A year without fear.... Week 3: Habits are forming and fun is being found

This morning I got up early, grabbed my car keys and made my trek to Heritage Park.

I pulled into the gravel parking lot and paused as I sat in my car.  I love this place. I love watching the sun rise..  Sundays mark the transition to a new week.  They are the perfect reminder for me to pause, and remember that seven more days have passed.  Another week has been lived. The journey is taking on steam.

WEEK 3 BEGINS!!!!

They say it takes 21 days to build a habit....
My new habit... Well, it is actually living a life I would want to and showing up to said life as the me I would want to be/become.

I don't always bring my journal to my outings.  There are times I just want to sit quietly without pen and paper. However today felt like a day to carry along the pages that hold my heart's truest expression.

Sitting among the grass, the rocks, the sky, the colors, the morning my heart took flight.

My first sentence reverberated a sentiment that began years ago.. That statement that began to ricochet throughout my entire being.  "I can't do this anymore."  I've written about that time in many other posts.  Again, not wanting to live from a place of negativity I set out to discover what then I could do, what then I wanted to do.

The first sentence I wrote today; "I didn't want the life I was living. I didn't really know what I wanted. BUT I admitted the truth to myself."  That was a huge step.  To allow myself to hear myself. To allow my heart to really speak, not that which it was programmed to through life and religion but what it really wanted to say... Myself would be my first audience, a trusted few my second.. the world my third!

I realized how much I had pushed that expression down because of fear... but I let the most secret of desires become the  slightest of whispers  and smile now as they become liken more unto a shout, song. A truer reverberation of my soul.

The joy and trepidation I feel these days, at times equally, eventually do bring a smile to my face. The what ifs try to taunt.. What if I fail? What if I can't do this? What if it everything just is a flop? But I'm now getting really good at turning those what ifs around!  What if I can do this? What if I succeed? What if everything soars?  Those have their own places to adjust towards.  But the energy and vitality that those what ifs create versus the wet blanket syndrome of the other what ifs, I'll take any day.

Have you started yet?  Are you working of the "Days before the Year without Fear?"  What do you do?

1. Pause and Get Quiet. What are the whispers of your heart that want to be heard? What life would you want to be living?  Listen to me... Not all the answers are going to be grandiose. They better not be :)  Simple and small steps, cultivating the seeds of hope and new life, listening to the soul's song and hearing it's melody. That is a huge first step.
2. Find Some Trusted People.  Not all my peeps in this arena were "old friends."  Actually some of them were very new to my life.  Be Honest With Yourself.  (And others as you can)  Honesty crushes fear. I remember the days sitting in the office of an episcopal priest. (A new faithful friend) as I could say things and ask questions that didn't rock his world though they were creating very high scores on the Richter Scale in mine. What? Find people who your new doubts, fears, discoveries, questions won't affect.  The people in my immediate sphere couldn't or wouldn't always handle the questions I wanted or needed to ask,  my changes and challenges were too close to home.  Find those who really can be objective. The people who have nothing to gain and nothing to lose from changes and challenges in your life.
3. Take The First Steps.  Be open to the fact that they might not always be what you might think they are... Sometimes it is just sitting with a "new friend," asking the hard questions that are coursing through your frame. Sometimes it is taking that first step, meeting that new person, going to a new group meeting.  Sometimes it is just journaling and being more honest with yourself then maybe you ever have, even in your very own journal.  
4. Keep Walking...  There will be days that you might feel like Lot's wife.  She looked back and turned to salt.  Let me tell you looking back won't turn you into salt. And there is actually a lot to say about this. But for now be aware nostalgia takes on different forms. When the world starts to change (even in small ways), you might think it was better before you started out upon your journey.  It wasn't. Find the place within or the good friend that will remind you.  As the song 2am, aka Breathe, says you are just as far in as you are out... KEEP WALKING!!!!  It will get better. And then it won't. Then it will.  Then it won't. But then it will and you will begin to discover that though it has its ups and downs, living the more true expression of your life is a life worth living then any shadow of such a thing.
5. Laugh, Cry, Shout................. (or Journal)  Feel and express and keep notes....  I have a journal for last July.. The first page has this desire upon it.. "I want to know more about the Body, Soul, Spirit connection.) On July 16, 2014 I hadn't even started yoga. I had begun to walk more true to a spiritual journey that was laying its claim upon my life, but I hadn't taken physical steps away from that which I didn't want to do anymore. I was beginning to count and understand the personal cost of what my journey forward might entail, I really had no clue.  But having a journal to go back to and smile at and realize how far I have come upon the journey... brings both smiles and tears.  It also brings courage.

So for this week... here is just a brief overview of some of my steps of breaking away from a fearful life and finding a life that's full....

I admitted I was good at something in front of someone. I heard my own voice and heart be willing to say, I can do this... That takes more courage then one might think.  At the same time allowed myself to be taught.  Continued to admit I wanted something different, though the continued cost bears down upon me at times in ways that I can't fully fathom stealing my breath away.  I remind myself to find my breath!  Asked an awkward question that showed I didn't really understand a response I got but got the answer I needed and it was all ok.  Stepped closer and closer to my dream. (Sent out a recording to my mentor of me teaching some yoga students.)  AND.....  Last week I face the week and day that marked the one year anniversary of my beloved Auntie passing away.... Folks if that is all I did last week that would have been more than enough... But amidst memories flooding of in, recapping events of the year past, I would show up to life and live.....

So stepping into week 3... I have my list of things I  am going to do and I am also aware that surprises are always upon the path... Here's to facing the known and the unknown

A year without fear continues........................................

When I think of her today I will smile

When I think of you today I will smile
When I think of you today I will remember
When I look up to the sky or close my eyes I will acknowledge
           that you exist all around me and in me..
When I remember you today I will celebrate, dance, laugh, cry
           and smile
When I think of you today I will talk to you and this is what I will
            say.....

My dearest auntie,
I would have never known that I could live a year without you. I never
             wanted to live a year without you. And while I know I haven't walked
              one step without your presence, I miss your voice. I miss your strength.
              I miss how you just made everything better. I miss you, my person.  Your
               death felt like mine too. Yet I was left to live.  Auntie, as you know... I'm
              finding my way... I wish it included you. I wish that every moment. But
              I've found your strength deep inside me.  Auntie .. All those talks and times
              and calls and walks... I've found their remembrances deep within me.  I've
              found you in me...

I know we would laugh together and celebrate how my yoga journey has brought
             me to the population you loved so much. Do you know it just dawned on me?
             I realized as I sat leading some precious young women in yoga.  I realized
             that this people group had captured my heart and I felt you and your life
             lives onward. How I wish I could pick your brain and learn from you!

I learned so much from you and you still continue to teach me.. So as I think of you
             today, I promise I will try to smile more then cry.  Maybe I'll do a lot of both!


You are missed beyond measure. This journey has landed upon your nieces and nephews.
               They miss you and they ache.  They miss your hugs and smiles and love. We've
                all learning day by day and step by step how to do this thing called life without
                you in it. We are helping one another.   I know you smile upon us and strengthen us
                 as you always did.   Hey Auntie... Sorry about the car BUT thank you for watching over
                your nephew! Thank you for protecting him from above so that he walked away basically
                 Untouched!  Thank you!

Thank you auntie!  Thank you that I hold in my heart a life time of strength and courage because of such a rich deposit you made... Thank you for being my auntie and for being my auntie.  Feel free to come in my dreams...

With all that I am
I love you
Your neice always, aways and forever

I am not confused....

I want to introduce to the music I have been sitting with... Leaning into...  As the lyrics and music fill the air around me I am found happy.

I want to talk ....I will give you the link... I will give you the words...

So much of my journey has brought me into a place of understanding the stories of wheat and tares, of being careful of what one calls good and what one calls evil, of how the Spirit of the Lord exists in freedom and love far away from fear and restriction.  I would have you  notice the name of this blog.  The place is Samaria.  It is a place in Christian scripture where the religious faithful were told not to go, except we find Christ there.  We see Christ letting lepers touch Him, letting a woman with the issue of blood touch Him, letting children come unto Him.  The first of those two encounters would have made the Christ ceremonially unclean.  The religious of the day struggled.  How can this be? Isn't this of the devil? This is foreign?  They were afraid. They were threatened.  They enjoyed post and title and lifestyle.  They enjoyed the feeling of being the exclusive "holy people," except Christ ruined that by showing up on the scene calling tax collector, fisherman, plain folk to Himself.  Redefining "holy people," forever.

I just ask you before you think round peg round hole in regards to Yoga, and quickly negate the reality of the wealth that it brings to our bodies, our minds, our very beings, I would ask you to pause.

So here is one of my favorite new songs. I worship to it as if it was Misty Edwards or a song out of Bethel. Yes, I DO!  I am made full of Spirit and life and love as the words and music fill the space around me....

Here is the song:  Aad Guray Nameh   Sung by Snatam Kaur

Here are the words: Aad Guray Nameh, Jugaad Guray Nameh, Sat Guray Nameh, Siri Guroo Dayvay Nameh

Here is the interpretation of  the Lyrics....

I bow to the primal Guru
I bow to the truth that has existed throughout the ages
I bow to True Wisdom

I bow to the Great Divine Wisdom

Here's why I am not confused....

I do bow to the primal guru!

I do bow to the truth that has existed throughout the ages

I do bow to True Wisdom

I do bow to the Great Divine Wisdom...

I know who my teacher is (aka meaning of guru)  

I know the truth that has existed throughout the ages

I know True Wisdom

I know the Great Divine Wisdom

I am not confused as to what and who that is....... I am not afraid. I am full. I am touching joy and beauty and life and light.  I am not confused... I stand upon my mat and I know to whom I am grounded into .. I know to who I abide in... I am confident of this that having begun a good work in me there is a capacity of the Godhead to bring it to completion and that NOTHING separates me from the LOVE found in that place.

Our God is expansive. Our Spirit is so free. Our lives are so blessed.

What's Demonic?

I don't write publicly as often right now.  I can realize that I am in  such a season of paradigm shift and change that to put words out there in cyberspace today seems like, well maybe I won't believe that or feel that way soon and so caution has been the mode of operandi. Discernment of when to speak and when to be silent and let process, change and paradigm shift just happen...

The last few days have been interesting to me in regards to a particular pursuit of mine, and it has come to a place where I choose to not be silent.

I realize something about myself these days, however, and that  is that there are underlying streams of anger that I am processing through.  Anger at myself.  Anger at choices I have made.  Anger at religious stupidity and the lack of pursuit of true discernment and the fallback to lazy listening (I'll get back to that in a bit).  In understanding this about myself I have also wanted to exercise caution, because I don't want to be an "angry" person, writing from an angry perspective.

I desire to be thoughtful and thought provoking, but I hunger to do so with a heart of peace and a heart hungry for true exploration.

With those two disclaimers out of the way, I enter into this piece....

So what practice of mine has people asking me all sorts of questions? What practice of mine has a huge spectrum of thought and ish attached to it?  A simple and profound 4 letter word.  Yoga.

Why? One might ask... Why would yoga have me on the receiving end of some thoughtful and not so thoughtful questions and comments?  Well because I have lived  spiritually for a very long time as a Christian.  I have spent the last 24 years (I'm 43) following (as best as I have known how) the spiritual path of Christ.  I have spent the majority of that time in non-denominational Charismatic type churches and organizations.  There is a vast spectrum of beliefs out there in Christian circles regarding the practice of yoga. I have in my three short months bumped up to a multitude of them. And some of you have been so kind (sarcastic.. sorry) to send me youtube videos as to educate me towards the heresy I have participated in... Seriously... that is maybe one sentence I should have edited out but I thought it too fun to include.

So let me first be honest to say I have only participated in yoga for three months.  They have been life changing months and I love my journey into this time but it is brief.  I do not write this as an expert on yoga.  I write this as an expert on living on the edges of what Christians would say is acceptable or not.

Within the spheres my husband and I have walked and lived in we have encountered much in regards to people thinking my husband or I are some sort of heretic.  Upon those watch dog websites his name is listed among some of our best friends.. Oh please laugh at this .. It is someone's false notion that the Christian world needs to be protected against the Holy Spirit and His gifts.  Anyway.. I digress.  I'm not new to controversial subjects is what I am saying.

When I taught on the reality of talking plain speak and not talking Christianese, of empowering people into learning to communicate spiritual realities in a way that would really impact all people I was told that I was going to hell.  Can't make some of this stuff up....

What I would want people to know about me is I take spiritual reality very seriously.

There's so much I could put into this post.  But for now I want to keep it brief and I don't want to "tell," you anything... I want you to learn to think and question and discern for yourself....

I have received comments and questions on the spectrum such as... How dare I use my influence and not understand how people view Stir The Water and I  and so flippantly talk about attending yoga, when it is demonic?   First I would like to say I don't flippantly talk about much, I actually care very much about language and words and think very carefully and precisely about words I use.  Second, I disagree with the premise that yoga is demonic.  Then comes on the other end.  The private messages.. the texts... the calls.. the thank yous... the thank yous from others who have had to walk this line in their churches balancing out faith and practice.  So it's for that second group of people that I choose to write.

So here.. here is where I could go off and talk about how yoga, in and of itself is not a religion.. and could talk about so much but instead of doing that I want to put some questions out there...

Specifically addressing the comments I get the most... "But so and so says its bad at best, demonic at worst."  Well, I personally have known some of those so and so people... so let me ask you these questions....

What's more "demonic?"  And can I just say I HATE that word especially when so "flippantly" thrown out there.... especially in this regard but that is the word that is used in this context so let's go there...

A practice that has brought life, love, courage, strength, and joy into my life and has empowered me to reside more deeply within my body (as one who has survived and thrived away  from abuse and didn't like dwelling within my body) or practices I witnessed first hand where the so and so person you name went on rampages treating staff and others carelessly and with words and "practices," time after time that would classify as anything but christlike behavior.

Or how about the time when so and so person because of personal preferences in regards to tattoos made an individual's life feel the affect of displeasure? Or the time when so and so person .... and that list could go on and on and on...

You see I take the word, demonic, pretty seriously.  I take discernment and choice very seriously.  And I take influence that people have very very seriously.

What I would say is if it doesn't feel right for you don't do it.. but don't speak cart blanche about something under the guise of religious fear... If we live that way then we don't follow Christ into all the different "Samarias," of the world... if we live in religious fear and don't engage in discernment and with lazy ears only listen to the so and so expert who has never walked into a yoga studio, then we don't follow the Man who let lepers, women, tax- collectors etc etc touch Him, walk with Him, be with Him.....  The Man who walked and engaged with all sorts of people that the religious of the day would call unclean, demonic and that list goes on and on... As does the list of things they called Him..

Let's instead embrace words like:

Freedom... choice... discernment... life... joy... exploration...  

Let's realize that there are things that are really dark in spiritual reality and this is NOT one of them.. let's not give into religious fear and hide in the shadows or even try to christianize something that is just ok without the hyper spiritualization...  I can say Om Shante and proclaim peace as much as I say peace when and if I would say Shalom...

Let's discovery love and not fear..

 I've seen such beauty in my faith but I have seen such ugly and utterly horrible behavior in the name of Christ and I have seen the lack of discernment bring horrible things to pass as has small thinking and religious fear.

 I have heard too many call that which is beautiful profane....

Christianity and yoga.... Sharing my heart and resources.

It is upon me to not avoid this conversation.

It is upon my life daily.

Some of you ask me, some of you are concerned for me and some of you out and out think I have fallen away from a faith I hold precious and have served for decades. Through this journey with you, whichever group you fall into, I have come to a place of peace.   In entering into conversations and a dialogue I have found my voice.

This isn't the conversation I would be wanting to have.  I wouldn't want to have to have my yogi friends see your posts, see your questions, see your fear.  I don't think it represents the Christ we follow.  But I've heard your heart.  Now I'd like you to hear mine.

It is upon me to speak about this subject.  I walked among you and still do.  Jim and I stood in public places of ministry leading in a variety of venues for decades. Yoga hasn't changed my affection for Christ. It has enhanced it and grown it.

I want to share a couple things.  First I want to share a resource with you. Why rewrite something?  While I can't say I have read through every article upon the site, I have read some. Some I agree thoroughly with and others I would add or take away specific points.  But why recreate the wheel completely. Read and think and discern for yourself.

So a resource I have recently found is this website/blog.  Christians Practicing Yoga.  

 One article I have really liked upon the site is an interview with a woman named, Joanne Spence.
Her words and the book titles she mentions are ones I am working my through.

I didn't want to bring a defense to yoga into my Christian community.  But we don't always get to choose such things.

I am one who loves Christ deeply.  I was brought to faith not through the words of a man or woman but through a direct experience that I can not negate nor do I wish to.   I love Christ deeply and have served church and para church organizations for most of my adult life.  What I would say to those so struggling with my yoga practice, is that we should be struggling and attempting to sort out in house issues with such diligence and such motivation.  The horrors and sorrows I have seen within Christian organizations have brought such harm, and affected the lives of multitudes.  It is to those things I wish that you wouldn't turn a blind eye. But you like the preachers you like, and at times could care less about their actual lives as a man or a woman. Affairs go justified. Arrogance goes unseen. Pride and envy and jealousy and greed go through and through while we keep our heads in the sand, buying the books and going to the conferences and feeding gluttonously at the expense you understand not.  Those are some of the things I wish you would address with such fervor as how Christians should feel about yoga.

But it is easier to reach out and strike at yoga.  It is always easier to look at the poles in others eyes. But I think there's a story about that somewhere in the Gospels that we read.

Secondly, besides giving to you resources and not re creating the wheel, (so appreciative of others who have walked this road. So grateful for those I know and have been recently introduced to and those I have just met via sites like this one listed.)  I want to express to you what yoga has meant to me.

You have trusted me for decades to be discerning, as we would call it within our circles; prophetic/revelatory, seer, intuit, empath.  I really haven't changed.  About a decade and a half ago when I was standing before you teaching you how to drop "Christianese" as a language,  teaching you how to speak plainly about spiritual realities, teaching you how to see and touch those that needed love and affection and spirit and truth.. I was no different, teaching you to know and understand your dreams and what they were saying to you and how to interpret the dreams of others and bring understanding and life to friends, co-workers and family

Some of you even told me I was going to hell back then.  But to those who could touch and catch the vision of what was happening, we found life together. We explored and we found the places to live a natural way understanding supernatural phenomenon, but carrying it forward into our lives in ways that brought forth life and peace and joy.  This journey is no different. It truly is a continuation. A search to touch what it means to live in a body.  To know that Christ came in a body.  To join understanding and live a holistic life of Body, Soul and Spirit.  To be strengthened in my inner woman and find Spirit and life and light there.  

Mainly I wanted to say, I started yoga for two reasons and I kept it a private journey until I could feel the push of Holy Spirit to share.  To share my yoga journey publicly.  I knew it would be a can of worms. I knew not the depth nor the degree. But I have no regrets.  The reason for that has a lot to do with my two fold reason for beginning yoga.  First, if you have read any of my blogs or have ever heard me speak, there is an awareness of past abuse. I will leave it at that for this posting.  I have never touched a modality of healing liken to yoga.  Physical movement touching breathe touching being intentionally in the now moment spurred me on and created in me the likeness of which Ezekiel talks about. Dry bones coming to life with the Breath of Spirit reverberating deeply.. I found peace living in my body in ways I never had touched before. 

While Yoga is not a religion, it is a method through which Body, Soul, and Spirit find union and I have never .. Hear me.. NEVER existed so thoroughly in my body as I have since starting my yoga practice.  This is not deception. This is life in the richest form.  I will not stand by and hear my community of faith call good evil and that is partially what you have done.

Secondly and I take this to heart.  I lost my person almost a year ago to this date.  She loved yoga. She had mats.  I never got to ask her what her favorite posture was, although my mom will say she loved the mediation.  I can imagine that of her. My mom gave me her mats.  I went to yoga, with a mat, never having watched a YouTube Video. I went to yoga, with her mat. I went to yoga in those days because my heart ached and I missed her beyond expression. I went to yoga in those days, oblivious to what would happen within my community of faith. Oblivious to that loss that would come because the loss my heart was enduring was beyond great.  So no loss of you could even touch, even the slightest bit the immense loss of that person.  I stand in a place as a woman of faith, fully convinced that my God loves my yoga practice and smiles upon me as I stand and breathe and move.  I stand in a place as a woman of faith having lost friends, community, and in some cases credibility.  But I stand in a place as a woman of faith having stood.  I stand in this place as a woman of faith loving yoga and loving Jesus and knowing that I know that I know that I know that it is well with my soul.

I stand at a moment of almost touching the year to the day this magnificent human being ceased to walk the face of the earth. So I get it.  I get what you think about me and yoga. I get what you think of yoga. What I am asking of you is that you would read and educate yourself. People perish for lack of understanding and fear creates divides.  

I think it is time to cease looking at and for  the poles in the eyes of others.....  I think it is time for a intelligible discussion not based on fear and lack of knowledge but insightful gathering of truth.  

My yoga practice has transformed my life on and off the mat.  My faith stands firm. My heart stands strong. My entire being is resolute.

Trust yourself...

I smiled.  I have learned something.

Many years ago, I wanted to learn about a specific subject.
I sat quietly. I fasted and meditated. I leaned into that which I wanted to know.

But then there was another voice. An interior place, that spoke and reminded me of another man, who had spent more time and was very well known in regards to his understanding upon the subject that I wanted to know.

I bought a tape series. (Yes, I date myself)

I felt Spirit tell me not to listen.
But convinced that this man knew more and held deeper wisdom I placed each tape in to my car.

When all was said and done. When the last words were listened to, Spirit came back to me and spoke and shared the heart beat of my God.  Because I would rather be taught by men, there would be a season now where that was what I would get. Holy Spirit's voice would go silent for a season.  Why?  There was nothing upon those tapes that I hadn't learned from spending quiet time and being in the Presence of God.  I had learned. I just had not trusted.  I had heard. I just wouldn't believe.

In this season of overcoming fear, and living a life I had once only dreamed of being slightly possible, I am stepping out and learning to trust myself.  Learning to trust the intuition that hundreds have trusted.  I am learning to trust it for myself.

So it came upon me to glean from the teachings of another man.  And I am NOT saying that that is never in the cards of life. Learning from each other and the wisdom we each hold is a precious gift.  Upon this season, I could feel Spirit watching and waiting.  I put the down the book. I spent the time. I was quiet. I was still. I began to know for myself.  Then it was ok to read the book. I smiled and I cried.  My personal lessons were enhanced by the author's words.  But it was already living deep within.

Step by step.. I'm learning to trust... Try it.... We are told that if we cease our striving we will know, and if we are still we will know. But we live in a society that says there are experts to be trusted beyond your own voice.  What I am saying and what I know first hand, is that most of those "experts," making a living off of your doubt.  Be courageous and trust that you will know when to lean into being still and ceasing striving after and when you will need the words of another.  Trust, trust and grow... trust and grow strong....

It is certainly a most amazing feeling. Be not afraid.. You are amazing... Get to know yourself.... Listen to your voice.. hear your heart beat.. Believe and trust and know....

A year without fear.... Week 2 begins

FEAR: BE AFRAID..... BE VERY AFRAID... 
(the voice of the emotion)

It's gruesome. It's raw.  We don't want to look at unpleasant pictures.

This picture spoke the most to me as I searched for one to begin the week.
What does fear do?

It mutes us.

I wish I could find a picture, maybe I'll hire a model and take one myself. The image I would create would be a person sitting on a chair with hands and feet and mind bound. Not just mouth covered with tape.  Maybe a person's whole body.  Fear paralyses.

There are very legitimate reasons.
I understand. I do....
Fear screams that our options are limited, that we are going to fail, that we will be humiliated, that we can't really do it, why bother trying, a million what ifs (and they all end badly).  Fear takes its toll upon a person.  No longer standing straight and tall, being able to make eye contact. Fear doesn't just affect the mind. It robs the soul. It suffocated the spirit. It grounds and creates the flightless bird.

Challenge for week 2: Look at pictures of fear.  Look at it. Get to know it. Feel it within yourself.  How can you overcome an enemy (and that is what fear is) if you do not know it.  My husband and I have taught an advanced class to Empaths, Seers, Intuitive people etc, while the title is simple the material is not.  We call it the Advanced Seer Course. The material takes the empath and walks them through what virtues and vices feel like, look like, sound like, smell like and taste like.  Sounds a bit odd but in the end, the empath leaves the class more able to understand what it is that they are feeling and sensing within any specific atmosphere.

Understanding fear. Knowing what it feels like when its upon your mind and your body, your soul and the very essence of you, will always be helpful in breaking away and moving into freedom.

Admittedly very cliche but I would rather equip myself on how to be more like the little blue engine that could then have myself staring at a mountain afraid and immobile.

............................................................................................................

THE JOURNEY.... Making it Personal. Becoming real

The journey of week 1:  Small ways are not insignificant.  They can be more impacting then stomping on the head of fear in a large and demonstrative way.  I stepped into my week not expecting to go bungee jumping every day, or run ten miles (although for you that might have been it.) You see that would be my natural inclination.  Do it big. Defeat fear in large ways. Making it splashy and extroverted and cool.  But my largest journey against fear is a very personal one.  The largest question is will I let the real Mims Driscoll live? Will I discover who that is and then be true to who I really am?  Will I quietly live afraid inside while living this life on the outside that onlookers think is full of courage and strength?  Will the most authentic me show up when everything in me is screaming to hide?

This week the answer to that question was more a YES, than a NO.  This week I learned deep things about myself and shrugged off the voices of others, who have said.. I'm this and I'm that or I'm not this or that anymore.  This week I would say that 84.5% I answered the call of the day and lived as me.

So my ten this week:

1) I posted in a blog post a picture, that not even some of my closest friends of the last couple years, had ever seen of me. A picture, of myself, that I wish did not exist.  But that I use as a place of inspiration. A picture I now use as a remembrance. A remembrance that when I set my heart upon something I can achieve. A picture that isn't just for me but that has spoken to you and was needing to come out of the closet.  No more shame for who I used to be or what I used to look like.  No more humiliation, no more hiding.  It's been a journey to get to where I am and it is a journey in front of me.... each step has held a piece. This was a significant one to share.

2) I modified (aka admitted I couldn't do something) in a yoga class.  It started with strep, continued with a virus that just kept on ticking.  But beyond physical weakness and limitations, I found myself in a yoga class that I had to leave. Literally got turned around, thinking it was the room. Nope.. it was me. Found my mat. Rolled it up and walked out.  (Touched the first yoga class I couldn't power through or even go to child's pose to finish).  Another class... had to modify with blocks, blankets, and bolsters. The brilliant aspect to it all was I stood, sat and laid down and listened to my body. No, I can't do this today.. no, it doesn't say all that I could hear it saying.  I'm not strong enough. I am actually stronger than I've ever been because I listened to what my body needed and responded to my needs.  THIS... on and OFF the mat is changing my life.

3) This isn't a slight to anyone.  John Wimber used to say his detractors were his favorite people. They kept him honest he would say....  So #3.  Learning to arise with grace and appreciation to those who have a very different way of looking at my life and yoga journey.  This week in (its #5) releasing a brand to actually describe that which I am doing set off a new round of comments and expressions.  Taking it in stride.  Allowing my emotions to be what they are and my thoughts to be what they are and allow others to have their journey and their thoughts and walk in grace humbly with each other.  This is becoming a life long goal.  While it is personal. It isn't personal. While some of the comments can sting. They only do so if I let them. They can not control my response. I do that.  So make it what I want it to be... Full of grace, smiles, and perspective.

4) This is just a fun one. A hard one but a fun one.  There are people I do yoga every day with.  I see their faces. Then we go to our own practice and out towards our own lives.  But there are a few and have been some that capture my heart.  Some amazing friendships have formed. New ones are forming.  But they start with a "hi" after class, or an introduction while walking to the cars.  I did several of those first "hi" moments and asking for coffee this week. It felt great to be getting to know new people and hearing about them and their lives and their story. Fear would say a million things here if you let it. Fear loves isolation.  But whats the worst that can happen? I mean really....  Saying hi, sharing a smile... asking someone who you've seen for months for a simple coffee... its great. And the diversity of people that I am meeting has filled and enriched my life immensely.  Loving my yoga community. It is a joy to be making their introductions.

5) Here it is... Stood up (not really but really) and said.. I have been living a life. I have talents. I have skills. I am more than capable in some areas. I am learning in others. I have been thinking about a dream for a long time.  NOW ITS TIME.  I am a spiritual director. I am growing in passion for yoga therapy as I have started to work with individuals within this realm. I am a teacher, a retreat leader, a woman, a creative being, and so much more. I have a song deep within me that I have whispered or suffocated. No longer....  In small ways I am letting it out  and in loud ways I find myself singing my song, hearing its reverberation through my body and into the air and surrounding atmosphere.

But what if you fail? What if it turns out to be nothing? Hey Gremlins... What if it turns out to be something? What if I add hard word to the dream and it emerges as a life?  What if I soar? What if I break through those storm clouds and create something that touches the lives of others?  Those are the "WHAT IFs" I'm entertaining these days.

Living Mangaliso... Had its birth this week!  It was hard to push that "go live," button. However it would have been harder not to..... Living Mangaliso is a passion of mine.  Mangaliso, a Zulu term, for "you are an amazement."  To live a life that pours out of its ever crevice the song that sings to others that they are an amazement is a life worth living.....  So LIVE it went...

6)Again a seemingly small victory over fear. But if you come from where I come from, you will quickly understand this one was probably the biggest.  Using the word Yoga over the word Movement.  I'm just going to leave this at that.  But this was an extremely large victory. One where I choose me and my truest expression over modification.  Sometimes its just what needs to be done.

7) Taught 1/2 a yoga class locally.  Oh you can do anything when you aren't in your home town. But step into your dream in the place where you live and it matters more.  This was it.... can I do this here? Can I teach adults and not just children or teens?  I knew I could. I did. I'll admit that. But wondered would the courage come out or would the nerves win out.  Throughout the day I went through the class in my head. Then all of a sudden, this small voice smiled within me and said... "You were made for this." SHIFT....  Something was different within.  FIND your own "you were made for this."  Journey until you do. Step outside comfort zone and anything you thought you would or wouldn't be. (This time last year I hadn't even ever taken a yoga class.) Pursuing my dream where I live .. this week that was huge... and it was an amazing feeling.

8) Stepped into a most honest communication and asked for something I really needed.  Fear was saying to me, don't bring it up. Fear was saying that I will lose. It felt a bit like getting on the proverbial plank to walk it out.I needed to ask a question.  Then I got an answer that was good but I could feel as minutes passed, as did a couple hours.. I needed more.  ( We have needs. I'm learning that that is ok. Nothing to be ashamed about. Hasn't always been my reality. But new ways are being written.)  I must say this interaction  was taking place within the confines of what has proven to be a very safe relationship.  Except there are always unknowns. Communication is a high value of mine.  In this journey away from fear, I've seen it as a most potent tool.  So I continued the conversation and opened my heart and risked.  Receiving an answer back that would hold me until further communication could be had.  I know myself. Without that last piece the weekend would have been looking very differently. Communicate. Oh just so you know. It wasn't the perfect articulation of just the right amount of words.  It was what I could do at the moment.  Step into what you can do in the moment. I'm learning it then grows.

9) Let myself rest.  Stepping into pursuing a dream can take long days and hours.  My body roared at me on Saturday that it still wasn't 100% and I needed to back off or it was going to quit on me on more than one level.  So as I grappled with the reality that the world didn't need to be spinning, that I could lay down and go horizontal for a while.. I listened.  Rest it was.  Once again listening to my body and not doing.  That is as much a victory for me as the stepping out.

10) I hate navigating the world of  marketing and networking.  Prior work experiences have somewhat ruined that world for me. Plus I so much prefer relationship and natural happenings to happen.  But there are people I would want to meet that my life doesn't organically cross paths with. This week I made a long list of those people; who I would like to meet with, talk to, and engage with.  I took that list and made phone calls and sent off emails. I'm beginning to have coffee with people I would have never met. I'm learning from them.  I'm grateful for their time.  I've learned I'm different. I'm learning that I can walk the aspects of "networking" differently.  I'm learning I can be me and show up as me and life becomes real and fun.


This week... I met myself time after time.  Shook off the voice and affects of fear and stepped into life and living.  I heard my no as well as yes. I communicated well and without effort and there were moments I couldn't find the articulation to save my life.  I smiled and said "hi" to new people who will move away from being the "new" people in my life. (At least some of them.)

This week... I found my way and I got lost.

This week... My first week of this living experiment, A Year without Fear,  my eyes were open to the most amazing "What ifs," and my heart grew and my feet walked and I lived.

Breathing is easy... Yeah, right

It should be a no brainer.

I have kids. I have six kids. I've heard myself over the years. "Breathe," I would say. A shot for a vaccination. (Breathe) Heck, giving birth to each one of them, what did the nurse, doctor, midwife or doula tell me to do? BREATHE.

I've watched different children react to circumstances in their lives.  On the cusp of different moments, I've watched them hold their breath.  I've looked them gently in the eyes, "Breathe," I've said.  "You've got this," I've said. "Just breathe," we've all said at one point in our lives to ourselves or another.  I've also watched anger and reactionary moments and thought, "breathe," this too will pass. I've heard the first breath a human being has taken, I've stood beside sorrow, suffering and death and watched one I loved deeply gasping for every single breath. and I've gotten the news that one has ceased to breath.  

No, breathing isn't easy.

I have never thought so much about breath and my history with it, as I have these days.  How much I've held my breath.  When have I held my breath? Where am I breathing? When am I not breathing? Deep and powerful intakes of new, fresh breath with corresponding exhales, or gasping for breath as I hold it, waiting for the next proverbial shoe to drop.  Shallow, chest breathing filled my life. This reality was something I discovered very quickly as I started my yoga practice, I recall saying to my husband that my body felt airier. I felt space course into my spine.  It was noticeable.  There was this one moment where someone even approached me and expressed how differently I was carrying myself, how different I was walking.

Breath, movement and coming to terms with my body and receiving it more fully. Letting breath in.

Letting breath in means making space for it.  Seems like a simple enough statement.  But making interior space for something means something else is going to be displaced.  Interior self doesn't always navigate that so well.  Taking in a deep breath of fresh air, holding it within one's body, and then exhaling breath might seem like a no brainer. But taken consciously it is a very intimate act that connects body with spirit and soul. Breath connects oneself to oneself and to Holy Spirit.  At our origin breath and dirt were what brought us into being.

In that light, the importance of touching and understanding breath takes on a new relevance. I have never known just how many ways there are to breathe and take in breath. From breath of fire, to three part breathing, to alternate nostril, to my personal new favorite (thanks to an amazing yoga teacher) is bee breathing.  I've experimented. I've struggled. I've not been able to figure a method out and needed help.

Needed help breathing?

Absolutely!

My therapist and I will touch on a subject that well, goes to places my whole body doesn't want to go.. What happens? I stop breathing. What needs to happen?  BREATHE! Breath needs to enter my body. What really needs to happen?  I need to be able to relax and take in air and let it saturate my being bringing calm and reassurance. A gentle vocal reminder, "breathe," is spoken. Eyes close, breath is inhaled into my being, and I sit quietly letting those places in me absorb the new, fresh breath. I let my soul be saturated by clean, fresh air. I sit.  I remember. I am encouraged to breathe.

When I couldn't do Breath of Fire during my Kundalini (aka uses Breath of Fire alot) training, I finally just admitted, "I can't do this." The kindest of men stilled a class and brought instruction, grace and a moment forward teaching me to be gentle with myself and let even that breath come.  In trying to do three part breath there are places in my body that don't want to open. There are places in my body that struggle to take in new air.  The old air might be stagnant and stale but how to convince my body to let go and release?  Again another's kindness empowers me towards kindness to self.  Another's kindness teaches me to listen to my body and allow it the space it needs to learn how to relax and how to receive breathe, life, healing and joy.

Breath is a powerful component to our living.  One that maybe we don't spend enough time upon.

I've learned to notice the quality of my breath. I've learned to just let my breath be what it is in the moment, and I've received tools that empower me to receive breath deeper and fuller into my body.  I am grateful.

If we don't breathe, it is proven, that a person will  pass out and the  body will, in normal circumstances, take over. But what happens if in life we are breathing just enough that that doesn't happen? We can live a long time on in a shallow place. I lived a long time in a shallow place.  My body, blood, heart and soul hungering for more air then I was allowing in, so grateful for the grace that carried me on and whispered in my ear....  

"Breathe!"

I never felt so alive... skinny dipping might have that affect upon oneself.

My fingers spread out upon the waters, tapping  the surface.
The sounds playing into my ears.

I would close my eyes and then I would open them.

When they were closed, I was in another world.
When they were open, they beheld a most amazing sky.
Blue as blue can be, white puffy clouds floating by.

I was naked.
I had jumped into the waters of this pond and it was amazing.
I was free.

Free for the moment as I began to learn how to  touch the birthing of freedom for a life.

I most recently posted last year's picture.



















Alongside I posted this year's picture.

But there's another picture still.....


So my first day of a year without fear... is this post... My goodness! It feels amazing, exhilarating and terrifying to look at the calendar and touch that it is Monday, August 17, 2015 and that in 365 days when it is Tuesday, August 17, 2016 I will have lived at least 520 moments of choosing life and action and not fear. All my what ifs are going to be transformed.  Instead of fear based and hindrances they will be hopeful and liberating.


Ten things this week will be done. I haven't planned them out. A little over an hour ago remembrances of what it was like to float naked upon a lake, feeling the warmth of sunlight and beauty all around, started to make their way into my heart. I know the reality of those impressions. They are linked to an expression. Something I know I am to share.  I am so familiar with those moments. It is my life to step into them.


I need not know what ahead of time the moment will hold, I have come to love the exploration of being led into the unknown. I haven't always. The predictable and the safe was what I wanted to carve out for myself. Trying to control something because I felt so out of control.

I was so terrified of the "what ifs."  I let myself drown instead of float. I drowned myself in food or the lack there of,  so that I wouldn't feel like I was drowning.  I drowned myself in the constant spending of time in ministry and service so that I wouldn't have to sit still with self.  I made sure I was always full or at other times ever so empty.  Food was the metaphor. Whether stuffing or starving, I used it so that I didn't have to feel what I was really starving for, I used food so that I would be full of something and not feel so empty. I stuffed down all the emotions. I stuffed down the truest expression of me so that I wouldn't have to face what "me," had to face. 

So to continue I need to share another photo and tell a story.  For you readers who can't see me as I type,  I just paused.  I just closed my eyes.  I just breathed in and I just breathed out.  This next picture is hard for me to see and as I look at her, me, there's a place where the I that I was back then was so full and not of food and not of life. So full of fear. So full of pain.

 Full

 I wasn't floating back then. A heavy weight had been dropped upon my gut and I was sinking.   Do you remember what I wrote when I introduced you to the invitation of living a year without fear?  I was saying good bye to shame, embarrassment, fear, humiliation. I didn't want to be hindered by those things anymore.

So this it... The next picture
and
 then that story...


Withholding or gorging it was all to avoid. Avoid me. Avoid what was really weighing me down or avoid why I felt so empty.  I could focus and fixate on something else so that I wouldn't have to focus.

I needed another way of living.

It was going to take me a long while to find it.

Thomas Edison has a quote.  
Edison once said, "Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time."

Just one more time... 

 

That would become my motto. Discovering how to live and live my life would take awhile. It's taking a while. Unlike the bowl of ice cream or the 10 days of back to back restriction/starvation, real transformation was going to take time.

Honestly I can't tell you I knew what I was doing, or where I was going, or how everything was going to end up? The hardest part of the journey was that I didn't know.  The most transformative  part of the journey was that in not knowing and in being afraid, I still showed up.  I still believed that somehow, somewhere, someway there was something different for me and if I just didn't give up or stop, I would find the way. Maybe the better way to put it all was the way would fine me, or we would find each other.  You see, I still don't know each step or what the 1000th step from now looks like. I'm learning to stay with this step. These days I'm spending time in silence and stillness and they are the re-writers and authors of new ways of thinking. It is wonderful and marvelous to behold.


Elizabeth Arden has this most amazing quote.( Can you tell I love words? Ideas? Expressions?)

To achieve Beauty, a woman must first achieve health.

My journey towards health has been one towards self and discovery.
Again so little has to do with the actual weight.

In a recent blog I wrote this statement.. "What is obvious would be the weight that was lost.  What isn't as obvious but the same words could be used is the weight that was lost."

What's being lost now? Maybe I should ask that question in a different way.  What's being gained?  I've struggled to trust myself. While for others I could bank on my intuition and insight, for myself there only was immense doubt and fear.   For others I could pour out compassion and empathy. For myself there was extraction and harsh criticism. That is the truest difference between the picture of me making a Mexican meal, and the picture of me a few days ago as I sat in the sun.

Performance has given way to peace.

The physical pounds of weight are really irrelevant.  The immense weights that laid upon my heart, stealing my breath, crippling my soul.. those were the "gremlins" that needed to be seen, touched and met.  I avoided meeting them. Suffocated pain and ignored my body and what it was trying to tell me.  I stayed busy. I kept going. I kept stuffing everything down. Stuffing down or denying and living on empty. This is so not about food.  Touch the metaphor.

What do you stuff down?
Where do you live on empty?
What are you full of that you are so afraid to see? What do you want to full of?
What do you not want anyone to know about you?
What do you wish you didn't even know about yourself?

I was a prisoner in my body, in my mind, in my heart...
When I let myself go and told myself I could be free that's when I started to live...
The suffocating weights that bound all my insides up were going to meet breathe, and that introduction would change all things.

Yeah I went skinny dipping.  I would do it again.  Floating upon the waters, as my senses came ever so awake and aware, I felt alive. I felt alive in me, in my body.. My spirit soared and my heart laughed as the skies and the clouds and the birds and the fish and the frogs all joined in a chorus celebrating freedom.

Elizabeth Arden said, "To achieve Beauty, a woman must first achieve health." Well, I am determined to live a beautiful life.  I float now. Sometimes naked.  Sometimes while I'm walking barefoot down the street.  I want to live in health not stuffing down or restricting intake.  I want to take it all in and live... I feel now.  Instead of stuffing I release and instead of restricting I saw welcome in.  Fear still tries to remind me  that posts like this one put me so far out there.... And what I say to fear is that this post is just number one for the week, for the year... There's at least 9 (or 519) more to come... I'm so curious as to what they will be.


 

It's out of the bag....... A Year Without Fear ...

Until today it was just me and my journal that knew about this project.  But I could feel the juices flowing once I began to talk to a really great friend of mine.  All of a sudden I knew it was time!

I'm turning the "What if" syndrome on its head!

You know that syndrome. I am sure you do. Me and it have been best friends for a long time.  But I am giving it a face life.

Instead of the doom and gloom or just plain blah "what ifs," I am throwing splashes of color upon all that grey and doubt; oh, and fear.

I've lived about a month now in what I have called "Before the year without fear."  I refuse to extract something out of myself ever again.I'm taking my time. I'm giving myself permission to not know the "exactlys." I'm letting just my toes dip in and feeling things out.  I've always been the plunge kind of girl, jump in and think later. Now I have been wooing my soul forward. 

In this month I have thought what will this year be like? Who will I be in a year?  What will I be doing?  A year ago today I hadn't even started yoga and now I'm finishing up all requirements to become a teacher at the 200 hour level! Already working. Unveiling a brand new concept called Living Mangaliso, and so much more.  Gosh, didn't see that coming.  So like Pocahontas I'm wondering what is beyond that river bend.

So what practically does this year without fear look like? I've been asking myself that question all month long.

Well let's look at some quotes first... Sometimes its just fun to play. That's going to be a big push for this year. Lighten up. Play. Laugh. Enjoy. GROW!

I only want people around me who can do the impossible.  
Elizabeth Arden

“Women, like men, should try to do the impossible. And when they fail, their failure should be a challenge to others.” Amelia Earhart

There is nothing impossible to him who will try  .. Alexander the Great

Thomas Edison once said, "Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration." I won't assume "genius" status but I like the reality that inspiration is only a very small factor. Putting the feet to the pavement will be the real deal.  

So what will it look like... I'm mean how will I know if the year that goes between 8/15/2015 to 8/15/2016 is lived without fear.  Well, I already know it won't be.  It's not about not being afraid. It is about living the year stepping out and living.  I'm not even talking big grandiose things here. Living the year without letting fear hinder.

I'm doing more things for the first time  then I have ever done before. I've taught my first yoga class, I'm working with some of my first yoga therapy clients, I'm taking on new spiritual directees, I'm forming new small groups, I'm creating and walking (actually.. I walked 2 miles barefoot today. Why? Because I wanted to and I wasn't going to let fear of "what will people think," stop me!). That's what I mean. It's the bigger things like; yup, starting a brand, calling it Living Mangaliso. It's also the daily little things.  Meeting a new neighbor, going out to coffee with someone for the first time, and oh yeah.. taking that walk barefooted.  Wear the clothes you want to, get the tattoo, go to the yoga class.. (I showed up to my first yoga class having never even watched a YouTube video... Just because I knew it was time.) Nike doesn't have a brilliant slogan for nothing... 

Just do it..... 

My year without fear also has me purposefully asking for help when I need it, canceling out the words humiliated and failure. It won't be that the realities of those things might not show up but I've made the decision it's ok if they do... I'll start again the next day, or hour or even  just the next minute (I mean why wait a whole day?)

There are poses I want to try and learn how to do... I know from learning head stand that that means lots of falls along the way. That's ok.. it's more about the practice then the pose.  I'm having a hard time with three part breath or breath of fire.. I know the people I can ask for help... And I'm going to. I'm not going to be ashamed or let shame or feeling foolish stop me.  

There are things I want to learn, places I want to go, and people (I don't even know yet) that I want to meet....

So what stops you?

For me it was the fear of looking foolish, being wrong and/or making a mistake....

So now if I look foolish, if I'm wrong and when I make a mistake... I'm going to smile at myself, maybe even laugh.. Agree, that yup that might have been foolish.. But how would I have ever known unless I tried...

So another practical note... Ten things every week....  Ten times a week put myself out there.. small ways ...larger ways.. I'll stay in touch on this... I'll post the ten things I do... Give yourself the time to set yourself up well...  Do your own "Before the year without fear." Find what's important to you. Listen to yourself.  Let you show up... Listen to yourself, your voice, your heart and take a step.. take two.. and then keep walking ...

Feel free to share your weekly ten..... 

Knowing and being known... When you should have been "afraid" for my "soul," you weren't....

I told my good  friend about the planning for this post. I told her what it felt like to be thinking about writing this one. I showed her pictures, I told her stories and I cried.





These pictures are almost exactly a year apart.

What is obvious would be the weight that was lost.  What isn't as obvious but the same words could be used is the weight that was lost.


I won't go back and rewrite a history that was lived.  What I have come to begin to touch is that the journey of life takes us upon a very wild ride.  What I will believe about myself is that I attempt to live as honest of a life as I can day in and day out with the understanding and revelation I have in the season and time.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that I would ever emerge as the person I am today.  Never in  my wildest imagination would I have been able to conjure up the life I am living and loving and relaxing into.  Never in my most far out thoughts of myself would I have ever thought I could be on the brink of touching such a settled feeling in life. Never.....  But in a year's time I am awe struck at what possibility, hope and just plain not giving up can do.

The best comments I have gotten back recently is you like the "How tos.." I get that. The nuts and bolts of how this all works.  The thing is ... one of the wisest people I have met this past year doesn't give me as many of the nuts and bolts that I would want and that has been the greatest "How to," I have ever learned.

So here is a story for you....  We all have seasons in our lives that feel like the earth is shaking and the landscapes that we have known and trusted are shattering.  What I have learned isn't new to anyone and is a tad more cliche then I care for.... But simply put, if one just keeps going, relaxes as much as possible and breathes.. the day called tomorrow will come and the day after that and the day after that and the day after that.....

If one wants change. If one wants something to change and is willing to stick through the actual process when the wanted change starts to come (one might realize that the change that was seemingly wanted isn't wanted as much anymore.) BUT...

I knew I wanted something different
I didn't know exactly what that was
I didn't want to live in the negative.... Like when I was thinking, "I can't do this anymore,"  I knew I didn't want to live in the what I couldn't dos I wanted to discover the what I could dos.
I knew I needed help
When I quit or wanted to quit or when I did quit I learned humility and found my way back to the journey and unquit. I have had very gracious people in  my life who understand that it is a process that takes time and the pacing out of that process is what it is and that that is ok, more than ok.. it is as it should be...

I want to use a futuristic story that is written in the Christian gospels.  I want to use that story and a conversation to give you the foundation for change.

So as the story goes... Jesus is teaching

Do not judge.
Keep precious what is precious ie don't throw pearls to swine .. (your heart to those who won't understand)
Be one who asks
Be one who seeks
Be one who knocks
Treat people the way you would want to be treated
There are few who will spend the time to find the ways of life, most want a quick fix.. spend the time. The way is narrow.. few people go there but be one who journeys upon that road of discovery.
Be aware (Beware) of those who teach falsely.  Good things can not come from a bad tree. Examine the fruit of one's life. There are the proverbial and not so proverbial wolves in sheep clothing.. I've met too many of them. They look like sheep, they smell like sheep.. they even sound like sheep but they will never bear baby sheep and the flow of their lives will eventually tell you what's what.

Then comes this story...

Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter. Many will say to Me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?’ And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me,

Ok.. there's that story from the book, Matthew.

Here's another story.

I sat at a table in a coffee shop.  There were three of us.  There was a conversation.  I listened. They listened. We went back and forth talking different points about what it might mean to live a life of Christian faith.  I had been on this journey where I knew that I had been influenced by culture in a way that was not as true to the heart of God as I wanted.  Living in America and being part of this culture as a Christian we have a very different "gospel," at times.  At times I would say the "christ," that is followed is no different then the Golden Calf idol formed in the desert in the times of Moses.Making a version of a god that is more palpable and golden delicious then the actual Divine Man that walked the face of the earth as the age of the world went from before Him to after Him.  I wanted something different.  I didn't know what, I just knew that after twenty-two years of serving in churches and para church organizations something had to be different.

I listened to concerns about listening to empty philosophy's of men and different Pauline teachings. But what was rattling in my heart was the other story I just told you.  Whatever your beliefs are I had spent what seemed like a life time, since the age of 19, walking one certain road.  What that gave me was wisdom and depth and breadth of experience.  I knew some of what I was talking about.

While not verbatim, this would be the gist of what I would say...

I would express that I heard what was being said, and then I would share that my deepest concern was that there will come a day according to Christian scripture that all will stand before the Christ.  Some He will have known and others He will have not.  In our audacity at times as Christians we want to say who that is and who that isn't....  I took this moment to share that my largest concern was this, I had spent a life time in ministry, aka... "casting out demons, healing the sick, etc."  And I thought that the who that is and who that isn't might be very different than anything we have ever thought.

You see what I realize now is this... When you should have been afraid for my soul you weren't. That is what I wish I would have said succinctly.  When you thought I was doing all the right things, and living a life that people thought was godly and full of spirit and gifting and life, I wasn't knowing nor was I being known. But in the West, and in the American culture we care more about the doing and the results. I could prophesy, foretell the future, speak over and into the lives of many. HOWEVER  I was more on the road to a proverbial hell and not being known by God during a time when the church and the religious faithful would have said I was sold out and wanted to emulate my life and the way I flowed in the spirit.

Hear me on this... especially if you are of the Christian faith AND even more especially if you are in ministry or want to be in ministry.  I was doing all the right things.Except I wasn't
. 
That day at that coffee table what I would say is I get that in Christian belief there is an idea of many will depart from the faith, aka "fall away.".  What I said is I think that that has happened and I believe it has happened with more of the people that stand behind the pulpit then sit in front, and we are those that that story I shared speaks of.  I gestured to the three of us sitting there at the table, including myself.  I knew that I had spent decades dangerously and precariously doing all the right things and yet in being busy and being in the business of the doing of the ministry, I wasn't being known.  I was setting the agenda. I needed to be doing and thinking that I was building  for God, maybe more of what I was doing was keeping busy for self.

The greatest difference between those two pictures I first shared is I lost a life I thought was what I wanted only to find the way to Life and living in love in such a way that grounds me into Spirit and humanity in ways that I have never known.

I found stillness
I found silence
I found quiet

Again both Christian and Hebrew scripture will emphasis rest, trust, quiet... those concepts are NOT just beautiful truths lived out by those more of the faiths that come from the East.

Cease striving and know God
Be still and know God

Meditate upon the things of Creation and Spirit.
Separate from the events of the day and go to lonely places and learn to be just with self and Creator.. The Christ we follow or say we follow did... (Even if it starts with 2 minutes... learn to sit with yourself. A prayer I have told you about that has filled out my journey these past two years is attributed to St. Francis of Assisi.. Lord, my God who are you and who am I?  ) I have sat, paused, struggled, wept, laughed and fought for the answers and some I get, the more important ones I don't for they are to be lived and trusted in the mystery that they are... Again in the West/ in America.. we want to KNOW.. we want to be CERTAIN.. we want to have the answers....  It is in the unknowing that we can learn to know, it is in uncertain times that trust is grown and in the lack of answers comes living.

Again some simple how tos... they too come from Hebrew text...

Love Mercy
Do Justly
Walk humbly


Sometimes I  shake my head these days because in the midst of concern that I am dabbling into things that are taking me away from orthodoxy of belief I have actually found the most true expression I think I have ever walked in the twenty three years I have followed the Divine Man, The Christ.

Maybe we should take a very careful look at when you should have been concerned for my soul and you weren't, are the care takers ( ie pastors, priests etc, ) of your souls taking care of their own. If such a day does occur do you really want to watch as they were told they weren't known? If such a day does occur do you really want to have lived  a life of  correct religious activity only to hear you weren't known?  This is important t and it has caused me to tremble and work out what does it mean to live a life towards Spirit, what does it really mean? And then what am I going to do about that...

She saw the laughing Buddha ... My Christian faith and yoga life. Yes those two things can be in the same sentence.

I'll be honest a few months ago I wouldn't be able to write this post.  So I smile as I start typing away. It isn't that there aren't still the moments where my heart beat loses it's regularity and a defibulator or brown paper bag or reminder to breathe is called for immediately, its just that I am finding my feet a tad bit more upon this journey that is my life.  Oh these days have me pausing often. To share... Not to share. How does one make wise decisions about a public and personal online profile? And when the wisdom that would scream in my head, "NO don't share that." wants its way and the wisdom that would sing into my heart whispers, "share that." I feel the conflict. Grab the brown bag or need the reminder to breathe, as I share.

I think the thing about me that I am discovering is that I have seen the detrimental affects of being silent and not speaking or using my voice.  And these are real issues. Real issues often need a frame work for discussion. Full of love, respect, kindness, gentleness and listening ears more than speaking mouths.  I am not being flippant or coy with people's hearts or understanding of how they perceive faith, life and yoga.

We must all journey with the understanding that we currently possess.  So whether you do yoga and are a Christian, or do yoga and aren't a Christian or only do Holy Yoga or think yoga well is somehow harmful... I want to say Namaste.  I want to say that that which is light and truth and life and beauty in me recognizes, honors, cherishes that which is light and truth and life and beauty in you.  Sat nam, you are seen.  That which comprises the most essential you that you are is that which I see as the expression of your life.  I respect your journey. It is yours to have.

 For anyone who knows me, really knows me... My passion for and love of the Spirit and the life with influences from sensory input from the unseen is at the core of my very being.  I see the world through the lens  of an Empath, an intuitive human being, a contemplative Christian, a Seer.  Pick whatever word your tradition affords you an understanding,

 I look and watch and wait upon Spirit, light and wonder to lead and guide me through my days. It is the way I am intrinsically wired. I see people more as light then of flesh at times.  Living with my senses wide open and receptive is like breathing, it happens whether I am mindful of it or not. I do not struggle with nor deny the existence of Spirit or the unseen seen.  It is that it just is within my frame of reference and world view.

I have a barometer of sorts that I use to align myself to the day, because I am not one who is looking to live a hyper esoteric life.  It becomes a specialty of mine, within my spiritual direction practice, to work with Empaths, Christian intuitive contemplative types, and people of all different faiths;  and walk with them as they discover how to be wired the way they are while also being grounded upon the Earth. Personally if there needs to be a label for understanding or "boxing" in, I would say I live with a contemplative Christian framework that has a lot of nuances to it. Ever hear the good ole Texas song, Don't fence me in. That might be my motto for spirituality these days.

Ok... slight background given. Back to the post.

My email or message box are full of two types of correspondences these days.  First, seemingly there are Christians coming out of the closet. Not the one you might be thinking of (that's a different topic for a different day.) This closet is the yoga studio.  I remember the day I stared at Facebook and could feel that my yoga practice was no longer just going to be mine.  I could feel it in my bones.  I knew the choice. I actually did understand the can of worms I was opening.

Yoga had been changing my life, healing my soul, restoring my body... me, being me and my life being what it is.. felt the time to share was upon me.  Instantly the two fold response was in play.  There was no middle ground I was either going straight to hell and being damned for leading the faithful astray or there was a huge sigh of relief from closeted yogis who would profess to love Christ.  In those moments I am not sure which reaction bore grief more upon my heart. There was also many an opportunity to learn to not fuel into flame an anger and hostility to the faith that I had served for over two decades.  It was quite the tight rope for my  heart to walk and who I am joking, at times can very much still be...

There isn't an argument I haven't heard and many a well wisher was now inviting me to "coffee", whether in person or online, to help this backslidden, fallen away "sister" get things right.

What they couldn't hear and I couldn't say cleanly back then was this... Christ and Spirit and Breath and Light and Love were meeting more on the yoga mat in the yoga studio day after day then I had found in the physical church building for months, maybe years.What I couldn't share cleanly back then, because my heart wasn't in the right place (I was hurt and angry and frustrated with the fear and religious smallness that was anything but Christ like), was that the Spirit of the Lord was meeting me day after day on the yoga mat in the yoga studio as I spoke Sanskrit words and prayers; speaking that as my Lord and Savior He would decide where and when He would meet me. It has never really been about a building.

The day I will never forget was a day at a restorative yoga class.  It is what I affectionately call my "lie on a bolster and breathe," class. I was in a reclining position. Leaning back upon bolsters. When all that I know to be of God and the voice in which I am spoken to (and the way so very many of you have trusted in the past for me to hear and receive from... just saying.. promised myself I wouldn't get snarky in this post.. that is so not my heart nor my intention. I want to honor another's journey as I would want mine to be honored.. but I digress) began to speak.

"Do not call good evil or evil good.  There is good in places where people would see only evil and there is evil in places where people would call good.  Do not call good evil or evil good." It rang in my ears so much that I sat straight up.  I knew with lack of understanding people perish and harm is done and fear gets in and I also know that a love so perfect and beautiful and divine washes all that fear away.  I have seen the "evil" in supposedly "good" places. Green rooms and hospitality suites of some of your favorite speakers before they go on to share the "word of the Lord," I have seen jealousy and envy that would kill and actually did. I've been in the world of Christian ministry for 23 years, I've seen a lot of evil in the name of good and God.
I haven't been in yoga for even a year but I have tasted and seen the goodness of God in the land of the living and have been brought back to life with breathe and postures and meditation.  I'm not naive in thinking the land of yoga is a land of utopian bliss without the affects of humanity upon it. I have found immense kindness and generosity of spirit and openness within said culture and community and am profoundly moved.

This dialogue bears down upon my heart and I lose clear articulation at times.  I'm on a journey. I have seen where I have stepped into a place where I am not "Christian" enough for many of my friends or people who knew me through our organization.  I have met wonderful people who try and grapple with my understanding of how I perceive and receive life and have seen where I am not "secular" enough. I have also met the most wonderful of people  who have had coffee (not the come back to Jesus kind) and walked with me in this season with listening ears and open hearts.  I have learned that I would rather discern my way through something and feel frail and small and strong and courageous, all at the same time, while trying to remember to breathe then give into fear. I've lost more than I ever thought would happen but in so doing the old adage has been confirmed. In losing a life I could not hold onto I gained a life I would have never imagined possible.

Yoga and Jesus have given that to me....  A life of light, breathe, beauty and sound. It is well...

So the title of the blog post is probably the epitome of my life right now.  A dear friend, who knows my love for Madeleine L' Engle, who is best known for being the author of A Wrinkle in Time, gave me the most beautiful necklace a couple weeks ago.  You see L'Engle tells a story of a white laughing Buddha upon her desk that reminds her not to take her life so seriously. I NEED THAT REMINDER CONTINUOUSLY!!! The necklace is this beautiful turquoise necklace with a laughing Buddha head as it's center piece.  I get immense joy from wearing it.

I was wearing the necklace this one day and upon a trip to the store entered into this conversation with someone; who, it would be quickly discovered knew some of the same people I have known.  A woman of Christian faith (as I am as well) and I entered into a conversation that would be indicative of two well versed people within said tradition.  Both engaged, both enjoying the conversation, both enjoying the new meet up and then....  her eyes grew a bit big and she shook her head and then looked at me.

 I could feel what was happening.  In me not taking myself so seriously and an apparent contradiction to all that our conversation had just held (said necklace) this new acquaintance was trying to grapple with what I touch every day.  A seeming contradiction that isn't a contradiction within my heart. A discrepancy appeared on the horizon and in a moment I went from being peer to not being "christian" enough.

 I really suggest reading Richard Rohr's The Naked Now, it is brilliant in its articulation upon these issues of faith, contemplation and how mystics see.  She very politely expressed how nice it was to meet me and that maybe we would see each other around.  She left as did I and as the reverberations were to be felt for the next few minutes (or more) in my world, I knew one thing... I was not taking the necklace off... I was not giving up my yoga practice.  I was and am becoming a yoga teacher who desires to use the modality of yoga therapeutically. I will also celebrate the life of Christ and the mystical, contemplative side of Christianity while holding a "both and" non - dualistic world view that says beauty and truth and spirit and God are found in all things.

I had recently written a blog post about my journey and excitement about taking my 200 hr teacher training this Summer, and a comment that was written back was, "why would I want to do such a thing as become a yoga teacher?"  I read it. Deleted it. Then thought to myself ... "Why would you want to do such a thing as breathe?"  For me it is one and the same............


Sat Nam............