I pulled into the gravel parking lot and paused as I sat in my car. I love this place. I love watching the sun rise.. Sundays mark the transition to a new week. They are the perfect reminder for me to pause, and remember that seven more days have passed. Another week has been lived. The journey is taking on steam.
WEEK 3 BEGINS!!!!
They say it takes 21 days to build a habit....
My new habit... Well, it is actually living a life I would want to and showing up to said life as the me I would want to be/become.
I don't always bring my journal to my outings. There are times I just want to sit quietly without pen and paper. However today felt like a day to carry along the pages that hold my heart's truest expression.
Sitting among the grass, the rocks, the sky, the colors, the morning my heart took flight.
My first sentence reverberated a sentiment that began years ago.. That statement that began to ricochet throughout my entire being. "I can't do this anymore." I've written about that time in many other posts. Again, not wanting to live from a place of negativity I set out to discover what then I could do, what then I wanted to do.
The first sentence I wrote today; "I didn't want the life I was living. I didn't really know what I wanted. BUT I admitted the truth to myself." That was a huge step. To allow myself to hear myself. To allow my heart to really speak, not that which it was programmed to through life and religion but what it really wanted to say... Myself would be my first audience, a trusted few my second.. the world my third!
I realized how much I had pushed that expression down because of fear... but I let the most secret of desires become the slightest of whispers and smile now as they become liken more unto a shout, song. A truer reverberation of my soul.
The joy and trepidation I feel these days, at times equally, eventually do bring a smile to my face. The what ifs try to taunt.. What if I fail? What if I can't do this? What if it everything just is a flop? But I'm now getting really good at turning those what ifs around! What if I can do this? What if I succeed? What if everything soars? Those have their own places to adjust towards. But the energy and vitality that those what ifs create versus the wet blanket syndrome of the other what ifs, I'll take any day.
Have you started yet? Are you working of the "Days before the Year without Fear?" What do you do?
- Pause and Get Quiet. What are the whispers of your heart that want to be heard? What life would you want to be living? Listen to me... Not all the answers are going to be grandiose. They better not be :) Simple and small steps, cultivating the seeds of hope and new life, listening to the soul's song and hearing it's melody. That is a huge first step.
- Find Some Trusted People. Not all my peeps in this arena were "old friends." Actually some of them were very new to my life. Be Honest With Yourself. (And others as you can) Honesty crushes fear. I remember the days sitting in the office of an episcopal priest. (A new faithful friend) as I could say things and ask questions that didn't rock his world though they were creating very high scores on the Richter Scale in mine. What? Find people who your new doubts, fears, discoveries, questions won't affect. The people in my immediate sphere couldn't or wouldn't always handle the questions I wanted or needed to ask, my changes and challenges were too close to home. Find those who really can be objective. The people who have nothing to gain and nothing to lose from changes and challenges in your life.
- Take The First Steps. Be open to the fact that they might not always be what you might think they are... Sometimes it is just sitting with a "new friend," asking the hard questions that are coursing through your frame. Sometimes it is taking that first step, meeting that new person, going to a new group meeting. Sometimes it is just journaling and being more honest with yourself then maybe you ever have, even in your very own journal.
- Keep Walking... There will be days that you might feel like Lot's wife. She looked back and turned to salt. Let me tell you looking back won't turn you into salt. And there is actually a lot to say about this. But for now be aware nostalgia takes on different forms. When the world starts to change (even in small ways), you might think it was better before you started out upon your journey. It wasn't. Find the place within or the good friend that will remind you. As the song 2am, aka Breathe, says you are just as far in as you are out... KEEP WALKING!!!! It will get better. And then it won't. Then it will. Then it won't. But then it will and you will begin to discover that though it has its ups and downs, living the more true expression of your life is a life worth living then any shadow of such a thing.
- Laugh, Cry, Shout................. (or Journal) Feel and express and keep notes.... I have a journal for last July.. The first page has this desire upon it.. "I want to know more about the Body, Soul, Spirit connection.) On July 16, 2014 I hadn't even started yoga. I had begun to walk more true to a spiritual journey that was laying its claim upon my life, but I hadn't taken physical steps away from that which I didn't want to do anymore. I was beginning to count and understand the personal cost of what my journey forward might entail, I really had no clue. But having a journal to go back to and smile at and realize how far I have come upon the journey... brings both smiles and tears. It also brings courage.
I admitted I was good at something in front of someone. I heard my own voice and heart be willing to say, I can do this... That takes more courage then one might think. At the same time allowed myself to be taught. Continued to admit I wanted something different, though the continued cost bears down upon me at times in ways that I can't fully fathom stealing my breath away. I remind myself to find my breath! Asked an awkward question that showed I didn't really understand a response I got but got the answer I needed and it was all ok. Stepped closer and closer to my dream. (Sent out a recording to my mentor of me teaching some yoga students.) AND..... Last week I face the week and day that marked the one year anniversary of my beloved Auntie passing away.... Folks if that is all I did last week that would have been more than enough... But amidst memories flooding of in, recapping events of the year past, I would show up to life and live.....
So stepping into week 3... I have my list of things I am going to do and I am also aware that surprises are always upon the path... Here's to facing the known and the unknown
A year without fear continues........................................
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