Faith is an interesting world. What do they say? Within conversation avoid politics, finances, and religion. Since both my life and the life of my husband had us fully immersed in the religious world of ministry, for over two decades, that was often an interesting enterprise.
I know not really what to say tonight.
So why then write? Why not wait. Sometimes I trust the ambiguity more than the knowing. At least I've been trying to.. There is a vulnerability touching my heart tonight that rarely does so... Really I know there are those of you who will not believe that I don't write from that place always... But please hear me... I don't...
Tonight, a willingness born forth from a day of holding a question close to my heart has arisen, and I will journey here though I know not to where... (That is not new in this season). This morning I was asked a question. And it has rattled in my heart all day.
It wasn't the first time this type of question has crossed my message box, email, text
I am sure it won't be the last
I know that months ago when questions such as this one would cross my life, my heart would lurch. I would close my eyes. I would receive such questions into my gut. I would let them take my breathe away.
Life becomes an interesting dance when one has lived in public view.
It becomes an interesting life when one who has lived in public view begins to change.
There is so much I could say here, oh so many things. So many things I now know better than to say, for I am not desiring to be cynical nor sarcastic, both of those giants struck a long time ago and neither are pretty. Neither hold life. Dear seeker... Learn when silence is the most beautiful sound. Grow in understanding that opinion and personal experience are just that. Allow others their search. Fight the giants of fear. Live open. Live the questions. Allow hope and joy and smiles to reign more fully than anger, self - righteousness, and cowardice.
Dear seekers, admit more often that you might not know all that you think you do. Be willing to not fit into anyone's boxes, maybe not even your own. This is a hard one. For one who was a teacher, a speaker; for me, who was the person, to be asked questions and whose answers were taken for truth, for me, who was a go to person, to become a student, to touch the "I don't knows," to embrace time and the way it moves and leave places of expertise was lethal. It often always will be..Letting go of familiar terrain and the known path is hard. But the things that die aren't allows bad, hard, but not bad. Once again being the student can be a wonderful thing. Beginners Mind will always be something now that I cherish.
Here's another Dear Seeker moment.... You don't have to crush all the boxes and certainly not at once. Some places are to always remain. I do believe I have been diligent to not throw proverbial baby out with the bathwater... That is always a bad idea. Dear Seeker, know your own Achilles heel. And when others say that you might only believe what you are believing in the moment out of pain, past, or personality, thank that person. Don't bite the messenger's head off... Being willing to acknowledge that growth comes from pain, and we look for new answers often when problems arise with the ones we once held so true, it isn't such a wrong thing to acknowledge that pain caused your growth and your search.
Dear Seeker... As Teilhard would say,
"And so I think it is with you;
your ideas mature gradually—let them grow,
let them shape themselves, without undue haste.
Don’t try to force them on,
as though you could be today what time
acting on your own good will)
will make of you tomorrow."
Take the time. As one who so desperately wanted to force all of the tomorrows to come (forget today) yesterday. Dear Seeker, breathe... breathe deeply.. Time is a gift. Really. It might rarely feel that way, but time is a gift. It is actually your friend. It actually has so many lessons it teaches. So many. And that brings me to this.......
Today was different... It was different.
It was different because I am different.
The gift of this question showed me so much.
Dear Seeker, celebrate such moments. Smile. Run out your front door and smile at the sun, the clouds, the rain. Celebrate moments where you get to witness change. Celebrate those moments, where you realize that time has made a difference, qualities and traits you once wanted to have arrived and traits you wanted to let go of have some how vanished. (at least for the moment.)
I am different and while I know there are those who would want me to emphasize my role in this journey, and dear seeker, do not down play this place... that I have sought.You have sought. That I have held questions. You have held questions. That I have walked. That you have walked and asked. That I have asked. More than anything you and I just haven't quit. And while I can acknowledge that it has been in showing up and walking forward that I have worked and sought and struggled, me being me must thank the light posts that have stood as beacons to my heart.
Dear seeker... Gratitude will always always always be a most trustworthy guide. Be not arrogant in your search nor in your knowing. One day you might find out that all you held onto so tightly was actually constricting and suffocating you. Be grateful to have new eyes. Be grateful for the opportunity that is presenting itself.
Dear seeker.. Your journey won't be mine and mine is not yours. But there are those light posts in life that are worth looking at and acknowledging that the light coming forth from said beacon can be trusted.. can be true. Light posts often do appear in the strangest and most wonderful of places if one is seeking.
Those beacons have included...
Christians
Buddhists
Muslims
Hindus
Sufis
Friends
Strangers
Family
Priests
Professionals
Detractors
Be not be afraid to find light in another, differences might not seem so different after all....... I am very clear about that.
Dear seeker... I wasn't a seeker for a very long time. I was a settler. I had settled. I had found a place where I was content. In that place I grew. I put down roots and I allowed branches to soar up high. I also allowed fences to grow. When my kids were young they needed fences. Now that some are older they need not the same. Learn when fences become walls. Also know fences are a great boundary setting tool. Don't negate all fences. Dear Seeker.. Settling isn't always settling. Learn wisdom and discernment and learn the difference. It is not necessarily a place of ignorance to choose a table and sup there, and enjoy the sustenance. Just try new foods as well. Pema Chodron will state stick to your boat.
So while the question that was asked of me this morning really has very little weight upon the journey of this post.... and I've wondered if I would even share the exact nature of the words. I was not sure they would have a place.
I know not the woman that asked it.
But I know in my heart and fully believe she was earnest.
Dear Seeker - Don't presume to know another's heart and journey. It is ok for others to have questions and to question your searching. Some of those that will risk doing so are actually the most courageous.
We chose to live a public life. I acknowledge that. I lived a very specific way for a very long time. It is ok for those who have walked with me and known of me or known me to ask the questions upon their hearts.
I've learned I owe no answers. Kindness though expresses itself when lack of understanding seeks. I have had so many be so kind to me and answer so very many of my questions or not. Dear Seeker - Sometimes the wisest among those lamp stands won't answer your questions. They are a most precious and rare breed. They do you the greatest honor. They let you grow into knowing that maybe you actually did know something all along. Those same people know great discernment and at times will also either light up a specific way or speak in suggestions. Be willing to listen. Listen to when they won't answer and listen to the answers they will give.
Today has had me thinking upon Rumi and his quote; "
“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”
The spheres of life grow and recede.
The Hebrew books of wisdom tell us there is a time and a season for all things.
My personal journey comes in and out of view. I am trying to touch what my life and my journey and Spirit say about such things. I don't know the answers...
The question I was asked this morning.....
What did you do with the Jesus in your life?
Dear Seeker - Be not offended when others can't see your journey. And trust that maybe in their doubt or in their question there is actually something for you to touch... Grant space. Step two feet away. Allow it not to be personal. Allow others their questions and their search.
Dear Seeker - There are a few things you just can't get wrong...
Love
Patience
Kindness
Generosity
Gratitude
To only name a few....................
I need not ever be right. I might always be wrong. I desire to not live afraid.
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