"Speak, oh Lover. We are listening!"
"I've never felt so quieted before." I said
"And that's a bad thing?" Came the question back.
"No. Just not used to it so much." I replied.
"I used to feel more confident in what I had to say."
Silence.
There was no response.
Not knowing if I should share more or if the silence was necessary; I, too, paused.
I have begun to slightly trust this more. So while anxiety did push upon my heart and thoughts raced within my mind; I leaned into intentionally quieting my soul.
"And now." Spoken with a slight smile, a noticeable twinkle in the eye.
"And now.... " I paused, for I knew not really how to finish that answer.
"Now I feel quiet. Now I wish you would speak more. Now I touch the hem of silence and quiet and feel their force. Now I look to trust more than to speak. Now I weep at the pausing and it's power. Now I tremble at the stillness and the knowledge that comes from it's depths. Now I look to you. Now I know not what to say."
"I would disagree." Was the response.
To which it was my turn to pause. Allowing silence to fill the space between us, cascading over the both us of, drawing us deeper into each other.
"My heart misses what I feel it once knew." Not referring to education or instruction but to the most interior and intrinsic ideas that our hearts knew before we programmed them not to hear, see or know.
"So go back a few steps."
"It feels like more than just a few steps."
Pauses. Stillness. Quiet.
"You're waiting for me to say more this time," I said breaking the silence.
"I am."
"But I don't know what to say."
To which the silence took on a slightly different feel as distance was added.
"Wait." Everything in me shouted. Terrified that the distance would only increase.
"I'm afraid."
Immediately the atmosphere filled back.
"That which I know causes me sorrow. The places I lack understanding bare down upon my heart."
"They only bare down upon your heart because in truth, you lack not the understanding you think, you just refuse to embrace that which you most truly know. You play dumb. You play safe. You see and while you ask to see, you negate that which you see. You hear and then deafen both ear and heart. You play safe."
I began to say, "but I don't understand, or the excuse of 'I don't mean to'" except I could only feel so deep within the untruth of that statement.
The night was young. The discussion poised to be long.
Silence again filled the time and space.
Truth be told I was weighing out my options. Truth be told He is far more patient than I ever imagined. Far more patient that I maybe ever will be; certainly far more patient than I am now. Nurturing stillness encompassed by it's power filled the air. Surrounded by tenderness as if it was the most marvelously soft blanket filled with warmth, containing security laid deeply, heavily upon my soul. I was transfixed.
"What have I told you?" He broke the silence. Gently soothing my very being.
Before I could respond, the answer was granted into my depths.
"You both ask the question and supply it's answer." I said back with a smile.
"I want you to know the pathways we walk." Was what was spoken back without hesitation.
"Now you are in my head." As I could feel the images that were being touched. The ideas that were being rescued.
"I am in far more than your head."
"So you know."
"Yes."
"But..."
"But, this is us.... I want you to speak."
"I'm afraid..." And I hesitated. I faltered.
I came to understand in that second that those words would only ever cause Him to move closer, the very nature within the essence of the being of Spirit; never forsakes, never leaves alone. I bristled. "What?" I said. "I can tell you I'm afraid, I can tell you I don't understand, but I can't tell you I don't know." I could felt agitation flowing through me, coursing through my being, causing tears to sting my eyes.
"You may not."
Now we were in full eye to eye focus lock down.
Girding my heart, I could feel the shift. While the presence didn't budge. Not one bit. "I'll lose this 'show down.'"
"No, I will guarantee you don't."
"My language and your language in this are saying two very different things."
To which His laughter filled the essence of all that I am. "That, your response, is why... you may not say 'you don't know.' You may not want to say. But you do know. It is to that end I push."
"You want more of me than I am willing to give."
"That is not true. You are far more willing to give to me more than you, yourself understand. You actually hold back very little. I am not afraid of your fear. I am not the one whose pace is not being met. I am Author. I am who begins and brings to completion. You need not be afraid. Breathe."
I could feel myself shrinking back as if into a corner, while not at all cornered; I knew not how to respond. The 'showdown,' of sorts was getting personal. My mind wandered to Jacob. Would a physical wrestling be better than this.
"No." Before I could speak the answer was out there.
Again my mind raced in a million directions. Searching for a response that would feel true, trying to grasp for an expression that didn't feel like it would come easily at all.
Then before I could blink an eye or think another thought; warmth was mine. A cascading warm solid tangible honey like substance was flowing, filling me.. saturating the room. The essence, the sensation.. it all was accompanied by an image. Again I bristled. But as if I was a colicky child, all that happened was I was brought closer into an embrace, not pushed away. My back stiffened. His intention remained firm. He began to hum. I relaxed. I breathed.
Thoughts, pictures of days and years gone by flooded. Warmth, vibration, gentleness, kindness; it all swirled into the air with color and temperature and atmosphere changing components leaving me changed; softened.
Still quiet. Words still wouldn't come. Glancing; no, more like still glaring over the top of missing rims to glasses I don't wear, I looked towards the direction in which He sat. A caution upon my heart. I wanted this moment to be what it was even while I wanted to also diminish it, put distance between myself and it, play nonchalant, aloof.
There, was sitting, the One who loves my soul so completely, so well. Did I want to engage in a show down I couldn't win, or really actually didn't want to win? Or did I want Him to make the first move? It wasn't going to happen this time. While I know He runs, He leaves, He rescues... something was different. My mind raced to all the places in my life where this very occurrence was true. I had just earlier railed at the heavens, imploring them to move, daring them to cause something to act that would change where I was, what was happening, how I felt.
It began to dawn on me that this was the response to those prayers.
That this evening and what was transpiring was in direct correlation to those prayers.
I had invited this guest.
I had asked for this evening.
Yet upon arrival I did not want it to carry the message it did. I wanted to be rescued. It was the determination of all that was transpiring that I would conclude that rescuing was not what I needed.
Stand off sadly continued. I would like to say that I melted again completely at that part. But I didn't. As I refused, I felt more of His joy which began to irritate me more than fill me with similar emotion.
"Isn't this stubbornness." I asked.
"No."
"Uncertainty?"
"Definitely not."
"Well?"
"Well."
I heard His heart.
"I'm not an infant."
"You're not an infant."
"You want me to grow up."
"I want you to grow up."
"It isn't that you wouldn't rescue me, run to me, comfort me, stand with me. It isn't that you ever leave me alone."
"True. So what is it?"
"You want me to stand."
"I want you to stand. I want you to feel what that feels like. I want you to stand. I want you not to succumb. That is not you won't be weak. You will be weak. In that weakness you will feel my strength. You will falter but you will not fall. You will err but you are not to fear."
And my heart and mind raced in a very different fashion. I thought upon words of wisdom that I know to be written in Christian scriptures. "Having done all... stand."
"Yes. No longer being an infant means you may not look for others to do for you that which you can do for yourself. Take the step. Breathe Stand."
"But..." I wanted to say a million things. But what if I can't? What if I falter? What if I fail? What if I'm not strong enough? What if I'm not smart enough? What if?????? A million "what ifs" filled my head.
Quiet. But the silence filled with attentive glances my way. Watching me. Looking at me. Looking into me and offering a glance into what was being seen.
I swallowed hard.
"You're not going to tell me."
"No."
"You could."
"Yes."
"But you won't."
"Correct."
I didn't have to ask why.
Sitting there, looking at Him looking at me, receiving His glance and presence... I could feel myself all of a sudden walking in the palm of a very large and vast palm.
"This is where I am."
"This is where you are."
"Always?"
"Always."
"Promise?"
"Promise."
I closed my eyes for a minute. And when I opened them my guest had seen Himself away. I sat there, now looking at the empty chair. The chair that had only seconds earlier been full with presence, light, sound, eternal beauty. Now back to being just a chair. And as that thought landed in my heart; a bright twinkling of sorts overrode it. Never and always back to being just a chair. I am that which I am; at times so much less... living less than that which I am and at times being that which I am and touching more.
"Remove the 'just.' Let it be. Be yourself as well." Then the evening fell fully silent. Then my heart realized I could go to sleep. Then my heart smiled, my body breathed and quiet once again reigned firm.
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