What happens when step by step you keep stepping? Well, some days amazing things happen. But you know what? Some days you step in a pile of shit. It is what you keep doing after that.
There's been this journey I've been on for... well, for a life time! I'm thinking though that I've actually just begun to show up. The truth of the matter is I've been learning all along how to show up tiny step by tiny step. The complexities of life and living are such that we all hope that one day (and fill in the blank). Seriously.. what's the statement you tell yourself ... One day when (and fill in the blank). That that day will come and all will be resolved. So many make so much money telling us so... But I'm not telling you so.
I'm not here to be the cheerleader and say something like, "THIS IS THE DAY!" Maybe it isn't for you. Maybe somehow telling yourself "one day when...." (and fill in the blank). serves you some how. Maybe you aren't ready for the next next step. That has to be ok. Hear me.. I'm not mocking here. So many self-help gurus shouting at us to do this or do that and each one of those things is a magical pill. I'm saying there is no magical pill. It will eventually take you stepping into life, realizing that maybe some magical "one day," isn't really what is going to happen... But maybe each tiny step leads you to that day when some magical things do happen. Upon that journey you will take five steps forward and then a day will come when you are thrown a mile back.
That too is ok...
When we hear statements like "This is your day!" Or any one of the million self help prophecies out there, and there are millions, it gets exhausting and discouraging. We wait and wait and wait around for something to happen. When nothing spectacular happens we feel like we missed something, lost out on something, or worse.. Did something wrong and so thus and so didn't happen.
I'll tell you a secret. Spectacular things are happening all around you, and while you wait they go unnoticed and unseen and unappreciated. That the sun rises every day is pretty spectacular. That people find ways to smile in a world that can be pretty harsh most of the time is pretty spectacular. That people face getting up day after day, when the days can be long and hard but something in them just won't let them quit though everything in them wants to.. that's pretty spectacular.
I'll tell you another secret. There is no winning. NOT REALLY. Life really is a journey. WE aren't kind to ourselves or each other. We don't give each other time to let things be sorted out, to let things just happen, to allow for growth and healing and process. We keep unearthing seedlings to look and see if any growth has happened and we end up killing the process and the seedlings.
Recovering from trauma takes time. That might suck and not be what you want to hear. But it is true. Letting your body, your psyche, your spirit, your emotions, your heart, your mind, your breath heal takes time. Rushing through it will only cause harm. Give yourself and others the gift of time. Show up as much as you can today. Try. Take a breath maybe slightly deeper then you did yesterday. Just think about trying it out.
Time
Rest
Quiet
Stillness
Maybe you have never known calm. Maybe it will take a year for your body to relax within a moment of silence to feel what calm can really feel like. Are you really not going to give yourself a chance? You can do this.. Step by tiny step. You can give yourself permission to heal. It is ok, that you can not do today what you thought you needed to.. Now this isn't permission to then not get up off your ass ever... I don't think that is the problem most of the time. Most of the time I think the harshest judge and critic live right inside your heart and mind and that you need to take time to meet them and look at them and hear them and then decide are those really the voices you want to be listening to?
I'm serious.. just ask my therapist. I came to her and on our first day together I said something like this.. "I sit where you do for lots of people. I can't do it for myself. I make a living out of seeing things and really seeing things and helping people along their paths. I am blind for myself. So I need you to help me see those blind spots. " My expectation was we would meet twice a week for a few months and I'd be good to go. I was very very wrong. And at one point, she therapeutically put into my life only seeing each other once a week. I was on a race with what I do not know. Maybe the demons of the past were chasing my ass down the freeway of life, except nothing was free.
Time was taken from you. If you are healing from trauma then time was stolen from you in one way or another.. don't let it keep be stolen.
I had bought an animal totem of a turtle.. Just a small stone turtle to keep in my hand or a pocket, to hold and remind myself often that life as a turtle has its benefits... But within a month of having that thing I lost it.. Silly me it was too small and I was still going to fast to make sure I had kept it safe. Next there was a necklace with a turtle on it that I could put around my neck. However it didn't go with everything and I like to accessorize and so it wasn't working. You know what I did? I got one tattooed upon my right shoulder. YUP! A turtle in a bright and pretty blue, reminds me every day to take it slow, take it easy, pace myself and even know it is ok to go into the shell every now and then. When recovering from trauma it is a given.
You can do this... And doing "this" isn't huge spectacular moves and break throughs. It is showing up as much as you can, when you can, being gracious to yourself, letting yourself have room to breath, giving yourself grace to learn how to live in your body, with your self and in this life. You can do this... Not because so big self help guru is yelling in your face, but because look at what you have already done! You can do this... because you can and doing it means doing it the way you can, how you can, when you can ...
Again I will quote some of the most amazing words my therapist ever said to me..
In your time
At your pace
As it should be
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