Conversation ... Three

I sat in stillness and all was quiet.
I let my body sink into the cushions of the sofa and I just sat...

All was still..
All was quiet..

"You don't trust yourself..."

"You don't trust yourself... " and He began to express His heart upon the matter....

The words of a man who is incredibly intuitive once said, "I know far more than you want me to and far less than you think I do."  Those words also rang in my head....  and the two statements began to play upon my heart.

There was something very specifically that I needed to see and to touch and to acknowledge.  I knew to do so would have ramifications and so I would rather say to myself, "I am wrong."  But how many times in my life had I said that already?  How many times had I actually then been right? How many times had I swallowed what could have been said? What should have been said?  How many times in not wanting to see and not wanting to hear and not wanting to know I remained silent? BECAUSE... but of course I can't be right!  

But of course I must be wrong.....

Only to have had correct discernment....

"You don't trust yourself..." And as Jesus wept over Jerusalem I could feel Him weeping over me.... Imploring me to touch this reality and to grow away from it... But then came more words and more words and that is what brought me to my laptop upon this frigid morning...

"You don't trust yourself..."  and then,  "They don't trust themselves..."

And there was no chastisement, just sorrow....

Have I.. have we been taught not to trust ourselves?

I realize that I am probably touching the first season of twenty-four years of full time Christian service where I am not looking for another human being to express to me what I should or need to believe..... I am touching moments liken unto one evening not too long ago where I sat in stillness and quiet and received strength and courage to believe that as I do seek, and as I do sit and as I do pursue I will know... I will know Him.. I will know myself more..

I have sat with Him more in stillness.. in quiet
I have sat with myself more in stillness .. in quiet

In the beginning it can be a terrifying exercise. Every day it can be a terrifying exercise...
Bit after bit and moment after moment it becomes the most intoxicating times though.. still terrifying .. but I have prayed for years, "know me... I want to know you.."  But didn't quiet myself, didn't linger over Him or my being, didn't pause, didn't cease... 

To know, really know one is to spend time with one.  To allow things to not just be a 15 second sound bite but to allow moments to penetrate, to reverberate, to capture your attentions and change and alter your appetites... To let the Spirit hover over that which is chaotic and bring order ... beautiful, incredible higher order....

The man, St. Francis of Assisi, is attributed with the prayer:  "Oh Lord who are you? 
 Oh Lord who am I?"

Pray that prayer with quiet reverence for a month or longer and watch ...

I am learning to trust... I am learning to lean more upon Him and in so doing He is leading me in a way and instructing my heart to trust more and more that which He placed in me when He sung over me and knit me together in my mother's womb...

Be well... Be very well....

And know in the depths of you that that which He placed within you can be lead and be guided and molded and that He who is asked for bread will not ever give a snake....