Ahimsa... A question on a test birthed the question of a lifetime...

I quickly scanned question after question. I let  myself get a feel for what was before me, one test and a couple more assignments and my 200 hour yoga teacher certificate would be a reality.  My thoughts were so small. They were too small. They were about to be enlarged.  It would cease to be a test, a certificate, a "job opportunity," and it would be become a new starting point for life, for living.


There was this one question on the concept of ahimsa.  Easy enough. Right? No twelve part question upon that subject.  Just two sections presented.  Describe the concept and three ways you apply it to your life.  Pause. There was no yellow blinking light for caution or proceed slowly.  But I can't tell just yet if it was a green light or a red one.  There was most certainly both a definitive stop and a most elaborate go.

How do I apply ahimsa to my life?

First.. There is a simple definition that is anything
 but simple in its application.

A Sanskrit word; it means, cause no injury, do no harm, compassion.  D. Djenab, in an article on the subject, communicates it this way; "The essence of ahimsa is non-violence of our own heart."  When I read those words, answering the question of how I put this beautiful concept into reality became that much harder.  Oh, could I write about how I care about my animals, my home, the environment, others? Yes.  But I knew that this question upon this test was alive and speaking directly at me.

Answer it honestly, Mims Driscoll.  That was what the test was saying to me.  "Answer it honestly."  I was going to have to move forward and answer other questions.  Because the truest answer that at that moment that would have been written down was, "I don't."

I don't practice non-violence when it comes to self.  The foreign nature of the actual word, matched the foreign nature of the application to self.

My words, attitudes, thoughts if ever geared towards another would be hideous BUT towards self I allowed them.  If I, overhearing another ever speak to one as I often spoke to self, my mothering instincts, liken unto a bear, would be furious.  But not so towards myself.  Not so towards self-hatred, or criticism geared at how I did something or spoke something or wrote something.  A critical and judgmental stance towards myself was eating my heart alive, empowering fear and limiting my life in extreme ways.

The ricocheting of the question would touch and kiss another question that would be presented to me, "How does having that thought serve you?"  Within a recent conversation, I would be asked that question point blank.  How do thoughts that are destructive/violent in nature serve me?  What would it be like to pause, stop and then go?

What if I paused and captured the thought and called it intrusive instead of true?
What if I stopped and rerouted the train of thought onto another path that was exiting self not making a home at the station of my life?
What if I went ahead with a different thought?
What if the what ifs weren't of  catastrophe and disaster but what if the what ifs I let reside within me were of hope, light, life and dreams?
What if failure wasn't so scary? What if I could touch missing a mark as an opportunity to learn and not an indictment upon myself?
What would I then do?
What would I then be?

That traffic light I mentioned in the beginning..

It actually was all three colors...


Yellow--- Slow down enough to actually take account of what you are saying to yourself.  Slow down enough to actually realize how cruel to self we all can actually be.  Slow down enough to know that acquiring one more "whatever," at the expense of self and soul will never be worth it.

Red--- Stop! For me I was carrying on patterns that I hadn't even started.  I had allowed. But I was letting the thoughts and opinions of others dictate false truths. I was allowing fear to limit and constrict. I wasn't releasing myself to life's fullness because I was letting detrimental thoughts towards self and about self be true. I was believing all sorts of lies about myself.  What I realized is that they did serve a purpose though.  It was upon allowing that drop of water to touch a dry sponge like heart, that will begin a new flow.

Stop!  If I think that of myself (fill in the blank) it won't hurt so much if another thinks that too.  If I think that because of (fill in the blank) that I can't do thus and so, then when I can't or if I fail.. well, I knew all along I couldn't.  Having negative, violent thoughts about ourselves do serve us! In a limiting and horrifying way. But why else would we keep them around?

Green--- GO!!!! Go for it!!!! Live!!!  It doesn't mean there isn't fear or thoughts or doubts... It just means that the desire to GO and  to LIVE get to override those fears.  It means that the one step forward towards (fill in the blank for yourself) is taken. It means the thoughts and doubts don't override the decision to take the first step. It means you let the first step be the first step.  A first "hello," of sorts.  A first class, a first shared smile, a first meeting, a first try.... It means you keep going even if the first was hard or bad or you realized maybe that first isn't the first you want to have.

I don't know what your "gos" are going to be like but I can say my recent "first steps," my recent "GOs" have been amazing.  I have met new people, done new things, followed new passions, changed self thoughts and yes, I have begun to touch, taste, try ahimsa.....

I like how it fits on me.
I like how I smile more now.
I like that when the "gremlins" of thought come (as they always will) I have new abilities that are growing stronger and stronger to silence them.
I like how the days hold promise, challenge, struggle, victory, defeat and a dusting off and a getting up and a heart that says I am trying again.

So how are the ways I am practicing ahimsa... That answer causes not just a smile to spread across my face but to fill out my heart.