When religious fear cripples the heart, the life, the breath.. When religious fear suffocates what do you do?

A comment I got today hit home.

A fear of making a religious mistake, was the utterance.

I flashed back to months ago, to a year ago, to a lifetime ago.
I have lived a life time knowing fear all to well...
Those same sentiments filled my heart.
Religious fear.

You know what cured it?

Me, the yoga mat, an Episcopal Priest, some new friends, and the Spirit of the Living God.

Let's just start with what finished that last sentence.  Maybe that's where I should have begun. Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom! Not fear. There is permission not restriction. There is internal change not an external adherence of religious criteria and standards. There is beauty. There is wonder. There is power. There is life. Where the Spirit of the Lord actually is, there is LIFE! Light, joy, peace, kindness, compassion... That is the Spirit of the Lord.

I've lived a life time, decades;  living with  discernment, intuition, knowings. I was taught by others  how to hone that which was within me. I teach others how to understand what is within them. I was shown how to trust that which I felt, saw, heard, knew. I show people how to trust that which is within them and beyond them.

 Beyond any of my training. Beyond any of my education. My favorite teacher has been Holy Spirit. It is the Spirit's job to lead into all truth. Not the role of a man or a woman. Not my role and not yours. To know the Spirit is to know the nature and character of spirit.  The Spirit is whole. Lacking in nothing. Kind and generous and true. Capable and beautiful. If one of Christ's last promises to humanity was that the One who would be sent back to earth had a job to do. That job was to lead into all truth. ALL. Not American, white, heterosexual, name a denomination's preferences for theology, etc...TRUTH.. BUT TRUTH
 The Spirit's job is to lead all of humanity into all truth.  WHAT AN IMMENSE and COMPLEX JOB!  Only suited for the Spirit of the Living God.  Not for me. Not for you.

So how dare we take a whole practice that is 1000s of years old and deem it unworthy, deem it demonic, deem it 100% dangerous regardless of the practitioner.  I won't go into the arrogance of that. Because the reality that keeps me grounded and full of joy and able to hold the tensions and questions that come, is that when Christ appeared on the religious scene the religious were afraid.  He was new. His message tore at their insides. His message compelled humanity to reach higher and beyond human flesh into the heart of divinity and to become higher, and more like the very one who had created them.

 His teachings threatened the status quo of centuries. His teachings brought the religious face to face with God and the religious hated it so much that they killed the very God that had come to save them. His teachings opened up access to the leper, to the woman, to the Samaritan, to the child, to the hurting, to the sick, to those that were deemed untouchable, unclean. God came down and pronounced that there was no human being unclean, unable to touch the hem of the garments of God, none unlovable, none unacceptable.

God came down to earth.  There is no place on earth God wouldn't go.  So ask the questions. Admit your afraid. Admit you don't know. Admit that there are things in the world of spirit and light and liberty and joy that we don't let ourselves touch. AND THAT IS SAD!  Out of fear we call something that is holy and beautiful demonic.  They did, we do.. it hasn't changed.  Religious human beings called the Christ demonic.  Let that set in.  Fear... Fear of change,  fear of being led wrong, lack of control.. FEAR.. fear... fear kills. Fear breaks up friendships and creates 1000s of denominations.  We like what we like and we want to have an us and a them. BUT CHRIST made humanity the US.

It took me and takes me deliberate energy to overcome religious fear.  I was paralyzed. Enter an Episcopal priest who had nothing to lose and nothing to gain from my life.  My religious community had lots to lose.  My religious community had to face that one of them was changing. One of them didn't want to have an "us," a "them." But that man, that priest.. had nothing to lose by being my friend. Nothing to gain because of who my husband was, or who we had been trained by, or any number of things.  (Just as a side note... next time any of you think to ask me what John Paul Jackson would say about yoga realize that I know! I know because I heard him myself, say what he personally felt about yoga. Don't you remember? My husband was on staff. We graduated and taught for the ISD. So of course  I know what JP would say.  Do you want my truest answer? Not polite. Not reverent of the dead. Honoring yes.. I honor that man. You have no idea, how much he changed my life.  BUT GUESS WHAT?!?! He was just a man. AND HE COULD BE WRONG! He was wrong about things. Why? Because he was a man.  No ONE man can lead ALL of humanity into ALL truth, unless that man was God. And while some treated that man like a god! HE WASN'T. We can all be wrong.

So how do we know if we are right? What do we do when fear comes crashing in? What do we do when someone says God is going into Samaria and allowing lepers and women and children to touch Him. What do we do? Do we crucify? Do we kill? Or do we realize that this God is so much bigger, so much more capable, so much more full of love!  What do we do when religious fear comes to suffocate?

Pause.
Breathe.
Remember.
Pause.
Breathe.
Remember.

Call to mind the nature and character of Spirit.

Pause
Breathe
Remember

Allow love to come in... WE all pontificate that perfect love casts out fear. Maybe we can close our mouths for a while and walk it out.... There are utterances all over the place in the culture I have been a part of, desires for the new thing, hunger for more of the Spirit,  need for an "outpouring."  I guess my question is, NO.. I know my question would be when that presence comes if it is on the yoga mat would you scream crucify? Yoga mat.. Samria?  Woman with the issue of blood.. Yogi in white? Tongues... Kundalini?

Religious fear comes and says there is danger because actually there is danger... and religious fear knows it... There is danger because there is power, light, love and liberty.  Religious fear and people recognized Christ and were threatened. Religious fear wanted the source of light and love and liberty dead, so that light and liberty and life would die.  BUT the thing I know about religious fear.. is that if we pause, breathe, remember.. maybe we can touch the hem of the garment of perfect love and cast it out.

That is me.. that is the ME part of my equation.  It was me, a yoga mat, an Episcopal priest, some new friends and the Spirit of the Living God.  It was all of that and so much more. I touched perfect love, I touched a love so true, so real, so magnificent and in its perfection I have begun to cast out fear.... So ask your questions and take your steps BUT don't crucify all over again the one who walked into Samaria...

The essence and heart beat of spiritual direction.....

Read this post to learn about the beauty of the Spiritual Direction/Companioning relationship and how it can grow and benefit your spirit and your life!  Contact Mims Driscoll at  mimsdriscoll@gmail.com for inquiry about setting up an intake session or call 803-554-3552.

Do you know that you know?

Do you know that you can know?

Do you know that which you are already engaged with?

Can you trust yourself?

Can you listen to your heart?

Can you hear the wisdom that already resides inside you?

Can you see your magnificence?

Listen to your heart.

Beyond your beauty.

Sing your song.

When I think of all the modalities I have taken part in, nothing even comes close to that of Spiritual Direction. There are moments I sit back and smile as joy fills out my being. Think of having a companion on the road with you. Someone who listens to your unprocessed thoughts. Someone who hears that which your heart aches to say. Someone who provides a safe, warm space for you to sit with the Holy. Someone who cultivates an atmosphere for and with you that brings presence deeper into the rooms of your life.

Spiritual direction is much more like that companion. The word direction is deceptive. The “director” listens with not just physical ears, but hears with the heart. The “director” mirrors back to you that which you have already said, so you can hear your own words. The “director” is a trusted guest, sitting with you as you sit with the source of life and expression of Spirit that you walk with in your life.

Being a spiritual director and having a spiritual director in my life has opened up pathways of hope and healing. Cultivating and nurturing space and time for another becomes a gift that transcends natural plains and yet empowers a grounding into life and space and time unlike any other “ministry” I have partaken in.

What is the process of spiritual direction?

• I love when spiritual direction is talked about more as spiritual guidance or spiritual friendship. It is an ongoing relationship in which one person (the directee), hungry and desirous of being attentive to his or her own spiritual life, meets with another person (the director) on a regular basis (approximately once or twice a month), specifically for the purpose of becoming more attuned to Spirit's Presence in order to respond more fully to that Presence in all of life.

• The primary focus of the session is the directee's relationship with Spirit as it is reflected and challenged by all aspects of that person's life. Believing in a holistic approach that life, day in and day out, the practical, nitty gritty aspects of life are very spiritual.  So that spiritual direction, while being about prayer and helpful practices, touches all aspects of ones life.

• The directee assumes responsibility for his or her life with Spirit. That me say that again.  This is about you! You taking the responsibility to say that you are hungry spiritually and want to partake in learning how to feed your life, your spirit, your soul! This means that the person coming for direction is trying to be serious about some form of intentional prayer and reflection on the movements of God in everyday life and prayer. During the meeting of which is normally one hour, director and directee seek to enter a prayerful atmosphere where together they can be attentive to the Holy Spirit who is in fact the Real Director.

• The director may  question, challenge, suggest, support, as seems called for by the Spirit, but it is the directee’s prayerful openness to the Sprit that determines whatever insights are uncovered or the course of action that is to be taken. It is assumed that the directee has begun a journey with Spirit long before he or she comes into direction. Also, this intentional journey will continue long after leaving a particular director. The director is only a facilitator in the process. The directee must claim the journey.

To conclude for now, I will use a Henri Nouwen quote:  “A waiting person is a patient person. The word patience means the willingness to stay where we are and live the situation out to the full in the belief that something hidden there will manifest itself to us.” 

In spiritual direction we will wait together upon the presence of Spirit and allow the light and essence of the Holy to infiltrate your body, soul and spirit.

  Contact Mims Driscoll at  mimsdriscoll@gmail.com for inquiry about setting up an intake session or call 803-554-3552.

It was 1991... BUT IT ISN'T ANYMORE! You, Your voice, Your life... Let's Celebrate!

It was 1991, and I was young.  It is 2015, and I'm not so young anymore.

In 1991, I watched as a man stepped into the Spirit and knew things about the attendees of a conference through revelation of Spirit.  I was young and I watched a stunning display of light erupt.  I was young and wanted to be like that man. I was young but something inside me erupted with passion and hunger and desire.  That man had the ticket.  Or did he?

In the years that have passed since that night in 1991, I have watched and seen many a man and a woman step into Spirit and know things and/or operate in magnificent ways.  I've learned the secret.  I will tell you it in just a moment.  In the years that have passed since that night in 1991, I have watched and seen many a man and woman NOT step into the Spirit and not know things and not operate in magnificent ways.  No, it isn't those I have seen do the opposite, while that is true too.

 It's you!

 I've watched for too many years, too many people step back assuming that they aren't as talented or gifted or articulate or whatever.  I've watched for too many years, seen too many conferences, too many books, too many webinars that taut why you need thus and so. I have seen too many beautiful and wonderful and amazing people express their hearts, that if only they could have the gifting of so and so, then (fill in the blank.)  I have watched to many so and sos let the people continue to believe just that.

It isn't how it is meant to be!  We are given teachers and tutors along our pathways of life, so that all of us.. and "us," meaning humanity can grow up into unity and into fellowship with one another.  Instead we market the hell out of those teachers and tutors and exploit your insecurities and play upon them.  We tell you that you need to be told what to believe and do, and sadly because of life circumstances too many of you have believed us.

I want to say something different.

I want to say that there is nothing that anyone of those men and women have that you couldn't.  And they don't have something that you do!  They aren't you!

This isn't a rah rah, big, loud self help talk... I'm not going to be screaming at you that you are all that and more! I won't stand up on a chair and yell at you to believe you are something that your heart can't believe in the moment.  I want to meet you where you are.  I want to sit with you in your doubt and sorrow, confusion or bewilderment.  I want to hear your story. I want to learn why your heart won't allow you to believe that you are a thorough amazement just because you live and breathe.

You don't need me or anyone else to teach you how to operate in the Spirit. You don't need me or anyone else to show you the ins and outs of how Spirit wants to live and move and be with you.  But you might desire a friend, a companion along the way.. for just a little bit of time along your journey.  That's where we can stroll together. That's where I can listen. That's where you can listen to your own voice, your own heart, your own body. That's where you can learn to hear yourself think and feel and know.  That's where you can stand and become and realize and discover the beauty that is you.

I walked within an arena for far too long.  I believed the tag line I was being told. Until this one moment where I heard Spirit say, "Live your Life." I didn't want to live my life. I wanted to jump onto someone else's vision and grow their lives.  I was willing to be suffocated and fit myself into a box I just couldn't fit into, because I didn't value my life.  Spirit wants you and me to value our own lives.  It is a hard journey. There are many messages out there telling you the opposite.  There are many voices out there telling you that you need help, that you can't do, that you should just jump on this other band wagon. And I'm telling you to start living your life. I'm telling you to start trusting your own voice. I'm telling you that you are a you, and that is beautiful and amazing. I'm telling you I want to hear your song arise from whatever ashes or mediocrity that has held you down, and listen to it explode upon the landscape of your life!

I'm Mims Driscoll.  I'm starting Living Mangaliso. Because there are just too many amazing things happening in you that aren't going noticed!

A year without fear... Week 10 begins So what's next....

When I think back, I can't believe it has already been ten weeks.
I must admit not even a quarter of a way into this journey, I am a bit tired. I must admit not even a quarter of a way into the journey, I am more than a bit curious. More than a bit exhilarated. More than a bit still afraid.
There have been weeks fear has been a very worthy adversary, and there have been some weeks in the mix that I have stood in ways I have never seen before.

I honestly didn't know what to hope for, think upon, desire.
I couldn't foresee what would happen.
I just knew that this was a journey that needed to happen. 

So some highlights both personal and professional...

I started a brand! LIKE REALLY...
During yoga teacher training I inquired about a word, and heard back "MANGALISO!"  A word with Zulu origins, it means you are an amazement.
So I let myself dream. I let myself quench the thoughts of "who do you think you are?" And I stepped upon the stairs of an idea and have watched it actually become something!  Facing the fears of failure, humiliation, being embarrassed, the what ifs of if it doesn't work were turned into what ifs this does work? What if I can create something that brings together many streams and modalities of health to empower people into their own amazement, not because they are being told BUT because they really believe it for themselves!  Gosh!!! I had to be willing to at least try!

What other things happened?

I cleaned out the past. Literally a project I had been dreading for over a year was completed in 3 days!  Within two weeks most of the lingering details were taken care of and I'm finishing crossing the last "T" and dotting the last "I."
What was the largest victory of those moments?
I faced not just the project but the emotions that came up. I allowed myself to admit sorrow, frustration, and anger.  I turned to safe places and said, "I can't process this alone, I need help." I let myself  feel and experience an ending. I let myself be vulnerable.

I've journeyed these weeks and months moving step by step ahead and weathering the steps that threw me back a mile or two or three.  I picked myself up, reminded myself of what I am doing and placed one foot back upon the ground and then the other and began to walk again.  OR not. Some days I let myself just sit. I've learned much in silence and quiet. I've met lots of new people. But so very interestingly unexpected, I've been meeting myself.  I've actually been showing up more in my own life. I'm trying to not edit myself or my voice, I'm speaking my truth and living it and that has been amazing!

 I've faced the fears of "what if no one shows up," lived through the times when that happened, and faced the fears of "what if no one shows up," only to then have to face the fears of SHIT, someone showed up, now I've got to too.

I've talked about things that I would rather let lie in some dark, forgotten basement closet, and lived in the reality that sometimes facing dark, forgotten basement closets are just the thing one needs to do. I've gone to more first coffees that have turned into second and third coffees and are becoming friends. I've allowed myself to explore curiosities and found out who I am and who I am not. Having realized that I'm changing, I have faced the things I thought I was, and said good bye.

I'm letting myself have a journey of discovery. An exploration into the unknown. I have laid down what I thought my life was going to be, and am letting it become.  I let go of places I had built up that weren't healthy any more and in so doing lost more than I ever thought imaginable. Except the old adage is true in losing a life so much more is gained.  I white knuckled it in the beginning. Totally white knuckled it.  I had only known one way of living for over twenty years.  It was scary. I didn't know what to expect. It took time. I had people in my life saying that that was ok. It is ok for things to take time. It is ok to walk slowly. It is ok to let becoming be becoming.

There still is much to face...

Launching a new website
Finishing a book
Expanding my yoga teaching and therapy experiences
Getting more training
Meeting more people
Putting myself out there time and time again
Facing lonely times
Facing confusing questions
Sitting with myself
Admitting I am pretty amazing
Showing up to life daily
Loving people who are hard to love
Allowing others to  have their own journey (not being afraid of differences)
Waiting.. Just that Waiting
Dreaming.. Just that never stop dreaming
Admitting when I need help
Being willing to scrap something that isn't working and go back to the proverbial drawing board

SO MUCH TO FACE!!! So much living to be done!

How about you? What are your steps today? We always think big.. website, book, scale the mountain but what is the small first step for you today?  Telling someone how you honestly feel about something? Saying hi to someone you have wanted to meet. Taking a walk by yourself. Shutting off all noise aka phone, computer, etc and sitting in a moment of silence.    What can you do today that brings you further into the life you want to be living?  Maybe facing the reality that you aren't quite there yet? Maybe admitting that you need time, that grief or sorrow or life has knocked you down and you aren't ready to get up yet? You know what is courageous and amazing about that? Letting yourself be ok in that moment! That takes great courage.  We don't give each other enough permission to be with the dark and ugly and unwanted stuff.  Give yourself permission today.  You will step forward.  I know you will. If not today nor tomorrow, a day will come.  For now give yourself permission to be amazing in that you face this day with all that it is or isn't and you breathe.

Facing fear and the giants that come with them and all the details takes time... ten weeks in and the journey has only begun.

Recovering from trauma... You can do this..

What happens when step by step you keep stepping?  Well, some days amazing things happen. But you know what? Some days you step in a pile of shit. It is what you keep doing after that.

There's been this journey I've been on for... well, for a life time! I'm  thinking though that  I've actually just begun to show up. The truth of the matter is I've been learning all along how to show up tiny step by tiny step.  The complexities of life and living are such that we all hope that one day (and fill in the blank). Seriously.. what's the statement you tell yourself ... One day when (and fill in the blank).  That that day will come and all will be resolved. So many make so much money telling us so... But I'm not telling you so.

I'm not here to be the cheerleader and say something like, "THIS IS THE DAY!" Maybe it isn't for you.  Maybe somehow telling yourself "one day when...." (and fill in the blank). serves you some how.  Maybe you aren't ready for the next next step.  That has to be ok.  Hear me.. I'm not mocking here.  So many self-help gurus shouting at us to do this or do that and each one of those things is a magical pill. I'm saying there is no magical pill.  It will eventually take you stepping into life, realizing that maybe some magical "one day," isn't really what is going to happen... But maybe each tiny step leads you to that day when some magical things do happen.  Upon that journey you will take five steps forward and then a day will come when you are thrown a mile back.

That too is ok...  

When we hear statements like "This is your day!" Or any one of the million self help prophecies out there, and there are millions, it gets exhausting and discouraging.  We wait and wait and wait around for something to happen. When nothing spectacular happens we feel like we missed something, lost out on something, or worse.. Did something wrong and so thus and so didn't happen.

I'll tell you a secret. Spectacular things are happening all around you, and while you wait they go unnoticed and unseen and unappreciated.  That the sun rises every day is pretty spectacular. That people find ways to smile in a world that can be pretty harsh most of the time is pretty spectacular. That people face getting up day after day, when the days can be long and hard but something in them just won't let them quit though everything in them wants to.. that's pretty spectacular.

I'll tell you another secret.  There is no winning.  NOT REALLY. Life really is a journey. WE aren't kind to ourselves or each other.  We don't give each other time to let things be sorted out, to let things just happen, to allow for growth and healing and process. We keep unearthing seedlings to look and see if any growth has happened and we end up killing the process and the seedlings.

Recovering from trauma takes time. That might suck and not be what you want to hear. But it is true.  Letting your body, your psyche, your spirit, your emotions, your heart, your mind, your breath heal takes time.  Rushing through it will only cause harm.  Give yourself and others the gift of time. Show up as much as you can today.  Try. Take a breath maybe slightly deeper then you did yesterday. Just think about trying it out.

Time
Rest
Quiet
Stillness

Maybe you have never known calm. Maybe it will take a year for your body to relax within a moment of silence to feel what calm can really feel like. Are you really not going to give yourself a chance?  You can do this.. Step by tiny step. You can give yourself permission to heal.  It is ok, that you can not do today what you thought you needed to.. Now this isn't permission to then not get up off your ass ever... I don't think that is the problem most of the time. Most of the time I think the harshest judge and critic live right inside your heart and mind and that you need to take time to meet them and look at them and hear them and then decide are those really the voices you want to be listening to?

I'm serious.. just ask my therapist. I came to her and on our first day together I said something like this.. "I sit where you do for lots of people.  I can't do it for myself. I make a living out of seeing things and really seeing things and helping people along their paths. I am blind for myself. So I need you to help me see those blind spots. " My expectation was we would meet twice a week for a few months and I'd be good to go.  I was very very wrong.  And at one point, she therapeutically put into my life only seeing each other once a week.  I was on a race with what I do not know. Maybe the demons of the past were chasing my ass down the freeway of life, except nothing was free.

Time was taken from you. If you are healing from trauma then time was stolen from you in one way or another.. don't let it keep be stolen.

I had bought an animal totem of a turtle.. Just a small stone turtle to keep in my hand or a pocket, to hold and remind myself often that life as a turtle has its benefits... But within a month of having that thing I lost it.. Silly me it was too small and I was still going to fast to make sure I had kept it safe.  Next there was a necklace with a turtle on it that I could put around my neck. However it didn't go with everything and I like to accessorize and so it wasn't working.  You know what I did?  I got one tattooed upon my right shoulder. YUP!  A turtle in a bright and pretty blue, reminds me every day to take it slow, take it easy, pace myself and even know it is ok to go into the shell every now and then.  When recovering from trauma it is a given.

You can do this... And doing "this" isn't huge spectacular moves and break throughs. It is showing up as much as you can, when you can, being gracious to yourself, letting yourself have room to breath, giving yourself grace to learn how to live in your body, with your self and in this life.  You can do this... Not because so big self help guru is yelling in your face, but because look at what you have already done!  You can do this... because you can and doing it means doing it the way you can, how you can, when you can ...

Again I will quote some of the most amazing words my therapist ever said to me..

In your time
At your pace
As it should be 

Recovering from Trauma... Finding home and reclaiming our bodies

There are some things, unlike me, that will never get old.

As I approach turning 44, I  am rethinking so very many facets of life and living. This morning I was remembering this one statement, "Live Your Life." Yes, it is a common phrase, but the moment that was circulating within me was the time when it was whispered in my ear three years ago.

I'll never forget that day.  I was walking back to a retreat site. We had yet to move to Virginia but the physical move was pressing inward.  I wouldn't say I was praying. I was walking.  I was feeling more of an oddity than anything else.  Dressed as if I lived in Charlotte walking the back roads of Southwest Virginia.  It became a funny game for me, how many pick up trucks could pass me where the driver looked, looked again and did a second double take.  Oh it wasn't that I was dressed all that fancy. But I certainly felt out of place.

I thought I was going home to something that had been growing for almost a decade and a half.  I thought this country road would literally be bringing me home.  So the moment that that whisper landed so did fury.  It was startling to me. I didn't want to live my life per se. I wanted to live the life that my husband and I had been planning out for almost eighteen months, maybe even 15 years.  I knew something about that whisper was telling me things were going to be different.  I didn't want things to be different, not back then.  Ever so grateful now for whispers on the wind.

I wasn't being brought home to anyone location.
I was being handed my life.
I was being brought home to me, to my body, to my soul, to my spirit... To my life.

This morning I began to grow into a deeper awareness of my body.  Laying quietly in bed, I began to think of this journey that I've been upon.  This journey  into my body.  Again, I will say that in the Christian spheres I have lived in there is almost a criminal lack of understanding or acknowledgement of embodiment. The adjective most used for any talk about the flesh is evil. Legalistic standards of morality suffocate questions let alone any communication concerning living life within the framework of flesh and bone.

I've thought about this post.  I've thought about this post a lot.  The nature of the stories of my life are such that they make fabulous "Testimonies." Stories of  how "God saved me," of how "God healed me," of all the things "God has done."  As long as the language used was appropriate. As long as the story was cleaned up enough so that the horrible parts were shared in G rated environments.  I bought it though.  I thought I was sharing stories that were changing people's lives. In some cases they really were doing just that.  For all of that I am immensely grateful.  But at what cost?  And that has been part of this current journey.  That has even been the journey this morning.

My life isn't food or fodder for the general populace. I am not some robotic "survivor," who has stories to tell. In hindsight that is how much of all those years felt. I used to be able to tell stories of my life to hundreds, and now I can barely get them out within the safety and privacy of a therapists office.  What's the difference?

I've been invited onto a path of reclaiming my life, my body, my emotions.  It matters to me and the people, now walking with me, that I get the time to integrate body, emotion, soul, spirit, life, energy, vibration. It matters that the moments of my life aren't just some "story," or "testimony," to be shared.  They are the moments that I stand on or fall on.

Back to this post. This morning I shockingly came to the place where I was recalling the more recent steps.  It felt organic to come to my laptop. It felt right to come to these keys, close eyes and let a dance of words float from my heart through my arms into my finger tips and upon the screen. I've been given such a gift. I really have.  It isn't a journey that is special and exclusively mine.

My body once was not my own.  Other people's rough hands touched my arms, my  legs, my body. Other people's rage filled voices filled my ears.  Other people's mouths took liberities. I knew too early on in life,  that my body was not my own.  I learned to early in life to regard it as such. No longer was it even a body. No longer was I even a person. I was thing. It was an object. I lived above it. I lived away from it. Never, or as little as possible, residing within the temple that was created to house me. I wouldn't even let myself me a "me."

Sadly that mentality fit very well within ministry circles.  Be aware of spirit, be aware of movement, be aware of what is happening within others and be able to tell them.  I didn't need to be an "I," because we are called to "die to self," anyway.  It mattered not whether we had even developed a "self" to be sacrificed and laid down to a deity of American materialistic consumeristic making, certainly not the character of the Jesus who first wanted a woman to know she wasn't condemned.  In those moments between an adulterous one and the Christ, His heart was first and foremost for her preservation. Before any instruction would come, he ensured all stones were where they needed to be, and all onlookers had vacated the scene.

If we could honor one another in such a spirit.
If we could empower each other back into our bodies, back into our lives.
If we could allow for space, breath, time and privacy for the journey.
If we could... I tell you there would be more stepping upon stones liken to the ones that I have leaped off of..
We would give each other wings to soar.
We would give each other spaces within to explore and the time and gentleness to empower that exploration.
We would empower people to find the home that is them. The home that is their body.

I wasn't coming home to Southwest Virginia, nor was I coming home to anyone set of people. I was coming home to me, to myself, to my life, to my body.  That journey has been awful, painful, debilitating, exhilarating, and so fabulous that there aren't enough words to express the reality of the implosions or the explosions or the quiet being put back together and breathing in simple and serene places.

The me, I am these days smiles a whole lot more than ever
The me, I am these days cries a whole lot more than ever
The me, I am these days shouts and screams a whole lot more than ever
The me, I am these days can sit quietly with the me, I am these days and I wouldn't trade that for all the world.


This series.. Recovering from Trauma  will continue... But before leaving you I want to give you an exercise that was actually one of the very first journeys I took into reclaiming my body.  We will start with hands because they are one of the simplest ones for most people.  Remember your breathe. Remember your body.
Remember you. Wonderful, fantastic, AMAZING you!

Hands

Spread out your fingers in front of you and stretch them out.
Look at them.
Really look at them.
Finger tips.
Nails.
Knuckles
Joints.
Back of hand
Palm
Turn them over and over and allow emotion to arise if there is any
Note even if it is boredom.
These are your hands
Think about what you have done with your hands
Pause
Breathe
Think about what has been done to your hands
Pause
Breathe
Spread out your fingers in front of you and stretch them out.
Look at them.
Really look at them.
Finger tips.
Nails.
Knuckles
Joints.
Back of hand
Palm
Turn them over and over and allow emotion to arise if there is any
Note even if it is boredom.
These are your hands

 Do you like them?
How have they changed?
What do you want to do with them?
What can they do?
What can't they do?
What do they feel like?
Under hot water?
Under cold water?
In front of a flame?
Holding something heavy?
Holding something light?
Holding each of them? (Place hands within each other)
Holding them in prayer position?
Holding them faced open?
Holding them in a fist?
Holding them facing down?
Explore and examine your hands! They are hands! They are your hands!

Recovering from Trauma... Our Breath

It was a sensation unlike anything I had ever felt before.

Something was different in my body.

Even my eye balls felt it.

I couldn't find the words to describe what was happening.

I opened my mouth and said, “I feel airier.”

Lighter

Fuller

Clearer

Who would have guessed it was as simple and profound as finding my breath.

But that is what it was....

I had been practicing yoga for a little over a month. People were commenting upon my posture, my demeanor, my countenance. What I was noticing was my spine. It felt airier. I felt taller. Was I perhaps breathing, really breathing? Was I breathing for the first time in my life? I truly believed so.

And it was magical. It was delightful. I was riding breath into new places. I felt alive. Breath filled out crevices within me that hadn't seen fresh air in decades upon decades. It was amazing. It was exhilarating. It was potent. It was awakening. It was deafening. It was terrifying. It was invigorating. It was horrible. It was alive. I was alive. Breath was entering my body day after day, coursing through my frame and creating new pathways into the very depths of my mind, my soul, my spirit, my body.. ME!

When trauma shows up, breath disappears.

In the very moments that we need breath the most, we close our mouths and out of impulse don't let it in.

Shocking or horrible moment occurs, inhale rises chest, mouth closes, lips press firmly and tightly, eyes grow huge, and we stay there.

Some stay there for decades.

Never exhaling the moment that stole their breath in the first place.

Forever living in the shallow tides of prana, breath.

Prana, is the Sanskrit word for breath, life – giving force.

Hebrew origins of man have clay meet breath as the beginning of all human kind.

With in their stories of the prophets of old, the Hebrews tell of a man named Ezekiel and a valley of dry bones, again breath brings restoration and strength. The Christ would exhale upon the cross and all creation would be affected. People of the Pacific Islands hold stories to be sacred as they are told, expressing the truth that within the story the breath of the people are found.

Breath is the life force of all things, yet I was never taught to breathe.

Oh Mims, who needs to be taught to breathe?

All of us!

All of us, would be my answer.

Hildegard once wrote, “The feather flew, not because of anything in itself, but because the air bore it along. Thus am I, a feather on the breath of God.”

“A feather on the breath of God.” 

What an image! 

To live life within that scope would be quite the adventure.

 How can one get there? 

How does one get there?

It took me a while to realize that all that I was feeling had a great deal to do with the fact that I had ceased to breath from my chest, with slow and shallow gasps of air, and begun to learn to pull breath into my body from the depths within. Breath was flowing in upon the inhales and out upon the exhales. Breath was coursing up and down my frame. Breath was filling out my toes and feet, my calves and my thighs, breath was coming into my torso and filling my lungs. I was expanding. I was riding the breath into new places and new places were opening to receive it.

That was both a delightful experience and a horrible realization.

If we don't think that the very thing that empowered our creation isn't as powerful as all that, then we are fooling ourselves and have lost touch with essential qualities of true life.

Pockets that had lived in dark, dry, suffocated places were being rattled within.

Awoken.

Brutal and beautiful things were taking place within.

A defibrillator of sorts was being introduced to my chest.

Shocking what breath can do!

“Come back to life,” was the song. “Come back to life,” was the invitation.

Events happen. We move on. We try. We keep getting up. We keep telling ourselves we are breathing, although we feel absolutely suffocated.

Pause here...

Let yourself settle...

Do you feel suffocated?

Where?

What does it feel like?

What do you need from breath?

Is it to just start again?

Go deeper?

Let yourself be carried by the breath for a while?

Dearest chest breathing friend, I was one of you and there are days I visit you. Except now I recognize the difference so much quicker. There are moments clarity of thought arrive in ways I never knew. There are moments where life feels richer and more full then ever before. But all of this should come with a disclaimer. Breath is powerful. Breath is potent. Breath will change things. It is not stagnant. It is dynamic. In its arrive, its power to affect all of life, bringing forward life is immense and will call for a response. Please, whatever you do... don't forget to breathe!

In an article in Psychology TomorrowMagazine, the Dr. James Reho does an amazing job exploring faith traditions and the reality of breath. It was some of his first statements that pulled me into the entirety of the article.

He writes, “ Breathing is never really simple. Our breath bears our emotional history and is a playing field for our flirtations with both Eros and Thanatos. While our relationship with our breath is often barely conscious, the quality and form of our breathing enhances and communicates much about our emotional state. As children, we hold our breath to get what we want; breath steals and expresses our will. When we are frightened; we gasp for breath sharply with the upper chest; breath influences and expresses our anxiety level.”

He goes on to say, “At some point, as Western Cultures came more and more to take on the viewpoints of Modern philosophy and the Cartesian paradigm, such practices ceased to make sense. Then as discomfort with embodiment (Sexuality, death, particularity, etc.) came more and more to define the Western mind and spiritual paradigm, such practices became either feared or dismissed and ridiculed.”

It is a fantastic article and well worth the entire read.

For our point here... Let me say, there is much detail and complexity to the healing of trauma. Breath is a vital point of beginning. Learning deeper inhales, and deeper exhales, and moving fresh prana in and around and through your body will bring immense change.

Pause here:
Breath exercise: Three part breath focuses the attention on the present moment, calms and grounds the mind.


This  exercise is often done while seated in a comfortable, cross-legged position, but it is also nice to do while lying on the back, particularly at the beginning of your practice. When you are lying down, you can really feel the breath moving through your body as it makes contact with the floor.
1. Come to lie down on the back with the eyes closed, relaxing the face and the body.
2. Begin by observing the natural inhalation and exhalation of your breath without changing anything. If you find yourself distracted by the activity in your mind, try not to engage in the thoughts. Just notice them and then let them go, bringing your attention back to the inhales and the exhales.
3. Then begin to inhale deeply through the nose.
4. On each inhale, fill the belly up with your breath.

My spine felt airier, my head felt cleaner and clearer and I felt more alive then ever before. Traumas from the past resurfaced as the breath entered, but it is time to clean house. It is hard. But then I cling to the promises of Ezekiel... These dry bones CAN and WILL live again, empowered by breath they come back together and learn how to stand as an exceedingly great army. Because that is what we do! That is what I do! I have learned to stand. Now I am learning to stand and breathe.

Recovering from trauma: Our bodies.....

Welcome to a multi post series.

 One which I have thought quite a bit about.  Recovering from Trauma will touch upon issues that people face as they live in their bodies, with themselves and the realities that they have faced.  These posts will touch upon stories and give examples and exercises in regards to  body and breathe and meditative techniques that will empower us all to live a richer and more full life, overcoming fear and pain and empowering each other towards a deeper wholeness then maybe ever thought possible.

There are so many things we don't talk enough about it.

 In a book entitled The Girl Next Door, I am writing about that very thing.  We live in neighborhoods, next to people; we live and work and walk among each other and pass each other on streets and in buses, in restaurants and malls. Presentation  dictates that which we think about one another.  Exterior vestiges displaying that which we choose to portray to the larger world.

I used to watch people drive around the cul de sacs of the neighborhoods I grew up within.  I used to hear how people wanted to move to this part of town or that part of town, the best schools, etc... I used to watch out of my window, as if I could hear their deepest longings to live upon streets like mine.  Perception of what life is like upon those roads, within those houses.  Perception is as people would make it to be, it isn't reality. 

So much happened in those "perfect," suburban neighborhoods, stacked with perfectly manicured lawns, beautifully painted shutters, and mail boxes lining drive ways measured exactly same width and distance from street and curb.

Perfect.

Perception. Very faulty.....

The stories that I share in The Girl Next Door, are shared to empower people towards knowing that they have a voice and learning how to use it.

How am I going to use my voice this evening?

I want to talk about how yoga, unlike anything else I have experienced, in almost 44 years of living, has empowered me to live and exist in my body. A place, I would rather normally be caught dead in, then ever live fully within.  I've negated my body most my life.

This past weekend I took an amazing Restorative Yoga Teacher Training class.  It reminded me of when I started yoga, when I went for my 200 teacher training, when I would walk for the first times into a studio and lay down upon a mat and begin to a move a body that I had hated all my life.  Somewhat, ok totally not somewhat, actually completely 100% oblivious to my own body and how it can move, how I can live within it, what it can feel.

As a very young child, I became master at disassociated living. I became an expert on how to leave my body, and float above it, living far away from it, completely disconnected from every reality that happened, within or without.  The sad part of that existence,  one at least, was that it became to the degree that it didn't matter whether the events were good or bad. I had conditioned myself to survive. I had taught myself not to feel. I had learned how to negate all sensation.

To that reality I still pretty much existed when I stepped upon the yoga mat back in December 2014.  My body and I are not friends. I am not saying that in ten months my body and I have become BFFs. In some ways I still struggle very much on a daily basis.  I'm almost 44, I am 5'2", I weigh normally around 140ish (can I just say information that I haven't even told my therapist, nor am I willing to go in and stand and be weighed blind) But tonight I have felt the importance upon this post and the ones that will follow.

Yoga is the one modality that is getting my butt in gear towards touching life; within the framework of bones, tendons, tissues etc.  Yoga has been the path that has brought recovery beyond my wildest imagination.  Yoga has put me back into my body; not always and not every time but more then not I have laid, stood, sat upon that mat and been transformed. I have opened up my heart and mind to receive the physical reality of me.  Christianity doesn't talk about the body as much as it should. It talks about the evils of the flesh. It talks about this or that, but it didn't, in my case, ever talk enough about the precious reality of the embodiment of God within Christ and how our bodies are truly temples that hold the Holy.  (Christianity isn't the only world faith that teaches that about our bodies being the temple, and sadly it probably does one of the poorest jobs of doing so.)

So I lived.  During my stay within one organization it was known that the world known leader had his thoughts on people who were heavier. It was image issue. Something he believed reflected upon himself and his organization. Other churches I have known, have their staffs order out of the same catalogs for clothes as to present a look that was and is congruent with what they wanted to be perceived as being.

Why is this relevant to a conversation about trauma and body? Because even in places that need to be safe, messages of image f#%@ with people's heads. F&*%ed with my head. And it shouldn't be so. It re-traumatizes people and it is wrong.

There are enough messages out there about bodies, body types, beauty, small versus large, etc....

Yoga broke that down for me...
Want the low down on my psyche?
Oh I will tell you, you don't...
You really don't but here goes unedited for a few minutes...

Why? Because I have some need to self-reveal to the degree of humiliation?
NO...
Because I am struggling right now in life to even put any food in my body. I negate hunger. I over exercise. I go days without eating and I think that is strength. It isn't strength. It is stupidity. I need to stop. Guess what? I can't. I am not in control of food or body image or what my eyes see or what I feel.

When I first went to yoga and had to see my body in a mirror, the disgust and horror I felt daily was at times beyond me.  I would say to myself, "today I might look hideous, and that won't change tomorrow but soon.. hopefully soon it will."  The fact of the matter is that though lighter in weight now, that feeling didn't go away. Doesn't just go away.

But yesterday I laid upon my mat after a Hot Yoga class followed by a Restorative one. I was so grateful that it was one of my absolute favorite teachers, and I felt safe. I felt so safe with her presence and instruction filling out the studio.  I relaxed into my body during each class. I stretched and breathed, I laid still and allowed breath to find its natural rhythm.  I felt solid within my body. I felt relaxed. And I knew.  I knew that posts like this one and the ones to come had to be written. Unedited. Raw. Real.

It is said that one out of every three girls have known some sort of physical or sexual abuse, and one out of every five boys.  There are lot of people walking around in life devoid of the reality of what it feels like to feel safe within one's own skin.

I know I have a voice and experience to help with that, not as an expert or one who has gained solid victory. But one who is fed up with the messages and lies I tell myself about my body, about me.  Facing fear down these days has opened up the invitation to exist physically within the world.  As I do so, I need yoga. I need a safe place where I can come and move and breathe and be. Yoga puts me into my body. Yoga has been a restorative pathway through which I have entered my body, stayed put more than ever before and lived much more fully then I ever have.. Physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I still have a long ways to go, but step by step I'm moving there. Even upon the weeks where it isn't so much 5 steps forward, its more like 2 miles back. But then I know there's a modality I can touch that will ease me slowly and surely back. I can lay, sit, stand upon my mat in a safe place and feel what it feels like to be a human being within a physical reality.

I want to brag upon the studio I'm a student at, and if you don't think this would be your reality at yours, you need to change.

So one of the ways that verbal cues were given to students who were in stretching poses, such as Warrior II, was to stretch arms out as if you were being pulled apart.  For reasons I won't go into in this post, that verbal cue, literally produced hives and would cause immense ripples within my being. After talking about that reality with my therapist, I went into the studio. I approached the owner. I expressed that I knew I was only one student out of the hundreds that that studio sees, I said that I didn't expect that there would never be another utterance of those verbal cues but that for personal reasons wondered if there were other ways such cues could be given.  Let me tell you, that was pretty early on in my yoga experience.. Basically in December. You want to know something? From that day to this I have never heard those verbal cues ever again, multiple teachers, tons of students and yet upon that day to this day.. I was not only heard but my heart's desires (NEED) was listened to and acted upon.

Talk about safe places!

One component that is very large in my heart in starting Living Mangaliso and Yoga Therapy and my work as a Spiritual Director is to create safe places.. Physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I have been given that in Yoga. I have been given safe places to explore what it can be like to live an amazing life within my body.  I have been taught that one can be free with their body, that I can listen to my body, that I can express myself through my body.  I have been taught and shown and strengthened towards the reality that my body and I can be acquaintances for now and that bit by bit we will grow into a friendship. I have been taught that all of this can happen in its own time, at its own pace as it should have always been.

In posts to come I will share some exercises I have created and others that are just out there to help assist you back into a very full life and friendship with yourself and your body.

For now just begin to notice. Just begin to be real with yourself. How does it feel to be in your body? Where does your breathe land most days? What do you want?

Speak loving kindness and blessings of life into your body. Begin to own that you are a you and you are a beautiful you at that, gifted with a body. You are a precious gift. Learn to be that for yourself and you will live that more fully for yourself first and also with and for others. 

Part one.. A Christian perspective on Kundalini yoga and why I am not afraid

My younger kids wanted to do yoga. There wasn't much in the area. I googled searched a lot.  I found a program that would teach me how to teach my kids yoga. That was my plan. What I didn't know was that the program and its founder were experts in the field and recognized as such. What I didn't know the first time I looked at their page, was that I wasn't just going to be doing their weekend training but that doors would be open to participate in their whole retreat.  Nothing was planned out, it all just was happening.  There was something mentioned about Kundalini Yoga. What I didn't understand was what Kundalini yoga was, had rarely done Breathe of Fire or Joy and hadn't practiced Kundalini once before heading to be trained in it.

It all just happened. It was all rolling out.
Once I had even the slightest inclination of what Kundalini was, I was laughing inside and out.

Twenty five years prior I had had a spiritual experience that introduced me to the Divine man of Jesus.  I lived for about six months afterwards without any official Christian community, but continued to have experience after experience. Presence filled my days. I was aware of the Divine. I was aware of Christ. I was being brought forth into health in ways I never anticipated.  Within six months I would be accepted into a Christian college though I had had no idea of how to fill out their application, because of their religious jargon.  I didn't know one could have a "relationship with God," so when asked that question in an essay, I simply answer, "I didn't." Then I told them the stories of what was happening to me.

Upon acceptance and arrival, I would be brought to more traditional expressions on Sunday mornings.  Until a group of friends I had made grabbed me by the arm one Sunday and said that I was going with them.  I had never heard terms about denominations, charismatic, spirit filled etc.  Not until I was in a service and spirit and light and energy was being expressed.

So upon arriving at my training and experiencing everything that was happening around me, it felt familiar.  I want to say that again.  It felt familiar. Because it was... and everything in you that trusted me to be a discerning leader before my yoga training was operating and looking and watching and feeling it all out.  And I will tell you this.................Everything I had learned over 25 years was present. And my teachers taught me some of the exact things I had learned during my years in the Institute for Spiritual Development.  They taught me what I focus on I empower, They taught me that I was a spiritual being having a human experience, they taught me the principles of water and water molecules and what we speak over ourselves and how we should bless our lives and the lives around us.  Sound familiar?

There was nothing I hadn't first learned back in the late 90s that wasn't being talked about; light, color, spirit, energy!

But then came your questions.  Just even the term "kundalini," sent you running in fear and accusing with judgement.  Hhhhhmmmmm kinda like the word "charismatic" does in certain other circles. Regardless of what group is around.. most people want an "us" and a "them."  A propensity for rigidity instead of understanding and true discernment creates wide divides.

Questions asking if I was aware about this or that with Kundalini and its origins arose time and time again.
I drew away and paused and sought an articulate answer. I wanted to know what I thought about it, not even what I had been taught per se... BUT WHAT I HAD LEARNED! What had I learned through my teachers. What had I seen... What had I experienced.

I experienced wise women and men who knew how to move their bodies and touch breathe and flow of light and color and energy.  Just like I had had twenty years ago within other communities.

Then a picture and a remembrance.  I remember going to Scotland and needing adapters for the electric circuits.  Then lots of other remembrances that I will get to in a minute.  I had a $100.00 hair straightener. I had the adapter. I didn't plug the adapter in right and my $100.00 hair straightener was blown and was never going to be used again.

Energy, spirit, light are powerful. When not used correctly they can be very destructive. I'm not talking hair straighteners nor am I talking yoga here...

I had spent 20 plus years in Charismatic, Non denominational organizations and churches as a leader, pastoring, church planting, leading and helping to lead large and small organizations, events, meetings.

So now when I am asked about Kundalini yoga and energy and if I'm concerned or worried, you know what my response is? Not anymore then I would be within the church.  And my answer continues.  With discernment it isn't the energy or Spirit that is the problem or the danger.  I've seen beautiful things throughout the years within the Church and I've seen beautiful things this last Summer and year within Yoga Studios.

 I've seen such immense harm and horror done in the name of Spirit and Light within the church, that nothing outside could even compare.  I've seen jealousy and envy run rampant and destroy a community, marriages, and lives.  I've seen lack of fidelity cripple individuals and large communities. I've watched as people so hungry for a spiritual gift, or experience do insane things to acquire them.  I've watched many a gong be played out instead of love spill out.  And I grieve. I have watched people who wanted Holy Spirit and spiritual expressions and gifts go crazy, (not kundalini yogis here... Christians pursuing spirit over love, gifting over interior change, just living in  exterior character conformity to religious expression instead of real life changing interior movement.) I've seen the destructive nature of people pursuing spiritual things, so I do know what I am talking about here...  Without discernment and right motivations, all Spirit and light become dangerous, dark and twisty and messy very quickly.

And so when you ask me if I am worried about Kundalini yoga, my answer will never be about Kundalini yoga.  I am worried that people misuse power, spirit, light and energy for their own personal gain and benefit.  I've watched leaders cripple people standing in a place of power, privilege and posturing instead of equipping the all, the many.. they allowed the many to suck off their tit, empowering ego and weakening lives.People, whether they are Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Yogi.. whatever, people will be people. There is always that gold ring that needs one liken to a hobbit to carry.

It isn't about Kundalini. It is about humanity.  It is can we live the spiritual life we are created to in love and service without selfish ambition or gain.

Yoga has taught me that my practice is my practice. Yoga has taught me to listen to my body. Yoga has taught me to be respectful of spirit not just character but internal, emotional intelligence and life force within.  Yoga has taught me through the power of Holy Spirit that one can stand strong or weak, breathing and moving and appreciating the presence of light and energy, being aware of what it is and knowing that it is meant for life not harm.

I've watched people think they were loved less by God because they didn't walk in this or that, and I've watched leaders let them.  I've watched yoga instructors, trainers and owners come to the mat and empower students as they live their lives as students as well.  The yoga community hasn't harmed my being or heart or life, it has pieced it back together, taught me immense truths and lived out practical kindness time after time after time.

So no... I am not afraid of Kundalini yoga.  I am concerned that without discernment and understanding people act in fear in many situations, make false judgements, and seek to manipulate the beautiful gifts that exist within Spirit and Creation.  Ego and lack of knowledge is what causes one to perish, not Kundalini Yoga.....