I think the thing about me that I am discovering is that I have seen the detrimental affects of being silent and not speaking or using my voice. And these are real issues. Real issues often need a frame work for discussion. Full of love, respect, kindness, gentleness and listening ears more than speaking mouths. I am not being flippant or coy with people's hearts or understanding of how they perceive faith, life and yoga.
We must all journey with the understanding that we currently possess. So whether you do yoga and are a Christian, or do yoga and aren't a Christian or only do Holy Yoga or think yoga well is somehow harmful... I want to say Namaste. I want to say that that which is light and truth and life and beauty in me recognizes, honors, cherishes that which is light and truth and life and beauty in you. Sat nam, you are seen. That which comprises the most essential you that you are is that which I see as the expression of your life. I respect your journey. It is yours to have.
For anyone who knows me, really knows me... My passion for and love of the Spirit and the life with influences from sensory input from the unseen is at the core of my very being. I see the world through the lens of an Empath, an intuitive human being, a contemplative Christian, a Seer. Pick whatever word your tradition affords you an understanding,
I look and watch and wait upon Spirit, light and wonder to lead and guide me through my days. It is the way I am intrinsically wired. I see people more as light then of flesh at times. Living with my senses wide open and receptive is like breathing, it happens whether I am mindful of it or not. I do not struggle with nor deny the existence of Spirit or the unseen seen. It is that it just is within my frame of reference and world view.
I have a barometer of sorts that I use to align myself to the day, because I am not one who is looking to live a hyper esoteric life. It becomes a specialty of mine, within my spiritual direction practice, to work with Empaths, Christian intuitive contemplative types, and people of all different faiths; and walk with them as they discover how to be wired the way they are while also being grounded upon the Earth. Personally if there needs to be a label for understanding or "boxing" in, I would say I live with a contemplative Christian framework that has a lot of nuances to it. Ever hear the good ole Texas song, Don't fence me in. That might be my motto for spirituality these days.
Ok... slight background given. Back to the post.
My email or message box are full of two types of correspondences these days. First, seemingly there are Christians coming out of the closet. Not the one you might be thinking of (that's a different topic for a different day.) This closet is the yoga studio. I remember the day I stared at Facebook and could feel that my yoga practice was no longer just going to be mine. I could feel it in my bones. I knew the choice. I actually did understand the can of worms I was opening.
Yoga had been changing my life, healing my soul, restoring my body... me, being me and my life being what it is.. felt the time to share was upon me. Instantly the two fold response was in play. There was no middle ground I was either going straight to hell and being damned for leading the faithful astray or there was a huge sigh of relief from closeted yogis who would profess to love Christ. In those moments I am not sure which reaction bore grief more upon my heart. There was also many an opportunity to learn to not fuel into flame an anger and hostility to the faith that I had served for over two decades. It was quite the tight rope for my heart to walk and who I am joking, at times can very much still be...
There isn't an argument I haven't heard and many a well wisher was now inviting me to "coffee", whether in person or online, to help this backslidden, fallen away "sister" get things right.
What they couldn't hear and I couldn't say cleanly back then was this... Christ and Spirit and Breath and Light and Love were meeting more on the yoga mat in the yoga studio day after day then I had found in the physical church building for months, maybe years.What I couldn't share cleanly back then, because my heart wasn't in the right place (I was hurt and angry and frustrated with the fear and religious smallness that was anything but Christ like), was that the Spirit of the Lord was meeting me day after day on the yoga mat in the yoga studio as I spoke Sanskrit words and prayers; speaking that as my Lord and Savior He would decide where and when He would meet me. It has never really been about a building.
The day I will never forget was a day at a restorative yoga class. It is what I affectionately call my "lie on a bolster and breathe," class. I was in a reclining position. Leaning back upon bolsters. When all that I know to be of God and the voice in which I am spoken to (and the way so very many of you have trusted in the past for me to hear and receive from... just saying.. promised myself I wouldn't get snarky in this post.. that is so not my heart nor my intention. I want to honor another's journey as I would want mine to be honored.. but I digress) began to speak.
"Do not call good evil or evil good. There is good in places where people would see only evil and there is evil in places where people would call good. Do not call good evil or evil good." It rang in my ears so much that I sat straight up. I knew with lack of understanding people perish and harm is done and fear gets in and I also know that a love so perfect and beautiful and divine washes all that fear away. I have seen the "evil" in supposedly "good" places. Green rooms and hospitality suites of some of your favorite speakers before they go on to share the "word of the Lord," I have seen jealousy and envy that would kill and actually did. I've been in the world of Christian ministry for 23 years, I've seen a lot of evil in the name of good and God.
I haven't been in yoga for even a year but I have tasted and seen the goodness of God in the land of the living and have been brought back to life with breathe and postures and meditation. I'm not naive in thinking the land of yoga is a land of utopian bliss without the affects of humanity upon it. I have found immense kindness and generosity of spirit and openness within said culture and community and am profoundly moved.
This dialogue bears down upon my heart and I lose clear articulation at times. I'm on a journey. I have seen where I have stepped into a place where I am not "Christian" enough for many of my friends or people who knew me through our organization. I have met wonderful people who try and grapple with my understanding of how I perceive and receive life and have seen where I am not "secular" enough. I have also met the most wonderful of people who have had coffee (not the come back to Jesus kind) and walked with me in this season with listening ears and open hearts. I have learned that I would rather discern my way through something and feel frail and small and strong and courageous, all at the same time, while trying to remember to breathe then give into fear. I've lost more than I ever thought would happen but in so doing the old adage has been confirmed. In losing a life I could not hold onto I gained a life I would have never imagined possible.
Yoga and Jesus have given that to me.... A life of light, breathe, beauty and sound. It is well...
So the title of the blog post is probably the epitome of my life right now. A dear friend, who knows my love for Madeleine L' Engle, who is best known for being the author of A Wrinkle in Time, gave me the most beautiful necklace a couple weeks ago. You see L'Engle tells a story of a white laughing Buddha upon her desk that reminds her not to take her life so seriously. I NEED THAT REMINDER CONTINUOUSLY!!! The necklace is this beautiful turquoise necklace with a laughing Buddha head as it's center piece. I get immense joy from wearing it.
I was wearing the necklace this one day and upon a trip to the store entered into this conversation with someone; who, it would be quickly discovered knew some of the same people I have known. A woman of Christian faith (as I am as well) and I entered into a conversation that would be indicative of two well versed people within said tradition. Both engaged, both enjoying the conversation, both enjoying the new meet up and then.... her eyes grew a bit big and she shook her head and then looked at me.
I could feel what was happening. In me not taking myself so seriously and an apparent contradiction to all that our conversation had just held (said necklace) this new acquaintance was trying to grapple with what I touch every day. A seeming contradiction that isn't a contradiction within my heart. A discrepancy appeared on the horizon and in a moment I went from being peer to not being "christian" enough.
I really suggest reading Richard Rohr's The Naked Now, it is brilliant in its articulation upon these issues of faith, contemplation and how mystics see. She very politely expressed how nice it was to meet me and that maybe we would see each other around. She left as did I and as the reverberations were to be felt for the next few minutes (or more) in my world, I knew one thing... I was not taking the necklace off... I was not giving up my yoga practice. I was and am becoming a yoga teacher who desires to use the modality of yoga therapeutically. I will also celebrate the life of Christ and the mystical, contemplative side of Christianity while holding a "both and" non - dualistic world view that says beauty and truth and spirit and God are found in all things.
I had recently written a blog post about my journey and excitement about taking my 200 hr teacher training this Summer, and a comment that was written back was, "why would I want to do such a thing as become a yoga teacher?" I read it. Deleted it. Then thought to myself ... "Why would you want to do such a thing as breathe?" For me it is one and the same............
Sat Nam............
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