For so long I stayed within a proverbial ghetto. One very specific modality of expression of spiritual truths.
I was content.
I was satisfied.
Then the echos began to rumble deep within. "I can't do this anymore." Those five words along with many influences keep propelling me down a road I do not know but step by step discover.
That has been part of the biggest lesson learned throughout this season. Trusting the step by step nature of the journey. Not looking too far ahead. Trying to not linger upon the past. Letting the day and the moment be that which they are unfolding. I won't deny it is unnerving at times. Listening to the pace that organically grows deep within my heart, granting that expression to flow through my life, has been difficult at best, at times excuriating.
Raised in the North East around the cities, threw into my structure a certain way of perceiving and participating in the world. Everything about my life had a culture that was fast pace, highly intelligent, ego based towards success and achievement; driven. I adopted my culture's ways as they were what I was exposed towards.
Yet something always rumbled deep within me for simplicity, calm, tranquility. My husband will laugh and the story is certainly not for this post, but when I was younger I actually did run away to join the Amish.
More recently it would be a variety of influences that would cause all that is within me to once again notice, receive and act upon my most intrinsic nature. A spirituality center filled with creative and inquisitive people, a yoga studio interested in community and nurture, a diverse group of individuals crossing my path for a variety of reasons; therapist, priest, friends,professor. Almost a list liken to Gilligan's Island.
Beyond the people, the places, the books; beyond the journey, there have been the questions. Just recently I was granted about an hour with a doctorate level professor; that discussion empowered me to express, see and touch the questions that have been ruminating in the depths of me for years in a more concise, articulate manner than I had been able to do.
These aren't new to those of you who read my writings. They just continue to be that which my heart ponders. That which I think is necessary to sit with. Some are more developed and others less so. Dialogue and discussion across the ecumenical and faith lines are so phenomenal to me, so grateful for those that cross my path.. ever hungry for more.
One of the largest portions of my journey in this season is to look at social media and the marketing strategies that are within all aspects of church and ministry life these days. I use them. Less now. But still. Followers, friends, likes all equal marketability and sell ability. Maybe sell out ability. Compromise. I don't know. I will tell you what stirs in the depths of my heart though. The questions:
What proverbial tables of current day are to be toppled in our "temples,"?
Have we allowed too much intermarrying with culture; adopting their ways of expression and growth and definitions of success to cloud our hearts, minds and senses?
Do we even know or believe in or act upon beliefs that say wait upon the Lord or cease striving or be still? Do we believe God honors those modalities? Are the proverbial horses and chariots of Egypt just too darn alluring that the ability to believe in the power of Sabbath has been trumped? It always was... what would make our culture and times different?
Numbers equate to success but do we remember we serve the same God that diminished Gideon's armies from the tens of thousands to three hundred?
The man that walked on water, healed the sick, delivered those in need, curses a fig tree, healed from a distance, felt power flow out of Him, walked through walls, withdrew to quiet places, only did and spoke what He felt was directed from the Lord, turned water to wine, fed thousands with minimal resources still lives and moves and acts upon humanity... How much do we sit and wait and look for Him to move in ways that are akin to picking up earth and spitting into it making mud and healing eyes? Or so sorry Jesus, Madison avenue and highly effective habits would say that that just wouldn't work in the 21st century.
So I wonder ..
The mystics of old who sat away for three years, for ten... Simeon in the temple who waited a life time... What am I willing to wait upon? What am I willing to believe? The presence of the Lord upon the family of Obed Edom in the reality of the ark? Can I wait upon that without moving in my own strength? What is humanity in the presence of God actually really like? What do we look like to the angels? What do we look like to Jesus? What image does He see? What do our hearts most truly know if we would only receive and listen? What can I do? What could I do? What should I do? When does that question cross over into soulish activity and witchcraft? Or is that more about motive?
People talk about character but I have seen the performance of so called Christian morality and "character," kill the spirit of those who do more play acting than transformational work within themselves. Killing themselves by adhering to that which is socially appropriate within their circles while being devastated by depression, addiction, temptation; to only name a few. A veneer of christian like behavior and appearance becomes more akin to Saul's armor and too many David's don't have the wisdom to shun it's ill fitting ways.
I can play act with character not so with the interior working of transformational spirit led allowances that change the very appetites within. Where and when do we talk about the nuances of such things and the not so subtle differences? When and where do we make time for the hard conversations about maturity and meat?
When do we embrace the call to by reason of use to practice and use our senses to learn discernment? When do I do the hard work of showing up time after time after time to love in the dark and hard places outside AND inside church walls?
I have been told more often lately that I am errant and hell bound. Not really a bad thing. Really!!! It has made me look at the reality or what of a place called Hell might be and what I actually believe.. It has made me look at the parable that has those that have delivered demons, healed the sick and prophesied in the name of Christ only to be told by Him to go away and that they were never known.
That's an interesting thought....
Having served the Lord these people are told they are not known... So are we living lives that have us being known? Are we? Am I?
Lots of questions
Not as many answers
Living in that place is hard but ok...
I work out my faith more these days with the so called fear and trembling than I ever have...
I want to know Him as He is not as I would make Him into a golden calf of sorts.....
How about you? What questions are being pressed upon your hearts?
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