Here's my stone.................... Week 5 came and went... Jumping to week 6

I would need several blog posts to catch up on the last two weeks of this journey.

Living out the year without fear has taken form time and time again. Even offering amazing surprises at every turn.

My favorite.....

It is true. When you put something out into the Universe, when you say I am standing at this juncture and this is where I am, movement and vibration and shift begin to happen.  In six weeks; I have lived more, completed more, started more, cried more, screamed more, laughed more, hid more, duck and covered more, paused more, questioned more, bothered friends, family and therapist more then ever before. Ok, maybe not ever before but darn close.

 Back to the words "my favorite" I have watched the journey transcend my life and touch the lives of those I know and love and those that I have never met.  It doesn't get much better than this folks.  A pebble is thrown into a pond and the ripples start forming.

I have a child with some very significant learning difficulties.  Now that he is getting older, he is very aware of the fact that he can't quite read or write at the level of his classmates just yet.  The beginning of the school year was traumatic for him.  We sat quietly. We snuggled and shared lots of love. We entered into meditation and postures to calm and relax him.  We lived through tears. (I haven't been the only one crying.) We lived through fights over homework. We lived. Then he came home one day.  Beaming. What were his words to me, "Mom, I faced my fears."  What would come out of his mouth, and then not too much later when an email from his teacher appeared in my inbox stating the entire story, was amazing.

He had read. He had read new words without assistance. Then he wanted to read them to the entire classroom. There's no way within a whole blog post I could express how monumental that was, let alone a few sentences.  This kid was beaming. He had faced his fears and he had won!

I haven't talked much about this experiment at home. It is only on its sixth week. I wanted to take it step by step.  But here was this 9 year old shouting out, "Mom, I faced my fear." He had read in front of a class of his peers who he knows reads better then him. And man... did these people celebrate him. His teacher, principle, aid, and peers..... It was a banner day!

Now here's the thing. Did his learning difficulties leave his life? NO. They did not.  But fear began to ... more than anything, he stepped into the arena and said to the giant, "here's my stone."

What were my stones these two weeks?
More than I could account for.... Hence the missing post from week 5....

I faced a project I had been putting off for 6 months and in one week was done from start to finish.  I lifted boxes, threw out garbage, made more trips to the dump then I care to think about.. but from one Thursday to the next I stood upon ground and I remained standing.

Let's not be frivolous about fear or change or life.  This isn't some mega church program I am trying to sell you. I am not some pumped up, change your life, all is easy and prosperous cheer leader standing on a stage telling you to face your fears. Matter of fact, do you remember the posts where I wrote about the days before the year without fear.  What I want to say more than ever now, six weeks in, take the time.. go slow, this journey isn't easy.  Take time to really look at your life, what you want and what you don't and what it is going to take to get there.... What you think it will take, take that.. now pause. Really think about where you are, and where you want to be and what stands in the way... the journey from A to B, will take everything you have and then multiply that by (well, I honestly don't know what to tell you.) Realize it will take more than you ever imagined.

Step anyway................

For on that second Thursday, when the project was all done and everything was picked up and completed.. I stood. Yes, I did. Because that is what I have set my heart to do in this season. Having done all I can do I will stand at the end of the day.  I will stand. I will show up time and time again, saying.. I have done what I can do and now I will just stand. (There's a favorite Christian passage in their holy text that says, "having done all stand." Another translation will say "firm." Having done everything I can do, I will stand firm.)  I stand firm on the fact that this journey is hard, it is taking more from me at times than it has given back yet, but still I stand.  Some days taking ground, some days giving it back.... only then to take it right back to myself again and again and again.

Back to that Thursday.  I stood. I stood as I watched the same truck and actually the same driver come and pick up a storage unit (3 years later) that had once held hope of something that wasn't meant to become. You see what the mega church, prosperity only message people don't tell you.. is that sometimes things don't work out. Sometimes you stand in the gap that is left when the trailer and the truck pulls out leaving empty earth behind.  And at that moment, there is no hyped up message that can get your fires lit.  There is only ache, there are only tears, there are only moments to stand alone in silence.

One must stand and grieve. A good portion of that process will happen in quiet, out of the way places.. standing alone.

This current weekend is fascinating to me.  A weekend that for me held newness and continued training, also held some very different things for different groups of people that have been in my life both in Virginia and  in Charlotte, as well as  in other places.  A weekend rolled onto our calendars and into our lives. People who once had been in communities together enjoying and celebrating relationships were doing very different things. This weekend holds for me memories of other weekends, and moments and events that would roll out and change the lives of many.  But this weekend also holds new beginnings this year... New faces, new ideas, new things to learn and experience....

To negate times, seasons, passageways negates what the human soul needs.  There are moments needing to be remembered and lingered over and let go of... the process takes time. Living without fear for me in moments means seeing the calendar, not ignoring the dates forever stamped upon my remembrances, taking a deep breathe, touching grief and still putting a foot forward into the future and new dates and times to be had.

There are moments to pause and be silent. There are moments to remember and ache and be still. There are times I have awoken from the dream and found out that it was only a dream and it wasn't real. Or if it was real, having lived the dream it is time to wake up. Because there are also other dreams. There are also other moments to come and sing and shout and dance and do life and living.  There is a time for mourning and then the dancing will come. There is a time for letting go and releasing. There is a time to receive. There is time to let the tears fall and let the body shake and let the hurt be and then there is a time to not so much dust oneself off (because living with the reminder and residue of that dust isn't such a bad thing) but a time comes when smiles will come back, the body desires to dance again and the hurt (which remains) doesn't cripple.

This year without fear, isn't without fear. I know I have said that before. This year without fear is about showing up. This year about fear is saying back to life, that I know it is changing. In some places it has changed forever and will continue to change. It is about admitting the weeks where fear gets to put a tally mark on its side. It is about admitting that some days my eyes ache for the old familiar; for old friends, for old places, for the known, for my aunt, for what I knew before......  Sometimes my heart lurches and I fall to my knees and I lay my head down and just let myself be. Because sometimes living a year (or a moment) without fear takes everything there is to be taken.  It isn't all pretty. Sometimes new is exhausting. Sometimes the continual putting oneself out there into new places with new people is simply and profoundly exhausting and I touch the grief of having watched comforting familiar places pass away. Literally and figuratively.   And then the exhilarating moments arrive too, what I have found is that in between exhaustion and exhilaration is a new normal.  It is that first smile and first awkward "getting to know you" conversation. It is the first attempt to try something and watch it soar or crash but picking myself back up again, to show up again, to try again, to feel insecure again, to struggle with vulnerability again, to hate transparency again, to ask the questions again and again and again, to say the thank yous again.. and oh, those small smiles of appreciation passing them on again and again.

Gratitude erupts. I am grateful for those who I have journeyed with, I am grateful I had my auntie in my life for 43 years, I am grateful for the two plus decades of work and all the people within those days that brought me to where I stand today and I am grateful for the fact that no matter what any one day holds, the sun will always rise. 

So when I say having done what I can do I stand. I plant my feet and with a resolute firmness I stand. I go to my knees and tuck my head and try to breath and I stay in that posture with a resolute firmness. I face week 7 and the rest of this year with a resolute firmness.

A year without fear isn't about living without fear... it is about living.
It is showing up and standing. It is saying to all the Goliaths out there... Here's my stone.

My Yoga/ Christian Journey : When There is a Void ... I Pray.. Let There Be Light

As I said, I have  never planned out a blogging sequence. That is until now.

I can feel in my gut that there is something missing.  A portion, an articulation, an essence of which, desires to find expression.  I am not so brash as to say I have the fullness of  such a thing.  I do believe I am a pilgrim upon a journey of discovery.  I do believe, that as I walk this narrow dusty path that which I behold is bringing transformation.  I do believe, that there are people, places and postures along the way that have much to teach me and are teaching me much.

I begin with this posture.
I begin in this place.

I humbly come before my God, who I believe created me in the very heart beat of His essence.
I humbly come before you, who I believe I am connected to... Holding the high priestly prayer of Christ so close to my heart. The reality of Oneness.  Oneness of all things and of all people... I read the words of one of His last earthly prayers and am so moved by His hunger for humanity to understand our Oneness with each other and with the Divine.

This... this posture is the one I begin this intentional conversation within.....
Humbly coming... laying all that I think I thought I knew down and uttering an expression .. In my knowing I did not know and now that I do not know I am beginning to know.

In the beginning of all things there is a story and as it goes, there was void and things were formless and Spirit hovered .... There was no form. There was void and there was darkness.

When chaos and void and darkness reign what do we need?
Spirit to Hover.
Spirit to be engaged.
Light

When chaos reigns in our hearts, in our bodies, in our minds what do we need?
We need to find a greater order, we need to find light and peace and yes.. Spirit!

Let there be light.............

Light brings that illumination through which we see.

Was that "let there be light," a big bang of instant spoken word from Divine Creator sparking a revolution of beauty and wonder and fullness?  Did that expression of let there be light bring forth a wonderment and awe and revelation?  An expression that says chaos can be brought to higher order, voids can be made full, and darkness can be eradicated by light.

As is true for the natural world, so is true for the human life... the human heart.

Let there be light... Let a greater order by which we can see come and fill that which was once empty and dark.  May we learn from the void, the darkness, and the emptiness and touch fullness, light and creativity.

What came after the utterance of light was a burst of creative power and expression, exploding time and time again. This expression kept expanding and expanding as the ever widening circle of reality went from good to very good and then to holy.

Creative expression in the form of the water, land, sky, earth, creature filled the space as did human. Clay was taken into hands and breath was added. Breath!!!!  Very good was declared. Clay was formed into substance. Clay was formed. A body became.  A body became and was still until the breath came.  Then there was life.

Light. Creativity and fullness. Body. Breath... In the beginning of all things, as it is written in ancient Hebrew texts. We weren't left to be floating spirits without a body. We were given the gift of body. Body is house and temple and can be home. (More on that subject..lots more on that subject to come.)

Then came holy.  What is holy?  The very first thing that the Creator ever pronounced as being holy was rest.
Sabbath and rest and trust would become the crux of the journey between God and that which He spilled His image into, us! 

So in the proverbial beginning and in this beginning I see so much  to lay a foundation upon.

Spirit ... energy, vibration, frequency, sound, light, breath
Voids being made full with creative wonder
Rest being enacted as an act of holiness.

Yoga comes from a Sanskrit word, a derivation of the word yuj, which means yoking as in a team of oxen. Another way to read and understand it is to think of union.  The practice of yoga is said to be for the union of body, mind and spirit. In the creation account that I know Christians and Hebrews look towards there is that union.  The divine yokes His essence with Creation, calling things good, very good and holy.  In all essence in the beginning there was the yoking together, the union of The Divine Presence, Creation, woman and man, light, breath, energy....

There is nothing in that list that is separate or other than what I find in the very heart beat and practice of yoga.  A space created for me to step into, to discover the void within, to strengthen and feel the strength of my body that houses me, (We are now the Temples of the Spirit.... I find that as much in New Testament reading as I do in other sacred texts.) to grow in awareness of my need for breath and movement and to bring alignment with all that I am into a space that will help focus my mind upon whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is good. I am told to think upon such things. The practice of meditation and yoga brings together a peace and a stability within so that I can grasp a hold of the peace that passes all understanding and bring that off the mat and into my life.

  I wouldn't start my yoga practice until December 2014, however in July of 2014 I was asking within the pages of my journal that I would be led into a deeper understanding of the body, mind and spirit connection.  I could feel the pull of something upon my soul, yet knew not what it was and then came the practice of yoga.  There was such an intense hunger within to touch understanding.  Why a body? What does it mean that we have a body? How can I be more fully in my body? What is my soul, my mind, me? What is my Spirit? How do the three come together?

Void met form
Breath met dry bones
Light entered my eyes and my soul igniting my spirit and brought deep life into my body 
Rest was found

The practice of yoga isn't to be made christian but a Christian can do yoga.
The practice of yoga isn't Buddhist but a Buddhist can do yoga.
The practice of yoga isn't Hindu but a Hindu can do yoga.

The practice of yoga transcends the specific expression of any one religion and can be as varied as there are people. Some use the straight forward posture driven practice to grow strength and be more present within their own bodies. Others incorporate a more meditative stance.

Step by step....  I take this journey.
Finding an articulation that is expansive and inclusive and rings true and lives in union with all that I know of the Lord's nature and character.  There is nothing I see in the beginning of all things that would deny the basis of holding a yoga practice deep into my heart and my life. There is nothing I see in the beginning of all things that says I must first call something "christian" before it can be holy or safe or "right."   I see there was a void. I see Spirit hovered and then after the passage of time spoke and came energy (What is light?), creative power and humanity full of breath......

The articulation takes flight... Finding my way

I really didn't know how to begin. So I just began to try and find the articulation
I don't feel articulate in this matter at all.
I know I have my bias.
That's not where I want to write from... 

I want to discover what to say that is well spoken, and universal enough.  I don't want to castrate yoga to make it appealing to Christians but I still (regardless of thought out there) have Christ as the corner stone of my life. Personally and this is just a personal (while acknowledging that I'm making it public) stance.. I don't think putting the word "holy" or "christian" before something makes it any more holy and any more christian.

What it does is this.......

It makes it more marketable for a population. 

But I have seen that industry destroy too many lives to go down that path.  The marketable "christian" label.. aka man or woman of the hour, that isn't really cared about just the fact that they can sell products, books, grow a church, be an amazing orator even when their personal life is falling to shit and nobody cares about the person behind the pulpit, sometimes even sadder not even the person behind the pulpit, what was once said? You can gain the whole world but what?????

I get off on a rabbit trail.

I refuse to castrate Christ and put a "christian" label on yoga just so you all will stop telling me I'm going to hell, or leading the faithful astray.

Remember in the last post when I said I was behaving myself... Uhm... This post not so much. Remember when I wrote about self-editing... This post .... not so much.

I'm a reader... yet sadly there is much lacking to even be read in this area...

BUT...

On that last point I realized that that is part of this new journey of mine.  There's isn't much to read in the Yoga/Christian conversation.  There is a  lot if you want to believe Christians don't do yoga.  There is even places where what is written is how to make yoga Christian.  I don't fit in either of those categories. I can feel in the depth of me that there is a conversation missing.  Where it ceases to be about yoga and it ceases to be about Christian and it becomes about what is life giving and true and real and abounding in the spirit if we will just let our bias and our preferences that separate us fall to the ground.   So even when I have found the  few sources that are  out there, I couldn't quote them, nor really share them without putting a disclaimer.  There were things written that for me didn't feel right.  I didn't want to go toe to toe. I didn't want to give excuses for, there is no excuse needed. There is no defense needed. 

There is lack of understanding that, as is written in Hebrew text, causes the people to perish.  I want to find an intelligible conversation that is full of spirit and truth and life and bridges the gap. I know there is one. Those before me have found the way. I am no pioneer.  Just read the likes of Thomas Merton and others like him. (I wish I knew the names from other traditions to point to as well.. the likes of Thomas Merton who could see the cross cultural and inter faith dialogue and with brilliance and incredible articulation bring to life that which I feel in my bones but can't fully find the expression yet.)

I want to share this point.... Because I think for many of us, Christians... and yes, I say us... That has been a hard path too.... Because as much as many of you would disown me from the expression of my faith tradition, this Summer I questioned in ways I rarely, if ever had.  What kept me in?  (Oh behave yourself, Mims Driscoll. Behave yourself. So much I want to say here... More in regards to what wouldn't have kept me in... but I honestly believe the conversation is more important then my personal ranting.)  I wish I had stayed with what kept me in all my faith journey BUT I didn't and that IS on me.
What kept me in was that I couldn't disown my experience.  When I was 19 and not knowing anything spiritual, but only knowing death and destruction,I went to a window and prayed and what transpired did change everything.  No person, well... no human being living at the time led me into faith.  What happened in that room is for another post but important here because of what I didn't do... I didn't stay true to those initial moments. I veered into religious expression more than spiritual truth for a long time.  I stopped listening to essence and allowed others to dictate beliefs and behaviors.

The larger picture became this, I believed the form of Christianity that the Vineyard Christian Fellowship believed for eleven years. They said this was the way to interpret scripture, live the "Christian" life, etc I was on board hook, line and sinker... ( Sunk)  I was on the fringe of some of their limits with the reality of understanding how mystical and spiritual things work, but we walked together. Pastored, helped to church plant, led ministries within... I had what they called their DNA.  When the reality of differences of philosophy became a breach, there was already another affiliation to take their place and again for another decade (some overlap.. I was a mixed breed even back then.) I stood in company line of Streams Ministries and allowed myself again to hook line and sinker buy company line after line after line.  (No tattoos.. even no yoga.. no this.. no that......and that list kept growing except when I look back the incongruities of what was and wasn't allowed startle me.What is said? Having eyes they do not see. Having ears they do not hear. Wow! What the irony.)  But I bought and drank all the kool aid without  enacting discernment on my own... That.. hear me.. that is on me. I take responsibility for not enacting my own self. I didn't show up. A version of me did... a politically correct for the situation, wanting to fit in, needing to fit in, wanting to belong version of me showed up. But I made those choices. I saw all the crap at times and stayed anyway. The things we didn't do as good christians but the things we would allow.  The jealousy and envy that I watched crush a whole organization but dammed are you if you get a tattoo. Really? And even if we weren't buying the totality of the shit, we bought enough that we stayed.  We viewed the organism as a means to self progress into spiritual understanding or personal benefit. Do I exaggerate? Not as much as you want to think I am....  We want to see white wash because it brings comfort to think its all white and there's an all black. There is an all good and there is an all bad.  BUT nothing is ever black and white. NOTHING.

But again I digress... This is the continuing of the beginning of me finding what I want to express for the Yoga/Christian conversation

It is about yoga but It ceases to be about yoga
It is about christian but It ceases to be about christian

I am finding my way. For the first time planning out a series of blogs! I want an articulate, intelligent, spiritual, beautiful expression for this conversation. I know it exists. Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. I can listen to Snatum Kaur and Misty Edwards and worship my heart out to both. Same spirit. SAME SPIRIT!!!!! 
There is an expression where it ceases to be about what would divide us, that which is of the proverbial Paul and Apollos doesn't matter.  

When I was a child in my faith I thought and acted as a child, but it is time to put childish things aside and grow up into a maturity and sight that sees. When I think of the me back when I was wearing label after label of Christendom, I think... Wow, if that self could see this self... that's how I get it when certain segments of the population want to remind me of such things... you see I'm not a stranger to such ways.  The list of taking up "company line" went  on and on until it stopped...

What happened? What's happening?

Yoga taught me that when I step on the mat, it's MY practice.  It is my expression. On the mat yoga taught me to listen to myself, to listen to my body and to hear my heart and take care of my breath. Yoga taught me that I didn't need a label or another person's vision or belief. I learned that what I could do in the moment was what I could do even if yesterday I did more.  I learned in the practice of yoga, in the scientifically proven basis for bringing breath and body together to calm the mind and that I was an I. To listen to that more and to follow the breath, the spirit, (Not new age here.. think creation people.. garden. Breath brings life. That hasn't ever changed!) and to follow that was what would lead me into all life.

  The lessons I learned on the yoga mat propelled me to a life I would have never dreamed of and the Spirit of the living God was always there, because the Spirit is everywhere...

In the beginning I was a tad disconcerted that I was being engaged by God more at the yoga studio then in church. I would come to my mat before a class and as presence would engulf me I began to cry. OFTEN.  Why? Why here?  I had been going to church for months and months and not feeling anything liken to that and while not confused I was sad.  I was.....

I will tell you what I know to be true of Spirit's response to me in those moments.  He is the I am. He will meet us where He meets us and He is in all places.  Where the Spirit leads He will ask us to follow but we don't have to... It is an invitation.  We will always have choice.  I didn't enact my choice time after time in other places and in other times.....  But I do now.. I will choose to follow the Spirit even when I am led away from all that was familiar into the unknown.... 

learning to live as label free as it gets.....  and that will be part of my next post.....  stay tuned... I am finding the articulation for this step by step.. There is a path where Spirit and truth kiss and life erupts in the most beautiful fashion.. 

There is a convergence .. It is just bigger than ever thought....

 

Know thy enemy: Fear... the multifacted one............Week 4 Comes along to another victory of sorts...

This week the reality of fear took a very interesting twist.

What I find enlightening is when one steps into a journey like this, it ends up taking upon itself a life of its own.  There are things I am already learning about myself, fear and fearlessness that I really never touched before.  Step by step, I am living my day. I am taking new chances. But this week I learned something about fear and myself that has catapulted me ahead.  What was that last week 5 steps forward a proverbial million back.. well, this week definitely made up ground.

So what? What is it?

Human know thy self and to thy own self be true! What?

This week I sat with my journal and for the first time wrote the honest truth of where I would like to be a year from now.  I didn't self edit. (So much more on that in a minute.) I just let myself go.  I let myself go and express.  What do I want? Who do I want to be? What do I want to accomplish? In three months? In six? In nine? Upon this day next year where is that I want to be standing?

Sadly, I learned extreme propriety at an early age. Appropriate manners and appropriate behavior in most circumstances or one was being told where the faux pas happened.  In so many ways I edit my life before I get a chance to live. I have let fear of ridicule, embarrassment, and failure hinder me and my dreams.  I edit myself. I keep my mouth and heart closed. I watch life instead of participate.

I once had to find my voice because it was a matter of life and death.  My life and death...  I once had to find my voice because of things I was seeing were just wrong.  Both occasions were accompanied  by much loss. Again I face in the present a time and season where to find my voice and make choices to speak and act are upon me, again they are being accompanied by great loss.  But still...... This journey, now four weeks in, is changing my life. And it really has only just begun!

Fear is a worthy adversary.  One with so very many different facets.  This week its whispers went something like this:

Who do you think you are to want that..
There are so many people more talented or better than you
Better not let anyone know
Failure is immanent and a given

Statement after statement attempted to land and still I wrote in my journal.

In 3 months, in 6, in 9, in a year.....

When I think back to 3 months ago I was facing down an evening where I was staring at the cost, the child care needs, etc of a three week retreat and thinking; "no way. It won't happen."  Three months later...  Not only did the retreat happen but I stand having finished every post training mentoring requirement. That is three months for you!!! I didn't even know a year ago I was going to be doing yoga, let alone teaching it and meeting people one on one for therapeutic sessions.

With these new victories of what time can hold within its passageways, I stood against the whispers of fear this week and said... I want to write! I want to write and speak and share and find my voice and most importantly empower others to find theirs ... I want to find my way through the Christian/Yoga conversation in a way that is intelligent and articulate and spiritual, I want to find my way through this journey of Spiritual awakening that I am on and not ever go back to any type of dogmatic religious fundamentalism while holding space for all who want to walk their journeys and letting all be where they are and love, serve and enjoy each other....

I want to face each day and get up on my feet and breathe and believe that upon those moments, upon that day, I have what I need to walk out the dreams and desires upon my heart, to meet each obstacle, each fear and to stay the course while also being aware that courses altar themselves and one needs to be flexible.

I want to face times of upheaval and challenges and change with a courage not a bravado. I want to face these times with humility all the while being aware that true humility isn't self-deprecation.  I want to be able to hold my weaknesses and limitations side by side with my strengths and giftings and be OK with each grouping.  I want to be able to hold the detractions that come alongside the accolades that come and remain neutral, grateful for the lessons of each.  I am glad my life is speaking and encouraging those while also realizing it isn't pleasing to many and yet let neither the proverbial stars or mud touch my life, change me or really  matter....

I want to dream without fear and keep dreaming in the light of failure....

Week four has birthed a determination and smile that has coursed through my life at moments bringing new waves of resolve.  I have watched myself for a very long time, self edit.  I edit myself before the truest expression of me can be heard or seen. I have morphed myself into a place to be more pleasing, more appropriate, more aligned to another's vision. I self edit before I would even let myself be aware of what I would want to say... Why?  I was afraid of the cost! I was afraid of what I knew  the losses would be... But here's the interesting thing.  I wish I had been more afraid. But not in the same way.  What did I lose of myself in the process? What dreams went shelved? What words went silent? What tasks went postponed? Self - editing isn't living!  Taking moments to say F&#$ it! I am going to try. Screw that I am going to share from my heart regardless of what happens the second after.  I am more willing to lose X, Y, or Z then I am to lose myself into oblivion.  I must find the way to let go and release the truest expression of who I am and let that soar!  Self edit no more!

Grateful for the whispers and words  from heaven and earth that keep me going....  And that is where I will end.... This journey is teaching me it is OK to be afraid.  It really is ok to admit that I am afraid. I am afraid I will fail. I am afraid I am going to care about something and it won't come to pass, it won't be successful.  But then... what if it does? What if the one next step brings the dream to pass? I won't know if I don't try....

What's worth failing at in your life ?  I would rather try and fail at writing and serving others through the modalities of yoga, spiritual direction, and the  personal articulation through speaking, writing, or leading retreats then not try!  What is worth trying even if you fail? Find that... let yourself admit that and take one step.....

How we should have been taught... Continuing the Conversation and further plans to do so

Ascribe to me not an intentionality that knows that which I am doing.

It is  more liken unto Abraham setting out for a land he knew not, but knowing he had to take the journey.

I am not a systematic writer.
I have not planned out blogs.
I have not learned the way of the 21st blogger successful strategies.
I have tried to become more consistent in my writing but other than that I come to keyboard with or without the inspiration. I place my fingers on the keys. I close my eyes. I open my heart. I hope. 

However there is a push to become more systematic in this arena.  There is a hunger pulsating upon the winds of change.  You.. me, we are walking with it. Maybe being blown forward bit by bit is more like it.  I've finished and am editing and re-editing a book.  The title so far is "The Girl Next Door."  The subtitle is what has got me stumpedt.  Those things get changed over and over again anyway.

The premise of the book is finding your voice and your courage.  It takes me from a childhood riddled with abuse into a young adulthood and an adulthood found walking in ministry.  All that I saw in all those phases and never said a word. All I saw and didn't say, "no," or "you can't treat people like that," or any million phrases that could be said.  I bought into many lies and some for my own temporary benefit. However I've seen the allure of temporary benefit only to feel its immense sting in the ass. The story, my story will be about vibration, the song of life and finding ones own voice.

It is said that when one goes to write, the "why" should be known.  In knowing the "why" of writing there is clarity of purpose and communication.  It is getting clearer and clearer to me, the "why" of my writing. So much so that yesterday as I  was meditating; I  paused and grew in quiet and  I knew it was upon me to overcome natural tendency of my regular flow of writing.  It was upon me to become more systematic in my approach.

I have this friend.  She'll read this and  smile.  A most unlikely friendship we will say. We do say. There are moments we couldn't be more far apart on the way we view things, but the most precious elements of life keep us connected.  What I have realized about this friend is that in her wisdom she will (in kindness not judgement) help me see how others perceive my journey.  We had this really great conversation the other day.  She bore her heart.  She acknowledges it is for me to journey.  She wants me to learn how to bring back the realities of it in a way that empowers more understanding not less. She communicated in a beautiful fashion that I am able bring an articulation to  this path that can be helpful.  She was right. I need to care. I have taken steps. I knew not the way. I knew only the hunger.  It has taken everything for me to journey this way and if in going back I can set out a few bread crumbs to make it easier for the next hungry soul, then that is what I can do.

I can learn a more systematic approach. On the forefront, however, I will say time and time again, this wasn't a planned out journey. It was a bumbling, haphazard, "I sure hope this right, and please stop me if it isn't," kind of journey.  I leaned on the promise of the good shepherd, that he comes after the ones that need Him to bring correction to path.  That is why any of you, who have thought I have diverted, haven't carried the weight of your words. You see I have looked to the Heavens and there is no "shepherd" coming (having left the proverbial 99) to come get me, telling me I have been led astray.  If anything there has been a shove in the fanny that I'm not moving fast enough.

The more I find my articulation. I can feel the courage growing.  It isn't without fear. At times the fear is immense.  I'm working it out.  The beauty and wonder and awe of it is, however found in  the realization of the immense hunger that is in you too.  We are hungry.  Our eyes have seen, our ears are hearing and our hearts are yearning.  We know there is more than the spoon filled, entitlement based religion that we bought into.  We have to admit it served us. It served us or we wouldn't have stayed.  Maybe we were needing to belong so that we "put up" with the behaviors that ran prevalent. Maybe we didn't trust that without the "label," of this or that ministry, church or organization we wouldn't be much on our own.  Maybe it was just enough to be a part of something larger then ourselves that we were willing to undermine our own spiritual growth to listen to the said "expert," though in the depths of our hearts we knew something was off or we knew that we had known ourselves what was being taught.. we just weren't confident to really believe it.  We were fed company line that this DNA or that way of doing things put us ahead.

Did we ever stop to think, ahead of what?

Each other?

The Body of Christ, the fellowship of all believers?

In our spiritual arrogance and pride we dished out milk and left the meat alone or ate it secretly in our closets.  We've gone starving waiting for someone else to teach us, when we negated that in the Holy Spirit we have the greatest counselor and teacher within ourselves.

Maybe it isn't all like what I've written. You see, I refuse to throw the Bride of Christ aka the Church (big C) under the bus.  There are huge political and social issues that we get wrong. There are places where we fuck up more and are so inbred, that  our socially minded counterparts of society show us up daily for being more humanitarian and loving.  There are places, more than naught, that we only confirm Ghandi's words. When asked by E. Stanley Jones how Christianity could come to India, Mr. Ghandi replied; "I would suggest first of all that all of you Christians, missionaries and all begin to live more like Jesus Christ."

I lived a veneer. I want depth.  I have drank milk for far to long, I have heeded the songs of the ancient past that yearn for me to turn towards solid food, to grow and mature.  I am no longer an infant. I am not longer a child. The version of Christian scripture, called The Message, writes it this way; "When I was an infant at my mother’s breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good."

We have watched a whole generation of leaders, let us stay in infancy, as they lived privileged and entitled lives. In our immaturity and fear we have seen behavior and known the man or woman behind the pulpit, seen the behavior in the staff meeting or private lives, bought all the identical clothes as to "be the brand" of a specific church staff team, and so many other horrors.  Have we empowered each other to live lives more congruent with Christ, as He really is, not as the American church would make Him?   Have we risked our own lives and our ministry identities, positions, etc for something more? Are we playing it safe? Are we touting company line because we know it will move us up the chain of command within our specific sect?

There isn't anything I write about that I haven't participated in or seen.  Covering up indiscretion because money needs to be made and books need to be sold and a church needs to be a platform for such things!!!
I'm sorry I never did think that was the heart of Christ for His church, matter of fact I think He once upon toppled tables as He shared His heart about His Father's temple.

We can scream about the proverbial pole of yoga in the eyes of others, but as Christians we need to take a look inward first.  It's time to clean house.  We have created a whole industry that benefits off the backs of widows and orphans. Instead of serving them we have been served by them. Asking them to pledge the little money or time they have so that some immense ministry can build another building.  It is not looking good.  We have grown irrelevant, and there really is nothing irrelevant about who Christ was as a man and as the expression of divinity walking upon the face of the Earth.

I do digress.

I'm going to get systematic about the discussion of Christianity and Yoga.  I find my past within the circles of Christianity that I walked an interesting foundation in which to enter such a conversation.  I was found by Christ through a visitation. I absolutely adore the reality of the Spirit.  I have taught empaths, seers, and revelatory people for decades on how to use their senses to go beyond the physical world and see and feel and know the unseen seeable realm.  This journey isn't new. It is a continuation.  I have taught Christians how to leave religious language aside and find an expression that touches heart beat and truest reality of Spiritual things and places. It isn't really a new walk. It is the way of my life.  I want to make it clear I am not defending yoga.  Yoga needs no defense.

I am willing to help with an articulate and intelligent, spiritual  conversation that has life and depth within it.  There is more that we all have in common then that which separates us, and it is fear and pride that fill any gulf of separation.  I want love.  A strong not patsy love.  A more perfected love that has a light so bright that all darkness and shadow are burned away.  The spirit of religious fundamentalism comes to kill, rob and destroy. It does not bring life.  It cares not what form it comes in either.  Religious fundamentalism steals the very freedom of choice that the Creator imbued humanity with,  it says my way or you are the infidel and are to be feared, taught against, and killed. That is not the heart beat of the Ultimate Divine reality that is found in the Spirit of all things.

There is so much yet to say. This journey will take us a while.  There is no place for accusation here, this is a place for dialogue and conversation.  Step by step we will learn together discernment, growing up in love we will find a pathway to walk upon. There is a place where in maturity we can see and hear and know.. no longer clanging gongs being noise to a world that doesn't want to hear anything we have to say, there will be a city of light upon a hill where life is lived in exemplary love.. there will be a resounding sound full of life and beauty, wonder and love, joy and peace and it will be well................


Is this a Christian worshipping? A yogi doing Sun Salutation? A man? A woman? Can you look at this picture and see beauty and wonder and awe as a human being takes a stance of praise? Can you see similarity and not fear?  This isn't about getting it right or wrong... this is about love!

Once again I visit the Christian/yoga conversation.

I'm a stream of consciousness writer. I get that about myself.  At times within my life I have had great editors. I need great editors.  The reality of stream of consciousness is that I have to be willing to sink into my gut and close my eyes and write.  If I feel inhibited in anyway, the words won't flow.  And right now in life, I want the words to flow.  I want them to flow in a way that brings life and not confusion.  I want peace and not contention. I hunger for understanding and growth as a person and for people I love. However I don't want to settle.  I have tasted and seen the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living and it is amazing!

So I close my eyes and I breathe in deeply and with my writing begin to slowly exhale.

I'm going to make an audacious statement. I make it not to piss you off, but I make it because it is true.  I stand at a place in my life where  I've never known and loved Christ the way I do in these days. I have seen where in my life I was the proverbial pharisee.  I have seen where I stood so precariously on an edge of thinking I was doing all the right things however not knowing nor being known as a person before God.

In these days I have learned to stand and feel strong.  What is that? Having done all stand.  Mountain pose.
In these days I have learned to be like a child and allow myself grace.  What is that? Become like a child. Child's pose.
In these days I have learned to (ok. tried to learn .. this one is hard for me) ground down and grow roots. What is that ? Being rooted in good soil.  Tree pose.
In these days I have learned to see things from a different perspective. What is that? It's a upside down reality of a kingdom where the poor are rich, the weak are strong, etc... Head stand.  Be willing to see from a different perspective.


What has been the path? Well... for me and my life I have found the foundation of spirituality to be in Christ. But as He is not as anyone would attempt to make Him.  There is so much more of God to know.  Having eyes to see I really want to see, having ears that can hear I really want to hear, having been given a heart that can comprehend I want to receive understanding even when it comes in a package different than I ever anticipated.  I think that is how the founder of my faith entered Creation as a human baby, turning the religious world of His time on its head.  I don't think the struggle to understand, receive, and grow as Spirit is leading is a new one. I don't think that opposition to the reality of that leading is a new one either.  I also don't stand having many answers.  I don't. I am on a journey, and the stopping points upon the way are unknown. I have more questions than ever before, and am learning that to live in the place of unknowing can be unsettling at best but it is a great place to stand for personal and spiritual growth.

What I do is  I live with the intention to keep two prayers ever before me... Lord, my God who are you and who am I? (St. Francis of Assisi) and Spirit of the Living God, as it was said of you, to be your task.. please, lead me into all truth.  Those two prayers are my compass, my road map, my orientation....When having begun to pray them over the last couple of years, I would have never (in my wildest imagination) been able to picture the life and love and liberty I touch now.

So yoga? Yes! Yoga.... I stand firm.  Listen, Peter had a vision as he laid upon a roof top and in a moment there was no longer clean and unclean food.  The people of that age struggled over what it meant for a whole other people group to be coming into Spiritual awakening without being circumcised first.  People were coming to life and being made full in Spirit and the religious of the day stood gasping. I can imagine screaming, "wait.. wait." The ways once known were being disrupted.  Spirit was being poured out upon all flesh.

So I go to a yoga studio.  I partake in all aspects. I have never felt more alive or more free within my faith or strong as a person who loves God.  The constraints of a religious life have fallen off of me and I have found and am finding the freedom of Spirit. Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom.  I have found an interior life, that is more resounding with the Christ I said I served for decades, but didn't fully touch. I have left (as much as I can and am trying to do so more) exterior facades of faith for an interior reality that is more faithful to the ways of God.

I have written and please, God, hope to write even more for any spiritual community that can hear and feel Spirit in the words that I hunger to put to paper, (web). I will walk into proverbial samaria and every place it would be said that, "we don't go," because the founder of my faith did just that.  I love people more than I ever have and I meet more of them now that I ever did, I sit with people now without agenda and begin to know them and let them begin to know me...

I am not out to convince anyone that they have to do yoga.  I do believe that as a population we need to understand how to breathe in a way that actually brings life to our bodies. I do believe that bringing movement and breath and practice together helps calm the mind, take every thought captive, and bring forth a mind that is more at peace.  I do believe discernment and not fear is the way of love and life and liberty.

I will end (for now) with a story...

It was a poignant moment for me. Maybe because so many of you have told me I'm going to hell. Oh please.. tongue in cheek there. Although many of you have. I'm smiling and understanding the journey as best as any of us can.

I want you to picture the scene with me; huge meeting tent, torrential down pour of rain, lightening and thunder and speakers that were still plugged into a live source of electricity. I stood with two others as we were attempting to wait out the storm.  The conversation drifted into a place that would open my eyes to reality of spirituality in many traditions.  A portion of the conversation was upon Sanskrit and the pronunciation.

My experience into yoga has been beautiful.  The places I partake in yoga practice are open and flowing. I hadn't nor have I ever encountered a rigidity of thought or practice.  It doesn't mean it isn't out there.  It just has not been my experience. So within the conversation, there was a statement made that there are some within yoga community who the exact pronunciation of words means so much to that to mispronounce a word would send said person, who mispronounced, to hell.  The moment was a "taking in information," moment for me. When one prays to the divine do the words matter? The words matter? Maybe to some but what is what? I did also think for a moment upon how the religious of all traditions sound a like. This way (my way of this way) or hell. Gosh, what options. (We have that in Christendom. For as many YouTube videos anyone can find about yoga and Christianity and what that's all about, there are plenty of videos within the "tribe" Baptists saying Charismatics are going to Hell, Charismatics and Pentecostals saying that  unless one speaks in tongues they are going to hell. I mean.. misstep and its fire and flames for us all I guess.) Ok I soooo got off topic.  But instead of focusing on hell and who is and isn't going there, I want to pour my heart out and love, I want to set my gaze rightly and love and see people for the light that each one is....

Finishing up....  In the midst of the conversation, the most beautiful words would be spoken. It was a remembrance of what was taught to them. Would a mother chastise a toddler for mispronouncing a word? Love triumphs over all.
Isn't that the basis of all true spirituality? Love one another! For the world is so loved!

These aren't my most articulate pieces. They just aren't.  I'm sorting through myself. I'm wanting to walk with love and wisdom. I don't want to be angry or afraid. At the same time resisting the urge to be trite and petty. I'm human. Part of this conversation pisses me off. And I could easily go off on a tirade. I know myself. Except that isn't what my heart really wants.  I understand there is new ground and that this person says this and that person says that and what are you to believe?  I'd say trust and know that asking for bread you will not be given a stone.  If you seek true understanding it will come. Search out and seek for yourself, be open ... I choose to believe that all of us want to have eyes that really see, ears that really hear and hearts that really can ever so slightly comprehend the ways of The Spirit as much as humanity can.

Maybe we can lose the "hell" talk for a while and just talk......... That would be my greatest heart's desire...

Week 4 begins and the score is Mims 2 Fear 1.... When Fear Kicks Back...

I have numerous small ways to walk throughout the day, grasping the minute and attempting to make the moments of each day be what I would like them to be, when that isn't working I have learned micro practices that bring forth adjusts and readjustments.  What do I mean?  I've learned and put into practice hundreds of "tricks" if you will.  Micro practices that don't take much time at all.  I use these micro practices to readjust, realign and live well. 

Breathe
Mantra
Focus
Music
Pictures
Words
Laughter
Looking
Remembrance
Friends
Family
Silence
Stillness

Within each category (and there are more) there rest several practices.

But.. what happens when no tools of the trade are clicking in and the day starts to roll away from me.  Whether it be events that are out of my control or the ability to be in the moment gets shoved away from the past and / or the present pushing inwards.

I've seen up close what happens when trying to change habits and the living of a life.  There are moments full of wonder and awe and bliss.  There are moments full of doubt and steep learning curves and loneliness.

This living experiment has me meeting new people I would have never met, stepping out of comfort zones, and taking lots of personal risk.  There are moments of great reward and there are moments of tears and frustrations.  There are moments where I look down the road and smile huge and think of what the 100th step forward is going to look like and there are moments where I look behind me and my heart lurches for past familiarity and comfort zones.

This past week I kept moving. I kept going. What I would say of this past week, week 3 in this journey, was that fear took a lashing week 1 and week 2 but gave it back big time week 3.  Mims 2 Fear 1 would be the score after this past week of walking out what a year without fear might look like.

 This past week the voice and persona of fear spoke loudly into my ears and into my heart. And I was afraid.  Afraid that too much was changing. Afraid I wouldn't be able to see it all through. Afraid that I didn't have what it took on several fronts.  Aching for familiar groups, people, and places I found myself letting back an old familiar partner in crime.  Fear!  Patterns of behavior that saw me through angst were arising.

Uhm. Hello I'm Mims and I've been "sober" for 150 days... in my case it means without Diet Coke. This week I'm back at day 1.  But I'm back.  Old coping mechanisms whispered "remember me," and "I can make you feel better."  Fear has numerous tactics.  The loneliness of newness was kicking in, the questioning of everything I was doing, the facing of each moment gave way to sorrow over the past and trepidation of the future. 

And.. still I stood. I lost some ground. What is the old adage?  3 steps forward a mile back... Yup, it certainly felt that way.  But then one of those new micro habits  began to kick in.. How are these thoughts serving me?  What about this moment can I control? How would I want to respond? Who do I want to be?  Breathe. Remember....  But then came the champion of the micro habit!  Don't quit? No. It's a good one. But it isn't the champ. Meditate? Helpful but not it either.   So what is? WELCOME!

What?

"Hi, fear .. old friend.  I see you are coming knocking at my door today.  I've used up so much energy trying to push you away.  But I'm not getting anywhere.  I'm going to stop that now.  So, hi. Hi, old friend.  What is it that you want to say to me. What is it you would like me to remember? Oh, that's right the places I have failed in the past. Yup, they did happen.  Ah, the embarrassment. Yes, that sucked.  Oh you are so right.  The loneliness, the way you would have me see 'reality,' thank you. Thank you, fear.  I welcome you in right now.  I stop resisting you. You have things you want to say.  I want to learn from you.  You want me to believe I am limited.  I am limited. You want me to see my past failures. I see them.  You want me to cringe with emotions of loneliness and sorrow, perhaps throw some fatigue in there. Ah, they are there. They are here.  You have things you can and have taught me.  So I receive you as one who can be a tutor.

But I am a different type of pupil now.  Did you win this week? One might say if upon adding the points of a wrestling match you did! But you didn't win by a pin.  You pushed me off the mat more times then I would care to admit.  But now, now.. I stand. I have done all I know to do. And now I pause. Acknowledge your win.  But now, now... I stand.  I have done all I know to do. And now I stand. Fear.. that's what you need to see.. having done all I know to do I still stand. You have come and taught me much. Thank you! Thank you for the lessons of this last week.  You have tested my resolve. You have helped me see I am no coward. So you are welcome and thank you.  I know you will show up again. Just because I say this year is to be lived without fear, doesn't mean you won't lurk around corner and crevice. It does mean that I will meet you at the door and laughing I will say, 'Oh.. hello old friend. It is only you.  Do you want coffee or tea today? Thank you for coming. Having done all I still stand."

Thank your opponents, your "demons" if you will... they lead you in ways that friends and pleasantries will not.  The foe of the soul is sometimes the weirdest of friends.  Strengthening and empowering oneself forward into new and brighter light.

Fear won more points during week 3. But I still got up. I still stood ground. I lost some. I gained some back. I'm growing new muscles.  It will be a year with and without fear.  It will be a year of time being spent learning that when having done all I know to do.. all, those wonderful micro habit practices, sometimes... sometimes the best thing to do is to just stand.

Know for yourself.... Or as Jesus said... "You've heard it be said..."

Those have been the words that have circulated within my heart all week.  I look forward (not really) to writing about the third week of a year without fear.  It will go down as the week that fear began to say, "oh really."  But that is not this post.

"You've heard it be said," those are the words that are recorded as coming from the mouth of Christ.  He took the letter of the law.  For He had spoken it was not to abolish but to be fulfilled.  So He took what they knew and started there... So amazing.  He did that for the lawmakers, the prostitutes, those that would think themselves righteous and those who never dare such a thing.  He met everyone where they were at... Leper colony, women, Samaria... He would go to them.. Not expecting them to come to Him. Though they did.

"You've heard it be said," He would say.  He would then talk about an action.  Murder, adultery, false witness, vengence and the question of who should be loved.  He spoke, "you've heard it be said," meeting each listener in the moment, and then He took it further and further.

It was not to be about action. It was to be about the heart.  It wasn't any longer going to be what you put into the body.  It was what was now going to come out of the heart.  No longer could an external set of behavior "save" a soul.  Now one must see one's own heart and deal with what is seen there by the Divine, who is never blinded nor fooled.

So I got an email talking about a "late, great" somebody. I was being told, that which I already knew. But the person was saying, haven't you heard it be said.  I know many things about a "late, great" human being.  I understand that person's thoughts on many matters.  I have seen first hand some of the wreckage too. Such as that "late, great" somebody's opinion on yoga, on tattoos, on many subjects. I will momentarily refer to a West Wing Episode where Jeb Bartlett addresses such a thing.   I was being told, "you've heard it be said,"  but that was all that they had.. the letter of the law.  Which isn't actually a letter of the law but a person's personal opinion and preference.  What I say back is this... "You've heard it be said."  I will continue however and not just stay there....  You see I don't want you taking the "late, great" one's opinion.. I don't want you taking mine.  I want you to think for yourself.  Understand that spirituality is more about the flow of the heart then anything else.

It isn't what my body does or doesn't do, it isn't what I eat or don't eat, it isn't how I worship or if I worship, it isn't if I do yoga or if I don't.. Yoga isn't ever holy.  I am.  Yoga is a modality that brings together the body, the mind and the spirit in such a way that I find peace and union with self and the Divine.  I am not confused at what that Divine is... and neither is that Divinity confused about what the nature and character of its Divine self is......

When Jesus goes into Samaria.. a place that the Jews of that age would not go.  This is what He eventually says to a woman He meets at a well.  "But an hour is coming, and now is, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth; for such people the Father seeks to be His worshipers."

You've heard it be said!  There and then again in the book of Acts reiterating what the prophetic voice of a Hebrew man named Joel once spoke... Upon all flesh will the Spirit of the Lord be poured out...

I implore you... It matters not to me that which you say about me, my practice, my life and embracing of yoga... It should matter to you.. There was in the times right after the Christ would ascend the question of food. Peter had a vision. Paul would teach.  Meat having been scarified to idols was now no longer the problem. It would be what a person's heart would lead them towards. What a person's conscience could bare up under.  Weaker, was the world used to describe the one who couldn't see that it was just meat.  But the onus was upon the stronger to watch over and not use one's own liberty for gloating or anything like that.

You've heard it be said.. that there is an hour where true worshipers will worship in spirit and in truth. I'm telling you I'm seeing it .. I'm seeing it at a yoga festival with dance and beauty and mantra, and I'm seeing it in the yoga studio with practice and patience and rest.  Worship looks different.. to some it is a hymnal, to others its a rock band, to others still it is silence, and for others it incorporates the body. Some won't think one way is for them. That is ok.  But let's not be as the religious of old and insult and condemn.  Let's find the place of worship where it is in freedom we follow the Spirit of the Lord into love, laughter and life...

Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom not fear....  It did start with "You've heard it be said..." but it didn't stay there... Let's not either!

Part 1: Take the GUR out of Guru and you have U

I've been in the industry for over twenty years. 
I've watched the trends come and go.
I've watched the different men and women of the hour strut across center stage.
I've watched books be sold.
I've watched conferences be attended.
I've watched, created, and marketed webinar after webinar
I've heard the questions be asked
I've been asked the questions

And that list could go on and on........................

And I am here to say after decades in churchianity and the industry of consumer version of christianity, I wanted something different.  In other blog posts I have written about the statement that entered my heart, "The I can't do this anymore," reverberation that was going to change my life.  The return to faith, self and life was to follow. 

When I first read the Sheldon Kopp quote, “The continuing struggle was once described in the following metaphor by a patient who had successfully completed a long course of psychotherapy: 'I came to therapy hoping to receive butter for the bread of life. Instead, at the end, I emerged with a pail of sour milk, a churn, and instructions on how to use them.' (138)”  along with this one; "My only goals as I begin work are to take care of myself and have fun. The patient must provide the motive power of our interaction. It is as if I stand in the doorway of my office, waiting.  The patient enters and makes a lunge at me, a desperate attempt to pull me into the fantasy of taking care of him. I step aside. The patient falls to the floor, disappointed and bewildered. Now he has a change to get up and try something new."  my heart began to sing, shout, roar a very loud YES reverberated deep into my being.


Besides writing about "the I can't do this anymore," season of my life, I have also written about the time when I refused to believe that I, in and of myself, could touch an understanding and not necessarily be taught by another.  When I thought the so-called, "expert" had a corner on the market and that if I listened to him teach the information I would have deeper understanding.  As I shared I got to the end of the third tape (yes, I date myself) only to realize there was nothing on those tapes that I hadn't learned by sitting still and listening to Spirit and waiting upon God.


I have watched decades pass and I have watched you come and spend hundreds and thousands of dollars upon a weekend to learn from, be prayed for and listen to  another man or woman.  What I have rarely seen is the one who will take even 5 free minutes a day and sit still and quiet and cease striving and believe that in so doing there is nothing that man or woman could teach you that you couldn't learn for yourself.  There is a desire for a  drive through spirituality that we can order up and catch on the fly, an experience to be had that will make all things better, a word that could be given that could change your life forever.  I've seen the destruction of such things more than I have seen good fruit.


I have seen the good fruit when the one comes and doesn't come back (or to "another show") every weekend.  When one is willing to sit and ponder and let life and spirit sink in and sink in deeply.  It takes time for a seed to grow into a tree that will bare fruit. But we want the factory manufactured version and wonder why we are spiritually sick.


Friends, for those of you well versed in Christian scriptures it comes as no surprise. At least it shouldn't!  The man, Paul, while writing a letter to the Ephesians speaks about yes, there are some who have been granted certain grace to be teachers or those with revelatory or leadership gifts.  However it is not for them. And it is not for you to stick a straw in them and suck until both you and them are dry.  Any one who has such a thing upon their life is to make sure that they are working themselves out of a job.  It is for the growing up of all, the maturing of all, until there is oneness and wholeness into spiritual maturity.  I'm not making this up! It is written in Chapter 4.  No longer should it ever be acceptable for a "Moses" like character to go alone up the mountain and for the rest of the community to wait until they can be spoon fed pre-digested food. 




So I am telling you... skip the next conference!  Don't spend the $25 on the next book.  Don't buy the CDs, DVDs, or Webinar series.  NOT until you take the GUR out of guru and embrace yourself... sit with you!


Then whatever you go to and whatever you buy.. hopefully it will be a confirmation, a slight add on to that which you already know.  You don't need someone to do the work for you.. it will never work that way.  You need to do the secret growth on your own.  Those speakers.. the ones that are authentic anyway, very small group, SMALLER then you want to know.  Have lived lives in secret upon which their public lives stand..  There is so much crap in all our lives, just because one can stand in front of you with or without help from Holy Spirit doesn't say anything about their lives or spiritual practice.  Trust me......  Sadly, I know way too much.


But so don't think that that person has it all together and you don't. The thought that says if you only go to one more conference, get a word, get prayed for by so and so your life will be different... That isn't where the long term difference comes.... Learn a personal practice.  Find stillness. I can promise you something and it is guaranteed to work. 100%  If you can be still and cease striving, breathe, and sit with yourself, YOU will know God.. YOU will know Spirit... You will find rest for your souls....  There is nothing another can ever really give you until you give yourself the gift of you.


In upcoming posts, I will lay before the stepping stones I have walked upon.... Maybe something will speak to you...   But you won't need me or anyone else for that matter.... You will find yourself and then others come along that walk with you and that you walk with....

But first find the U..

Walking upon the spectrum....

I noticed him immediately.

It was his eyes that drew me into his world.

I recognized the gaze.

It landed on my heart and I smiled.

A precious and amazing little guy, amidst a sea of 50 children.

No one had to tell me about him.  I knew.  I could tell from his eyes that this human being was walking upon the spectrum.

I want to tell you what that look says to me... Maybe more like it I want to tell you what that look doesn't say to me....

It doesn't say to me he isn't focused.
It does make me wonder what it is he is focusing upon.
It doesn't say to me he can't relate.
It does say to me I wonder what he is relating to.
It doesn't say to me something is wrong or broken.
It does say to me here is a magical human being who has loads to teach me.

I get lost in his gaze.... it is beautiful
I get lost in my thoughts wondering about his
I get lost in his world as often as he would get lost in mine

Entering his space
Sitting next to him as close as he will let me
Waiting upon him
Learning to be still and quiet
Learning more by waiting then I ever thought imaginable
Learning joy in simplicity
Holding that minimizing input is a beautiful reality, one that should be practiced by more of us more often...

Waiting
Quiet
Gazing
Wonderment
Awe
Simple Pleasures
Joy


The statement, walking upon the spectrum, entered my heart in a new way this morning.  I thought about the light and color spectrum.  And I wondered.  I wondered about my friends and the individuals and families I love and work with that touch the Autistic spectrum ... It's a wondrous journey full not lacking ...  I looked at pictures of spectrums of light and color. I wondered what are we missing.  I wondered about "normal," and how crazy that word is.... I wondered about labels and corrections.  I wondered what I could learn  from simply sitting more and being in their presence not expecting them to sit and be in mine.  I began to realize in even deeper ways that I have far more to be given then to give.. Far more to learn then to teach...

And I smiled and thought of my young friend and his eyes and I smiled all the more... I finally think I am learning... Yogi Bhajan said to "understand" one must stand under.... That is definitely where I'll be found...It is a beautiful view from there...

Choices...................

Her smile lights up any room I have ever seen her occupy, and commanding a space is what this woman does amazingly well.  This Summer I got to spend a couple weeks with her as we worked towards our 200 hour yoga teacher training certificate.  But it is her story that won't let go of my heart.

I live in a small town.  But still on any given day there are numerous places I can go and do yoga.  The studio I go to is amazing and open to many types of yoga.  I have learned of a variety of forms, through excellent teachers who articulate breath cues, body postures and encouraging words within the framework of each way. Then there are other yoga communities or studios that I could go and check out, and am actually encouraged to do so by my teachers.

I took it for granted.  It didn't feel like a choice. It didn't feel like a luxury.

Then my friend's story, she lives in South Africa.  The yoga program I participated in has a large heart to bring yoga to the people there, all the people there.  It is still a very class/race issue.  There aren't necessarily the choices and opportunities I have.

Not only did her story impact my heart, but I would find other stories as well.

 I heard about how yoga was being brought to individuals with ADD,ADHD, and Autism and their families/support system.  I heard about how yoga was  being brought to incarcerated youth. I found my heart was being awoken to yoga for people who wouldn't necessarily find their way into a yoga studio.  Yoga would have to come to them.

To the homeless
To the veteran
To the elderly
To the sick

 I stay up at night, reading story after story.  It wasn't about any one person being anything in particular. It was about all becoming..  It wasn't about the program. It was about people.

Give a person a mat
Empower some one towards a mind that is more at rest.. more at peace
Teach them that their body is their own and that it can move and breathe and awaken and grow in strength

Relate to each human being as an individual in their own right
Experience the wonder of sharing space and energy
Accept that which a body and mind can do and allow for the wonder of how different we all are
Live.... live each day and each moment for that which it is, with whatever the circumstance.. Life is a gift..

Today... I am grateful
Grateful for choice
Grateful for my mat
Grateful for space

Grateful for a modality that has empowered me to know...
My body and mind and spirit are mine first....
I can breathe.. It might be harder then I ever anticipated but I can really fill myself with breath
I can find stillness and peace and joy and strength and weakness and all at the same time
I can modify when I need to without shame or doubt or fear
I can use supports (bolsters, blocks, straps, blankets... friends, teachers, therapists, family) to help me
I have choice

So for those who don't have the choices I have in life.. whether through life circumstances or whatever events have come their way, I want to open up a door of choice to them. It is hard to feel cornered and not know where and how choice is going to come. It is frightening to want something and not know the path to walk upon.  It is hard to face the world when the way your body or mind is wired is different then whatever agreed upon existing "norm."        

Yoga on and off the mat has taught me more than I could articulate.  It has definitely set me up for choices. For that I am very grateful.

When you don't feel you have any choices left....  breathe, find child's pose (a heart like a child), and breathe some more...  Find where to place your foot and breathe again.