FEAR: BE AFRAID..... BE VERY AFRAID...
(the voice of the emotion)
It's gruesome. It's raw. We don't want to look at unpleasant pictures.
This picture spoke the most to me as I searched for one to begin the week.
What does fear do?
It mutes us.
I wish I could find a picture, maybe I'll hire a model and take one myself. The image I would create would be a person sitting on a chair with hands and feet and mind bound. Not just mouth covered with tape. Maybe a person's whole body. Fear paralyses.
There are very legitimate reasons.
I understand. I do....
Fear screams that our options are limited, that we are going to fail, that we will be humiliated, that we can't really do it, why bother trying, a million what ifs (and they all end badly). Fear takes its toll upon a person. No longer standing straight and tall, being able to make eye contact. Fear doesn't just affect the mind. It robs the soul. It suffocated the spirit. It grounds and creates the flightless bird.
Challenge for week 2: Look at pictures of fear. Look at it. Get to know it. Feel it within yourself. How can you overcome an enemy (and that is what fear is) if you do not know it. My husband and I have taught an advanced class to Empaths, Seers, Intuitive people etc, while the title is simple the material is not. We call it the Advanced Seer Course. The material takes the empath and walks them through what virtues and vices feel like, look like, sound like, smell like and taste like. Sounds a bit odd but in the end, the empath leaves the class more able to understand what it is that they are feeling and sensing within any specific atmosphere.
Understanding fear. Knowing what it feels like when its upon your mind and your body, your soul and the very essence of you, will always be helpful in breaking away and moving into freedom.
Admittedly very cliche but I would rather equip myself on how to be more like the little blue engine that could then have myself staring at a mountain afraid and immobile.
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THE JOURNEY.... Making it Personal. Becoming real
The journey of week 1: Small ways are not insignificant. They can be more impacting then stomping on the head of fear in a large and demonstrative way. I stepped into my week not expecting to go bungee jumping every day, or run ten miles (although for you that might have been it.) You see that would be my natural inclination. Do it big. Defeat fear in large ways. Making it splashy and extroverted and cool. But my largest journey against fear is a very personal one. The largest question is will I let the real Mims Driscoll live? Will I discover who that is and then be true to who I really am? Will I quietly live afraid inside while living this life on the outside that onlookers think is full of courage and strength? Will the most authentic me show up when everything in me is screaming to hide?
This week the answer to that question was more a YES, than a NO. This week I learned deep things about myself and shrugged off the voices of others, who have said.. I'm this and I'm that or I'm not this or that anymore. This week I would say that 84.5% I answered the call of the day and lived as me.
So my ten this week:
1) I posted in a blog post a picture, that not even some of my closest friends of the last couple years, had ever seen of me. A picture, of myself, that I wish did not exist. But that I use as a place of inspiration. A picture I now use as a remembrance. A remembrance that when I set my heart upon something I can achieve. A picture that isn't just for me but that has spoken to you and was needing to come out of the closet. No more shame for who I used to be or what I used to look like. No more humiliation, no more hiding. It's been a journey to get to where I am and it is a journey in front of me.... each step has held a piece. This was a significant one to share.
2) I modified (aka admitted I couldn't do something) in a yoga class. It started with strep, continued with a virus that just kept on ticking. But beyond physical weakness and limitations, I found myself in a yoga class that I had to leave. Literally got turned around, thinking it was the room. Nope.. it was me. Found my mat. Rolled it up and walked out. (Touched the first yoga class I couldn't power through or even go to child's pose to finish). Another class... had to modify with blocks, blankets, and bolsters. The brilliant aspect to it all was I stood, sat and laid down and listened to my body. No, I can't do this today.. no, it doesn't say all that I could hear it saying. I'm not strong enough. I am actually stronger than I've ever been because I listened to what my body needed and responded to my needs. THIS... on and OFF the mat is changing my life.
3) This isn't a slight to anyone. John Wimber used to say his detractors were his favorite people. They kept him honest he would say.... So #3. Learning to arise with grace and appreciation to those who have a very different way of looking at my life and yoga journey. This week in (its #5) releasing a brand to actually describe that which I am doing set off a new round of comments and expressions. Taking it in stride. Allowing my emotions to be what they are and my thoughts to be what they are and allow others to have their journey and their thoughts and walk in grace humbly with each other. This is becoming a life long goal. While it is personal. It isn't personal. While some of the comments can sting. They only do so if I let them. They can not control my response. I do that. So make it what I want it to be... Full of grace, smiles, and perspective.
4) This is just a fun one. A hard one but a fun one. There are people I do yoga every day with. I see their faces. Then we go to our own practice and out towards our own lives. But there are a few and have been some that capture my heart. Some amazing friendships have formed. New ones are forming. But they start with a "hi" after class, or an introduction while walking to the cars. I did several of those first "hi" moments and asking for coffee this week. It felt great to be getting to know new people and hearing about them and their lives and their story. Fear would say a million things here if you let it. Fear loves isolation. But whats the worst that can happen? I mean really.... Saying hi, sharing a smile... asking someone who you've seen for months for a simple coffee... its great. And the diversity of people that I am meeting has filled and enriched my life immensely. Loving my yoga community. It is a joy to be making their introductions.
5) Here it is... Stood up (not really but really) and said.. I have been living a life. I have talents. I have skills. I am more than capable in some areas. I am learning in others. I have been thinking about a dream for a long time. NOW ITS TIME. I am a spiritual director. I am growing in passion for yoga therapy as I have started to work with individuals within this realm. I am a teacher, a retreat leader, a woman, a creative being, and so much more. I have a song deep within me that I have whispered or suffocated. No longer.... In small ways I am letting it out and in loud ways I find myself singing my song, hearing its reverberation through my body and into the air and surrounding atmosphere.
But what if you fail? What if it turns out to be nothing? Hey Gremlins... What if it turns out to be something? What if I add hard word to the dream and it emerges as a life? What if I soar? What if I break through those storm clouds and create something that touches the lives of others? Those are the "WHAT IFs" I'm entertaining these days.
Living Mangaliso... Had its birth this week! It was hard to push that "go live," button. However it would have been harder not to..... Living Mangaliso is a passion of mine. Mangaliso, a Zulu term, for "you are an amazement." To live a life that pours out of its ever crevice the song that sings to others that they are an amazement is a life worth living..... So LIVE it went...
6)Again a seemingly small victory over fear. But if you come from where I come from, you will quickly understand this one was probably the biggest. Using the word Yoga over the word Movement. I'm just going to leave this at that. But this was an extremely large victory. One where I choose me and my truest expression over modification. Sometimes its just what needs to be done.
7) Taught 1/2 a yoga class locally. Oh you can do anything when you aren't in your home town. But step into your dream in the place where you live and it matters more. This was it.... can I do this here? Can I teach adults and not just children or teens? I knew I could. I did. I'll admit that. But wondered would the courage come out or would the nerves win out. Throughout the day I went through the class in my head. Then all of a sudden, this small voice smiled within me and said... "You were made for this." SHIFT.... Something was different within. FIND your own "you were made for this." Journey until you do. Step outside comfort zone and anything you thought you would or wouldn't be. (This time last year I hadn't even ever taken a yoga class.) Pursuing my dream where I live .. this week that was huge... and it was an amazing feeling.
8) Stepped into a most honest communication and asked for something I really needed. Fear was saying to me, don't bring it up. Fear was saying that I will lose. It felt a bit like getting on the proverbial plank to walk it out.I needed to ask a question. Then I got an answer that was good but I could feel as minutes passed, as did a couple hours.. I needed more. ( We have needs. I'm learning that that is ok. Nothing to be ashamed about. Hasn't always been my reality. But new ways are being written.) I must say this interaction was taking place within the confines of what has proven to be a very safe relationship. Except there are always unknowns. Communication is a high value of mine. In this journey away from fear, I've seen it as a most potent tool. So I continued the conversation and opened my heart and risked. Receiving an answer back that would hold me until further communication could be had. I know myself. Without that last piece the weekend would have been looking very differently. Communicate. Oh just so you know. It wasn't the perfect articulation of just the right amount of words. It was what I could do at the moment. Step into what you can do in the moment. I'm learning it then grows.
9) Let myself rest. Stepping into pursuing a dream can take long days and hours. My body roared at me on Saturday that it still wasn't 100% and I needed to back off or it was going to quit on me on more than one level. So as I grappled with the reality that the world didn't need to be spinning, that I could lay down and go horizontal for a while.. I listened. Rest it was. Once again listening to my body and not doing. That is as much a victory for me as the stepping out.
10) I hate navigating the world of marketing and networking. Prior work experiences have somewhat ruined that world for me. Plus I so much prefer relationship and natural happenings to happen. But there are people I would want to meet that my life doesn't organically cross paths with. This week I made a long list of those people; who I would like to meet with, talk to, and engage with. I took that list and made phone calls and sent off emails. I'm beginning to have coffee with people I would have never met. I'm learning from them. I'm grateful for their time. I've learned I'm different. I'm learning that I can walk the aspects of "networking" differently. I'm learning I can be me and show up as me and life becomes real and fun.
This week... I met myself time after time. Shook off the voice and affects of fear and stepped into life and living. I heard my no as well as yes. I communicated well and without effort and there were moments I couldn't find the articulation to save my life. I smiled and said "hi" to new people who will move away from being the "new" people in my life. (At least some of them.)
This week... I found my way and I got lost.
This week... My first week of this living experiment, A Year without Fear, my eyes were open to the most amazing "What ifs," and my heart grew and my feet walked and I lived.
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