I had been awake in a dream...

“I'm afraid,” I whispered.

“You need not be.” Came the reply.

“I know not where you are going.”

“But I go and come back.”

“Yes, but you go.” The words tumbled out of my mouth as my chin pressed down against my chest, and once again I choked out within whispered words, “You go and I know not where. You go and I know not when you return.” I could feel His gaze upon me. The truth and untruth of words filling my heart with conflict He knew didn't need to be so full. Tears made pathways down my flesh falling to the ground as a river.

“Let me take you somewhere.”

Curiosity pulled me from sorrow. My head lifted. I can't say that I lifted my own head in that moment. For while the movement started within me reaching its objective of raised countenance, it was not I who did the lifting. While no finger moved chin upwards, presence was certainly stronger filling my weakened heart with affections so grand I could not resist. So head lifted, heart intrigued, entire being moved forward.

The landscape was all of a sudden without air. I felt I was choking. Grayish brown hues touched everything. My eyes stung from the death that was palpable to every sensation. Struck utterly dumb. My mind raced all over the place I knew Him. Why here? Just enough light to see mist, fog, ruins. Not enough light to know if it was dawn or dusk. Feeling as if it was neither. I stood upon ground so utterly dusty that the silt of it filled my mouth with a horrid dryness.

Was this a dream? I had been awake in a dream before, this didn't feel like that. Role of observer was to become mine however.

Was that a hum? What was that sound? So far away. Even as I pressed leaning forward, squinting eyes could not make out some potential movement still so off in the distance. Was it a mirage? Was the dusty dank atmosphere sinking into me, adjusting all that is that essence of me into a darkened confusion full of death.

A deeper fog began to roll in, I found curiosity once again. Fear wasn't taking its normal place. I was intrigued. The distant sound was getting louder. And I heard within my core, “Where is the one that my heart loves?” I smiled. I would find trust. I would remember if only so slightly that I had been asked to come here, regardless of what ever would occur, I had come upon His invitation. That was trustworthy enough for me. In touching that moment, that realization; I touched a peace that my understanding could not comprehend.

Distant hum, fog, silt; all still begot the atmosphere. I found a change. Something altered in my depth ever so slightly, once again there was movement. However the air stung, however eyes burnt, however pressed into blindness my entire being was, I had been brought here on the wings of  love's invitation. There would be purpose. Could I withstand the elements long enough to touch the hem of understanding?

Hum joined breeze shooing fog slightly away from where I stood. I was startled. Before I could hold it back a sharp horrified cry escaped from my lungs, entering my mouth, sounding off to my ears. Horrors upon horrors filled the landscape before me. Fog continued to lift. Now in the distance I beheld Him walking. I could picture myself pounding against His chest while letting off every expletive I knew. Fury and pain welled up into and through me, “This! This is where you wanted to bring me!” I screamed. “What the...” and I let the silence fall. “I trusted you. I followed you.” Crumbling under the weights baring down upon my mind, the sights that filled my eyes, the stench that filled my nostrils; I felt broken. And Him. Walking. Did the horizon ever get closer? Were there weird special effects in play that kept Him miles away yet seemingly within arms length?

Without moving I was moved. There was a mound to the right. I wasn't upon it however before I could register that reality I was standing upon its dirt. I was standing. He was kneeling. There was something in between us. The humming began again. It wasn't Him. It was Him. Not coming forth from His mouth. The sound was reverberating from His essence. As if He was a wind chime of sorts allowing fresh and new winds to create a song of vibrations in the air. A song of resurrection. A melody of life.

He bent further down. Picking up something He brought it to His mouth. Breathed. Held, what I could not see, within His hands. Brought it back up to His mouth. Planting His lips upon its white form, a kiss was imparted. Moment after moment slipped by as I watched the repetition of expressed action. Something would be picked up, brought to His mouth twice; once for breathe and once for a kiss. Then whatever He had within His grip would be laid back down upon the soil near His knees.

I knew He knew I was there but not a word was being spoken nor was my presence acknowledged. Wrapped up in the activity before Him, His focus was intense. I just watched. It was with such immense intention that each action was being done, that I was pulled into a place of observation which commanded silence, stillness. I was just to watch. Observe.

Neither fear nor confusion were present. Anger had dissipated. Again, curiosity and intrigue filled my soul.

Then He bowed before all that He had placed upon the earth and began to weep. Words and tears fell upon dirt. Another came to join us.....

Not looking at me, not speaking to me; He turned and spoke to that other. I heard ancient words. The earth began to rumble. The fog lifted. Skeletons began to arise. Muscle placed upon them. Life added back to them. Fog lifted. Silt felt to earth. Air cleansed. Wind, no.. it was breath had come and washed death away.

Now I saw. Now I knew. Now I was the one kneeling.

“Not all valleys are cemeteries. Not all battlefields remain full of blood.” He kissed the foot of one who had been a skeleton. He washed the silt off of her toes by His tears. I had been the observer. Or so I thought. I had also been the pieces that He had taken and bit by bit had washed them, kissed them, breathed life back into them. I had been observer of my own other participation. I had been both.

“You see,” He paused. Such a serious stance He took that it shook me at first. “I do make all things new. I might go. When I go you can trust it is always for your benefit. While I might seem to be standing at a horizon that never draws near, know this... I am never further away then this,” at that He leaned in, placing a kiss upon my person.

“The truths about yourself which you won't let yourself acknowledge, that lack of understanding is why you perish.” His gaze softer now as was His stance. I found myself lost, gazing deeply towards Him. “You look through me to a different age.”

“I'm sorry.” His observation  was truth, my gaze had lost its set focus upon Him and gotten lost into that neverworld that just won't leave me alone at times. "The residue of the silt," I guessed.

"Yes."

Now I did feel His finger beneath my chin, lifting.

Perfect silence fell between us both. He wasn't going anywhere. It would be step by step. It would be a journey. There was time. There was not pressure. There was presence. There was grand affection.

The deliberate actions I witnessed were what was unfolding. I had observed past, present and future all in one moment. I had been awake in a dream.