He walked the face of the Earth. Jesus didn't clean up the fishingman, tax collectors, prostitutes prior to calling them to follow Him. He called them. He called them to come as they were.....
For what seems like ions now upon the movements of my heart the whispers of the Lord make their movement across my heart. "Let it go, child.. let it go. Let it go." No, He isn't Elsa from Frozen. Much grander and real.
The ideas are very Ignatian as well. The practice of the daily examin. The reality of holding in tension our strengths and our giftings alongside our weaknesses and limitations.
As I started my personal journey with breathe, stillness, solitude, mediation and quiet I had to learn to sit with myself. As I have guided others during a spiritual direction session I have watched as just sitting still with phone, ipod, computer, tv, etc off is sometimes thoroughly undoing. In our culture to sit with oneself or to just sit, is not something we practice. It is to our detriment.
Unaware of what those practices were doing and undoing within me I began to emerge into a different space. I was kinder to self, kids, husband. I was more aware of all things around me; color, beauty, sound, light and joy. I was settling into my body probably for the first time in all my 43 years. (Not going into those details here but coming from an abusive past who wants to sit with self and body?) In so doing I was changing. In embracing these practices I was soaring upon the wind. In learning to sit quietly and patiently with who it is that I am within the reality of the Spirit and the heart of Creator, I became more and less.
I began to love myself. I began to understand I was a self to love. I began to touch the reality of the deepest truths that I am a I. A fun I. A happy I. A strong I. A beautiful I. A smart I. A quirky I. I loved all of it. I loved all that discovery. Even the not so positive Is. I have insecurities and fears. I lose train of thought often. I have needs for people in places I don't like needing people. I have longings and desires I don't know what to do with. I have hatred in my heart. I can be mean. I can be selfish. Well... so maybe I don't love all of it... But as I looked at the pole in my own eye. As I sat with the poles in my own eye, something richer and deeper began to emerge. I had fallen in to what I considered a pathetic cliche of a struggle within my heart, as I sat with it, allowed to myself to face that indeed this was in my heart and it was a definitive struggle and I felt foolish and stupid for letting it all happen; compassion was birthed.
What?
Let me quote Pema one more time.....
The effect of this month of meditation that we are beginning will be as if, at the end of of wach day, someone were to play a video of you back to yourself and you could see it all. You would wince quite often and say "Ugh!" You probably would see that you do all those things for which you criticize all those people you don't like in your life, all those people that you judge. Basically, making friends with yourself is making friends with all those people too, because when you come to have this kind of honesty, gentleness, and goodheartedness, combined with clarity about yourself, there's no obstacle to feeling loving - kindness for others as well.
So the ground of maitri (friendship with self) is ourselves................Out inquisitiveness will not be limited just to sitting here; as we walk through the halls, use the lavatories, walk outdoors, prepare food in the kitchen, or talk to our friends - whatever we do - we will try to maintain that sense of aliveness, openness, and curiousity about what's happening. Perhaps we will experience what is traditionally described as the fruition of maitri - playfulness.
So hopefully we'll have a good month here, getting to know ourselves and becoming more playful, rather than more grim. (Pema Chodrin, Loving - Kindness, The Wisdom of no Escape).
I had been given this book months ago with another one. It was the other one I had begun. Yesterday this book called to me. I could see it in my mind's eye. I could see where it lay besides my bed. The calling was relentless. To it I went. As I read day one of this thirty day adventure, I laughed and I cried and I sat in awe.
I didn't know what the heck I was doing when I began to sit quietly and meditate. I felt the posture calling to me. I felt silence wooing me towards something. I felt Holy Spirit urging me to be still; be still and know Holy Spirit in ways I had never known before. I felt the call to cease striving. It was relentless. I had read mystics and contemplatives of old but hadn't fully put into practice all that I had known for a while.
I got the books about all these topics and upon my shelves they lay, as whisper after whisper implored me to just trust and rest and return and quiet. An inner strength began to emerge as did tears, as did anger, as did peace, as did trust, as did joy, as did frustration, as did sorrow, as did me...... I began to emerge. My voice, who it is that the I of me is.... and I began to smile more. Contentment rocked my world. My soul was utterly changing before me. I was becoming the me I was always intended to be and am becoming the me I was always intended to become.
Whimsical and fanciful and strong and beautiful and kind and wise and stupid and corrupt and impatient and egotistical. I emerged loving song again as music reentered our lives filling out car trips and cleaning kitchens. Dancing and dishes, singing and scrapping, laughing and laundry... Life became full of more. Kids and I singing at the top of our lungs as I drive down the highway, dancing in the kitchen as our favorite songs flash through my Ipod, and so many more memories.. too many to recount. Amidst the realities of the day and the past year still that was full of loss and pain and struggle and weeping and mourning, I saw the first rays of the dawn and there was dancing. There is dancing.
I was so tightly wound. I was so strict with myself. I was so hungering for perfection. I was dying. I was suffocating. I was miserable. I was loving my neighbor though................ Just not self.
I went back to that person recently. I looked them in the eyes. A huge smile upon my face.
"I am the fun one."
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