"Hi."
"There is much on your heart. So early in the morning. Is this really how you want to start the day?"
I just smiled. Sat there. Looked. Tears started streaming down my face.
"I have nothing to say."
I knew He could say that He disagreed. He had before. I knew He wouldn't this morning.
"You are worried over many things. Your heart is troubled. Take a walk with me. Yes?"
"You're my therapist now?"
"Well, I am called The Counselor."
We both smiled.
Sometimes just looking at Him, sometimes just being still in His presence is enough. No words need pass between us. Presence becomes more than enough. I closed my eyes. Took in a deep breathe. I opened my eyes, tilting my head towards the right I just stared. Again tears fell. Without speaking a word, I knew He knew all. Everything. So I just kept looking. Keeping eyes open, closing them ever so briefly, keeping them closed. Letting myself be. Letting myself ache. Letting myself cry.
No longer was I watching Him across the room. No longer He in the chair, I on the sofa. Now my head was upon His shoulder, my body held... held up, for my feet were giving way.
"Will it always hurt this bad?"
"Yes, no, sometimes."
Startled, I moved my body away, (Only slightly, just enough to look up at His face.) "You want to pick one?" But I had been so startled that He had caused me to laugh a little too. Tear stained checks pulled up in a grin. Only He can do this to me.
"Sometimes it will be worse."
"You make a crappy counselor, you know."
It was His turn to smile.
"Rest." And He put His very large hand on the back of my head, holding me into His chest. "Breathe." "Just Be."
All seemed to fade away. In that moment, all seemed to be quiet. I'm not talking my home. I'm not saying the early morning hours in my room. I'm saying all seemed to fall into a quieted place.
I whispered, "I love you."
I felt movement in His body, "I know." He looked down towards me. I could feel His chin move across the top of my head. I could feel Him making a decision though I knew not what. Taking my hand, He spoke; "Come with me."
Then we were walking upon a different shore line, my feet sinking into the ground that is neither sand nor water. Upon the waters edges we were walking. Solid ground under my feet, as the waters rolled in from the tides creating a glistening walkway mirroring back our shadows upon the wet, hard sand.
Again words were so few. Spirit was solid. Feelings were being transmitted as if through the air. Words felt as if they didn't have to pass between us. The movement of feeling, spirit, atmosphere... Him, collided and I stopped walking.
He was gone. I blinked. He was gone. Stunned I scanned the horizon. No, He was gone. I didn't quite know what to do. I stood there, lost. Frozen. Stunned. Weren't we just side by side. Where did He go? What was I now to do? In the absence I gently closed my eyes. In the moment I placed my feet underneath me grounding myself further into the sand beneath my feet. In the moment I stilled myself.
"Look what you can do."
"You suck as a counselor you know."
Right side of His face turned up in a smile as eyes gleamed my way.
"What happened to never leaving."
"I didn't leave you."
"Uhm, says you."
His voice grounded in depths of kindness I had never heard prior to this moment and I had heard Him a lot. "I never leave you."
He caused my mind to race back to the days when attending a school in Wenham, MA, having just met Him only months before, He had pulled such a "trick." He caused me to remember what I did in those moments. He caused me to compare those moments to this one.
"Is this that growing up thing you've been talking about."
"Yes.... and no."
"Again with the yes, no, possibly. An answer would be helpful."
"Not always."
What I had done in those days, so many years ago, was upon His presence lifting even the slightest bit I had run back to my dorm room, sobbing had thrown myself upon the floor imploring Him to come back. Afraid I had done something wrong as for His presence to lift. It had been the first time Presence had ever done that to me. I had known Him for Months and never, not for one moment, I hadn't held His hand, walked by His side, seen His face... And then I had been walking on this path towards the cafeteria, and He was gone. Shock saturated my body. I turn. Ran. Swung the door to my dorm wide open, slammed it closed and face met floor as sobs racked my body. What had I done? The movement hadn't even been fully made. The tears hadn't touched the carpet, Presence saturated my very being. No words had been spoken at that time. In my infantile state, all I knew was that He was back.
"I'm no longer an infant."
"You are no longer an infant."
"I was still startled."
"You were."
"My song is always with you. My essence upon you. My breathe yours."
I closed my eyes. Trying within His presence to settle my own soul.
"Growth is hard," I said as I kept my eyes closed. I realized too much sensory overload. I realized my eyes needed to be shut. I realized, once again, no words really needed to be spoken."
"I miss you, that's all... I just miss you, when you do that."
I knew there was so much He could say. Again, I could feel the movements within His being. I could feel Him thinking. I knew to open my eyes. I knew to look at Him. As I made contact, as I saw His face... tears again started streaming down my face. "I miss you."
"I ache for you."
"I want this to be over."
He just listened. "Ah," I thought. "There's the therapist in you."
Without words having been spoken, He burst out in a laughter that shock the air and made it smile. I closed my eyes to take in its sound. Luxurious. Unmatched. Immense. Beautiful. Strengthening. Firm.
Again I closed my eyes. Drank in the air. Took in as deep a breathe as I could. And smiled.
"You are worried about many things. Your heart grieves. Let it grieve."
"Easier said then done." And I lowered my chin, I lowered my gaze, my right big toe played with the sand. I was fighting it. I was fighting the sobs. My body racked with pain. My heart bent over in sorrow. Standing underneath His presence. Still I wouldn't let go.
"What?"
"You need to tell me."
"I actually don't." Was my reply.
"True."
"You know all things anyway, what does it matter." My voice was giving me up. My body was giving in. It was His compassion that was winning the moment. His kindness. His tenderness.
"It matters." He spoke ever so softly yet with something akin to a voice that caused an interior movement within me as if He had roared. Gentle mind you. Significant. Firm. Beyond gentle. The ripple affects were coursing through my being, having their way, making adjustments within my soul.
I took a deep breath.
"You love me." I said.
"I do."
"Then, please sit with me."
Those words were out of my mouth. No longer were we standing on the ocean's edge. I can not tell you where we then went. It isn't that I wouldn't. I would. I just don't know. It was grand though. And we sat side by side.
"Tell me."
Looking down at the ground I began to speak. It felt like a thousand years passed. I was still speaking. About this. About that. Telling Him about every step that I could in the journey. Everything I remembered from the past. Telling Him every hope I had for the future. Every confusion I had within the present. I talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and didn't stop talking... He never moved. He never said a word. He listened.
I never moved. Gaze down at the ground. Body posture slightly bent over. Hands upon face. (We were sitting in these crazy amazing chairs. On some porch. The air I could try to describe to you but I don't think I have the words.)
I wasn't done. But I took a breathe. I could feel within Him that He knew there was more. Permission filled the air. And now so did more sobs. As I took back up the conversation. Now sobbing through the words; on one hand, not even knowing if He could understand my lack of clear articulation and on the other knowing, A) It didn't matter and B) He knew all things. Sobbing. Talking. Staring down at my feet. Words spilled over them as did tears. Time both stood still and sped forward. And still we sat.
Then, in a moment when I had once again paused; He spoke, "Do you still think I suck as a Counselor?"
Birds sang. The air danced. I looked up for the first time. Made eye contact. Smiled. And awoke.....
In that in between place, of neither here nor there... I spoke the last few words. "I love you, my Lord, always and forever. No matter how firm or fragile. I love you." His reply came through as my eyes opened to a different space; my space, my room, my sofa.. my birds singing outside the window. My dawn breaking through the evening's share of time. "I know. To you, my love and affection always."
Then as if on cue, I heard the rumblings of my day begin. Two little voices filled the air, two little feet were heading to the bathroom, as one called after the other. It would be time for getting them ready for school. It would be time to start the day. It would be time to live.
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