Breathe
Mantra
Focus
Music
Pictures
Words
Laughter
Looking
Remembrance
Friends
Family
Silence
Stillness
Within each category (and there are more) there rest several practices.
But.. what happens when no tools of the trade are clicking in and the day starts to roll away from me. Whether it be events that are out of my control or the ability to be in the moment gets shoved away from the past and / or the present pushing inwards.
I've seen up close what happens when trying to change habits and the living of a life. There are moments full of wonder and awe and bliss. There are moments full of doubt and steep learning curves and loneliness.
This living experiment has me meeting new people I would have never met, stepping out of comfort zones, and taking lots of personal risk. There are moments of great reward and there are moments of tears and frustrations. There are moments where I look down the road and smile huge and think of what the 100th step forward is going to look like and there are moments where I look behind me and my heart lurches for past familiarity and comfort zones.
This past week I kept moving. I kept going. What I would say of this past week, week 3 in this journey, was that fear took a lashing week 1 and week 2 but gave it back big time week 3. Mims 2 Fear 1 would be the score after this past week of walking out what a year without fear might look like.
This past week the voice and persona of fear spoke loudly into my ears and into my heart. And I was afraid. Afraid that too much was changing. Afraid I wouldn't be able to see it all through. Afraid that I didn't have what it took on several fronts. Aching for familiar groups, people, and places I found myself letting back an old familiar partner in crime. Fear! Patterns of behavior that saw me through angst were arising.
Uhm. Hello I'm Mims and I've been "sober" for 150 days... in my case it means without Diet Coke. This week I'm back at day 1. But I'm back. Old coping mechanisms whispered "remember me," and "I can make you feel better." Fear has numerous tactics. The loneliness of newness was kicking in, the questioning of everything I was doing, the facing of each moment gave way to sorrow over the past and trepidation of the future.
And.. still I stood. I lost some ground. What is the old adage? 3 steps forward a mile back... Yup, it certainly felt that way. But then one of those new micro habits began to kick in.. How are these thoughts serving me? What about this moment can I control? How would I want to respond? Who do I want to be? Breathe. Remember.... But then came the champion of the micro habit! Don't quit? No. It's a good one. But it isn't the champ. Meditate? Helpful but not it either. So what is? WELCOME!
What?
"Hi, fear .. old friend. I see you are coming knocking at my door today. I've used up so much energy trying to push you away. But I'm not getting anywhere. I'm going to stop that now. So, hi. Hi, old friend. What is it that you want to say to me. What is it you would like me to remember? Oh, that's right the places I have failed in the past. Yup, they did happen. Ah, the embarrassment. Yes, that sucked. Oh you are so right. The loneliness, the way you would have me see 'reality,' thank you. Thank you, fear. I welcome you in right now. I stop resisting you. You have things you want to say. I want to learn from you. You want me to believe I am limited. I am limited. You want me to see my past failures. I see them. You want me to cringe with emotions of loneliness and sorrow, perhaps throw some fatigue in there. Ah, they are there. They are here. You have things you can and have taught me. So I receive you as one who can be a tutor.
But I am a different type of pupil now. Did you win this week? One might say if upon adding the points of a wrestling match you did! But you didn't win by a pin. You pushed me off the mat more times then I would care to admit. But now, now.. I stand. I have done all I know to do. And now I pause. Acknowledge your win. But now, now... I stand. I have done all I know to do. And now I stand. Fear.. that's what you need to see.. having done all I know to do I still stand. You have come and taught me much. Thank you! Thank you for the lessons of this last week. You have tested my resolve. You have helped me see I am no coward. So you are welcome and thank you. I know you will show up again. Just because I say this year is to be lived without fear, doesn't mean you won't lurk around corner and crevice. It does mean that I will meet you at the door and laughing I will say, 'Oh.. hello old friend. It is only you. Do you want coffee or tea today? Thank you for coming. Having done all I still stand."
Thank your opponents, your "demons" if you will... they lead you in ways that friends and pleasantries will not. The foe of the soul is sometimes the weirdest of friends. Strengthening and empowering oneself forward into new and brighter light.
Fear won more points during week 3. But I still got up. I still stood ground. I lost some. I gained some back. I'm growing new muscles. It will be a year with and without fear. It will be a year of time being spent learning that when having done all I know to do.. all, those wonderful micro habit practices, sometimes... sometimes the best thing to do is to just stand.
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